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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I was once a Tomboy, but now....

"I was once a tomboy. Now I'm a full grown lesbian."

Perhaps it's fair that I revere this "Ana". I have, as it has been often said, a taste for women who are not always the best for me. Absent of a true partner in this realm, I make one up who claws it's way from the center of my being, and wish to immerse myself so completely in this unattainable perfection that I become blind until I see.

What a contradiction.

There is one sight. One mind. I have lost view of this world and leveled it upon another. A higher goal. A loftier aim. In the process, I thought I lost myself, but in fact, I have discovered me, and I find that no matter my name or label, the definition of self remains the same.

Time has passed. This I can readily admit. I abandoned, for a few days, this quest for hunger, but with cause. There is fear, when you cannot move. Fear, when all you feel is pain. My body has rebelled and I daresay I am the victor. Emotions of mind, and body, and rage and ailments...feelings and sensations....these are things we desire to control. To grasp. I tell myself, "I will not love her," and to do so, I must find another target for my wants to replace her. So I have. The process is slow, but all things are, that are the worth it in the end.

I tell myself, "I will not feel pain", and it does not work quite as well. So instead, I say, "I will overcome it, and I will move on." And so I do.

I'm still sick. But it has peaked. Three months without a feminine cycle until my insides rebelled and screamed and forced the process to begin. My ovaries knotted, my nerves were pinched. I grew dizzy and weak and slept for days. And now it started. It hurts to bleed, like I don't think it was intended. Or perhaps this is the price we pay for being what we are - for being women. Not because we tempted adam with the apple (as I believe not in Adam, nor the apple, nor do I have the absence of sense to believe a story about a talking Snake), but because we possess breasts, and faces, and the things men need, and a smart woman knows that no matter her looks, it is she who controls the world. It is she who has whispered through out history in the ears of men and led countries and wars behind the living guise of a male body. Paternal-based religions, debunking the long held "mother goddess" of ancient days arose as man's attempt to shake themselves of womans wiles and bonds. They burned us, they opressed us, they tried to controlled us, but in the end we prevail. In the end our legs and eyes and lilting words and smaller hands and bitten lips become their downfall. They struggle to unwind from the web that woman has weaved, and find themselves infinitely more knotted, until they can no longer breathe....

Homosexuality, of course, is different, but we will not speculate on that here.

My head hurts. I'm afraid to eat, because my body is numb but hungry, and the pain is just a thrum. If I eat, I fear I will forget that numbness, and the pulsing will resume, and with a reason for my blood to pump so too will the muscles constrict and my eyes will go blind again and my stomach will kick back up all I have consumed. But this will pass, as everything does. A day or two, and I will be normal again. I will have had this time that all women suffer, and I will be free for a few more months, until I become sick again from this strange anatomy inside of me.

Liberation of thought. Of religion. Of labels and sexuality.
Liberation of body - the reduction of fat, the increase of strength, the heightened mobility and grace of movement.
I idolize ballerinas for they seem to have no ties to the limitations the average body places upon them. They move, free from gravity, free from bones and tendons. Free from reason.
Perfect emancipation gained through perfect discipline.

The ability to fly comes not from acting without regard, but from constant training.
You cannot make it to the sky if your wings have never been spread.

Which is funny. I was speaking with a girl who is complete opposite from me - in body, at least. She is wiry and all that I wish, and I am full and all that she wants. But we both think of rage when we think of motion.
We need impact when we run or climb. When we jump or work out. She climbs mountains and walls and cliff sides, and is not satisfied until she has jumped from hand hold to hand hold, and pulled herself up by the brute force of a single limb demanding absolute success.

I am a fighter, a jumper, a beginner parkour runner. When I first started learning, and when I feel light enough to leap, I am not pleased until I, in my jump-to jump-to jump from place to place, feel the impact of a fall beneath me as it scratches up my skin and jerks my joints, and I am forced to start again.

There must be sensation with each move. From the heel of the toe to the top of the head. Violence in each push of the body with the physical practice. I envy ballerinas their peace.
Every day I fight a war within myself. Every moment at the gym I am shadow boxing my reflection, and I think I have become too addicted to the bruises to lay down my gloves.

And thus ends my migraine induced ramble.
Thank you for suffering this moment of pain beside me.
And thank you for the support you all gave me when this began.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Song of Apology For Ana

Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You

Found at bee mp3 search engine

Best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

Ohh, but hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find


To Ana.
One true love, one true story.
One singular strength.
Tonight we start again.

I'll see you all then.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

When it rains, it god damn pours....

I'm not going to feel bad for what I said to you.
You KNOW that I love you. You know that.
Does she?
Everytime we talk, she gets angry. She tells you to stop. And you listen. I don't care how you feel about me. I want my god damned friend back.

I'm not going to feel bad for what I said to you. Because you made me cry. You have that power over me.
I'm fucking dying inside. I'm stuck on this stupid weight thing, and I'm alone, and I had you back for one day in months, and she made you stop talking to me, and you get pissed over one snide remark I make?

Fuck this. Fuck this all.
You've told me before that I'm not going to lose you. That if you were with me, you'd treat me the way I wanted, and even as a friend, you'd treat me with respect, which is all I have ever asked of you. You know my history, you know how bad I can be when I don't just get told, even every ffew days, a message of "I haven't forgotten you". That's all I need. That's it. Not even a conversation. Just a reminder that I'm not forgotten, and you promised you would do that, because you knew how I felt and I get nothing, because SHE won't let you.

SHE, the girl who fucking left you crying alone on a couch when your mom went into a coma and told you to get the fuck over it. She, who throws tantrums when your loved ones are dying, or gets herself arrested for drugs, and you, who goes to her no matter what.

And you listen to her, over me, the person who's been there. Who's walked out of work for you, who hasn't slept for you, who would do anything for you.

You told me I wasn't going to ever lose you.
But even if that's the case, it doesn't matter anymore.

Because you just lost me.

I'm not going to love you anymore, now. I'm sorry. But this isn't worth it to me now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm going to be gone for a bit

So, I mentioned a few posts back that I have health problems. One that can get pretty bad, and can even do some major damage if left unattended.

Well...I've been having symptoms of one lately, but since we don't know what triggers it, how to treat it, and what it really is, it can't really be helped. But what it is...

I have bad ovaries. Really bad. Like, I don't have periods for months at a time, and then it lasts for a full four weeks. Last year, I was laid up for over six months when my ovaries decided to suddenly twist into knots and announced they also had cysts on both sides. The only real treatment is complete removal, but since i"m so young, no one will do it on me. Fuck them. Fuck them in the ass.

Today I got a bad pain in my hip. I get them sometimes, so I dismissed it. I've been tired and melancholy lately. Sick and shaky. Nightmares, the whole nine yards.

