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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Major Milestone

50.6-50.8 pounds.
That's how much I've lost.
When I started dieting, it was in like, October of last year? Maybe November. I went from 197 to about 184, and then stopped for a while because of pneumonia and then just general laziness. In April, I started restricting, weighing 184.
April 1, 2009. 184.
I am now at 146.2 as of this morning.

Three months.
That's about 12.6 lb's a month so far?

I just need to keep up this momentum. I have to keep pushing as hard as I can and as hard as I am. At 123lb's I'll be a healthy weight, and at 103 is when I think I'll be perfect. I want to try to end this month at like...145.8 or something, because I think I can lose a few ounces in two days, right?

And then if I lose 12 pounds one month, and 11 or 12 the next, I'll be at 123 or under by the end of August.
I'm going to be in the 130's by the end of next month. Hopefully way before that.
Oh my god.

I don't ever remember being in the 130's. I assume that's what I was at when I was at my thinnest, but I never stepped on a scale. I've never stepped on a scale and seen those numbers.
I've always been so big.
So heavy.
I'm going to make it into the 130's.
I'm going to make it lower.
But those numbers don't even seem real. I know I'll get there, I have to get there, and I'm afraid of thsi excitement, because what if I get so happy that I stop? But I don't think that'll happen. I just have to channel it to dedication to lose MORE, because I can't ever gain this back this time.

I'm doing this. I'm really doing this.
I'm losing the weight. And I'm not giving up.
I'm going to be out of the 140's soon.
I've lost more than 50 pounds.
I have 43 left to lose. I have lost more than I have left. I have never been there before.

Holy shit you guys.
I'm really gonna do this. I really AM doing this.

Why am I so amazed by this?
I mean
all I can this is just
I still don't see it.
But I do.
It's just that I'm still fat.
But I won't be. I'm not always going to be.
I'm going to be thin. I really am. I'm going to be one of those girls that people look at and want to be. I'm going to be hated because I am what they can't achieve. I'll be able to take pictures and post them and be proud of it.


I had to get that out of my system ♥

To reflect my mood, one of my most favorite happy-thinspo videos ever.

For your viewing pleasure, here are examples of 50 Pounds.

50 pounds of coral rock:

50 pounds of Marijuana:

50 Pounds of Sugar:

Imagine carrying that around on your body.



The end.

PS my scale said 145.4 when I got home from the gym. *FINGERS CROSSED* hopefully I'm in the 146 range when I wake up! Or less. That would be so awesome ♥

Saturday, June 27, 2009


I am officially out of the obese range.
I can't tell you how cool that is.
Yesterday my stomach hurt so bad. I actually took a lax to stop it from hurting, and I think maybe my ADD meds are messing with my digestive tract, because I've seriously NOT been losing weight. At all. And when I actually like...took that, and after it had done it's job, I woke up today weighing like, nearly 2 pounds less than I did yesterday and that's never happened. It's not supposed to work like that.
So I think that like, I'm going to need to alter my diet to make up for whatever my meds are doing to me.

And I'm wiped out. I also think I had a bit of a sick, because I had nightmares all last night. That or my hormones are whacked.

today is a gym day. with how much my stomach hurt last night, and with how tired I am, and the fact that I only get one day off this week, I'm wondering if I should let myself alter my pattern or push through.
I feel like death.

But I said no matter what. Except in the case of a migraine and all, because then I go blind and yeah.


Am I making excuses to not go?
Or am I legit?
I don't hurt now. But I did yesterday, and now I'm so tired I feel like I can't move.
And I can still feel that gross in my stomach and head.
But I could do the work outs....

I don't even know what it is. I mean, if I'm trying to make up a reason to stay home, or if I actually need to.
How do you figure out what to do if you don't trust yourself?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Public Humiliation is AWESOME.


(aka 148.8lb's today)

I was at 151.8 yesterday. The day before that I was at 149.2. I swear to god, I'm happy I'm tracking my weight every day, because it's actually a relief to be able to realize that sometimes, you DO jump up high and fast, and then drop down faster. Gotta love water weight.

