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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Why do I do this to myself?

First off: THANK YOU to all the new followers and all the congrats! I'll be catching up on all blogs and followers later, BUT, it's finals, so I'm going to be slow, and today...well...heed the rant XD

Ugh ugh ugh. I was doing SO WELL. Today when I woke up, I had lost so much, and then now? NOW? Now I can't stop stuffing my face.

I know it's because I didn't eat anything all day, and now I have a headache. Normally, I try to eat my majority of my calories when I first wake up, for breakfast. That way I have all the nutrients that I need to get going, I don't get a headache, and I don't binge later on.

I forgot to bring food for work. I literally didn't eat anything until I met up with my presentation partner for our bio class after like, 13 hours.

At iHop.

I managed to just get eggs and toast, but it came with hashbrowns. I didn't eat all o fthem, but I ate all of the eggs and both pieces of toast. Then I got to class, where our teacher brought some sort of Middle Eastern food (some fried thing with a weird meat mixture inside that was super spicy) and I had half of one of those, and four doritos chips, and three bites of cake (I gave it to the guy sitting next to me), but I swear to god I had to have had at least 800 or 900 calories and I am so scared to weigh myself tomorrow and my head hurts so bad.

I have to wait to go to bed because I need to pick up some migraine meds or else I'm going to be terrible at work and then review for math tomorrow.

And Friday night is the pride party. Which I don't even think I want to go to. I just feel terrible right now and can't believe I ate that much in such a short time.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I hate migraines. I want to curl up with some mineral ice and migraine meds and hide my eyes and just cry. I can't even see out of my right eye anymore. Why the fuck didn't I eat before work? I would have been fine with even some peanut butter and crackers.



Picture related: If I keep eating like a pig, I will never be this ^

Wednesday, April 29, 2009



I have no fucking clue HOW THE FUCK I managed this, but HOLY SHIT.

And I feel FATTER than before. I ate steak for dinner with an old friend (his breakfast--I work graveyards) at the park yesterday. It was filet (which is considered the highest protein/lowest fat ratio of steaks) and some potatoes. I managed to eat only part of it, but still felt so BLOATED after and I still DO. I didn't think I was going to lose ANYTHING yesterday but WEE. I WILL NOT ARGUE WITH THIS RESULT OHNO I WONT!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


I want to be perfect. Beautiful. More beautiful than her girlfriend. More beautiful than the cold bitch who turns away when K cries.

K's grandfather died. A month later, her mother went back to using drugs and then wound up in the ICU. For two weeks she was in a coma. K's mother finally woke up and is going to be okay, but less than a week later, her grandmother announced she had Leukemia, and wasn't getting help for it.

K's still in school--her second semester of her first year. She's 19. She's been with Girl for over 3 years.

Yesterday, K, who's the strongest person I know, who never cried once during her grandfather or mother, finally broke down. The pressure got to her. I was talking to her on line because I was at work and couldn't go over. she said her girlfriend was sitting next to her and ignoring her, and finally told K to, "Just get over it already."
Today, K's papers and computer charger got chewed up by her puppy. She started crying again. Yeah, most of them were on the computer, but some were outlined by free hand and nothing was salvageable. Her girlfriend told her to stop, because it "wasn't that bad". And when K told her she needed a hug, Girl told her that she couldn't even stand to be around her.

K is straight edge, like me. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking. Sometimes hookah. She's strong, and stable, and both us are pretty much a lot the same--femme girls who have a very masculine, take charge idea. "Power Lesbians" who like to make fun of stereotypical gays, who don't look gay, and are generally very even keeled.
Girl is an emotional wreck. She threatens suicide a lot, got arrested for pot and other drugs, is always complaining about something, and can't stand for other people to get attention over her.

I am in love with K. K likes me too. Girl treats her like shit, but K is young, and she needs to go through this. I was in a relationship that was abusive as well (including sexually in some instances, and it's all a long story) and I understand that sometimes you just need to shake it on your own.

But now Girl is posting all this "PITY ME" shit on her myspace.

I'm feeling so violent. So vindictive against Girl. I want to ruin her. I want to defeat her. I want to drive her to the brink and shove her over it.