I figure it's allergies, cold, or just psychosomatic. Well today I went to the gym, because I always feel better after the gym. While there, I started to feel strange on one of the machines. Everything smelled really strong, and my face felt weird. Then my hands went numb, and my stomach did. And I knew I had to get out of there.
I ran to the lockers and grabbed my shit. Barely made it out of the door before I collapsed.

Thankfully I was not unconscience. My ovaries chose that moment to twist into a knot. Literally. They can do that. I now have a lump hard as rock under my left hip, and I can't fully stand up straight. I wound up curled on the ground outside of the gym and barely managed to convince the security guard not to call the paramedics, because they don't ever do any damn good. I made it home, tried to get some orange to eat, and my legs gave out again and I was on the kitchen floor for a good twenty minutes before I could move. Then I went to my room, curled up, and now it's wound up causing spasms which are pinching a nerve and it's all just fucking fantastic.

I'm really hoping this is my period and it'll go away in a week, because I can't inhale without going to actual seizure like spasms from muscles clamping up along my spine, and I can't stand up either. And I'm not doing this again. I will scoop out my female bits with a god damned spoon if I have to but I am NOT doing this again.

So yeah. My mood and everything is just bad hormones, which have decided to destroy my body.

So I'm off to go suck on some oxy, and I'll probably not be around for a while. At least until I can breathe without wanting to cry. If anything huge happens, I'll post it up and let you guys know. Until then, I'm sorry, and I hope you guys can forgive me for sucking ♥
"How far are we gonna take this, da?"
"The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far is as needed?"
-Boondock Saints

I finally watched the end of the movie, and that line has stuck in my head. And I think it can be applied to this. To what we do. Strange, how easily picking out false meaning in things can be.
Everything is interpretation. When removed from context, a friendly hello can turn into a fuck you.

I gained a pound. Yesterday, I ate less than 500 calories. I gained a pound. I didn't work out. I've been sick. Not sure what's wrong with me, but the nightmares and the tremors are getting worse. I want to eat, but it's hard to eat. I'm thinking it's water weight, or maybe just body storing shit, and it'll drop off tomorrow or something. Whatever. I think part of this "I don't feel good" is my mind fucking with me. Physical manifestations of emotions. It happens, when I lose a certain amount of weight. I always get ill, and it's my excuse to give up and gain it back. Not going to do that this time.

Anyway, I'm going to go work on some graphics and see if I can't find another movie to watch. Just not feeling human interaction right now.

I'll try replying to people later.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Okay. I've been meaning to address some things and I keep forgetting.

•About replying back to blogs: Those of you who I've been following know that I generally reply to everything I see, and do it daily. I'm going to be slower for the next few days. I'm reading what I can, but I keep forgetting to reply, or just can't think of words. I'm sick, or something, so it's hard to get my head clear.

•Daisy: Is there any way you can make a new blog that boy won't see?

•Someone asked about Ibuprofen, and if it makes you bloated - I've never had this problem. My biggest problem is actually with excedrin, because caffeine can do it to me, but I think it depends on your system and how it handles the pain killers.

•In regards to the challenge: All names are listed on the left hand side. If you're participating, please check to make sure your name is there, and that you're linked to correctly (it goes directly to all profile pages :3). I do miss people on accident, but I think I have everyone up now! that's out of the way.

This morning I was at 160.8. I'm surprised I lost anything at all. I ate so MUCH yesterday.
But I've been sick. Or at least...I hope it's sick, and not just my body. Lack of sleep, bad tremors, freezing cold but no fever to speak of. Exhausted but riddled with nightmares everytime I close my eyes. I've even picked up my in take a little to make sure it's not blood sugar or something, but I think it's just hormones and the migraine I just got over. I mean, the aura for that headache was a good two days long, so the aftershocks will probably take just as much time to wear off.

Ugh, anyway. I'm sleepy and sort of out of it, so...I'm at work, and I'm going to curl up with a book and try not to fall asleep.
No gym today. I think I'm just going to wait for the sick to wear off. I'll go back on Tuesday, methinks. So today I have to eat relatively light so as to not like...explode with weight. But I'm going to take a whole ambien around 8 and hopefully be to sleep about's taking me longer than normal to fall asleep, but when i do, I think I'll crash out for a good long while.

I need it.

SC 2009 - Challenge Question 2

Last weeks questions (HOLY SHIT A LEPRECHAUN!) one had some interesting results. The file I was tallying the responses under got shagged when my comp decided to eat itself, so I only know the gist of the responses.

The results were surprisingly, mostly, even. There were a few more people who chose A (being the perfect weight) than B (having an ulimited amount of money).
The gist of A replies were that money didn't matter as much as weight did, and people would feel more empowered if they were the weight they wanted.

The gist of B was that you could hire a personal trainer, not work, and just spend all your time focusing on weight.

This week, there are TWO Questions this week. PLEASE READ THIS. IT IS VERY SIMPLE.

ONE is on the left hand side of my page, and it's a poll! Please answer only once. The poll will show you the different results after you have answered, and I will post a summary when the week is over. YOU CAN EXPAND ON YOUR ANSWER IN THIS ENTRY.
The second is a longer question and is listed below in this entry, designed to make you think, and should be answered in a comment, or in your own blog.

All Poll questions from now on will be on the left hand side, under the listing of names for participants in the challenge, and longer questions will be posted on one of my entries. (Sorry if the poll is a bit basic. I'm just learning how to do them :3)

The long question is:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?
My answer is....

Things I have noticed since losing weight/restricting:
•I feel as if I am stripping the flesh from my body. Inch by inch, ounce by ounce, I fight the weight that hangs heavy from my bones to bare the woman beneath. But what I never knew - what they don't tell you - is that as you peel back the layers over your skin, so you peel back the very cover to your soul. My heart and mind have come sharper into focus. I feel in ways I didn't before. There are parts of me I have forgotten, and depths of my soul that have long lay at rest. These areas awaken with the strain I put on my body, coming to life with frowns and curious glances, and as I push myself in the gym, so too do I push myself back into the shining day. There are bits of my personality and past that I have avoided, and suddenly, in this quest for personal fulfillment, I am finally comfortably welcoming back into the fold of me. I am finally comfortable being me.
•I am, quite suddenly, due to this reawakening of self...quite uncertain who "me" is. It is a terrifying quest, but I feel as I imagine the caterpillar must while in the cocoon. I don't know what I will look like when this endeavor is over, but I know that I will not be who I am now, and it is up to me to make sure that is a good thing.
•Food has never tasted so good. I spend my days eating what I must to live. My phrase, out of all of them, that spurs me on, is "eat to live, don't live to eat" and I abide by that. Because of it, taste has gone to the wayside. I take in what I must and no more. But periodically, I allow myself breaks. A cupcake, sometimes some eggs. I can do it without going over my limit if I stay in control, and before this, I never really paid attention to food. I knew it tasted good, but I didn't know. I never noticed the texture of warm toast, or the way frosting melts on your tongue. I never felt a happiness that lasted for days off of treating myself to something so rare as a cookie, and managing to still stay under my calorie limit. I never before paid attention to the feel of crumbs on the lips when biting into a warm roll, or the subtle crunch of red pepper spices. I eat less, but I taste more. I get full on more. I appreciate more. I am satisfied off of one piece of warm french bread than others are off of five. I eat to live, and in doing so, I have found such a balance. I know that if I ate more than I do, I wouldn't enjoy my treats this much, and that if I didn't enjoy my treats, then there would be no more purpose in eating them. So instead of making me reach for more, it encourages me to stay where I am.
When I had a cupcake, I was happy for days about it. About the control I had when eating it, that I didn't eat MORE than one, and bout the way it tasted. So rare, so fresh, and such a treat. And it never tasted like that before. And I think that's how it should be always. It should be so rare, and so unique, that it makes you feel for days like you just rewarded yourself something grand.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I keep wanting to write something.
I start.
And it gets really long.

