Real Binge, hate myself

Yeah so...I had my first real binge.

I was doing so well. I hit a new low weight. I was on track to reach my goal for the week...

...when I got a migraine. And then I got stressed out by having to moderate a fight at a community I run. After a while of not eating, the headache was bad enough that my right eye went blind, but I still managed to eat relatively normal for myself until it was nearing time to crash. One ambien, three flexerils, and four naproxen later, I wound up eating. I don't even remember most of it. Just that when I went to look for one my egg rolls later, it was gone. The lunch meat was too. most of the cheese, a lot of the cereal, the rest of the cheetohs my nephew hadn't eaten when he was there, and yeah.... From what I do remember eating, and what I can decipher from the shit missing and in my room...

...I hit 3000 calories.

I don't eat that much in five days.
I've dropped down to 400 a day right now, and i had my first session with a personal trainer. My weight on the scale there was at 145 (with clothes on). I was at 141 before that binge. At home, this morning, I was at 143. Still not good enough. Still TERRIBLE because it's a GAIN.
My body fat analysis wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I'm at about 19%, which for my height and weight was surprising, I guess. He says it's because I'm fairly athletic, but he thinks if I keep pushing like I am, I can get down to somewhere in the single digits. Which would be sorta awesome.

He also thinks if I tried, I could get to 99lb's and be healthy.

I...would love that, but I'm afraid to shoot for a lower goal when I'm fucking up already. I'll find out when I get there.

Ugh.

I feel like a FRAUD, you know?

Anyway, I bought cherries. I'd never had cherries before, but they were on sale at one of the local markets (one of those organic places) and they looked sorta tasty delicious. So I got them, and some sweet potatos (because my PT said sweet potatos are really good for jump kicking your metabolism and filling you up fast) and decided to give them a try. The cherries are about 4 calories for one of them. Which...is amazing. I can eat maybe 3 or 4. They taste like candy. I've been sort of snacking on some through out the night.

He told me to keep my calories low, but to keep eating through out the day. He said every hour, to every two hours, I should eat something. A few wheat thins, two cherries, something like that. Small meals, smaller snacks. He said it keeps your metabolism constantly running and burning, and that when you go for more than four hours without food, your metabolism slows down. So I'm trying out what he says, because maybe it will help me also cut back on how much I eat, and to cut back my urge to binge.

Anyway. Not sure what else to write. i bought a supplement to help with my hair. I'll let you guys know how it works.

Hair falling out and issues with Soy.

My hair is falling out.

I've been noticing it more and more. And maybe it's just because it's darker that it's more apparent. But I will use my conditioner, and when I rinse out my hair, this...huge mass is stuck to my hand. It doesn't seem natural. And it keeps falling out for like...an hour or two after I wash it. So I'm going to head over to the store in a bit and pick myself up some vitamins designed to help your hair, and then I'm going to look it up and see what I'm lacking from my diet to try and counter it.

It's just...a physical reminder of what I'm doing to my body.

I'm not starving. Far from it.
But I'm still low. 600 calories a day.
I eat less in one day than many people eat in one meal.

And I'm supposed to be at 1800 to maintain.
1800.
I can't wrap my head around that.

I hyperventilate when thinking about 1000.

When I get down to 103, I'm going to slowly work myself back up to 1500. That's my ultimate goal. Slow and steady restart my metabolism so I can maintain my weight at 1200-1500 a day. I don't want to live like this forever. I really don't. And I hope the hair falling out thing is just...me noticing it more because I'm paranoid.


I'm also going to start trying various types of Semitarianism. I'm not sure who's heard of that, but it's this spin off of vegan/vegetarianism. I'm an activist. I won't wear diamonds because of the damage it does to earth and the people on it, so it shocks me sometimes that I can eat meat. But it's something I've struggled with for years and have never, EVER been able to give up. Be it because of addiction, or because my hormones make me actually NEED the particular protein in certain meats (or perhaps it's the fact that the recent popularity of soy as a good "organic" food is ridiculous because over 90% of it is genetically modified no matter what the packaging says, and that the very production of it is one of the leading causes of stripping of much of the foreign eco systems, such as rainforests and other fragile areas in order to meet demands of the tide of "I MUST HAVE SOY" diets...), but I can't really do the vegetarian thing well.