But I can't do that.

All I can do is be skinnier than that bitch (and that's NOT hard to do).
All I can do is be prettier.
Be better.
And try so hard to not slaughter her in the process.

She's not just hurting my best friend. She's hurting the girl that I'm in love with. And I am so protective of the people I care about it's sickening.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Yesterday, I was at 173.8

Today, I'm at 172.6 ♥ ♥ ♥

I have two days to lose about two pounds. Then that will total 13 pounds this month, and if I can keep up that sort of weight loss, I will be ~105lb by September.

I'm hoping over summer to kick it up. I'm not able to go to the gym every day, currently, because of school. But since I'm taking summer off from classes, I'll be able to bust ass like I really want to. Ideally, I would like to lose a pound every two days, but I know that's not really realistic. Working out will cause muscle to form, etc., which will cause an inevitable plateau for a few days to a week (that will be terrifying).

What I AM going to do is take measurements on the last day of classes, and then measurements the day before classes start, as well as pictures, to show before and afters. My goal this summer is to go from whatever I am on May 9th (somewhere in the 160's) to about 110-120's by August.

It's going to be hard, but after writing out what I need to lose each month, I do think it's realistic.

Also, the 1st marks my one month anniversary of when I started restricting :3




I can't figure out how to delete shit on here XD

I completely shagged up my last post so I'm just writing this here instead.


Today I have eaten:
Part of slimfast muffin bar - 50 cal
OJ (1/3 cup) -36.6 cal
2/3 Soup at Hand - 46.4 cal
Apple - 80

Total so far: 213 calories :3

I...didn't really realize that I had eaten more than that XD I think this new medication is pretty lucky, because I don't realize I'm hungry or haven't eaten. I just need to make sure I don't get a total migraine today D:!

I'm up for another four hours or so though.

**End of Day**
So, I ate more.

Slimfast Muffin Bar (THINGS ARE ADDICTING) - 140 calories
2 grilled chicken drumsticks - 140 calories

All total:
493 Calories for the day.

Not bad. Not bad at all. I could have done less, honestly, but my migraines have been trying to come back. I wish I didn't get them. I don't think I would eat as much as I do if it weren't for those.

Sunday, April 26, 2009


So I got yelled at by my favorite teacher. I've been missing class a lot this semester. Partially because of ADD, partially because the calorie restriction this past month has caused migraines like none other. I'm trying to balance out my calories/in take to avoid them. But still, it makes me super depressed. I keep replaying it in my head.
Part of it is that I'm also now in the official aftershock of a migraine, as well as my first dose of my new meds wearing off. I'm jittery, and depressed, and half panicked. I'm thirsty too.

On a good note, I'm usually a pound more before bed than I was when I woke up, due to food/liquid, no matter how little it is.
I'm less than I was when I woke up.
I hope that sticks through into tomorrow.

I also worked on my essay. It's on anorexia, ironically enough. And I've learned some awesome shit about OCD and OCPD as relates to Anorexia. Primarily being that it's one of the major traits of people with ED's, especially Ana. I find that interesting.

When I get down into the next 10's on my weight, I'll post up to everyone what my weight is, and what I'm down from (maybe :3). I'm kind of embarassed right now, but others with my weight have been talking about what they're at.

Or...well fuck it.
Hi, my name is PrettyWreck. I started at near 200 pounds. I am currently at 173.2. I am hoping to be at 170 by April 30th. If I can achieve this, I will have lost a little over 13 pounds in one month.
I want to be 120 by the time fall classes start in late August/early September.
I want to be 103 by November.

Now you know my goals.


I'm going to go hide under a rock now.

I just realized that if I can lose 12 pounds a month (2 more pounds this month), then I will be in the 130's by July. Which would be AWESOME.

Thinspo Song--Post inspired by Savory & Sick

So, I decided I should post up some lyrics. I read Savory & Sick, and thought I should share one of my own songs that personally inspires me. There's actually TWO. Well, lots, probably XD But yeah.