On TV, they had a case in Canada where they needed to test the DNA of a cat. A cop went over to get the cat, read the cat's rights to the owners, then had to chase it around the house for over 30 minutes. I'm just imagining what that must have been like.

"Hi, ma'am. I'm here with the Canadian Mounty. Your cat has the right to remain silent. Anything he says or does can and will be used against him in a court of law...."

I walked into an open locker door yesterday. At risk of sounding pervy, there was the most beautiful girl in the locker room. No, she wasn't naked. She was wearing a pair of bikini bottoms and a sports bra. She looked Indian to me (the actual country, not the term used for Native American's), and for some reason, women from those regions (India, Sri Lanka, and the Middle East in general) tend to be the most beautiful. But yeah...she had long hair, and was just getting into her exercise gear, and she had such long and pretty arms. She stretched one out, all slender and delicate, to rub lotion up it. I have this thing about hands, and when she reached out the very tips of her fingers to stretch them, I walked into one of the benches, and fell into the lockers. Of course she looked, and me in my bumbling awesomeness all gross and fresh from a work out, floundered stuck on some persons lock with my short little legs up in the air and my ass in a water spot from some strangers shower drippings.

It was awesome.

Public humiliation for the win.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Work work work work work.
Drives me NUTS.
It's a long story, but it ended with me, going against my usual sycophantic nature when it comes to higher ups, screaming pretty profanities and calling up both the New Jersey corporate office and the one in Northern Europe. I got my paycheck they had shorted me on, though, and I almost have gotten myself fired. But if they do, I'll sue them until they can't walk straight, my legal stick will be so far up their ass. Hunching over will be a feat with that piece of protruding from their mouth.

Not really. But whatever. I'll be pissed if they fire me, and I'll try to sue, but who knows if it'll work, yeah? I need to start documenting stuff religiously, and eventually call up the Labor Board if I do get canned, and then raise as much hell as possible.

Also, I was very good with restricting yesterday, but was over a pound heavier today. I felt all bloated and heavy and I think that's why. I don't know what's up with my body, but hopefully I'll shake it at the gym today.

Dog got hurt. It was scary. It's what started the screamy match - because they shorted me almost $200 on my last paycheck and I've been fighting for near 2 weeks to get it fixed. And when dog got hurt, I realized I didn't have ANYTHING to pay the vet with and she was bleedy all over me. So I was screaming at them while rushing my chew (chihuahua) the clinic, and getting blood all over my only pair of pants that presently fit and one of my favorite shirts. My poor dog was already freaked out because I had dragged her out all terrified like, and then I was screaming while driving, and she hates being in the car already, and she was shaking like a LEAF.
Though to elaborate the total awesome, when I got in, they rushed her back...and it turned out her nail had only cracked. That it had gone straight to the quick and even her toe thingy, and that the only reason it was bleeding so much was because of how the break was placed. They just pulled it out really fast, tamped at it, and gave her back. They didn't even charge me. When I asked why, they said, "Because we only charge for work. And all we had to do was tug that out. Trust me, the doctor wouldn't let us charge you for something that simple. Just make sure she doesn't go out on the rocks, and if she seems to still be troubled by it, bring her back. I hope she feels better!"

I was like, "This place is amazing o.o"

So yeah. Totally didn't have to pay what I thought I would. I brought her home, and she wound up running around again like she hadn't been hurt, but was super cuddly. I know her paw is still sore, because she's being a huge brat, and all she wanted to do was curl up with me. She always acts that way when she doesn't feel good. I mean, she likes to cuddle, a LOT, but she's SUPER playful with our other dog, and loves to bask in the sun, but today she did NOT want to get up from my lap at ALL.

Not that I mind.

Aaaand I've been writing, too. Working on parts of my book. I'm sort of stumbling on it a little bit. I have a few that I'm doing, but the one I'm working on right now is my major project - the other two are short novellas, and they're not really meant for major publishing, so much as just...short sort of chaptered stories? That may come out later. They're examining sexuality by following two individuals who try to figure out the true importance and meaning of sexual preference, and whether or not love really does have any bounds.