And it says more about me than I want to. So I keep deleting it, and everytime I type on here, it keeps coming out, and it gets longer and longer each time, until I'm too tired to write.

I'm at 161.2.

It feels damn nice.

I'll try to write again when I come home. See if I can't get this demon out of my head, without spilling my life story to everyone. Because it feels like, as I strip the pounds off my body, so too am I stripping the protection off over my soul.
And I know before migraines, I get really rage filled.
And after them, I get either super depressed, or super thoughtful and sort of melancholy.

And right now, I don't know how I feel.

Starved for human interaction?
It's hard working graveyards, when all your friends are asleep.

I think I'll come home after the gym and work my novel.
Back to a world that's not quite as quiet as this.

Face Stabbing, and prayers to the Cow God

The infomercial I'm watching says "Eat more, exercise less!"
I want to stab it in the face.

I was 162 today. Exactly. I hope to be in 161 area tomorrow, but I don't know if that will work. Graaaaaah

I have never wanted to binge so badly in my life. I've got a migraine coming on. I just took an excedrine, I'm downing salt, and I'm eating. But I feel like my body is clenching and starved. My knees and legs hurt, my arms hurt, and my neck is starting to spasm. I'm worried I don't have enough salt. I'm one of those lucky people who have a natural deficit in my body, which means while most people need like...a tops of 2000mg? I'm safest at around 4000mg or higher, and start getting sick at 8k+. Instead of hypertensive, I get hypotension. My normal BP is like, 110/60 or lower (which is actually okay for my height) but when I get low on salt while my heart beat gets wonky, I drop to real dangerous lows and yeah. So stomach aches, cramps, body aches, and many headaches? Can often be fixed by breaking open a box of kosher salt/sea salt and just eating the shit straight.

I'm late with eating today. I have three "meals" a day. I stay around 600 or less a day, right? Because I do have actual god given health problems that will wipe me out if I go to less, and could actually fucking kill me if I tried to fast for longer than a day (seizures, coma, etc.--gotta fucking love genetics). But yeah. A lot of my problems are related to my weight, I'm convinced. I think when I get it down, most should get better, and at least if they don't, I'll be skinny enough for my problems to be considered beautiful on me, in that fragile sort of way. Right now it's just the issues of a cow.

Anyway, was late with getting "lunch". I had a good breakfast, and I managed to refrain. My parents made fucking BURGERS while I was asleep (I sleep during the day thanks to work) and I dreamt about them. Woke up and the only thing that stopped me from cooking was that the pans were still dirty and submerged in cold sink water, which had a top layer of grease. I told myself that if I was going to make one, I had to dip my tongue in the sink water and lick up a good, long line of that shit. Instead, I made myself something that was around 260 cals. Went shopping, came home, and had a late lunch, and because I'm so hungry lately, my body is like...attacking itself. I was shaky and angry and my muscles were all twitchy, and they still are, and it SUCKS.

And I know I have a binge coming on. I can feel it. Like, I can feel it down to my bones--this urge to eat, and eat, and eat. And it's not like a craving. It's like a driving force inside of me that is almost as strong as the urge to BREATHE. So I'm trying to get it under control now. Today, I've upped my normal intake from 500-600 cal, up to 750. I'm hoping that with that extra leeway, I can fit in enough snacks to make it feel like I'm being bad, curb the binge urge, and be okay. If not, I'm so scared I won't make it out of the 160's by the 21st (which is the end of week 3, and when I have my 159~ goal to meet).
So I'm going to go up to 750 today, or at least have that option open to me, to stop myself from binging.

On a good note--I have a shirt I haven't been able to wear for a few years. It's baggy enough to not show the still ugly backfat, but tight enough to cling to my curves. I wore that, with some nice brown slacks when I went out shopping...I'm used to heading out in baggy pants and XL-XXL men's shirts that reach like, middle of the thighs and hide me completely XD

And I got WHISTLED at.
I haven't been whistled at in FOREVER!

Also...while out shopping, I was picking up soups, and someone, I guess, saw all the shit in my cart, right? And they were like, "Trying to lose weight?" And I told her, of course, yes. So she goes, "You shouldn't get that soup. Look at the salt content! If you want to lose weight and be healthy, that stuff is TERRIBLE! Almost 600mg!"
So I told her the higher the better for me, because of my salt deficit. Told her how much I generally tend to need...
And she gave me this look.

This look like I had just pissed on her Pradas, or sodomized a litter of kittens and burned a puppy alive. Like I had just raped her rainbow, and she says in this irritated voice, "I used to make excuses too," and stormed away.
And I called out after her, "Heifer, please. If I was interested in the opinions of a bovine, I'd be meditating in the meat isle."

Then the Walmart clerks yelled at us and told us to stay away from each other or they'd call security XD That's when you know a trip to Walmart was worthwhile-when you get threatened with security, and/or escorted out by them.

Anyway, done now XD
Gonna go take another excedrin and eat a little more salt then head out to the gym.

Friday, May 15, 2009


Ugh. I don't know if you'd count what I just did as a binge. I'm still under the calories I was allowed for the day, but is a binge over eating? Or is it a loss of control while doing it?
I'm not sure how much control was lost. Because I had the presence of mind to keep chugging water between each bite so I had a stomach ache not long after I started. But still.

One thing I ate I know is a trigger to maybe two people on my list? So I won't write what it is. About 30 cal.
2 Slices Lunchmeant - 45
5 chips - 70

I...didn't breathe between shoving my face. I think the cold water was more of a help than I can even explain.

That puts me at 585 calories for the day.
I burned about 500-600 at the gym today?

I also got a new scale.
I decided to weigh myself first thing when I got home, before I started eating, to see what it was, so I would know, essentially, what I started this week at.

Wound up after a minute going up to 162. So yeah. I'm cool with that for now.