This is the one I've been listening to fairly religiously lately. It's my personal perky thinspo song, I guess? Once I read the lyrics, I was like "EEE ♥ ♥ ♥" But I'm a loser XD

Flogging Molly - Us of Lesser Gods

Found at

Us of Lesser Gods
Flogging Molly

There's a breeze that's blowin' in from the land
Instead of salt air all we breathe in is sand
Crippled the cloud that once brought the rain
Good job now we'll never see our coasts again

But those of us, those of us
Us of lesser gods
Won't eat till we're hungry
Won't drink till we're parched
But those of us, those of us
Who forget where we're from
Create now this hell where no devil could spawn
Take me back, take me back
To the way life used to be

A whisper's now sayin'
What words used to speak
Starve must the child, hungry sex on tv
For no act of contrition
Will pardon the soul
The damage now glistens
See how it glows

But those of us, those of us
Us of lesser gods
Won't eat till we're hungry
Won't drink till we're parched
But those of us, those of us
Who forget where we're from
Create now this hell where no devil could spawn
Take me back, take me back
To the way life used to be

Yesterday is better that it is today
And today will be better than tomorrow they say
We don't want what you know
But we know what we want
That's live and let live
We're all different that counts

But those of us, those of us
Us of lesser gods
Won't eat till we're hungry
Won't drink till we're parched
But those of us, those of us
Who forget where we're from
Create now this hell where no devil could spawn
Take me back, take me back
To the way life used to be

Dark is the shallow man
Proud without pride
Worn out comes the welcome
From a truth that never lies
Weep now for the tear
Cold on the face
So come down from your heaven lord
Let me show you hell on earth
Take me back
To the way life's never been


On another note, I have officially lost 10 pounds so far since April 1st. I woke up with the most terrible low bloodsugar/potassium headache today, and I've been nursing it off with potassium supp. and some glucose tabs. I'm supposed to meet up with a friend for food, but I overslept, and I'm going to call him soon. Today is also my first day on my new ADD meds. Since I took them, I've been pretty fucking dizzy, so hopefully that'll pass soon. The pharmacist said that'll happen for the first few days D:

Also, I need a few songs, and I can't find them anywhere. If anyone has them, I would be eternally grateful.

I'm trying to complete my current thinspo playlist, so I can zip it and send it to skinny love (and anyone else who wants it), but I just need a few more songs.

And to anyone else who wants the songs, just let me know. I have AIM (specific for the ED community) and also an email specific for it too. I can email/transfer over IM to anyone who wants it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Breakfast: Slimfast (180 calories)
Lunch: Water
Dinner: 1 cinammon bagel with cream cheese, wheat thins, and rice cakes (150 calories)
Snack: Fake crab meat (40 calories)

Total: 370
Burned at the Gym: ~400

I think I did good today. I also went to the doctor and got prescribed a form of Ritalin. I'll post up the exact name of it later. He said one of the major side effects is weight loss (YAY!) and I was like, "It...won't be unhealthy, will it?" And he goes, "No, just don't abuse it."

I'm pleased.

I lost another pound when I weighed myself at the gym. Actually, about 1.2 pounds. Now if that holds over when I wake up? I will be so fucking happy. I NEED to lose five pounds by this upcoming Friday. And tonight (when I wake up) I'm getting steak with a friend. I try to have meals every few days, or at least something that's satisfying, so I avoid binges. (I'll eat 900 calories tops in a day, instead of 2000.) When I do have my meals, I make sure to do it with people present so they don't get suspicious.

But I'm worried about the steak. I told him my appetite has shrunk since I've been dieting, and that I'll probably only eat part of it. He seemed okay with that, and he's not the sort of person to generally question me anything. I think if I were straight, I would probably be in love with him :3

Still, I'll only eat a little bit, and I'll make sure to go to the gym afterward. And I'll stay as low as I can for the next week to get those pounds off ♥

Friday, April 24, 2009



I broke past my plateau. Not by a lot. But .8 pounds. So almost a full pound. I think I nearly collapsed XD I weighed myself no less than twelve times to make sure it didn't pop back up to the number it was at before. Today, I'm going to take it incredibly easy on the food, and try to stay around 500 calories, tops, to hopefully solidify this weight. I'm also still hurt, but I'm going to go to the gym anyway and see if I can get away with running or at least doing the bike or something, and then steam room, just to relax.

