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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I dare you to move....

Things have changed. A lot.

I've gained a little under 30 pounds. From 116 to 142.2 this morning. It's...rough, but I'm not going to say I'm ashamed of it.
I'm not.
I'm proud, actually. I'm proud of my body and who I am. Why? Because this is my damn body. And I am through wrecking it for other people. Because I am so sick of trying to get everyone else to love me, and losing myself to thoughts of what I should be, that I've forgotten to be who I am. I'm sick of trying to depend on others for validation and verification, when the truth of the matter is? Nobody can make you feel any other way about yourself than you already do. It's all your responsibility. And if you put that onto others, you'll do nothing but hurt them and yourselves in the long run.

The person I was with, I no longer am. Let's just leave it at that.

The other day at work, I was talking to a regular. I've never talked to him before. He told me that he noticed my engagement ring was gone. I said yeah, and talked a bit about what happened. He then told me he had been coming by when I was usually on, because he always wanted to get up the nerve to talk to me, but the ring always made him keep his distance out of respect. Apparently, he's been doing this about a month or two now. I've recognized him, and said hi before, but yeah. It was still cute and made me feel better.

Beyond that, not sure what else to say right now.

I'm tired of being restrained.

Tired of feeling like I'm in a cage.

I'm essentially homeless at the moment. I'm crashing around with a few friends, which I freaking love. I had forgotten how great my friends were. Things will even out soon. It's just a matter of pulling on your big girl panties and getting to work. But it's still scary to be forced to rely so heavily on the kindness of others....

I'm not sure what else to say right now.
I think that's all.
things are just different, I suppose.
Very, very different.

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