When I go down another ten pounds? I'll be at one of my lowest weights ever (at least sober weight XD).
I tend to stop when I get down to 150, but I need to push past it this time. If I can, I know I can do the rest.
I just keep imagining the end goal.
I want to be able to post pictures of before and after. At the end of this challenge, I want to be able to show my before pictures with pride compared to the after.
I just have to keep pushing.

I am VERY tired now though. I need to stay up a little longer to try and let my body have a chance to process the shit I just shoved in my mouth like a fucking hoover.

I've been up long enough.
Bed time for me now.

Oh, and according to my new awesome scale, I'm 41.6% body weight, and my bones weigh something like 4 or 5 pounds or something XD

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What do you do when your scale sucks?

I woke up.
Marveled at my own bad breath.
Did morning business.
Weighed self...

Weighed self again.
Got confused.

GAVE THE FUCK UP, so I went used my parents scale, which is this super expensive one, and it gave me accurately every time I stepped on it

So I'm using that. And getting a new scale. Because clearly, my claims of demonic possession were right on.
(That or my four year old bb has finally gone haywire, likely due to age and being dropped many times. Or the battery could be dying. But demonic possession is much more awesome sounding.)

So...I don't know how long my plateau really lasted
because apparently my scale has been playing mind games with me.

Oh well.
I think I met my goal this week?
Fuck if I know anymore! D:

.o16, in which shirts are almost chewed.

Day six of plateau.

When I woke up, I was still less right off. 166.0 , but it did wind up shooting up again in like, three minutes, to 166.6. But I had a feeling body has started again. I was starved. To the point where I would have sacrificed an orphan for some Wendy's.
Two, if you included extra salt.

I haven't been hungry like that since the plateau started. It was like last night, before bed, I could almost feel when this trigger was switched in my body turning it "on". I'm still upping my calories for one more day, because I'm petrified, but I'm also going back to the gym. I'll work myself slowly back into the hardcore exercising I was doing, and maybe will only try to get over the 1000+ burn mark on weekends and keep it easy over the weekdays. Try to not let it get on a pattern like this again.

I'm scared that it's not really "on" now though. That I'll wake up and it'll be the same tomorrow. But I just have to hold my breath and hope for the best, I guess.

I've also cut back on my ambien. 10mg tablets, 1 a day; then down to 1/2 a tablet once a day; now I'm down to 1/4. I'm going to stick at 1/4 for a few days, and then try on a weekend or something and see if i can actually sleep on my own.

It will be the first time in over a year.

Holy balls.

I want to chew on my shirt for some reason. I don't know why. But I just had the urge to bite on my shirt and fall out of my chair and roll around.
Probably because I'm REALLY FUCKING BORED. And I keep thinking about how all I want right now is to just get out of the 160's and NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.
I'm so SICK of that number on my scale. I want to get past this weight and just...yeah. That's all my goal is for the month right now. Not to lose a certain amount of weight (though I still hope I can get the 13.4 I got last month, at LEAST) but to just...get the FUCK out of the 160's.

I am NOT a religious person! But to see "666" EVERY MORNING does provide a certain level of "WTF GOD DAMN IT SATAN" to my daily routine that I could happily go without. When the devil is one of the first thoughts that helps to start your day, it's generally not a good thing, is it?

I'm also distracting myself. My coworker just made some taquitos (toquitos? TAWKEETOES--I cannot spell today, but now I can't stop saying that word. It's a FUN word...anyway)...yeah...he brought some of those rolled taco thingies his wife cooked for him at home. I love Mexican food, and they make it all from scratch at their house, and it's always greasy and so tasty delicious. and he's sitting there grubbing on it, hands coated in grease, dipping it in salsa going "You sure you don't want one?"

My tastebuds are screaming "GIVE ME NAO" and my fat is going "yeessss add to our fleshy mass. Let us expand!" and my willpower is going, "getitawaygetitawaygetitaway!"

I'm way too hyper.


PS I just remembered this video after like, YEARS of not having seen it. It's...still as immature and fantastic as the first day we played it in Jr. Year of High school. Goodness. That was like, 2003 or something XD Now I need to go find Trogdor.

I would not change the time I grew up in for anything. We had great memes.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I am Chuck Norris and Yoda's Love Child

"You don't need to worry. I am Chuck Norris and Yoda's love child. I am the Jedi Dyke, but you can call me Daddy. Daddy will handle your family. Daddy handle's all the bitches families."
Evidence of my amazing.

To everyone who comments: if I'm not following you, let me know. I just realized today that someone I've been talking to for a bit through here, I wasn't following! And they comment a lot! So if you comment to me and follow, and I'm not returning, prod me. I always try to take time to read the blogs everyone that reply to mine :3

Still no weight loss. A few ounces down from yesterday, but stuck all the same. I'm trying to eat a little more today before I go to the gym, but I'm utterly exhausted. I've been weening off my ambien the past few days, which I don't think helps when already on a plateau, but the side effects of long term use have officially scared the living shit out of me. I know I'm addicted to it, but since I've been cutting back, I've been more tired than ever and unable to sleep. Hopefully it'll pass, and at least I'm not in school right now.

My weight, when I first woke up, was 166.6. It went to 166.4 after fifteen minutes (the normal time I weigh myself-fifteen to twenty minutes after waking up), but I keep seeing 166.6. It's like it's a sign.

My scale is possessed by the devil.

When I worked at Home Depot, they had these self check out lanes. I learned from a friend who was a strict Catholic the gist of exorcisms, since she had accompanied her priest on a few here in town. Apparently, it was some weird shit. But yeah, so, the self check out lanes were broken, and they were refusing to fix them. So I threatened my boss when he kept putting me on them, that if he didn't get them fixed, I was going to exorcise them. Of course, he didn't believe me. So one day I came in on shift with some rosary beads and a bible, and a bottle of holy water she gave me, and started praying over them and doing some exorcism shit. Boss freaked, of course, and put me on a different lane once he was done cracking up. Needless to say they did get fixed.

But I was tempted to do the same to my scale this morning. Go find that little bottle of holy water she gave me (I used to love collecting all that shit. I have a weird fetish for different religious ceremonies, I swear XD) and start sprinkling my scale with the whole "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" but I know it wouldn't do anything, except make me feel better, which actually is something, isn't it? I mean, it's not affective, because my scale isn't REALLY possessed, but I could cackle about it later. And it's not like...hitting it with a brick. Like I really want to do.

Anyway...I' a much better mood today. I don't know if I'll meet this goal for the month, so I'm lowering it down to ten pounds again, which...I'm not happy about, but it's less stress than I've been facing. I think I'll be able to do it, and to pull this off, so long as I just stay strong and keep pushing through this.

And all the support is amazing. It means a lot to me, and I adore the hell out of you guys more than I can even say.