I have to be in a certain mood to write them. But the main one I'm working on (a fantasy novel) is my baby. Because I get to have MY sense of humor while working on it, which is very dry and ironic and mean.

Total rabble. Rabble Rabble Rabble. I hate stress, yo.
I need the gyyyyymmmm todayyyyyy.

Another quick updaaate

I am OUT of the 150's. 149 - 149.2 (it varies between those two numbers)
This month, I haven't been losing at the rate that I normally do. Granted, I still have a little over a week, but I doubt I'll be able to lose 6 pounds in about a week. My goal is three more before months end, which will put me at ten.

To be honest, I've been...terrible. I think I needed it. Well, I know I did. I actually stopped counting calories for three days straight - THREE! I had McDonalds one day (a total accident, long story), a Chinese buffet the next (going out with a friend, she wanted food, and I figured at least then I could control what I ate and portion size) and Red Lobster the next.

I've noticed that even when I don't focus on restricting...I don't eat a lot anymore, no matter what. If it's like...a meal with lots small pieces (not like McDonalds, where you have "The Sandwhich" and then "The Hashbrown", but like...lots of pieces of shrimp, and brocolli, and rice, or stuff like that) then I can manage to shove it around, give pieces to others, and just...make it look like I ate a lot more than i have.

I realized after Red Lobster that I gave my dad and step mom most of my lobster (which actually makes me sick, because did you know that Lobster is one of the closest known cousins to the cockroach? You're eating SEA ROACH WHEN YOU EAT IT), and most of my shrimp, and took the rest home. I ate a total of two bites of small lobster tail, one piece of garlic shrimp, one piece of coconut shrimp, two pieces of brocolli, and five chips and artichoke dip. My biggest intake was the salad, where I just ate the lettuce plain.

I didn't gain. At all. I lost. Without thinking about it. Granted, I still got depressed, because I wasn't in control of my eating, and I don't like that feeling. And it's hard to get control again, which is what I'm doing today.

But still.

Also, I've altered my gym cycle. I go two days, and I'm off one day. No matter what. I can NOT work out on day three, and I can NOT miss on those two days. It seems to be working. It takes me two days to really, really push it until I hurt, and then day three I recover and feel fine by the time I start over again. Also, I don't feel like I burn myself out. Like it takes a lot of pressure off of me to go Every. Single. Day. Like I'm letting myself be not-perfect, and it's relaxing. But this is only like, into the second week of it, so I'll let you all know how it goes!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thinspo Quotes

I binged. A lot.
And I thought what's the point? I just got tired. I looked in the mirror, and saw myself, as fat as always. I know the rest of this weight that will come off now? Every ten pounds will count. Because there was so much there before, that now that I have stripped off so much now I will be getting down to the pieces that matter.
But still...still I was so tired, and I looked in the mirror, and I opened up my thinspo quote journal, and found these...

  • Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere & you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.
  • Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up
  • Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.
  • They always say they're concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down & force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse.
  • Without discipline, there is no life at all.

So I thought I'd share some of those with you, because I think while they didn't make the binge better, or the shit my day just went to, they at least helped make it more tolerable.
Stay strong, ladies.
And wish me luck.
I think I need it.
Because all I feel like I can do right now is fail.

(Sorry for all the downer posts)

Developing Ick

Thank you everyone for all the props about the gym and all the nice things you said about my dedication. The truth is, I don't FEEL that dedicated right now. I actually feel a lot like a slacker, to be completely honest. I've screwed up really hard these past few days, and I've only lost about 5 pounds this month. I should be up to 6 or 7, and so I don't really feel worthy of praise, I guess. But aren't all of us like that? Isn't that why we're doing this to ourselves? We feel unworthy to ourselves - we feel down on ourselves. We feel worthless and disgusting. But we don't want other people to see us that way. Funny, isn't it? Double standards. Hypocrisy. In that sort of pathetic way.

I think I'm starting to develop body dysmorphia. It's strange that I can think it, and watch it happen, or at least recognize some of the signs. But I'm not sure if they're actual signs or not.
I've lost almost 46 pounds. I can see the difference sometimes in the mirror, but i look at myself generally and I don't see it. Logically, I know it's gone, but my legs still feel huge, and the more I worry about my weight, and the more i lose, the more disgusted I am to see HOW I am in the mirror.