So Semitarianism is the act of going "partial". You have days where you don't eat any meat at all, and i can do that. I do that already. But I want to make it official. Find days when maybe I go full vegetarian (no chicken, fish, milk, cheese), and other days when I can have that. Because if most of the consumers in the world cut back even a LITTLE on their meat consumption, we could get rid of so much methane and carbon emissions that it would probably help more than all the regulations on fuel efficiency and hybrid cars in the WORLD ever could.

So yeah.

That's what I'm doing.

Anyway, I forgot the rest of what I wanted to write.

Awesome ♥

Enough with the emo - PinUp Thinspo

Sabina Kelley and Kim Falcon (Sabina is the blond, Kim is the brunette).
Because I'm sort of tired of seeing so much emo-girl thinspo, when pinups are so much more interesting, classic, and eternal ♥
Emo only appeals to a few...
Pinup has appealed to society since the 50's. So...there ya go XD

Ana, my hurtful friend

I starved.

There was one piece of bread today - less than 50 calories. It's a sandwich bread that's 100 calories for 2 slices, and I had one slice, but threw away most of it. After that, I did not eat. At least not for a while. Because I have been cutting back, and the past few days I've evened out at 400 calories or thereabouts, and was sick before bed yesterday, I was already lacking in nutrients and blood sugar, and that's when I started to feel it.

There's a muscle ache when you don't eat. It was in my arms, like normal. Behind my chest. In the spot where the front of your legs meets your hips. My stomach. My ribs. My breathing was shallow, my pulse was off. Someone brought me grilled chicken, which I ate, totaling me out at 170 calories. I took the excedrin too late, and the migraine came.

My blood sugar when I got home was down to 40. The fact that I was still able to function with any level of cognition is astounding imho. I ate so damn much. Enough that I not only overshot my normal 600 limit, but am probably nearing 900.

Combined with the muscle cramps from the migraine, I know I'm not going to be at my goal for tonight.
The thing is, I'm always 2 pounds heavier the day after a migraine. And today when I woke up, I was at 142.4. UNDER my goal weight for the week.
So I'm considering using that, and since I'm allowed off days every now and again, just counting this as that off day. Because there's a childish part of me that says it's not fair that I should be punished for my migraine, and another part that says it's my fault for eating so much.
But I should have eaten more. I should know better than to try anything close to fasting, because my body CAN NOT tolerate it. It always makes me get migraines and binge.

But i did have every intention of eating today.

I just wasn't hungry.

And I just...wanted to feel closer to Ana. Maybe not the personification of it, but the purpose. The control. But I feel like...for risk of sounding cheesy, of making out this illness to be a diety...she is a fire, and I am not as tolerant as the rest. Whenever I get closer than I am now, I get burned violently. I wish...I wish so badly I could be like others, and nestled tight by her flame. But either I am different due to my health...or different because I am weak.

All I know is that I can't be like everyone else with their caloric intake and amazing control and fasting. All I can do is still eat, and hate myself for every bite, and hate my body for binding me to food while others seem to let it go.

I love feeling unworthy of everything.
And I don't mean that completely sarcastically.

When I feel this way, this down and this negative, it reminds me of why I must push on. This pain is what I revel in, because I despise it, and I make myself touch every nook and cranny of this sheer and utter misery because then I am reminded of every reason to never stop.

There is a pit below me that I will fall into if I eat - if I give up. That pit is filled with dark things, fat, and all the misery my lack of control brings. And while every time I turn away food and every day I trudge on through this maze is hard and tedious, it is worth it. Because, while behind me there is nothing but agony, at the end of this tunnel there are wings. And I will fly when I am free.

I also have a friend.
We will call him J.
I told J a while ago that I starve myself. He knows what I do. He is an on line friend, who is not like I am, but has his own mental problems. He's gay, which makes me trust him more than straight males, and he trusts me more than straight females. When we talk, he lets me complain about food, and listens when I bash myself for eating. When I think of eating, he helps me choose things low in calories but high int he things I need, because he wants me to reach my goal as fast as I want to. He says he waits for the day when I can start teaching myself to eat normal again.
But he's also there to tell me to slow down. That I'm pushing it too hard.
To remind me of my limitations.

Sometimes, he's a pain. But I think the day I broke down and told him is one of the best decisions I made. It's nice to have someone on the outside who knows and supports your choice, even if it's not the healthiest choice I've ever made.

