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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Strange Convos, Fainting, and Weight

I am completely hooked on this stupid website.
so how are you doing?
bleeding X( and tiiiiiirred

in the non family way?
eh XD?
well, if you happen to be pregnant, then you're in the family way. so what happens when youre not pregnant?
Then you happen to be in the "My body murders a baby every month inside of my uterus, so pro lifers should come and protest my vagina" sort of way.

(typos added in purposefully, so the actual convo won't show up in search engines later, in case one of my friends I showed the original to gets a weird urge to look it up in a search engine o.o;.)

I have discovered that I am never allowed to rejoice/brag again.
124.6. BAH! I almost screamed. But it's my fault. I took a full ambien, and yes, ambien does make me eat. One of the side effects is "Sleep Eating", and that's the one I wind up getting. So instead of going to sleep, I ate a moonpie and a rice cake coated in peanut butter. Right before bed.
Oh well.
We'll just see how it turns out.

And I also hate periods.
I'm so freaking exhausted.

Though I find it strange, and sort of embarrassing. Two girls I dated before were pretty skinny, and short like me. They couldn't use tampons, and I always thought it was strange.
Now that I've lost a lot of weight, I found out that I can't use them either.
It really, really hurts. Like getting punched slow motion in the gut, and it makes my hips feel like there's so much pressure in them, and it eventually causes my entire back to knot up. It's...the absolute weirdest thing in the world, but I guess it's just because of height, and because there's not as much padding anymore to stop it from hurting.

It kind of feels like I've gone back to being a little girl again.

I don't know if it's strange or not. Should weight affect my ability to use them? It's been uncomfortable before, but never painful like this.

Oh well.

I schedule my exam for my personal trainer thing after work is over at 6am. I'm nervous and terrified, but also I know I need to schedule it or I won't study.
I have to do this.
I haven't been studying like I need to. I'm scared i won't pass. But I have to pass.
I'll find a way around this, and a way to do it. I know I will.

I told MK that one of the great things about losing weight is that I'm at a point where I never thought I would be. Yeah, I have a lot more to go, but this has already proven that I can do what I thought was always impossible. So now I just have to apply that to my SCHOOL.


Ok, off to study.

Added Later

Maybe I shouldn't like...go so long between meals while I'm on my period.

Because I just passed out. In the office at work. Alone. But it was that wake-up-right-as-you-land kind? Where you suddenly go blank, and then feel the impact of the floor? And when I opened my eyes, I was like...a hair away from a very sharp desk corner. I work alone every night because of my shift (over nights), there's only two people on shift, and my coworker has a post in another building.

So...if I had hit my head, that could have been bad.

and yeah.

Still. Kind of awesome. I haven't passed out from being hungry-face in a long time. Though I think this more counts as anemia?
I don't know if I'm proud or if I should chastise myself XD

New Low.

123.4 lbs.

Even after actually eating for our Friday thanksgiving celebration. I dragged myself to the gym after it, no matter how tired I was. I did an hour and a half of cardio, but no weights, because I would up feeling really sick partway through and got bad stomach cramps. But I went home, and weighed in at 123.2, when I had been at 125.4 when I woke up.
And I went to bed. And woke up. And was at 123.4 when I was expecting, completely, to be at 125. I would have been happy to be at 125.

If I can maintain this, and keep it off until the final night of this month (the night of the 30th to the 1st), then I'll have officially lost like...well...almost 9 lbs this month.
I would have lost 8.6lb's this month, from my high on the 1st of 132.
Can you believe that you guys have followed me so far through 63.6 lb's of weight loss since April 1st? That's...that's about as much as my 10 year old nephew weighs.

Who seems to have their momentum back?
PrettyWreck has their momentum back!

I just have to keep telling myself, "One day at a time", and listening to my body, and my will power, and my self control. Knowing when I can push myself, and when I need to relax. Working with, instead of against. I keep carefully tailoring my diet. Going on strict restriction when I know I need the control, and then having some days where I don't count calories, but keep reminding myself, "Eat light, and eat well", and don't weigh myself until I start fighting again.

I didn't force myself to stay under a certain calorie amount on Thursday or Friday, because I knew I wouldn't be able to. I'd hate myself if I tried. So I refused to think about it. Anything I grabbed for my plate, I'd take a serving, and put half back. Then I didn't clean my plate, but only ate about half of what was there, and was the first one up and cleaning. We always clean the kitchen before dessert, and I took dishes duty, so no one would see how little I had eaten of my meal. That, and it's the most strenuous part of the job, so it helps burn more calories.

Today is back to the counting, because I feel like I can do it again, and I always, ALWAYS have to be careful after a sudden drop, because I'm prone to being able to put it back on again quick.

I'm proud of myself.
I know I overate yesterday, and I did it BAD.
I've overeaten for two days in a row.
And still, I managed to balance it out with exercise, and didn't overeat as terribly as I thought, if I'm still losing.

It's amazing when "feeling full" equates to "eating too much". I realized how odd that must be for some.
I could eat 40 calories in carrot sticks, with two glasses of club soda, and feel very full (carrot sticks and club soda are massively filling). And then I feel like I binged.

Maybe it's bad to think like that, but it...kind of helps.
When I eat until I'm not hungry, instead of feeling full, I'm okay with it. Because that "not hungry" feeling gives way to a little hint of hunger later that I can put off with diet soda or some water, and I feel like I'm still burning.
Full doesn't go away for hours, and it makes me feel like my body is turning everything into fat.

Maybe that's why I still managed to lose?
Because I try to avoid "full"?

Who knows.

I'm just happy.
I'm not going to analyze it anymore. I'm curious about it, and the reasoning, but I'm also afraid of cursing it.