I told my step mom and my grandmother I still have 50 pounds to lose. I heard them talking later about it, and how they can't believe I'd want to lose so much, and that it'll be too small. I looked in the mirror after they said that and thought, "How can you think that's even enough? I could lose 60 and still be too big. I feel like I could lose 100 and still never reach it." Of course, that's unrealistic, because eventually I'll have to stop having this big of thighs, and they'll have to not touch, and I won't have back fat anymore, and I won't have belly pudge, and that should start happening in the next 20 pounds or so, you know? I've basically gotten through the part where I won't see a difference, and now I think that it's just...this is now the time where every 10 pounds will count. Where instead of like it has been, with just...the swollen limbs getting smaller but staying swollen, they'll actually start to shape and look smaller.

But it doesn't feel like it. I feel obese. I feel heavier than some of the women who come in and their stomachs reach their mid thighs. I lay in bed pinching at my body. I'm fixating on other things. I don't want to smile because my two front teeth are a little bigger than the rest, and I can't look at people to the side, because my nose is so big I'm afraid they'll see it. I've started seeing strange things, and I feel like they're ballooning in my head, and logically, I don't think this would bother anyone else if they looked at me, but the point is that it bothers me, and that's the important thing, isn't it?

And everyone has started to comment on my weight. One of my coworkers hit on me. Sent me a text message of "Good morning, beautiful." A guy I've known for about a year, and who saw me out the other day dressed in clothing that fits (I wear a security uniform that's currently two and a half sizes too big and I don't have a shape in it). My nephew, who's 10, and god KNOWS what little kids that age say, looked at me when he came over this weekend and went "WOW you lost weight!" and my grandmother keeps saying, "You're getting skinny! You look so skinny!" and no matter how HARD I look or how MUCH I compare the pictures...I just don't see it.

Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour on the elliptical. 800 calories. I then did weights and other various machines for an hour and a half or so. I've started doing the incline benches, and I can get it at about a midrange angle and do a good 40 or so sit ups before I can't do anymore. I'm hoping to get it to the highest angle - not sure what it is, but I'll try to take a picture eventually!

I only stopped when I rolled off of the bench and almost threw up. I had been pushing myself without a break for almost a full three hours, and my stomach hurt so bad from it. I managed to drag myself home, but hell, dude, I slept so hard.

Only lost like... .2 pounds. Which sucks. Today is an off day from the gym, or so I'm telling myself. I go two days, then take one day off. It allows the body to rest and build muscle or something, and keeps you from getting used to the strain.

Makes me all anxious, though. I'm terrified of gaining. But then again, lately, I'm terrified of anything that has to do with my weight XD

Monday, June 15, 2009

But if you unplug everything, you hear that high pitched empty room hum. And the whispers come.

Was at a plateau. About 152.6 or thereabouts. Yesterday, I ate around 300 calories and was at the gym working out for over 2 hours straight, until by the time I got into the shower, I was actually shaking too hard to close the door on my first try. This morning, I was 151.4. Not amazing, but still, it means I had loss this week, and not just a maintaining.

I need to still lose 9 pounds in the next 16 days to meet my goal for this month. That means hard, hard work. But I've been slacking with the gym, and I can't do that anymore.

Although I love the feel of impending malnutrition, in that love/hate sort of way. It always starts in my shoulders. After a few days of being well nourished, when I start to starve, I become wide awake. Buzzed, like I just snorted lines of coke. My mind doesn't seem to stick to one thing, and then I begin to ache. First in my shoulders, threatening to turn into a migraine. Then down my arms. By the time it reaches my legs, nothing will take away but a good nights sleep and some food, but I can keep it put off for at least three to four days by eating just enough to stop the migraine from forming.

Of course, it will inevitably hit if I don't pick up my calories. Sometimes, I can try to keep it away, but it doesn't always work as well.