Mm, and about the plateau--I don't ever do the same exorcise twice in a row. I do use the same machines more than once, but I jump around every day. Sometimes I do more weights than aerobics, sometimes more aerobics than weights, never the same machine, never the same part of the body. I switch it up a lot to stop from getting into a routine, because I know that regimines kill. The bagels and carbs I eat are all "Mini" versions, and tend to be organic and low cal, but I'll cut back on the carbs and increase the protein hardcore. Thing is, I have to watch what I buy and eat very carefully because of my allergies--I can't afford an epi pen, and there's something (we can't even find out what it is) that can send me into anaphylaxis with just a few bites. Nestle cookies are one of them, and so are raw bananas and tomatos. It's terrifying.

I have picked up on my water in take. I think I was getting really dehydrated, especially with my new medication.

I'm hoping to shake this today. I'm on day 5 of the plateau which is the longest they normally last, and if it goes past well...I'll not be pleased.
I have an aunt who literally has been stuck at hers for a year, and when she told me that, I about vomitted.

I won't do that.
I don't care if I have to fast for a month.

I'll break this.
I will.

Just fucking watch me.

jesus fuck what if this doesn't stop?

So I've been doing a lot of research. I've been on this plateau for four days, and I'm starting to feel really worn out from it. The thing is, I know this isn't from slacking.

I burn, on average, 800+ calories a day at the gym.
My in take is at 500 calories.
I should, mathematically, be losing almost a pound a day, when you add it all together.

But I'm not.

I'm gaining weight.

It's terrifying. I haven't gained weight on my plateau's before.

Most sites I've been looking at say that while sometimes, upping intensity can help break past it, not always. One place described it as "hitting the gas when your tires are stuck in the mud--it only digs you in deeper". Which I guess makes sense. The all say to lay off. Keep a certain level of calories each week, but mix up how much you eat per day, and also to take a break for a little bit. That it'll help your body unwind and let your metabolism readjust to normal again.

So I'm going to restrict, but I'm going to relax on exercising. Maybe or a day or two. I'm going to take my dog out for a walk, and then come home and stretch. I've eaten over 600 calories today, and drank a lot of water, and I'm going to put the scale away until my weigh in on the 14th. I'm...terrified I'm going to be stuck here. That it's not going to move, or that I'm going to gain more weight. I don't think I could deal with that. I don't know what I would do.

I just hope I can break past this soon. Tonight will be day five. If it goes beyond that, I think my head is going to break. I just want to be down to 165 tonight. I want to see it be lower than 166 or (ohgodfuck) 167. I want to know I can break past this and get into the 150's.

When I'm the 140's, something magical will have happened. For the first time in years, I'll have lost more weight than I need to lose. At 149, I'll have 46 pounds to lose, and I'll have lost 48. Right now I've lost between 30-31lb's. But it's stuck. I don't want to be in this upper bracket anymore. I don't want my BMI to still count as obese. I have never been just "overweight". At least not since I was a young teen, I think. And maybe when I was on drugs. But I just...never naturally. Never or a long period of time. I've always been obese. I don't want that word attached to me anymore.

I don't want to have to shop in plus sized clothing. I don't want to be in this midpoint between a 14 and a 16. I don't want to be in a 14. I want to be able to wear shirts that aren't baggy men's shirts without having to worry about back fat. I want to wear things that make me look like a girl. I need to do this. I have to do this.

I just don't know how anymore.


So I'm at my normal mid-weight plateau. I made out a chart, and found out that when I hit the mid of any tens (185-186, 175-176, now 165-166) I hit about a five day period where NOTHING HAPPENS. I just...stay the same weight.

This isn't good.

I have a goal to meet for the 14th. It means I shot up from from 165.8 to 166.8 this morning. It means I've eaten nothing in two days and am still this much. I've burned off over 900 cal at the gym every day for three days in a row and it's not helping.

I'm still steadily staying the same weight or gaining.

I need to break this.

Today is a day off from the gym, I think. I'll take my dog out for a walk and then do some stomach routines on our exercise ball at home. I need to take a breath and remind myself that this happens every time. That I'm not failing. That this isn't not doing well enough. This is real.

I'm going to get through this.

I'm going to be okay.

Also, everyone who signed up for the summer challenge, check the list on the left hand side of my page to make sure you're there and the link to your page is correct :3 Remember, you can keep joining up until one month before the deadline.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

SC2009--First Challenge Question

Age: 22
Current Weight: 165.9
Goal Weight Loss: 120 by August 10th (45.9 pounds)
Personal Goal: To no longer be dependent on ambien.
Biggest Challenges: My tendency to lose interest in things relatively quickly
Anything else you want to add: I'm terrified about doing this, and made this challenge so I'd be forced to continue, past the length of my attention span, so more would be riding on me doing this than just my own will.

I need to find a full length mirror to take a picture of myself in front of D:! Or maybe just stand on the bathtub XD

Question For Week #1
Instead of gold, he gives you a choice. You can either:
A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.
B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out

What do you choose?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I'm so happy with allt he people that have signed up! I'll start linking up tonight after I finish my final exam for CRJ.

Well, today is a total bust, like I knew it would be. We went to the buffet. I ate...half a taco, three bites of salmon, two steak fries, half of an egg roll, some iceburg lettuce with low cal ranch, five croutons, and a roll. That wouldn't have been so bad, but then I ate two cannoli's. Or however they're spelled.


I'm putting that at maybe 900 cal for the day?
Other than that, I had a salad at home (iceburg lettuce, a bit of cheese, some five crutons, and fat free ranch--maybe 90 cal?), and then I broke into my nephews spicy cheetohs. Not a lot, but still, I'm at least past the dreaded 1000. I worked out for two and a half hours at the gym, and burned maybe 700-800, but it's not enough. I sort of want to die right now.

Anyway, tomorrow is a fasting and dieters tea day.

I also found this. It's a story that's...about cheerleaders who get really fat. It's making me want to go purge and never, ever, ever eat again. I started at chapter 21, because it had the picture I found by accident on google images, and I don't really care about the content. Just how good of a job it does at making me want to die for eating.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Summer Challenge 2009! Join me!

Time Frame:
May 10th-August 1oth 2009

The purpose of this challenge is to achieve a specified weight loss goal, as well as a major goal and/or life renovation outside of restriction and weight loss, and to help increase personal control in your life.

The Challenge:
You are to come up with two separate goals--One as related to weight loss, one as related to another factor of your life. The other factor can be anything (such as writing a book, reading a book, painting your house, keeping your house clean, or even picking up an old hobby or cutting back on TV time), big or small, that you want to improve on but that will take some effort to do (The Goal is Control!).

On May 10th, make an entry on your blog and tag it with "Summer Challenge 2009" so people can find it easily. The entry should be like this:
Current Weight:
Goal Weight Loss:
Personal Goal:
Biggest Challenges:
Anything else you want to add:

(Like I said, goals can be anything from cleaning, to taking a dance class, kick boxing, drawing more, etc.)