Anyway, I have only 9 pages (18 if you count front and back) left in my pen and ink journal for this section. It's a three section spiral notebook, and the first section is "130-120", section 2 is "120 lbs-110 lbs", and the third is "110 lbs-100 lbs", so that means I have to get into the 110's range pretty soon, or else I won't be able to write in there anymore until I do, which is...strangely a really big motivator.
Whatever works, right?

So I'm off to the gym. I'm going to do a light run, then onto my stair climber and treadclimber, maybe some rowing, and then light arm workout and then core exercises.

Let's hope I can keep this low weight until months end! And then keep up the momentum through December, because if so?
I'll be under 115 by the new year.
And that same time last year, I was at 190, and still wearing a size 20.

To be 75 lb's lighter, and hopefully 16 sizes smaller (I would like to be a 4, maybe?). Wouldn't that be awesome?

The end.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

BMI Goals; Sizing Goals; Weight Goals

I have weight loss landmarks, and I also have BMI landmarks, and sizing landmarks.
So for being 4'11 and 3/4's, here are my BMI landmarks and goal weights.

BMI Goals
Starting 1: 197.8 lb, December 1st, 2008; BMI - 38.9
Starting 2: 187 lb, April 1, 2009; BMI - 36.8
Current: 124.8 lb, November 25, 2009; BMI - 24.8

•121.6 lb; BMI - 23.9
•116.5 lb; BMI - 22.9
•111.4 lb; BMI - 21.9
•106.3 lb; BMI - 20.9
•103 lb; BMI - 20.3

And MAYBE if I still feel chubby at 103, then...
100 lb; BMI - 19.7

Sizing Goals:
(Using conversion charts from the internet--might be wrong! I use US sizing since...I'm in the US XD)

Starting 1: 197.8 lb, December 1st, 2008; Size US 20 - UK 24
Starting 2: 187 lb, April 1, 2009; US 18 - UK 22
Current: 124.8 lb, November 25, 2009; US 6 - UK 10

I lose 1 dress size every 5.12 lb's according to the average (Amount lost / Dress sizes lost).
I think as I start toning up when I get closer to my goal, while the weight may be "heavier" because of some muscle (a pound or two more, maybe?) that I'll be flatter. If that makes sense. The fat weight will be replaced more with muscle weight.

I've been fitting a size 6 since I was around 129, so we'll start there.
I'm doing every number, since it depends on the designer if they use even's or odd's to label their clothing sizes.
NOTE: Thanks to throughraindrops for the correction in sizing differences!

•129 lbs; US size 6 / UK size 10
•123.88 lbs; US size 5 / UK size 9
•118.76 lbs; US size 4 / UK size 8
•113.64 lbs; US size 3 / UK size 7
•108.52 lbs; US size 2 / UK size 6
•103.4 lbs; US size 1 / UK size 5

•100-103 lbs; size 0 / UK size 4 (I know the math is off, but I think that by toning and firming, I'll be able to achieve it.)

Size estimates are very rough, since it depends on weight in muscle gained/lost, and sometimes according to my pen and ink journal, I've dropped a size in 3 pounds, and other times, 8 pounds, depending on what I do in regards to exercise.

Landmarks and Rewards
These are my goals now, altered to coincide with the above goals. They're still pretty much the same as before, but the rewards now are linked to when major landmarks are reached instead.
GG means General Goal
LM-BMI means "Landmark - BMI", meaning I've dropped a point on the BMI range.
LM-S is for only if I should have dropped a size. Rarely planned big rewards for these, since it's just a general map for size changes
Not all have rewards yet, since i figure some will change and I can choose what I want the closer I get.

• 123 lbs ; LM-S - New sports bra/bras ; if size change, new pair of dark blue jeans.
• 121 - 121.6 lbs; LM-BMI - UnderArmor Top, all seasons
• 119 lbs; GG - Pedicure
• 117 lbs; LM-S - No general reward as of yet; if size change, potential new pair of slacks
• 115 lbs; LM-BMI - Second UA Top, look into all seasons, compression (if available) OR Reebok Easy Tone Shoes.
• 113-113.64 lbs ; LM-S - No general reward as of yet; if size change, UA compression shorts.
• 111 - 111.4 lbs; LM-BMI - No major reward as of yet
• 109 lbs; GG - No reward as of yet.
• 107 lbs; LM-S - if size change, potential new jeans ; no general reward as of yet
• 105 lbs; LM-BMI - Shopping spree-socks?
• 100-103; FINAL GOAL! If able to maintain for 2 weeks without significant gain or struggle (meaning, no going over 103.9, avoiding major binges, etc., and being at the 100-103 range consistently through out the two weeks), then a weekend in a hotel with an hour (or longer) massage, and some new work out gear (either more medicine balls, a weight set, rubber band set, clothing, whatever I need at that point).

If I decide to go any lower than these, then that'll be the choice then. For now, I'm sticking with this range until I reach the 100-103 lb range, and then decide if it's too high/too low. I figure that since I'm actually getting close, and i have a terrible habit of sputtering out of motivation when I reach that point, I need the landmarks and reminders to keep me motivated. Little tiny finish lines, in a sense, at least when it comes to the BMI portion :3

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Operation: FYT

Operation: Fuck You Turkey (FYT)
Goal: Lose 1 more pound by the end of November
Starting Weight: 125.6
Goal for December 1: 124.6
Big Hurdle: Don't get caught in your ED on Thanksgiving (we're celebrating it Friday at my house).
My method around it: Fill up plate with lots of different foods, pick at it, fill up mostly on veggies and "safe" foods. Hit the gym for a two hour horror fest of cardio and then an hour worth of weights to burn off approx. 1500kcal.
Crack down rest of month (last remaining 3 days) to ensure weight comes off.

I'm worried. I hate setting goals. It almost is a sure thing that I won't hit them. But...the name sounds awesome! FYT! FUCK YOU TURKEY!