I'm under 100 calories for the day so far, and that was only to stop the malnourishment migraine from kicking in earlier. Two slices of insta-bacon for 35 cals, and 1/4 of a 70 calorie bagel. I'm going to have a psuedo calzone for lunch, which is 179 calories, and then I have some cheese I"m going to have before the gym.

Another day of working to about 600 calories on one of the machines, and then weights and more aerobics until I'm shaking too hard to close the shower door proper on my first try. That's how the rest of the week gets to go, and then maybe a bit of a break for a day or two, and then yeah...


Do you guys count liquid calories?
Like...a gatorade? Or if I have a juice box or something? Is that counted in your daily in take?
I had a yoohoo. Like, not the big bottle, but a small box of it for lunch boxes, and I'm wondering if you guys would count that?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

SC 2009 - Challenge Question 4

Summer Challenge 2009, Question 4
(Also, please check out the new poll!)

What makes you feel like your restriction is going well? Is it when you feel hungry? Or can you still see yourself as doing well when you're not hungry at all but staying under a certain caloric amount?
Do you have to feel hungry to feel successful?

She's Falling Apart - Confessions, Rage, Perfection

I saw my grades yesterday.

It was symbolic, I suppose. Three B's and C. Mediocre, at best, which is as good as failing, for me. I'm not stupid by any means. There is a certain cockiness to me that lets me believe the idea that I'm better than my peers in most ways. So to have the hard evidence in my hand that I did not get anything exceptional in school, and worse than that, I got something MEDIOCRE, was enough to put me into tears.

B's and C's are not the grades of someone you would want to operate on you. B's and C's don't get you scholarships or Ivy Leagues.

They were symbolic. Symbolic of everything in my life that's failing. My inability to clean my room or get rid of things. The struggle I have to even put away my laundry and change the habits of slacking. My inability to follow through on ANYTHING.

And also my weight. I didn't think I was this bad. I mean, about my weight. But after I saw those, to me it was evidence of how worthless I am. It was like, I saw those, and it made sense, because I don't even have control of my body, how could I have control of my brain? How could I be expected to be anything but mediocre?

I have the ability to be beautiful, I think. But I'm not, because I don't care enough to follow through. I have the ability to write, but I don't finish. I have the ability to get straight A's...but I just don't do it.
I don't know why I don't.
I just don't.

My sisters have always been prettier than me. And the middle one is smarter. I've always been the fat one. The failure. Everyone on my father's side is successful in some way. My younger cousin was a gymnast who was set for the Olympics but who's parents pulled her out because they didnt' have the dedication for it. My uncle makes nearly a mil a year. My second cousin (my father's cousin) is a producer who's currently doing a show on USA. I can't give away his name, because I don't want that traced back to me XD! But still, I the fuck do you live up to that?

I know a lot of it is my past.

I was kidnapped by my mom and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who later got indicted for "Improper Acts with a Minor" so I'm sure you can imagine what happened then. I was comforted with food at ten at night, and yelled at if I didn't finish my large fries from McDonalds. My mom didn't want me to go to school...she wanted to push for me to keep with the acting and modelling, while feeding me all the time. When I was in fourth grade, we went to an audition, and i had just started gaining weight. The producer ripped me apart. He said when he saw my headshots, I was a pretty "awkward, skinny little thing", and now I looked like the poster child for the obesity institute. When I was in fifth grade, the button snapped off my pants during recess, and I stopped playing with the other kids then.

Everything went down hill from there. And looking at pictures of myself, even when I was at my "skinniest" since I've been a late teen/adult, of about 135 or something, I was still so FAT. Sickeningly so.

And ever since that day my mom took me from school, I've gotten worse and worse with grades and weight.

My senior year I fell apart. A friend died, my girl left me, and I was in the full throes of a meth addiction. I tried so hard to get clean, but then they found his body, and I fell apart. When I did get clean, all the weight came back.

My grades never got better. I never got better.

Just mediocre. The girl who used to be slated to be published, the one who was always brilliant...mediocre.

Ugly. Mediocre. Imperfect.

And I realized I can't be that anymore.

I will be perfect. No matter how much it kills me.