You can start the challenge any time AFTER the 10th as well, for people who want to join in late :3

Every week I'll post up a new question, asking things like "What's your favorite thinspo song to get you going"? or "What's the best way you've found to avoid a binge?" You can answer these in comments, as well as on your own site (just let me know that you do it so I can find it) and I'll compile many of the answers and post up them up with next weeks question.

I'll be posting up links to people participating on the very top of my blog page so everyone can find each other.

Before and After Pictures:
Here's the real fun part for me :3 In order to participate, you must take two pictures: A BEFORE picture on May 10th, and an AFTER picture on August 10th, then you'll post the two of them together on your site as the results of your work out. The thing that will make this more comfortable for everyone involved is that everyone in the challenge will be doing it, therefor giving more security. You don't need to keep them forever, but just a few days to give people a chance to see.

If you would like help removing any identifying marks (scars, tattoos, surroundings, etc) then I can give you my email and I'll help photoshop your pics to get rid of them.

ALSO, if you want, you can post up pictures, links, information, videos, etc., to show that you made your second non-weight related goal as well! This can be things like the page count to your book you wrote, a video of you dancing, a piece of artwork you completed, a picture of a clean room, or anything like that. This part is optional, because if it's something that's related to real life and could potentially give your away your identity, I don't want to push you to do that. :3

•This is about control, and taking control of your need to binge, need to eat, and your life. Therefor, I ask that purging is kept at a minimum.
•Be nice to each other, not like you all aren't already :3
•Please make sure to tag entries related to this with "Summer Challenge 2009" so people can find them easier. :3

So, what do yo u guys think? Is it too cheesy? It's not anything super extreme, like a specific diet you must stick to, but I thought it could be fun. Especially the question bits, and being able to have links to different people participating, to give and get more support. Just comment here and I'll sign you up!

Thanks to Fenie for being super awesome and letting me bounce this off her last night! :3

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Apparently I need to rage more often.
I got up to day and was at 165.8
Which means this first week of may, I've lost about 4.5 pounds.
When I got on the scale ten minutes later, it was up to 166.2 and then 166.6 and then 166.1 and then 165.9 and...yeah...165.8 is the one I got three consecutive times in a row when I first woke up, so therefor, it is the winner XD

So I had a TV dinner worth 300 calories
and then a cupcake, which I'm saying is maybe 200? 250?

I'm around 550 cal for the first 3 hours of the day. I have one more thing I'm allowed to eat, which is a little over 100 cals, but I might not even have that, and just snack on something small when I get home. Today I'm allowed around 700, because tomorrow I go out for delicious sushi and fish, and I want my metabolism to be a little more kicked up to handle the big meal. I know it's not too fattening, but tbh, it'll be more than I've had in a while.

I think if I can stay under 700 today, I'll be okay. and I can do that. I go to sleep at like, 7 or 8am today, so that's only like, 9 hours XD I can not eat for the rest of the night except for some grapes before bed and be set :3

So I don't feel guilty about the cupcake, because I planned for it. I knew it was going to happen. I'm a supervisor at work, and there are literally only three people who work on this shift (me, Mal, and Lindy) and only two of us are on shift at a time. Then there's the cleaning crew, who are also graveyard. It's Mal's birthday, so I got cupcakes and soda for everyone and surprised Mal. I knew if I didn't eat one, it would seem weird, so I made sure I planned my day around it.

My stomach hurts now from all the sugar, though. Store bought cupcakes are a serious pain in the gut!

I ALSO GOT ATTACKED BY A CAMEL SPIDER! I was standing there, and we were trying to convince one of the guys that they ARE out here, and telling them that I caught one as big as my fucking head that was a female ready to lay eggs, and he was like "NO! They're only in the middle east!" and I'm like "NO THEY ARE NOT!" and another cleaning guy was saying how he saw one in the maintenance office (where we were at) and suddenly I hear a girl scream.

I look down, and there's this maybe four or five inch long monstrosity of fuzzy legs and giant pinchers, reared back, beak open, front feeler legs open, aiming at my leg, because I apparently had made a move and nudged it before I realized it was there and it took it as an attack. It WAS HISSING AT ME AND IT WAS GOING TO TRY AND KILL ME OR EAT ME. I screamed and literally jumped over it and away and hid behind the maintenance supervisor, and the thing took off. The guy who didn't believe us? He shut up.

For those of you who don't know what camel spiders's what TRIED TO KILL ME AND FEAST ON MY FAT LEGS. (No, that is not me in the picture, and this is not the exact spider)

And a video, for all you brave at heart

Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight.

It was a long night. I got into a fight with someone over something that's been building up for a long time, and I wound up spending 8 hours making hard, cruel jabs at her. I just finished off by basically siccing someone else on her to "talk to her" and make her see reason (it was her fault, tbh. She's been targetting me for some nasty shit, and I've put up with it for a few months and tried to talk to her and others about it, but it hasn't worked, and she's been getting more of a whore about it and claiming she can't help it, and I don't tolerate that. You don't PULL that bullshit with me). Anyway, I started polite, ended with some mean things that still seemed polite, but were designed to really hurt, and I think they did their job. She apparently signed off to go emo somewhere, while I was still angry, and regretted that I didn't hurt her more. I know that's terrible, which is why I didn't do it. I went to the gym and burned, according to the heart rate/weight thing on the machine, 850 calories on cardio. After calculating my total burn on the weights and the machines after that, I'm apparently over 1100cal burned.

Considering I've eaten around 600 today? That's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.

I had better have lost that .3 pounds I need to make my goal for the week. XD

The amazing part is that after trying tow ork off all that rage at the gym, it didn't work. I got home, and wound up flying into another rage at someone, which is when they promised to try and talk some sense into her and get her to lay off.

I'm very deflated now, though, which I guess is a good thing. The rage finally passed, but now I'm too exhausted to move.


The challenge is written up, but I need in put on it. Anyone willing to proof read and provide suggestions? I need it done preferably by Saturday morning. :3

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I'm done with all of my classes but one, and all that's left there is an online final which I have to take before the ninth. I feel actually pretty good about them, except for some of my bio, where I totally bombed the 4 abiotic factors that effect climate. FYI, Sunlight, Wind, Temperature, and Water is the answer. I put in "Weather", which I tots think should be one, and I thought was a good BS version.

Anyway, after my trig exam, I went to the gym and ran a mile, then did about 25 on the eliptical. All together I burned about 300 calories on there. Only a short work out today, because I needed to get home and go to bed. Had a migraine forming, so I ate some edamame and took some ibuprofen, and now my tummy feels all swoooollled. But after the gym, I was down to 167, so I'm hoping that even though I eated that so late, I'll still be lower. I would rather not move on the scale, though, than have to fight off a migraine all of tomorrow.