I just did 3 1/2 hours at the gym. 2 hours of cardio, 40 minutes of weights, and the rest of that was spent stretching or staring blankly at things when it literally took too much effort to move.
But I had 900 calories before I went. And I still need to eat a little something before bed to stop the migraine that can come if I don't.
I burned about 1036 calories on cardio, and maybe 150-200 on weights?
I'm hoping this translates to a good day on the scale tomorrow.
I've been binging too much.

Now i just want to sleep.

It's just one day like the rest. If you do have to eat, remember to eat slow, chew 25 times before swallowing, and take a sip of water every 2 bites (every 1 bite tends to look suspicious) and try to talk while you eat, so you eat slower and feel fuller faster. Stay away from liquor, because it KILLS your calorie intake and will undo all your hard work! Try club soda or diet sodas to fill you with the fizziness! And if you HAVE TO EAT SWEETS
PUMPKIN PIE is LESS CALORIES than any of the cakes or other pies!
SWEET POTATOES with Marshmallows is over 100 cals LESS than traditional mashed potatos!
White meat on a turkey is OVER 100 cals less than the dark meat!
And canned cranberry sauce is deadly on the calorie amounts!

REMEMBER it's JUST another day! YOU CAN DO IT!
I hope for updates come Thursday, and you'll get one after our celebration on friday.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Calming Down

Yesterday before bed I was 124.4.

Took a full ambien, and wound up binging again. Not a lot. But I was up to 125.4. I'm not too pissed right now, because I was honestly afraid that with all I've been eating, I'd be up in the 126-127 range. exercise and eating badly=weight fluxuation of an average of 1lb up and down? I'm totally cool with that.
Tuesday morning is the return to the gym.
Again. Took the weekend off to clean, and today, I take my step mom to the doctors. So I'm hoping that my return will hail the loss of more weight before the end of November. Which would be awesome. It would be amazing if i could end the month at 122. That would be 9 pounds this month. I doubt I could do it (though I was at 124.4, so maybe? Maybe I could just get to 123?) but it's a nice thought.

I go out to brunch (technical brunch, but a little past my dinner time because of my schedule) with my step mom today. I plan to eat maybe soup or something, because I'm so afraid of waking up and paying for all I've been eating. I know this weekend i haven't exceeded more than 1300 calories a day, but still, that feels like such a huge number now. And 2000 nearly makes me hyperventilate to consider it.

I'm going to study when I take her to her first doctors appointment, since I'm taking her to the docs, then to brunch, then we're both going to the chiropractor's/physical therapy office I went to, so they can see if they can find out what's wrong with her. I'm hoping they can. We both have a similar experience with doctors.

If I could get down to 123, that would mean I had lost 8 pounds this month.
That means by the end of the December, I would be 115lb, and by the end of January I'd be 107lb's, and by the end of February, my goal weight!
I doubt I'll lose 8lbs a month, but it's nice to dream!
It would be BETTER if I could somehow lose the last remaining 23lb's by January 26th (my birthday).
Be 103lb's for my 23rd birthday.
Ah, doubtful.
But a girl can dream.

(Though if I am 123 by December 1st, then I'd only have 20lbs to lose. That would be .35lb's a day, or 10.8lb's a month. Maybe if I pushed really hard? :3)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A monster under the mask

Thank you everyone for your support.
I think I was over reacting. I just don't know how to explain how it feels to keep looking down at your body and bones and thinking, "How can everything in me be so ugly?"

I've always felt like I was damaged. And that seemed to confirm it.
My problems with my female bits is a disease that 1 in 1.5 MILLION women have. I'm fairly certain I'll never be able to carry a child, which, despite the fact that I don't want to give birth, still takes the instincts in me very sad in a way. Sort of nostalgic, and I know it'll hurt later.
My breasts have gotten smaller since I lost weight, but there's extra skin. I have always had saggy-type breasts. I had a C-Cup by fourth grade. I was like...TEN. And then they started to not be perky, and I've always hated them, and now they're worse than ever before. I keep thinking, "When I have a good job, I'll save up and get them perked and made into a full D, instead of this half-C, half-D", because...I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel like I can ever be really attractive if my breasts aren't.
They're the epitome of what makes a woman.
And no matter how pretty I look with my clothes on, if I want to cry when I see myself without them, then all the clothes are is just a mask that hides the ugly truth.

And now my skin, which is ugly already, is hiding an uglier truth. I'm ugly on the outside, and now on the in. I mean...the two things i was diagnosed with are so EMBARASSING.

And the Scoliosis isn't full out. The tilt is only a 10.8 degree, and you need ot have a 21 degree or greater curve to qualify as Scoliosis. But they said it's bad enough to fall into something that's seen as "the beginning stages", and is correctable, and won't be as hard as the neck. It's just...the word sounds embarrassing.
And I would love to talk to someone who has it. Because I want to do everything to try and make myself better and good enough. I need to take up yoga. Badly.

I didn't weigh myself today.
After I got off the computer, my step mom brought me chips ahoy cookies and a jar of peanut butter.
She was trying to make me happy.

I binged.
I had a total of six cookies, and half of a slimfast bar. Four of the cookies were in milk, two covered in peanut butter, and the slimfast bar in peanut butter. That was yesterday before bed.

I've had, today, 360 calories.

I'm keeping it under 500 if I can, to make up for it.
And I didn't do gym. I'm so tired today. It's hard to move.
I have to get my room clean, so I'm just focusing on that.