B's are not good. C's are suicide worthy. They're disgusting.
A's are the only acceptable grades. And they're still not GOOD unless my GPA is a 3.8 minimum. My weight is unacceptable. 103 is the highest I should ever allow myself to go, and I have 50 pounds left until I'm there. 50 pounds to lose, with about 45 already lost.

And I can't look at myself ever again and say "halfway is good enough". Halfway is never good enough. Never again.
The only thing that's "good enough" is the goal. The only thing better than good enough is going over my aim.

Because the only acceptable norm is perfection.
And when I get perfect, I will strive to a higher level of it. So on, and so on.
I will see bones. I will see A's. I will see success.

Because so long as I am at the middle - so long as I keep stopping at "good enough", I will never be great. I will always look at my grades and see how worthless and normal I am. I will always look in the mirror and see the evidence of my past.

There are two people living on my body. The person I was, and the person I want to be. The person I want to be is drowning under the mass of my past, and the only way to free her is to peel the layers away inch by inch, and press her bony frame against my cage of skin.
And I will.
And I will have perfect grades.
And I will be perfect.

That's all that matters.

Friday, June 5, 2009


[Oh No! Picture deleted already D:!]

Okay, I took SkinnyBitch's advice.

And uh...
well...she said block bangs would look really good on me, so I decided to try it. Don't have hair dye, but might later.

Anyway, PrettyWreck delivers.

Second picture, this one not up for more than 24 hours either. Heed the hair cut. This is at the end of the day, absolutely exhausted, and I have raccoon eyes. Awesome. I aim to impress, obviously. And I did this so quickly, because I'd have lost my nerve by tomorrow!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Being Sneaky and Picture of ME

NO the above is not me. I wish. It's not yet, but it will be soon! My picture is further on...O.O! XD

I love you guys so much. The support is always awesome.

Though Pasco made a good point - passing out can give it all away. And after being seen chewing/spitting? How did I get out of it?

This is probably a good time to mention that I have been called manipulative by many people....
Though I happen to think manipulative is a bad word.
I prefer to call myself an Outcome Engineer.

You see....I had the foresight to get myself diagnosed with hypoglycemia....I don't have it. Not when I actually EAT. But that's not the point is it? The point is, I researched, and rehearsed, and went to the doctor, and got myself a nice little sheet of paper saying that I have low blood sugar, and that if I even miss one meal, I'll pass out because of it.
So now when I pass out, it's not "Are you starving yourself?!" it's "Did you remember to eat lunch?!" and "You know what that does to your blood sugar. Come on, lets get you some orange juice and then some real food."

It's always good to have aces up your sleeve, and to think ahead on these sorts of things. Always expect, and prepare for, the worst.

Anyway, as my title says....a picture of my FACE HOLY SHIT.
This is only up or like...24 hours or something, so get your fill, doveys! I'm not nearly as pretty as most of you guys that I've seen. Not like Gem, who is just....mmf. I want to be her when I grow up. If there are pics of her still up, go look, and go drool. They're more interesting than mine, honest.

(Picture deleted! D:!)
I must starve I must starve I must starve I must starve I must starve
do I have to carve it into my arms every god damn night so I won't forget this come morning?
I cannot eat. I must starve I must starve I must starve I must starve
this ego-syntonic disorder sways both ways, the justification for eating overcome by own inner guilt.

I feel hungry and I wish I felt it to my bones. I wish I didn't know that bone deep hunger as well as I do anymore.

It's all I FEEL. I don't feel small hunger I feel overcoming me. I survive on anywhere from 300-900 calories a day.

Today I passed out.
They got me burger king.
i ate it ALL.
There went my 180 calorie day out the window. least it was a delicious way to fuck up.
But that's not the point.



Done now. Please forgive this ambien rant. :3

SC 2009 - Challenge Question 3

Poll will be up soon. For now, here is the long answer question.

This question is going to be incredibly simple and incredibly complex all at once. Answer with the first thing that comes to mind, and then explain it.

I happen to think this is the most challenging question possible, especially when posed without context.
So...without further ado.....