So calories for today:

Slimfast (turns out I wasn't allergic, it was a reaction to one of my meds, yay!) - 190
Chicken dish - 150 calories
Chicken and potatos - 160 calories
Edamame - 100 calories
Snack - 80 calories

Total oooofffffff 680!

Kind of high, BUT, to be fair, I had TWO FINALS today, and one was a critical thinking/diagnostic exam for psych, so I needed to be on the top of my game, which means not too full, not too hungry. And I also had to study all night, so I couldn't be too woozy headed.

Realizing all the calories I ate sort of makes my stomach feel too full now though.

Oh well. Thursday morning is a real return to the gym, where I burn, I learned, about 700 calories a round, and about 950 when I really go at it on the weekends (when it's empty enough to :3)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


It's amazing how much one bad day and one day of weight gain can completely tear you apart.

This morning I woke up and was at 167.2. This is a good thing, since it's a new low on this weight loss round, meaning I'm down a little over 3 pounds this month. I have until the 7th to lose .4 more pounds in order to be on track for the month, and since I get to return to the gym on Thursday, I think I'll be able to meet my goal.

When I stepped on the scale, I wasn't sure if it was true. After I had my water and my concerta, I stepped on it again and saw I was only at 167.4, which means I'm actually in the 167 range right now. I was so relieved to see it go down.

It's funny, because I see it, and I feel happy, then I get off, and immediately I'm determined again. I'm not as depressed as I am when my weight doesn't move or worse, goes up. It just doesn't feel like I've actually lost weight, I guess. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see it. I mean, I do, in that my stomach isn't as big, but that's it. My face is thinner, I guess.

I keep telling myself, "When I get down to the _____'s, it'll hit me that I'm losing weight." Like, when I was in the 90's, I told myself, "I just want to get the 80's, then it'll be real", then it was "When I get to the 70's", then "When I get to the 60's..."

I wonder if it's going to hit me at all.

So...after I wrote this, I did notice something.
When I stay the same weight for more than about a day or two...or when I gain even an ounce (I fucking hate that word. Gain. I HATE IT), I look at myself and can't stand it. I see my reflection in the glass doors at work as I'm doing patrols and I can only think of how I haven't changed since I was tipping at almost 200.
Then days like today, where I've lost a pound, and I look, and think how much better I'm looking. How I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there, and I see myself as I want to be--I can see a dual reflection of who I am versus who I will turn into, and it's strange. It's the same image, and I doubt you can really see such a difference with a pound, but it feels like it. I always feel better when I lose. Walk taller, breathe easier.
So I guess in a way, it does hit me. Just not like I thought it would. More like climbing up a mountain, and looking up, and seeing how far left to go, but being able to look back and say, "I'm a few feet higher than I was yesterday."

Poem: I Fought the World

Sorry for spamming you guys. Another cheesy ass poem because I'm bored at work :3. (The other one is called "So Said Ana To Me" and my excuse for that one is that I was on ambien XD). If anyone really feels the need to use/repost, go ahead, but I don't see why you would XD

I Fought the World

When I get there, I'll be able to say
"I fought the world to get this beautiful."
My skin will be firm and taught,
lips plump and rich--
hair long around face thin and soft enough
to make Barbie envious.
I'll walk down the street and move out of tune with the
click-clack-bang!-shout!-of society.
I'll be the whisper heard above
car horns and
and overzealous cellphone calls.
Through the smog of congested streets I'll be
a refreshing breeze escaped from the purity of heaven.
The sight of my legs will taste light like strawberries
and the weight of their eyes
will taste green with envy.
I will be a copy-paste from a magazine--
a naturally airbushed beauty queen.
And with a flick of my fingers through luxurious hair
I'll say with words so full of practiced humility,
"Oh, I guess it's just good genes."
While with pride I think,
I fought the world to get this way.
I fought the world to get this beautiful.

Monday, May 4, 2009


Keep an eye out for my Summer Challenge I was talking about earlier, coming out on May 8th :*

I had gained .8 pounds. Today when I woke up, after I weighed myself, I just felt tired. My dad got KFC, and yeah, it was the grilled kind, but I had planned out my day today before I went to bed. I needed to make room for something that was actually filling before my final exam in bio, because I don't know if anyone has ever tried to recall the make up of a cell wall of a prokaryote without any food, but it's fucking HARD.

So yeah, I felt really tired, and hungry, and discouraged. I seriously contemplated a bite of potatoes, but then I remembered that this isn't just about losing weight. This is about controlling what I want, and my desires, and overall my life. It's more than just a struggle to see the bones I so desperately crave, but also a war to prove that I am better than my urgings. I brought up memories about how proud I felt when I first started and said "No thank you" so often to food. So I said "No Thank you" today and came to work. Now I'm on a regime for today that won't let me go over 600 calories, which is still a lot, because I'm normally down at 400 now, but I figure the slight up is good to keep my head clear for exams, and it's only two days.

I've managed to stick on target today with calorie intake. So far? 320 calories. If I don't eat anything else, I can have 280 calories before class to go off of for my exam, but I'll try to stick under that. I don't want to be distracted by light headedness from lack of food, but also don't want to be distracted by thoughts of how much I ate :O!


Anyway, here's some pictures of things that I want to buy when I'm small enough to wear them. All socks and sock garters and arm warmers, because I have a fetish.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Rabble then HOMEWORK OH NO

Challenge will be up soon. Got busy last night, still am. Working on my CRJ paper and hating every minute of it.

Just wanted to say--yesterday I did the Dieters Tea thing. I loved it. It cleans you out, and I've never felt so light after anything, even after fasting--thought it probably helps that after that mess up with the steak, I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day. I also woke up this morning and was exactly 168. I'm so happy :3 Hopefully it stays off. I don't have time to go to the gym, in truth, until Thursday, because of finals. But they'll be over soon!

Also, I was looking through the old weight loss communities I was part of before. They offered support for the "healthy" ways to lose weight.

Everyone was so mean.

Like, vicious to each other. Anytime someone posted up a question, people corrected one another. "You shouldn't be doing it this way, do it THAT way." "You're doing it wrong." If you lost weight, and people asked how, and told them, they'd be like, "Your calorie intake is too low!" BLAHBLAHBLAH.

The only time they were nice was when you messed up, and then it was all "Oh, I'm sorry, you'll do better later."

I mean, no wonder I couldn't stay motivated, when everytime I made progress, all I heard about was how I wasn't losing it right. And yet the people here, who are "sick", are so much more supportive of each other. Isn't that strange?

Well, back to my paper. I'll get the challenge up soon :3

I haven't been so hungry in a long time. I was doing damn good. I had been up for a few hours, had only some wheat thins, and then I started to feel it in my back. It was like, a good hungry. That kind that resonates all the way to your cells and you can feel it in your knees and arms and feet.