I feel so strange. I never realized how I could feel so terrible about myself, and so great all at the same time, but now I do.
I know - I know - I am hot shit. I know I look better than a lot of girls do. When I put on my make up, and shake out my hair and then clip it up just right, so it's orderly but messy....when I put on certain clothes that accentuate the curves and the flat belly, and my pants slink down just enough to show off the hip bone and the start of a tattoo...when I wear red to make the black hair blacker and the blue eyes bluer....when I wear heels to make my legs look longer and my hips look better...I know I get attention.
I have big breasts, a narrow waist, and wide hips.
I have full lips, and eyes that border between blue, green, and gray.
I have high brows.
And when I put on my make up, and do my hair, and put on cute clothes....I can get whatever I want....

...but then I smile. And the fat around my eyes shows. The wrinkles comes. My face morphs like jelly and my cheeks get too big and I get lines at the corners of my mouth that reach up to my nose. And my nose is huge, and I have too big of pores on my cheeks. My hair looks gross if i don't do my bangs, and is prone to breaking. I can't stand how i look without make up.
My front two teeth are longer than the rest.

Under my clothes, my stomach is flabby. My sides are still fat. My breasts hang, and there's too much skin, now. I have fat arms, and stretch marks under them, and I get break outs on my back. I have stretch marks on my hips and tummy. My female bits are gross looking - not like most girls, but they seem just...wrong. My legs are so huge without the clothing there to disguise way the fat is on them. The backs of my knees are oddly shaped and hollow, and the font of them has the fat dimples. My calves are huge. My feet are gross.

I jiggle when I move.
And as if that isn't bad enough, now my spine is bad.
And my female parts are bad.
I'm ugly. Outside and in. I don't ever feel smart (I feel superior, just not very smart). I know I can pull off smart, and impress people, but it falls apart when against someone who actually is.
I have a bad personality and have no idea how to act in friendships and social situations.
I dont' like my personality most of the time.
I can't keep friends very well.
I can't even keep promises very well.
But god, I can act like it. And make people believe I do. Make people think I'm smart, and ambitious, and friendly, and fun to know. Make people think I'm this amazing girl, who they all want to be.
But it's a mask.
Get close enough to peel off the clothing of my act to the truth beneath, and you see how ugly i am.
Like if you peeled off my skin to see my spine.
Or my clothes to see my body.
Or my make up to see my face.

I'm a monster hiding underneath the pretty girl's facade.
I feel so confused when i look the mirror and I look pretty, because I don't understand how I can. It's not fair to the people who see me. It's terrifying how easily I can change my face and hide so much, so people believe I'm something worthy of loving or knowing.

I realized why I hate myself so often, while loving myself all at once.
I love the mask, not the person underneath.
And I just wish I somehow knew how to be the person I pretend I am.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I'm in crisis.
Purging will not fix the diagnosis.
Purging will not make me healthy.
Purging will not change the x-ray results.
Purging will not make the tests all lies.
Purging will not make it less expensive.
Purging will not take away the disease.
I'm too young to have this.
I'm too young to be so ugly both inside and out.
I'm too young to have this problem.
I cannot purge.
I will not purge.
I went to lunch.
I went to lunch because i thought I could deserve something after learning what was wrong, and to spend time with family. And now it just hit what they diagnosed me with, and now I want to go throw everything up.
I want to empty myself.

Purging will not take it away.
Purging will not make the results any different.

I have the beginning stages of scoliosis and degenerative disc disease.
My neck is so fucked up, that the doctor I went to said it's the worst case he's seen in someone this young.
My vertebrae are starting to fuse.
The blood flow to my brain is so severely limited and getting worse.
it's why I get dizzy.
It's why I wake up every day in pain.
He said it can be fixed, but it's expensive, and will take a lot of time. Like...$3000.
And all I could think is, "Great...I'm this ugly outside, and now I'm this ugly at the very center of me? At my SPINE?"
I could get a hunch back because of my neck. I hate hunch backs.
My lower back, with the cockeye sideways tilt to the spine isn't as bad visually. It's not as badly cockeyed as is needed for an official diagnosis of scoliosis, but it's getting worse.

I have nerve damage. It makes my hands and feet go numb.
It apparently is causing my attention deficit because of the blood flow lack.
It could become PERMANENT if I don't treat it.

And I'm shaking.
And I want to go purge, because purging will be cathartic. It will make me stop shaking. It will make me feel better. It will make me feel more in control. It will get out the ugliness of the food in my stomach and make me CLEAN inside.


it will damage the enamel on my teeth.
And could make them fall out.
And then I'd be more god damned ugly than ever before.

I think my emotions just crashed.
Partway through this post I was sobbing.
Now I feel numb.
It's nto life threatening.
But my spine is messed up.
I could be hurting for the rest of my life.
It's so much money.
I'm so young.
It's such an ugly disease.

And I'm lucky we found it in time.
And part of me is just...kind of laughing a little. Because i"m sitting here, feeling ugly, and disgusting, and today, I got treated very badly by one girl who snapped and basically said, "Do you not see it? Every man in here you've talked to is drooling and falling all over themselves to do EVERYTHING for you. I never get treated like you do! And you don't even LIKE men!"
when I focused on it...I kept getting drinks brought to me. And doors held open. And when the guys weren't working, they'd come and talk to me until someone needed them again.
I was sort of amused. Cocky. Happy. I'm still fat. Granted, I hit a new low weight, despite the binge (125), but...I was watching them, and realizing yeah...yeah...they are flirting, aren't they? They are all smiling, and they are all making sweet comments, and treating me wonderfully, aren't they? How can they not see it? Do they not realize how ugly I am? Now just not on the outside, but the in? what would happen if I pulled off my clothes? Pulled off my skin? Would they see the ugly monster that's damaged my bones?
I want my bones to show. They're supposed to be pretty. But they're not.
Nothing in me ever will be pretty.
My personalithy is terrible, and my bones are ugly now.
It's taken everything from me.

I can fix it.
With a lot of money.
I just can't let myself purge.
It will ruin my teeth, and I refuse to make myself anymore gross. I'll pay for my stupid idea of eating, and starve it the rest of the week.