SC 2009 Challenge Question 3:


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good Girls Don't Swallow, We Lie

So what do you get when you have two incompetent coorporate level bosses, drama distracting your other boss, and a three person graveyard crew with two people going on vacation?
Massive overtime and headaches.
They approved vacation time for my two guys on my shift. There's three of us. Now we have two days completely uncovered, which for security, is no bueno. And also means that I have to be there every day, because SOMEONE needs to be there who knows the ropes. And now they're trying to cheat me out of my god damn overtime. Asswipes.

I've felt bad about wanting to write in this, because I don't feel like I'm doing this right, I guess. I feel like I've "turned my back on ana". The other day, I got up to 1000 cals, I think, and I didn't feel guilty.

My thinspo playlist on my ipod, and all the songs I have that are strictly my "thinspiration" ones, get skipped over whenever I play it on shuffle, because I'm too ashamed to hear them.

I can't do that anymore.

I've lost some weight. More than I did last month. This past month was 14lb's. I wanted to lose 15, but I guess I can't really complain, can I? 14 is better than none. I lost 5 inches off my waist. I don't feel like I deserved it with how I've been acting the past few days, but I think part of it just...the after period stuff.

But whatever.

I had a friend come into town who I hadn't seen since seventh grade. This is a girl who I love more than anything (not romantically). I broke a locker with a kids head for making her cry.

I didn't go see her. I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror. Saw my arms. And went back to bed.


Yesterday, I took an ambien (a full one, yes. I'm having a hard time shaking them) and laid there looking at my stomach until I felt it kick in. They don't make me tired. They make me dellusional. I dragged at my skin and breasts until I could see my ribs, and wondered what it would be like to look in the mirror and just view their shadows without effort.

Girl I Like is going to the gym now to get thin (apparently I've helped to inspire her) and she said she's going to start dragging her girlfriend along. I don't want her girlfriend to go - one of my goals is to be thinner than the Bitch. Not to see her get thin too.

And Girl I Like (we'll call her K) says she just wants to get down to a size 9. She's tall, and she's got a good body, and remember, I like my women with some mass on them. CeCe LaRue and Marilyn Monroe sort of mass. Not Rosie O'Donnell mass. And when she asked what I wanted, it was hard for me to not say, "I want to run my hands down my sides and feel my bones indented on the under side of my breasts. I want to lift up my shirt, and see a spot where my pants don't touch my stomach, because my hipbones hold them out."

Or, "I want to wear a short skirt and thigh highs, and go to your house, and see your eyes when you look at me, and watch the way your lips part when you get that rush of lust, and have that feeling of victory of knowing that you could have had me before, but now you couldn't if you tried."

Yes, I know the expressions her face makes when she's aroused.
I was the other woman for a time. We didn't have sex, because I knew she'd regret it. But I showed her a few other ways you can make a girl orgasm without ever taking off their clothes or touching places "inappropriate". I know what I'm doing on a woman's body.
and her girlfriend never gets her to orgasm, btw.
And I did it. Twice. By just touching her back and hips and neck.

Yes, yes, I am god.

But this was a while ago now XD A few months or something. Whatever.

Anyway, new poll will be up later this morning or tomorrow night, and I'll update the challenge.

Another reason I've been nervous to log in is...

Parent 1: "PrettyWreck has been losing a lot of weight lately."
Parent 2: "It's amazing, isn't it?"
Parent 1: "Oh definitely. But...I saw her spit out food she was chewing. She did it for a whole cookie."
Parent 2: "In front of you?"
Parent 1: "I was outside. I saw her in the kitchen."
Parent 2: "That's strange."
Parent 1: "Do you think she's getting an eating disorder?"
Parent 2: "Like, anorexic? I've seen her eating."
Parent 1: "What about bullemic?"
Parent 2: "We'd hear her throwing up more."
Parent 1: "Maybe."
Parent 2: "Even if she did, she could do to lose the weight. But I think s he's fine."

They didn't realize I heard them XD

So yeah, I've been being V. CAREFUL.

Anyway, like I said, will update poll and stuff, and post more SC2009 stuff up later today or tonight, and will also try to catch up on some blogs.