The pursuit of life, liberty, and chocolate milk

143.8 this morning.

I woke up in a bad mood. I'm supposed to get tested for bipolar, but I don't think I have it. I think it's all hormone related. They've given me Prozac to take when my temper kicks in, because I can get super violent, but I'm really reluctant to touch the shit - generally my angry moods only start up when I'm super-restricting (super for me being ~400-500cal a day when I generally have 600) and working out harder than usual.

But today my temper snapped. I got really...angry. Really violent. I almost punched a guy I work with. He was being negative, and everything he says is always negative and inappropriate. He told me i'd look fine if I changed how I dressed, when he's only ever seen me in my oversized uniform and nothing else (my uniform is currently 4-5 sizes too big). He sees me at work, in a man's outfit. I had out my pants to change into after work because they were still wet since I forgot to hang them up after they washed, and instead of being like "Oh, I see you have pants" or something equally as non-commental (or whatever) he goes, "That's weird fabric. Those are weird pants." And then he started TOUCHING THEM.

I'm a lesbian.

I don't hate men.

I hate DIRTY men.

And most men are dirty. I can't stand them touching me, and this guy always taps my arm when he talks, and it makes my skin twitch. He does it many times. He looms over me and he smacks his lips when he eats and makes that snorty "i have snot in the back of my throat" noise when he's sitting quietly or sucks on his gums (like licks his teeth and stuff) and is just...always making squishy weird gross noises in the general facial region. And for him to touch my newly washed, newly purchased designer slacks?
It took everything in me to not throw them in the trash. I just kept thinking they were DIRTY.

I have mostly guy friends, or I used to. But I never let them touch me, aside from one, who I know very well, and only then we touch very sparringly. My dad and my brother can hug me, and even then, I generally have to wash my hands. I don't know why. I equate touch from unrelated males to sexual advances, because that's what it always devolves into, and those things make me feel DIRTY.

But yeah...so...my doctor prescribed me prozac to take for when my temper gets out of hand, but I didn't have it, and I haven't taken it yet because I'm afraid of it. Instead, I went to the gym despite it being an off day. I worked out until I got dizzy, and after nearly 2.5 hours, I walked stiffly to the beam that seperates the in door track from the weights, did one stretch, and promptly blacked out. It wasn't a "TIMBER" blackout, where you fall over and cause a huge kerfuffle and people start going "IS THAT GIRL STARVING HERSELF?!" sorta thing. It was a "WOAH SHIT" vision gets all blurry and goes black, body goes numb, ears do that "SHWOOSH"-y noise, and you start to waver before promptly snapping back into coherency just as your knees are threatening to kiss the concrete. I didn't fall over, but when I looked at myself, my white ass looked like I had bathed in bleach and rolled in flour. When the color came back, I turned this siren red (like police siren, not hot crash-your-ships siren) and went into cold sweats.

So I came home. I'm still...irritable. I'm going to have a bowl of Total cereal and a nice long bath to the soundtrack of La Botique Fantastique (or however you spell it) and some vanilla scented bubbles, and then go to bed.
Tomorrow morning if temper continues, it is prozac and chocolate milk. Because chocolate milk makes everything happy, especially when it comes in 100 calorie boxes and you can have 4 of those instead of food and you realize that your parents can't tell you not to because you're an adult and if you want to live on chocolate milk and prozac now, you CAN. It's in the constitution or something.

Awesome.

Weekly Goals, Long nights

I have 1.2 pounds left to lose for this weeks goal. Tomorrow is my off day from the gym, and I'm going out to get sushi with my grandma.

I spent my grocery money on a new pair of pants, and two shirts, and some shoes. I really didn't mean to do it at the time, but if it stops me from shoving food in my fat face, then god bless.

The shirts are smalls. They're still tight, but they actually FIT. The pants are a 12, which is good when you consider that I came down from a size 20, but I still want/need to be smaller than that. I have 41 pounds left to lose now, or around that. But it's easier to think of it in like...20 pound increments, I guess. Or ten. I think because maybe seems like a more realistic goal than 41, and 10 isn't just some distant number, but a very real and achievable thing.

Things have been really good lately. I'm afraid to jinx it. I got complimented at work by our overall boss, and I've been considering asking him about a different position than the one I work now. One that pays nearly 30k more a year, and has better benefits. And it just happens that what I was complimented on is the main responsibility of the position I want to try for.