I have to be careful and actually eat SOMETHING before my appointment, though. I have a meeting with a psychiatrist to get my ADD meds, and I don't want him to realize that I'm doing this (that I have an ED? That I'm nearing an ED? That I'm undiagnosed ED?) because then I'll have to stop and I don't want to.

I am so spoiled.

So gay pride is in like, a week. I haven't bought my tickets for it, but one of the girls I go to school with says she's going to go with me. I don't know if I'm going to be to a happy weight by then. If I want to try, it means I now have to lose about five pounds. Happy weight being that I'll weigh almost thirty pounds less than I did at last years pride. I don't know how comfortable I'll be.

I don't think most straight girls get PRIDE. There's a certain...

...well, when a guy looks a million times hotter than you in a skirt, and his words "Sweetie, you would look so good if you dropped some weight!" as he gives you that look, then you know.

You just know. Boys should not make a hotter girl than I am. Except traps. Traps who like girls.

Traps confuse my sexuality o.o

I'm sure you all needed to know that, btw XD

I'm terrified of tomorrow.
But I have had a good feeling most of the day. That I'll finally do it. I'll break that plateau.


Here's to hoping it happens when I wake up O.O

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Warning: There be hot psychobilly Thinspo ahead.

Kay. Another post. sorry everyone, lol.

When I was in high school (I KNOW RIGHT? I'M SO OLD), like, second year to be precise, I was on wellbutrin. I used to pop it like candy, because it made me pass out, and made me not eat. I loved it. I don't know why I liked passing out. But it made me feel good I know, that's strange, right?

Not too long after I stopped that, after I had stopped eating (when I got caught and yeah) I got on drugs.

Hard drugs too. Not like pot. But like the shit that fucks you up for life. I have some permanent side effects of it. I gained back the full 80 or so pounds I lost on it. I've gone back and forth with EDs since then, and I gained back all the weight I ever lost.

I'm...really sick of thinking about my weight. Of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.

I just sort of want the world to stop right now, you know? I just want a few moments to close my eyes and breathe, and sleep, and sleep.

I can't believe how tired I am. Is this normal?

I keep thinking if I can get the scale to move down, to just get past the latest 10's mark, to get out of this weight. I just want to like looking at myself in the mirror, and get out of this number, then I'll be okay, and I'll be invigorated again.

I keep thinking when school gets out, I can just...focus on the gym. On running, and losing weight, and getting to a point where I'm not embarassed at myself anymore. I'll have my ADD meds, and I'll be exercising, and I won't be as stressed, and I'll be ready for the new semester.

That's all I want.

I also keep thinking if I lose weight I'll fix this all somehow. I've been single for five years. I mean, yeah, I've gone on dates with girls, but most of the girls that like bigger girls are "Butch", or the men in the relationship. Now, let me explain something--with lesbians, there's not always that "One is top, the other bottoms" sort of thing, but I'm traditional. I am sexist.

I want a house wife. I want a pretty little thing who's damn smart, who cooks dinner, who cleans, who I can support and take care of, buy things for...I want to be the "man". If I wanted something that looks like it should have a penis, I would go for something with a penis. I like femme girls, pretty girls. Girls who I would have to fight for mirror space for, who I would get confused and go "Honey, is this your MAC, or mine?" and who I could kiss her painted nails and look at her and have NO DOUBT that it's a woman. I like girls with long hair and sloping shoulders and round breasts and hips that you can just BITE. I like girls who are, while I'm this weight, completely out of my league.

I need to be able to look in the mirror and say "Yeah, I'd fuck me," before I inflict myself on anyone else.

I haven't been there in so long.

This all just sucks.

I need a girlfriend. But I need to be hot enough to score a hot girlfriend first. And it doesn't help that the one person I am REALLY FUCKING INTO has a girlfriend already O.o I mean, srsly, FAIL YO.

Done now, hopefully for the night :D

EDIT: I just was playing with my uniform belt. WHen I first got it, I could barely get to the third notch. I just got the seventh, and it's still a little loose (like I like my belts). I guess that makes up for it. If I'm not losing pounds, I could definitely do with losing inches. But now I need a new belt D:

and now, for some rockabilly/psychobilly thinspo by the most beautiful woman known EVER, CeCe LaRue!