New motivation to starve, right?
Realize how ugly you are inside, so you struggle to distract people with perfection of body.
My personality is bad. My breasts are bad. My spine is bad.
All I have left is the ability to look better than the rest of the girls.

Oh sweet vanity, fuck you and your mother, but you've won me over.
Ana, I'm all yours.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bingey binge McBinge-face

Not touching the scale today.
I went to the gym, and when I got home, I was at 124.
Then my stepmom made blueberry muffin mix in the form of a cake. I was planning on taking just a small slice, since I still had calories left, but I wound up taking a size that was probably a full damn serving. Then I took a full ambien, and didn't go to sleep like I knew I should. Instead, I had a jello mousse with dark chocolate chips put in it (60 cal mousse, 60 cal chocolate chips=120cals total) and a slimfast 100 calorie bar in peanutbutter (at least 200cals).
And a bunch of milk.
And gave myself a migraine because I fucking fail.

Now I have a migraine, and I'm tired, and fat.
And I can't gym today.
Because of migraine, and because I did it two days in a row, already.
I was supposed to have my intake appointment for the chiropractor to get my xrays done, and they were going to do an electro-treatment for tension until they analyzed the results enough to be able to come up with a treatment (I have a curvature in my spine that most chiropractors won't touch because of how long it's been there. It's right at the base of my skull, and is from an injury when I was a little kid. They're going to see if they can treat it). But...if this migraine progresses like it feels like it is, I won't be able see, much less drive by the end of the night.


I'm off to shower and halfass drag myself to work.
And I can't starve with a migraine. I can try to restrict a little, but god, I hate this.
I hate this so much.
Why did I have to stay up? If i had gone to bed, I wouldn't have binged and would have been in the 124 range.
I wouldn't have given myself the migraine.
I wouldn't have felt this tired for staying up too late past bedtime.
Instead, I'm a failure, and now I'm paying for it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
At least I am hurting for this. It is a punishment inflicted by my own body.
It's a way of making sure I don't do this again.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Survey from OG and others

Size: 6 (US)
Age: early 20's
Highest Weight: 198lbs
Lowest Weight: 125lbs
Goal Weight: 103lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
Diet pepsi, broth, low cal bagels, yorki mints, grapes, soy beans, buttered popcorn rice cakes

Favorite Binge Food?
Anything chocolatey and sweet dipped in a jar of low fat skippy peanut butter. A jar of skippy peanut butter, soft pretzels and nacho cheese, pizza, burgers, chocolate pastries

Favorite Exercise?
Running, rowing

Before and after shots, real girl, some model

What Makes You Slip Up?
Being physically and emotionally exhausted

What Makes You Strong?
Seeing the scale go down.

When Did It Start?
April 09

Does Anyone Know?
People who read this, a few on line friends (nobody I know irl)

Do You Want Help?
No. I don't think I need it.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
I used to only eat 600, but I'm at 800-900 (a lot, but it's working).

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Depending on the day, either someone who looks damn good, or someone who's too disgusting to go outside.

Are You In A Relationship?
It's complicated.

Is It For Attention?
Everything we do is for attention, either positive or negative. Am I doing this to get attention and make people say, "ONO she's hurting"? No. I'm doing this to feel better about myself, and get attention from girls and be more confident in approaching other females I find attractive, not worrying that they'll be thinking, "Why is this fat dyke talking to me?"

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Strangely? Currently? The THIN one....

Are You Depressed?
Yes, thanks to hormones.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
First real attempt--6th grade. Downed two bottles of cleaning solution, three bottles cough syrup, a bottle of sleeping pills, half a bottle of acne medicine (I was a kid and didn't know what else to take XD) and some draino.
Second attempt--7th grade. 86 aspirin.
Third attempt--10th grade. 27 Wellbutrin.
Fourth attempt and last--Senior year. Drug overdose (illegal substances).
I had a really rough childhood, involving physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, not to mention the relationships I wound up falling in to. I'm fairly stable, considering where I came from.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
Back in the day, and presently, to stay medicated for my ADD.

Are You On Any Medication?
Adderall, Ambien

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[ ] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[~ actually only about 22] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Could it be? Am I no longer (technically) overweight?

Gym yesterday went well, but I stopped myself before I was exhausted, so it was a relatively light exercise. I did an hour of cardio (but I didn't run the 4 miles like I usually do. I did 1.5 miles and then did something else for 30 minutes, then did a ten minute mile at the end), and then I did ab exercises for about 30 minutes. So an hour and a half total. Which for me isn't super light, but it's still not what I consider a day well spent.

I was 127 before I started working out. I kept hydrated like proper, and when I got home, I was at 125.4. I had a bowl of cereal to get the carbs and protein needed, and managed to top off the day at only 600 calories (200 less than I normally do) and right before bed, I was at 125.8. I was convinced I'd be at 126 when I woke up.



MY SCALE said I was at 24.9 BMI. I think I fell over. Because my calculator I normally use has me as overweight until I'm 123.4 or something. So I ran and grabbed my textbook and got the formula (weight in lb's * 703, divided by height in inches
lbs x 703/height * height)
and came out to the same.
High end of normal weight.

I checked the calculator on line that I normally use, and realized the problem!
I'm 4'11 and 3/4's. That one doesn't count the .75 of an inch, just a straight 4'11! I AM IN THE NORMAL WEIGHT RANGE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!

I have now lost 71.8 pounds. I feel like I need to capslock the 71.8, but you can't caps numbers, so I'll bold it.

I have 22.2 left until my goal.
And those are going to be HARD to lose.

