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Thursday, October 29, 2009


I'm not gone.

Just trying to relearn what it means to breathe again.

I keep demanding of myself "Where has my self control gone? When do I get to take it back?"
And I think this as I make food to eat when I don't need it - not even meals like normal people, but snacks and things to eat when I'm not hungry. And I hear that voice in the back of my head saying, "NOW. Now is when you take it back."
And then I ignore it.

And eat anyway.

That voice has gone so quiet. I wish I could go back to that triggering moment when I went "I can do this now" and just...stopped eating.

Anyway. Doctor thinks it's all PMDD. I've been depressed. Like...can't get out of bed, depressed. Can't move, depressed. Can't breathe, depressed. Where I feel physically ill and always cold. They think that's why I've been sick so long - because I'm not happy. Doc says it has to do with my period, and just gave me a higher dose of Adderall.


My head feels blank.

But at least I'm not hungry anymore.

Maybe I'm depressed because I'm eating.
I keep thinking, "I'll stop when I'm not sad anymore. I just need this to get through the day."
And I eat.
And I feel depressed, and sick from the food. And I think, "I should purge", but I don't. And I regret not purging. I regret the initial act of eating.

Maybe the key to getting control of my emotions is getting control, again, of what goes in my mouth.

This weekend, I'm throwing out all my food. Everything that's higher than 200 cals per serving. I'm cutting down to having at the MOST 1000 calories a day, with a goal of 800 calories a day by the end of the week. From there, I'll start up a schedule of how many calories I'm allowed in a single week, so if I fuck up one day, it won't feel like a complete failure, and I can make it up to myself for the other days.

I'm going to start aiming for a tops of 700, with a goal of 600 again.
I'm not touching the scale for another 2 weeks, until I get myself under control. Until I can get my life under control. The numbers cannot guide me right now.
I just have to stay strong.
No...not stay strong. I'm not strong right now.
I have to make myself strong again.

My legs feel weak and weary, made lead by weakness and the fat left in the wake of that temporary satisfaction known as food. Despite the heaviness of them, I have to stand and I have to move. There is no other way to fight the devil in my head unless I starve it out.

I will take away the fat it feasts on, and leave the purity of my bones to see my value by.
Because I don't know any other way.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

More Icons - 83 Thinspo Icons

More icons. 83 in total.
Since it would be too big of a post to put up here, I'm going to just give you guys a link to my icon journal. Not a lot of stuff there, just like...pb stuff (if any of you rp). I don't normally link back to stuff that can trace me, but yeah...not many people I know, know about that icon journal.
If you do feel the need to comment, please do it here.

Previews - Click on any icon to get to the journal post:

To the person who asked if I can make their display pic have animated text:
I'm using a web based program right now to do these, because my photoshop isn't working on my computer. I can make you an icon of your display pic, but until I get my animation and photoshop thing to work, I'm not able to do full size ones right now :( I'm sorry, love ♥

Monday, October 19, 2009

Motivation Lost

I've been having a hard time caring. I don't like myself, and I hate looking in the mirror, but they've pulled me off my ADD meds, and I think things have just been a bit overwhelming. It's been hard for me to even study, much less worry about what I'm eating. I've balanced out at about 133-134, which is a hideous weight, and I hate myself for it. But it doesn't seem to be enough to make me want to lose anymore. I think I just need a break to like...settle things out.

Girl I'm in love with, K, asked her girlfriend to marry her. I wound up breaking down sobbing in the gym a few days later when it hit. I have a somewhat-girlfriend, and I feel bad for being with her when I'm in love with someone else, to the point where it physically hurts to talk to K. T, my current girl, is too sweet. She doesn't insult me back, and likes to be cute. K and I refer to each other as whoreface, and make comments about "Go get your whoreface in the kitchen where it belongs and make me a sandwich!" And I can't do that with T. She doesn't seem the kind who would take to playful arguments very well. Which makes me sad. I get bored with general affection. Plus, K is here, and T is in another state, so it's hard for me to keep interest.

Is that bad of me to say?'s the worst part, and the part that's going to make me burn in hell.
When I met her, she wasn't small, but she was absolutely gorgeous. And then I saw more recent pics (it's been a LONG time) and she's gotten...really big.
And yeah.
I don't know. Is it bad of me to be terrified? Because I don't want to get bigger if I'm with someone who is bigger. And...I don't know. I just didn't expect that based on how she used to look, and what she had been showing me, and yeah.
I feel bad for becoming someone who judges so strongly on weight, when I didn't before.

I think I'm allergic to amphetamines, which is the base of two only ADD meds that have worked. I'm trying one of them again (Adderall) to see if I wind up having a reaction, or if it was just the food coloring in the Dexedrine. I'm hoping it's just the food coloring. I don't go well with the other types of ADD meds.

I'm going to go try and study, and not think about everything I'm eating. I'm at 1300kcals a day, and it makes me so fucking sick to think about it.

I feel like such a cow.
But it's hard to care.
I think I'm just...gonna take a break from all of this. I don't know. I'll think about it later.

I'll have more icons up for you guys later.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Weight Loss Maths make me cringe

After doing some research, I found that, to reach my goal by January 26th (my birthday), I need a daily deficit of
975 calories, or a weekly deficit of 6825kcal.

My resting/basal metabolic rate (or calories burned a day) at the same site says I'm at 1586 at the very minimum for calories burned in one day.

So...if I eat 900kcal a day (which is my current goal, because I keep BINGING and I gained so much fucking weight...I'm back up to 132 and I want to is trying to not let myself binge D:) then I have a deficit of 686 a day.
So I need to burn 214 calories extra every day that I don't go to the gym.

And on days when I do go?
I burn about 2393 total. Meaning I have a deficit of 1493kcal for the day (that's the calories burned during exercise, plus the calories burned just doing daily activities).

So, if 1 pound is 3000 cals, and I go to the gym about 4 times a week, then my weekly deficit should be something like 8000kcal, right? So I should be able to lose at least a pound a week?

Only it doesn't happen that way.
Why can't weight loss be pretty and mathematically accurate?

Or why can't I at least stick to only 900 cals a day and stop shoving my face full of fat?

Site used here

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Thinspo Icons - 48

48 Icons made by me, to try and not pay attention to me wanting to eat (and failing...v.v;;)

With Words/Animated