I can't get it off I can't get it off I can't get it off I can't get it offffff

Five days now the scale hasn't MOVED. Sure, one of those days was a bad day, but I have been eating fairly well (or not eating, whatever). I had FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES YESTERDAY. That might seem like a lot to some, but I'm awake from 8pm to 2pm (I work overnight, and then class) and that's a LONG TIME to stretch that many calories when I'm still fairly new to this (or consider myself to be, I started April 1).

UGH. I've been exercising, but with my shoulder and knee all shagged to hell and back, that's going to be harder, and I was supposed to lose five or six pounds by May 2nd and I don't think that's going to happen now.

I feel like it's never going to come off. I feel like I'm STUCK here and I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I feel like if I cut anything else out I'll be living on NOTHING.


I'm HUNGRY too and I'm sick of being hungry.

Anyway, enough ranty face. I promised pictures of a puppy to someone else, SO!

Sorry if it's mega huge on click. She looks better in my hats than I do D: XD


"So you ran a mile, and then used weights."
"...what sort of bra were you wearing?"
"Excuse me?"
"What sort of bra were you wearing?"
"A sports bra."
"How many sports bras?"
"...there's your problem."

Apparently, I fucked my back up something fierce. And the reason my shoulder gave out in the middle of weights isn't because my personal trainer was as fag (sorry if I just offended anyone), but because my BREASTS HATE ME.

Now, I'm "lucky". I have triple D breasts. When I was at my smallest, when my hipbones actually stuck out, I was still a D.

This means I have to wear three bras now when I run. Because my massive fat on my chest has decided to try and KILL ME.

On another note, I got off work tonight. I switched days with another girl (I'm a supervisor D:), but I don't remember calling in. I got some awesome drugs that wiped my ass out, and my boss messaged me to let me know I had it off, because he said I told him to, and that I was "more fucked up than 13yo lush". I love my boss sometimes. I do have a doctors note, if I can just find it.

Yesterday was a SUCK day, but delicious none the less. I ate way too much thanks to all the drugs they gave me. I don't even want to consider the calories. I'm STILL at the same weight I've been for DAYS and I want to hit something. But I'll refrain. I'm trying to be good today. I'm just so hungry. I think that like, bad days do that. They make you hungry the next day too.

Skinny Love posted up reverse thinspo. It made me wanna be sick.

Oh, I also woke up with permanent marker writing all over my body, that I don't remember doing (Ambien and Demarol apparently equals AWESOME). On my stomach is "Ana says eat less" and on my legs are "Control" and on my feet are "EAT LESS" so I see it when I look down at the scale. I was like "Well, if this isn't a little strange."

What's worse, is that the handwriting is really bad (has anyone ever tried to write on ambien?) so it actually likes like "4na says earmess".

I was like "What?"

I really need to put away my permanent markers before taking my sleeping pills.

I made a playlist. If anyone has more songs that work, lemme know :3 They're all on my thinspo playlist on my ipod.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Skinny Love: Have you ever heard of Manchester Orchestra? I was listening to songs from their new Album, and watching one of the videos, and one reminded me of you. You had put up a post that you deleted (I believe), and I saw part of it. But yeah, it's called "The Only One" by Manchester Orchestra.


margeurite: Thank you for your words. Your support makes me happy--I know it should seem like a lot, but it doesn't feel like it. I know if it were someone else, I would be happy for them, but we all tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else is. It's part of living in our own heads.


So tomorrow I go to the doctor instead of class. I'm going to visit my math teacher on Wednesday with a note and tell her that I pulled my arm before I actually did it, so I can get an extension on our latest quiz. By Saturday I should have a script for my ADD meds, but I think my last swing is coming down a bit. I'm feeling more focused, and was able to actually write a paper yesterday without going nuts from a need for distraction. I've also laid heavily off the caffeinne, though, so that could have something to do with it.