YES I'm still fat, and my arms are hideous, and I wouldn't wear shorts or skirts without a decent pair of leggings on unless being offered a good sum of money (in the range of like...a million or something) but HOLY SHIT. That was one landmark I wanted to get past so bad, AND I DID!
It's always AWESOME to meet a major goal, and that was a HUGE ONE for me! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Done now.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I disrobe to show my most convincing disguise

I disrobe and show my most convincing disguise.
I've lived so many lives each death has left my face scarred
Hid so many lies under my breath that I can't face God

Dig into my mind deep enough you'll find a graveyard
I get nervous bodies will resurface every time it rains hard
-Sage Francis

Plateaus. I got down to the 126.4. Then shot up to 128.2, then down to 127, and today, 127.6. 8 days now. 8 days at this.
Today I'm going back to the gym. I've been grounded from it, especially since I was in the hospital for the torsion thing. But I need to at least go run a little bit. Come home, study, set the date for my PT exam, and make sure I'm enrolled in the proper classes next semester. I also need to set an appointment for my adviser at school since I changed my majors. My new major only requires I take Bio 189, but I've taken 196 and 197 (which is an in depth, 2 semester version of Bio 189). It makes no sense to now demand I take a lower level biology when I've taken the advanced version of it. That would be like telling someone who just got out of Calculus III that they have to go back and take remedial math, or something.

My major was Biology With an Emphasis in Graduate Studies. Now my major is Biology with an emphasis in Applies Health Sciences. It actually means I'm further along in my degree program, so I need less classes, which is amazing. And I'll actually graduate sooner. Like...whenever I actually get off graveyards and can go to school.

But anyway.
Today is a gym day.
Today I need to break through that 127 mark and into the 126 range.
Because at this rate, I'm going to break something. Or else my willpower will break. And that's what scares me.

Though I can't think like that. Because the secret to success is perseverance. People who give up don't succeed. It's people who keep going. Who are tenacious. Who refuse to stop working for what they want. And that's all that I have to do. Just keep pushing on.

I think what doesn't help is that K, the girl I'm in love with, sent me pictures of herself on Saturday. They were of her in a low cut top, looking...just beautiful. And wouldn't you know it, but when I got them, I was listening, "The Door Is Still Open (To my Heart)" by Dean Martin, and it was this moment of "OH COME ON!", because what is more fucked up than that? It's really hard. She's engaged. She's getting married to her girlfriend. She's in love with someone else. But before they were engaged, she talked about leaving her for me. I still remember how she looked in my bed, how good her lips felt when she kissed me. Or how much fun it was to bite her at her stomach while she was trying to keep her voice even on the phone with her girl...

...she doesn't feel for me what I feel for her. And I hate her for that, in a way. But on the same note, I know one day, she'll realize what all of us know. That her and her girlfriend are bad for each other. J (her girl) is abusive in all but the physical/sexual sense, and a right idiot at that. And I know one day, she'll look back and regret the choice she made. And that's the day when I'll feel vindicated.

Though my girl, V? I feel...really bad. Because V is starting to fall for me hard. That's what her friend mentioned to I am, talking to V, and thinking about how she doesn't compare to K very I still wish I could be with K....

Maybe I got with V because I just wanted someone to be with.
I miss passion. Love. Arguments. Rage.
V is too sweet.
Too innocent.
There's nothing sultry there. Nothing dramatic. Nothing tragic. Nothing strong and beautiful.
She's just...sweet.

And I hate that I'm not losing weight faster, because I want to be so god damned hot, and I want K to see me, and realize it. I want to see her eyes on me, and know she wants me, and to know that I'm better than her girlfriend. And I'm too god damned for her now, too.

Though if she asked, even then, I'd probably still be with her.
I'm so pathetic.
I'd go with someone who's hurt me and chosen someone else over me multiple times. I really have no self respect.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Overdosing, exhaustion, weightloss....

I had a flare up yesterday right when I was heading to bed. Bad enough that I wound up literally lurching out of bed and onto the floor to try and get some of the coolness of the tiles to seep through my clothes and ease it. It was weird. This sudden violent cold and shaking while sweating and feeling so god damned hot at the same time. Like boiling water and ice are being thrown on me at the same time. It felt like my stomach and lower back was on fire. I wound up accidentally taking 1 1/2 oxy's (not realizing it was that many, because the ones they gave me from the hospital are "double dose", apparently. Since I had taken half an oxy from my normal stash, which is single dose, I grabbed the hospital one, broke it in half, and took it, thinking I would be taking only a total of one...and yeah. My bad). I had already taken an ambien, which I need to get to sleep. When none of those were working for about ten minutes, my dad let me steal one of his pain patches. I intended to take one of the mineral-ice type ones, in hopes of soothing the muscles, but he has them mixed in this big box to save on storage space, and I accidentally grabbed a morphine patch instead...

...I slept pretty hard.

Woke up thinking I was dying, of course. I tried to walk and my heart beat was so slow and light I nearly blacked out after three steps. My pulse rate is normally at 88-89, and it was at 59-60 when I took it, and couldn't even be felt in my wrist. Only place I managed to get even the faintest of pulses was on my carotid artery (the one on the side of your neck). There wasn't even a sign of it in the base of my throat, which is where it's normally strongest. A hot shower, some coffee, my adderall, and just patience, and it eventually evened itself out to a safer rate. It's still hard to feel it in my wrists, but at least I can find it there. Now I'm just tired, and irritated as hell. This is why I don't like hardcore narcotics or any form of hardcore drugs in my house. When I'm in pain, I forget what I take, and unless I carefully portion it out and study it before I need it, then I'm very, very prone to accidentally taking too many. I've gotten a lot better on it, but sometimes, when it hurts too bad to THINK, I just forget. Fucking pills.