I'm just sort of worried. It seems good things don't happen like this in such a long row, and I'm just hoping that it means I'm finally doing something right.

As for the guy from the other day - I understand that most people would jump at the chance when flattered like that XD But remember; I'm a lesbian. There's a girl I'm sort of into right now, that's NOT "Girl" (this girl I'm really into, but has a girlfriend, and bad things happened, and yeah...), so it's sort of exciting, you know?
But I don't know if things will work out.

I was at 144.2 this morning. I need to be at 143 by night of the 7th to meet this weeks goal. I want to be at 133 by the end of this month. And I think I can do it. Last month, all through June, felt like I just...hit such a low point. Like I couldn't make myself restrict or anything. I kept slipping up and just eating shit, and yeah, I lost weight, but nothing like I have been. But so far this month, I feel like I've been doing better. Like I'm getting it under control. 3 days in a row and I haven't gone over 590calories.

With my inches - I measure my neck, upper arms, below the elbows, chest/breasts, ribs, waist, hips, thighs, and calves, and then I add it all together. In April-June, I lost 15 inches.
June-July?
28.
28 inches all together.
I lost less weight, but lost more inches.

I want to lose more of both this month.
I just have to stay strong and not give in. When I was looking at my legs in the mirror the other day, they're still huge and fat, but if I just...keep working, they won't be forever.

And I'm rambling right now. Because they have those really really really good little debbie cupcakes in the vending machine for $1.50, and I made the mistake of not taking the change out of my pockets before work so I have just enough for them, and I'm starving and have only eaten 250 calories today, and if I can hold out, I'll be barely over 400 when I go to bed. I just have to hold out and not give in.

Ugh.
I keep wanting to say that I hate temptations, but then that makes me more likely to give in.
Instead, I keep telling myself this:
I love temptation. It gives me a chance to prove just how much better I am than someone without control.


Hold your head up high, my loves.
Stay strong.
♥ ♥ ♥
PrettyWreck

Greatest. Affirmation. Ever.

Someone almost died flirting with me.

Yes, you read that right.

I'm still in the overweight range. I have lost 51 pounds now, but I'm still in the overweight range. Well, at the gym today, I was just...bleh. I forgot my work out shoes, so I had to bust ass in my Doc's (work boots) and I'm not sure how many people own a good pair of Doc's, but the traction on those things is made of fail outside of work sites. When I started busting ass hard on one of the ellipticals, the treading slipped and I cracked my knee against the base of the machine. But seeing as I'm not allowed to work out less than one hour on cardio and an hour and a half at weights, and was only the first fifteen minutes?
Work out SUCKED.
My knee is killing me.

ANYWAY.
So on the way home from the gym, I'm passing some car by getting around him in the fastlane. There's a motorcycle on my tail, so I hit the gas a little to get around this dude quicker and pull out of the way. When I got into the middle lane, I notice Motorcycle Man is looking over as he pulled up next to me. So I looked at him confused, and he smiled and waved. I decided, what the hell, and waved back. He got this goofy look...
...and almost lost control of the bike. I thought he was going to DIE when he suddenly swerved and nearly hit the wall.

So then he sped off. I had to swing by my work to grab my backpack and laptop, since I leave it there when I go to the gym. We got off the same offramp, and he kept looking over again. Then when I pulled into my parking lot at work, he pulled into the space beside me. I thought he was going to try and start shit (because I'm used to road rage, and I still hadn't showered after the gym and was all icky) and instead, he pulled off his helmet. He was probably mid to late 30's, and actually kind of attractive.

I go, "Can I help you?"
and he replied with, "Yeah...I uh...I was hoping I could give you my number, and you'd let me treat you to dinner sometime this week? Or coffee. Or whatever, if you don't like coffee."

I went: *HEADEXPLODE*

Of course I took his number XD I was surprised I could form a coherent WORD. I was absolutely speechless. His name is Rob, and he drove a Yamaha. Not the best bike - but my heart belongs to Harleys. I like how they purr when I'm on them.
But yeah.

I just...I'm still overweight.
And I was gross from the gym.
And I had a guy nearly crash his bike and then follow me to ask me on a date.
I NEARLY DIED. I can't believe that happened to ME. XD!

Just had to share LOL!