Today is, for food, not a good day. I put the scale away, and I had Taco Bell. It was part of a way of keeping up appearances, I guess. One of the guys on the shift before mine made a joke about not seeing me eat, ever (we see each other sometimes during the day, and I no longer have food while waiting for class to start, or come into work with breakfast), and that I've lost a lot of weight and have probably "gone to the anorexics". So I brought in Taco Bell and ate two soft tacos. The calories in those things are killer, so I'm not eating anything else, but I needed to do it, because jokes become suspicion soon enough. So I'm going to try to make sure they all see me eating at some point--even if it's nothing big, but like grapes or crackers.

I'm not letting myself be angry at me for it. I was super depressed from it earlier. I also felt sick as a dog. It's been forever since I've eaten that much food in one sitting. I almost threw up just from the weight of it in my stomach.

I found some cool songs though. I'll make some ring tones out of them and post up links for anyone interested, probably some time this weekend :3 If I can find a good place to host them, I mean.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I'm sorry to everyone who actually reads this for posting so much. I just need to unload.

I was doing good good good today. I started off with a piece of bread and a slimfast. I didn't have anything else but half a thing of soup at hand. So I was at 300 calories, and I didn't eat ANYTHING else. I went to the gym, I worked HARD. I got to 500 calories burned off, and then di did weights. One of the personal trainers there was showing me how to do something and kept increasing the weights and I TOLD THEM it was too much and then something RIPPED in my shoulder and now I can't move my head.
I came home and my dad gave me a pain patch. I took an oxy, and my stomach hurt so bad that I ate. I ate and ate. I've eaten now 800 calories, and I don't like counting the gym as negative, and I feel terrible. I keep wanting MORE because pain pills always make me hungry,a nd this is how I GOT FAT to begin with--because of pain pills.

I've got stashed Lunesta. It makes everything taste bitter as can be. I'm going to take that and pass out, because then everything will taste too horrible tomorrow to eat.

I need to start putting more chipper stuff in here. I'm the joker outside of the internet. It's my jo to make people laugh. It's weird actually just spending time bitching.

I gave in and purged. Apparently, I dont' like my teeth that much D:


Two drums and symbol fall off of a cliff.
"Ba-dum, CHSHH!"
(That's the sound of them falling, as well as the classic sound of a punchline drum thing. It's much better when said out loud. Especially when two drunk guys are trying to tell you it and keep botching it. Anyway.)

I have lost 9 pounds in 20 days.

I guess that's supposed to be fast. It doesn't feel fast. Not when every ounce is a struggle. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm looking through my pen and ink book describing everything, and it's amazing how abusive I can be toward myself. I'm normally a happy person, but since this...THING has taken over my head, I can't be happy. I don't like it.

I know I should change it, but I keep saying, "Justa little more. It's worth it for now."

I have two weeks to lose 5 pounds. I want to be close to my last "low weight" for pride festival. Because it'll mean that I'll have lost 30 pounds between last pride and this one. And it's not a lot of weight to have lost, considering how much I need to. I don't even want to say it here, because it's so far removed from what other people have.

I need to pull up Pandora and listen to music.

Monday, April 20, 2009

So Said Ana To Me

I see her face in the form of my belly
an aching entity spelling out EDNOS with her jagged teeth.
She writhes and twists inside of me--
--a burning fire, contracting, flaming--
--obscured by pains of hunger and this
living demon growing in me I--

--hear her name.
My strange pregnancy
so titled "Ana."

She is...
Skillful and quiet.
Thin and sublime and when she
emerges from my mouth in my hunger hallucinations
she feels like bones and perfection slipping out of me.
She is a skeleton
and barely taped on flesh.
Fingers linger, long and spindly--demonic and terrifying
and everything I
but secretly so wish I could be.
When she opens her mouth to speak there are no words--
--the hunger has turned her tongue to dust.
Her flesh is as brittle as dry leaves,
her body as morbidly beautiful
as a decaying sun.

Hanging from my open mouth she clasps her palms
like razor sharp scales of a fish's back tight
over my eyes and says without a voice--
with only the rustling leaves of her skin for sound...
"Feed on me.
Feed on my dust and leaves and my
Feed on me,
and I will make you complete."
So said Ana to Me.


I can't believe how depressed how I am.