Yesterday was also my "I must eat a lot to make my metabolism not used to low numbers" day. So I had set my goal for 1200 cals, but wound up actually at 1300 when I got stressed and had a binge. I expected to gain weight, so imagine my surprise when I woke up at 127. Not that I'm complaining. It probably has nothing to do with eating, and everything to do with the fact that I couldn't stop writhing, moving, and dry heaving for hour and a half (wonder how many calories that burns?) because the pain literally made it impossible to sit still. Hopefully, it sticks. I'm SO CLOSE to being in a "healthy" weight range. I wish I could reach 123.5 by the end of this month (where my BMI will FINALLY be 24.9), but I'm not setting any goals. Lately, it's best to just take it day by day, and take what comes, rather than get ahead of myself and look too far forward into the future.

My mouth tastes like pills. I've brushed, flossed, rinsed, and still, I can taste the pills.


Today is down to 800 again. I'm hoping to pull myself under that soon, but I'm not pushing until I'm ready. I'm not going to let myself screw this up with another binge and bout of "I don't give a fuck" and jump back up to 131. I'm okay with losing, and stopping and maintaining for a little bit before I reach my goal. It creates a "reference point". Like pausing to save a word document. It's best to get your body used to different weights, so that if you wind up gaining again, it has a point where your body stops for a bit because it's comfortable. While it won't stop you from gaining MORE than that point, it's a place where your body feels comfortable at evening out at, so it's easier to maintain it and you won't gain back all your weight, because your body recognizes that as "normal", instead of seeing the higher numbers before that as normal. It kind of solidifies in psyche and cells that that point is a "max weight" or "normal weight"...does that make sense? So I now have a "reference point" at 131, so if I were to gain suddenly, my body would stall out there on the gaining and chill long enough for me to catch it and fix.

Does that make sense?
It sounds so much better in my Personal Training book. But whatever.


Wouldn't it be prime if I was in the 126's tomorrow morning?

I hate narcotic-based pain killers....

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hospitalization and a Picture of ME

Yesterday, I had to go to the hospital.
Let me just tell you - it SUCKED.
Just so you all know, it had nothing to do with my restricting. Instead, I wound up getting this unbelievably explosive pain in my abdomen around 1pm (about an hour after i'm supposed to go to bed, but I couldn't sleep for some reason) and tried to sleep it off, finally passing out around 2. 2 hours later, I woke up in such severe pain I couldn't even breathe. I literally crawled to the bathroom, thinking I was going to be sick, and wound up laying there on the floor until my stepmom found me. She nearly had to carry me out. We got in, and her and a guard got me in a wheelchair, and yeah. Wound up going through massive tests, all to come to the most brilliant, shocking conclusion of....

...nothing. Absolutely nothing. They didn't even give me any pain meds until AFTER I was about to leave.

It wasn't too long - about 3 hours - but those 3 hours were painful and horrible. They think it could be my appendix, but nothing showed up on the MRI. The pain has calmed down muchly, but it's still there, and if it flares up bad again and/or worsens, then I have to go back ASAP, because sometimes, early stage appendicitis doesn't show up. Personally, I think a cyst ruptured or something, because my ovaries are filled with hateful things battling my eggs, which are actually each little personifications of the anti-christ. (It's the only explanation on how such a tiny, half celled, half human being THING that doesn't even possess a full chromosome, can cause me so much god damned pain and money. These bastards in me will NEVER be fertilized.)

So I got home, passed out after the double dose of perkosets kicked in, and woke up a bit later to lay on the tile floor and let the coolness chill out my body. Then I got bored when my parents left, took more pain killers, played with my make up, and did my hair, and took some pictures. I was trying to do the 50's "We Can Do It!" poster look, but a slight spin on's the pic (Only up for like, 24 hours! GET YO FILL!)


Now I'm sitting here feeling better, but still hurting, and harassing the hell out of my dog, wishing I felt good enough to go to the gym, because I'm BORED.

I need to go study, but adderall + oxy = terrible attention span and a confused energy level. My body doesn't know whether to be wired or wiped.


Also, down to 128.6. No exercise, just pure restricting. I love when things work.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Loss of a Blogger and Appetite

Day after a good restrict, it's harder.
I'm hungry, but I don't feel it. I feel the hunger in the way I want to eat, and how my attitude is all irritable. How hard it is to focus, and how thirsty I am. The way my neck and shoulders are all clenched.

I've done very well the past few days. But now I'm at the point where I don't really feel hungry anymore, but I need to eat. It's terrible. I have peanut butter in my backpack, for my lunch (a slice of low cal bread with 1tablespoon pb) and I keep wanting to reach for it. I have almonds and sunflower seeds stashed, also, and the vending machine is like...calling to me.

I can't screw this up, though. I've been stuck at 131, and this morning, I was 129.6. It's working, even though I haven't been able to hit up the gym. I'm losing. I have to keep losing.
One day at a time.

Just keep control. And keep going one day at a time.

The bigger picture. Every day a battle.

There is no tomorrow. There is no yesterday. There is only now, this moment, and what I do. There is only getting through this one second, without eating, and doing what I have to, to take care of my responsibilities.

I will do this.

And for those of you who know her, ShaSha/Lyla has deleted her blog and her profile. She recently made a commitment to go into recovery, and had been using her blog to document it, which surprised me, because so many of the posts of the rest of us (the people she follows) would be triggering for the disorder.
I got a note form her today saying she was taking it down, and she did.
So...I'm going to miss her a lot. And she's doing something very strong and incredibly admirable by working to get better.

Because there comes a point when we stop controlling the disorder, and it controls us.
Where it becomes life threatening, and destroys what little we have in our lives.
Where it starts doing irreperable damage to the body, and stops being an exercise in control, and becomes our Master, and we nothing but its victims.

I believe in allowing a person their right to have their disorders, and enjoy them if they so desire. Be it bipolar, depression, etc., so long as it doesn't interfere in extreme ways with your life, severely damage your health, or put you at mortal risk. It's a precarious ledge we all walk on, where only a simple gust of wind will knock us over the edge and into the abyss.

She was strong enough to know when she couldn't walk that anymore, and when she was too weak to keep herself from falling.
It takes strength to stay hungry, but after a certain point, it takes even more strength to say "enough", and to bow your head and ask for help.
I'm proud of her. And I hope the best, and hope that anyone else who feels like they need help, will be able to find it.
It takes true courage to choose to get better.

Stay strong. No matter what your definition of that word is.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Thinspo - Sowa, Frackowiak, Fiolka

Marcelina Sowa

Magdalena Fiolka

Magdalena Frackowiak

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Fuck this, Let's starve

I love my girls.

And by that, I mean you guys. I know there are some guys out there, but I tend to mostly get comments by/interact with mostly the girls, so it's just sort of what I call of you. Is that a bit too possessive?
Strangely, when I log on, and see my list of followers, and the list of people I'm following, I think, "What's going on with my girls?"
It's an odd possessive thing. Not in the "NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE THEM" but in the "I'm worried, and miss them," sort of thing. Like "My friends", only...a bit more protective? Does that make sense?

I've always had such a protective instinct over people. So it manifests itself. I don't do change myself for the better for the sake of myself, generally. I do it for others. I tend to do better when I change something about me in order to somehow benefit people I care about. It's not that I don't like me, but just that...there's more of a point to caring for others than yourself. Does that make sense?

And when i was scrolling through my comments, I saw one by Anonymous Blogger, who is amazing, and doesn't have a lot of followers, so you guys should go see her.
And it was one of those moments where someone says something that just...makes sense, you know? It clicks. It means something, and it makes something in you that was tight and tense and uncomfortable just...unwind. Like...instead of being a straw that breaks the camels back, it's the final pillar that helps keep up the house up.

She said, in short, that she had been in this downswing of depression before. And that she had eaten like I am, and that what helped her, was when she stopped. She stopped eating, and it made it better. And it was like...I think I needed to hear that. I think I needed someone to say, "Starve, and it will help", because I knew it, but part of me was saying, "But food makes me feel GOOD," so I was making excuses.
When I looked at her blog, she's made this commitment to a 23 day fast. I'm excited for her. I hope she can do it.

I hurt, today. I pulled something in my neck, and I'm paying for it now. My legs hurt from running and working, and my body aches from not eating anything, but you know what?
It's an amazing pain.
My head is hazy, and my limbs are heavy and light all at once, and all I can think is that, "This is what made me do it the first time. This is what I loved. This feeling I've grown to hate is something that I need to learn to worship again."

I can't spend my time looking at thinspo and pining. I need to spend my time working on my homework, and cracking down, and doing things that make me not eat.
This isn't about proving myself through my writing, or through my collection of pictures of skinny girls.
This is about proving myself through how much I lose. About finally being able to look in the mirror, and slip into those size zeroes, and think for the first time, "God...I look so skinny. I look so good."

This is about me.
This is about doing it, and pulling my life together.
I don't know if I want to be an example for anyone, because I don't want to encourage people to become this. This is, in essence, the first thing I've done with my own selfish desires in mind. Yes, people around me are inspired to get up and move, and make healthier choices, because when i do eat normal, as I have been for over a month now, my diet has switched from greasy foods to fruits and grains and vegetables and things that are good for you. I've maintained one weight, and I've done it right, so I'm fine in inspiring them in that.

But I want to do this for myself. I want to starve for ME. I want to be hungry, and lose, and get to 103, for ME. I want to do this in a way that's "wrong", and I want to suffer, and struggle, and I want to put myself through this hell.

Why would I do this?

Because for fucks sake, I have become a better person. Yes, I lie about what I eat, but I've become more honest in other things. This pain has led me to be something I'm proud of. It has brought to focus someone who's strong, and someone who can take control of her life and her emotions, and it's purifying. It's cleaning me of all the terrible things I've done, and the things that have been done to me. It's painfully scourging the filth of my past from my swollen limbs and bringing them back down to the bare bones and the essentials. It is freeing myself through this struggle. And yes, it's painful, and god yes, it's not healthy.
But I can be healthy, and happy, and I can maintain weight loss.

This isn't about that. This is so much more than that.
This is a fight that is symbolic. A fight to make ME worth something to myself. It's why I don't want people around me to know, and why I am so happy with nobody realizing it but you people - my girls. It's why I haven't told my shrink, and why I put up with the hurt it causes, and feel more focused and sharp when I do this.

This isn't my path to weight loss. This is my god damned path to redemption.
This is proving to ME that I can do something. This is how I realize I finally have planned to let go of the pain. To let go of my past.

To become something new.

To finally feel free to start my life.

And fuck me, but it's going to be a challenge.
But I have to do this.

Because it's time to move on, now. I refuse to be a slave any longer to a past I had no control over, when my future is entirely in my hands.

Getting on Track, one step at a time.

Diet hot cocoa. Best way to calm a craving when the sweets are calling.

25 calories. Throw in a little bit of cinnamon for that extra twist.... I'm currently sipping it, smirking at the left over Halloween candy bowl. I have defeated it. I win.

I'm at 768 calories today, if I count my glass of milk. I tend to let myself have 1 glass of milk that I don't count. Anything beyond that, I do. Because milk has the protein and Vitamin D and the other good stuff that make it so I don't get sick while restricting. If you don't count the milk, I'm at 678 calories. I did over 2 hours at the gym, and burned over 1000 on the cardio machines before going to do weights. All together, I'm at a pretty damn good calorie deficiency for the day.

Which is especially good, considering I pulled the muscles in my neck yesterday, and it's been sucking ever since.

I'm happy with how today's gone. Tomorrow is another story, and one I'll just have to work on when it comes. Just one day at a time, one step at a time. I can't think beyond that.
Just keep working. Just keep staying strong.

Stay hungry.