I'm doing a 32 page term paper for my psych class on Anorexia. INORITE? It's due wednesday, and I one done.

I'm ditching my math class. I can't focus, or think. All I can think about is that I ate. I can't do anything else other than lay here, or get up and exercise. I thought I was supposed to be taking control of my life, not losing it.

I'm tempted to call my psych office and tell them I'm in crisis. I ate, and almost purged (but refrained--I like my teeth kthnx), but I don't want my shrink to know that. All I want is my ADD medicine. I've been on a bender for days now. My attention is span is so much shit it's not even funny. It's painful just to write entries.

I'm starved. I think I thwarted a full out binge by eating half a grilled cheese sandwich. I feel disgusting, though.

I could feel that craving coming on, though, and decided to do it now, while I had control, rather than waiting until i was about to fall apart.

I can't bring myself to go to class.

I'm tempted to just take two ambien and go to bed. I know my head will hate me for it tonight, but what the fuck, yo. It's better than sitting here thinking about how much of a fucking failure I feel like.


I don't know. I feel like--and I hate to say this--a poser. In everything. I feel fake. I feel like I don't belong, even though I've been reading through so many blogs, wanting to reach out. I feel like I'm waiting to be slapped down, by my own mind and by everyone around me, and I know I shouldn't feel like that. I'm just sick of feeling alone. Feeling like I'm nothing.

I don't want to be nothing anymore.

I really, really don't.

I don't want to be just my weight. I don't want to be just that fat bitch. I don't want to fail, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to feel.

And it would sure be damn nice if my fucking keyboard stopped being broken.

Pictures related^
I wanna be that.

Picture related
This is what I feel like
Without the drunk or microphone. v

Sunday, April 19, 2009


(PICTURE RELATED. Body mod thinspo = love)

So my friends mod an rp community for Harry Potter. Yes, my geekiness extends this far. I mod one too, but it's not open yet :3 I'm listening to them get angry over some stuff, and I remember the last game I was in charge of, and I'm so grateful I'm not doing that right now. At least until school is over.

I'm also not doing my homework right now, which is very, very bad. I need to get off my ass and do it, but I can't focus for shit. I need to get my meds back for the ADD.

I work overnights, so my "day" is just starting. It's been kind of rough. I had a bite of a cinammon bagel with cream cheese and threw the rest out. I've hada piece of bread with butter (75 calories) and a slimfast.

So far, I've had over 200 calories, and this is just the beginning of the day.

An early mini-binge, but I think it's because I've had a headache since I woke up.

On a good note, I've lost like, 2 pounds in a day. I had better have lost something, though. I worked hard at the gym yesterday and had an overall nice deficit, I think. I think I ate about 600 calories yesterday and burned about 700? Not a big one, but it was what I needed to push past the plateau I was stuck at for a few days.

I even refrained from having anything but orange juice at the giant family breakfast they had.

I'm very proud of myself. Would be MORE proud if I hadn't eaten so much already.


HEED THE BREADHEAD. Think of this the next time you try to nom.


This is my first post.

I guess I don't know what to say. I have no idea how to use Blogger. I'm an ex addict who's striving to lose weight and cut down on my calories. I'm a lesbian, unlike most in the ED community.

Yes, that's right.

I like women.

Oddly enough, I tend to like chubby girls, but I can't stand being one myself. GO FIGURE RIGHT?

I wouldn't consider myself ana or mia. I purge sometimes. I try to stay under a certain caloric amount. But I'm educated. I don't want to destroy my body--I want to lose weight. I want control, of my weight and of my life. I do it through severe restriction. My average day consists of 400- 700 calories, and lots of vitamins and electrolyte and potassium supplements.

I'm a biology major, 22 years old, and weigh way too much. I have ADD and am currently umedicated, though hopefully not for long. I'm also chronically single.

And that's all I can think of right now.

I've lost about 21 pounds. I still have a lot more to go. I consider this (my restriction) my dirty secret. I keep wanting to tell someone, but I don't know how.

I make ringtones and other thinspo things :3 My current ringtone is "Me and Mia". If anyone would like me to make some for them, just tell me the song and the basic parts you want cropped, and I'll do it!