And then I got el pollo loco.
One grilled burrito is 387 calories. It's just chicken and flour tortillas. I thought it wouldn't be that bad. They come in twos. I inhaled one, then finally got off my ass to look the calories, and was just eating the chicken in the second before I saw it and almost vomited. I'm chugging water, and praying right now that it'll make my stomach swollen enough to cause me to throw up on my own. I can't purge at work, and I generally don't do it, because I don't like making myself throw up, but I just...yeah.

So...sushi is getting put off, I guess. I broke my promise to myself to not binge for a week.

I can't believe I did that. I mean, that was probably almost 600 cals in one sitting. Holy shit.

I can still pull through this day without it being a binge day if I don't eat ANYTHING ELSE. If i can manage to keep this day under 600 cals, I should be fine, and I could still allow myself to go for sushi.

I just have to keep my fucking mouth SHUT for everything but WATER. Ugh, I feel so disgusting.

Reverse Thinspo, to remind me why I'm not allowed to eat.

^Your fat wants you back.^
Don't ever let it take you alive.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Sorry for not replying to everyone's entries right off. I'm going to have a hard time until Thursday, since finals are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. But when they're over, I'll start keeping up with everyone like I normally do :3
And thank you so much to everyone for so much feedback and positive support! I PROMISE I WILL MAKE YOU ALL PROUD! All of your words make me feel like I have a reason to keep going, and when I feel down on myself, or want to give up, I think of how strong all of you are, and it gives me strength too. Thank you so much ♥

In the meantime if any of you want to chat, my aim name is on my profile, and I also get mail at that account ( It's purely for people in the ED community, because I'm a bored loser like that.

So I don't have a lot of time right now. I'm about to crawl into the bath.

My body is surprisingly NOT sore from yesterday, but that could be the six ibuprofen and five excedrin I've taken in the past 2 1/2 hours. I woke up with a headache that desperately wanted to form and I've been fighting it off like a fucker.

Yesterday was okay with eating. I did fine until a few hours before bed, when I was overwhelmed with the urge to EAT. Like, I could feel the binge coming on. Somehow I managed to only eat maybe 150 calories worth, putting me at about 600 for the day. This morning I woke up and the headache knocked my ass down, and my parents had cooked steak and fried potatoes. I attacked it like a starving lion, no fucking joke. I didn't even grab a fork, not like I like extensively utilize utensils (I have this weird thing where I feel like i have more control if I eat with fingers. I have to stop between every bite to wipe off my hands, and I can physically feel the texture and weight, and yeah. Or I could just be lazy). It was a thin and small steak, but I ate almost all of it.
The rest went to the dogs, because if it was there, I would eat it. The dogs are my way of disposing of food, where I can't get it back.

I think maybe it was 350 calories? Not too terrible, but still, not great. So long as I keep low for the rest of the day. And to make up for it, today is a dieters tea and laxative day. (EW RIGHT?)

Next Saturday, I'm going out to an Asian buffet with my grandma. So Saturday night to sunday morning (like I said, I'm up all night because of my shift) is going to be my official binge day. I'm planning it out, so I'll have something to look forward to. Just one day where I can go to the sushi place, and get it out of my system on something that isn't overwhelmingly bad for you like Jack in the Fat.

I think that, if I feel a binge coming on, I should start to plan for them. Like yesterday and today, I have this urge to just eat and it's undeniable. So I'm telling myself that if I stay good, I can go get something I love (sushi) instead of the shit we have here in the house, or worse, burgers. So it's a week away. I'm going to schedule them in a week away, and then two weeks, then three, &c. &c., until I can just not have them at all.

Last night, I opened up my "bag of things I'm too fat for". I have a few pieces of clothes from when I was at my smallest (125-135?) when I was on drugs, and then when I was at my smallest from when I did it through dieting before (151 or thereabouts).

Well, to put this into perspective...
...when I started to work to lose weight at my highest (~200lb) a size 18 was tight. I worked my ass off and ate healthy at first (from November to January) and started to fit better into those, but size 16's killed me still. I took time off because I got lazy, and then April 1, when I started my restriction "diet", a size 16 was still a bit too tight to be comfortable.
Mid April, I could pull them off without unzipping them. Yesterday, they almost fell off completely

So I decided to see if I could find pants that did fit.

I'm in 14's. From a size 20 when I first started losing weight, to a 14. The 14's are still a little tight at the top, but if I lose this month like I did in April, they should hopefully be baggy again soon.

It's kind of awesome, because I'm not looking at these thinspo pics anymore thinking "I wish..." and going "I'll never look like that, no matter how hard I try..."

Now it's, "When I look like that." I know that it will be hard, and it won't always be fast, and I have so much to lose. But a lot of other girls have also lost as much weight as I'm trying to now. And now they can pose in those pictures, and be beautiful, and be envied, and be loved. And if it were easy, that would make all of us doing this less special--less powerful. Less strong.
I'm going to make it.

All of us will. So long as we stay strong, and don't forget what matters most.
My two favorite thinspo quotes of the moment: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and, "The only way to get rid of your cravings is to give into them. Crave to be thin. Crave it more than anything."

Anyway, I have a challenge for all of you lovelies on my list, and I want to think out the terms properly before I post it. I think it'll help motivate at least some of us. I know it'll help motivate me. :3


I challenged my friend (we'll call him Ry for the sake of anonymity) to a weight loss goal this month. He wants to run in a marathon. I just want to be hot.

The challenge? Who can lose the most weight. I want to lose fifteen pounds, and he wants to run a marathon. Thing is, he's the sort of person who shows up in jeans and only when someone comes with him, and he eats two bowls of spaghetti for breakfast. Still, he's a HUGE guy (not like blubbery HUGE, but like, wide, and broad, and tall as fuck) and his recommended in take (when he was at his healthiest--212 pounds, but he was a sports guy) is about 3000 calories.

Don't you WISH you could eat that much and not gain weight?

He loses weight when he cuts down to 2000. He said he lost a pound a day when he was eating only 1500. I sort of hate him for that.

So I spent four hours at the gym. I didn't mean to, and now I'm exhausted. It was nice. I've had all this energy and shit building up in me. Now I need to do some laundry and homework, though laundry can wait until tomorrow. I think it's going to take all the energy I have left to do my homework and essays XD

IF ANYONE TAKES HYDROXYCUT STOP. The FDA just recalled it, as apparently it causes massive liver failure if you take it CORRECTLY. If you don't? It will fuck you up worse. I only say this because it's something I take from time to time, whenever I eat too much and can't purge. But I think I'd sort of rather deal with the regular consequences of a binge than a liver transplant.

Friday, May 1, 2009


Africana: Thank you so much for your kind words. The inspiring part made me smile and meant a lot to me. I know, I'm a cheesy sot.

Well...I has been very good.

I slept three or four hours last night. I woke up, and I weighed a number that shall not be named, for terror of getting back up to it again. I ate very little, just enough to keep my metabolism going, then went to the gym. I was exhausted, but forced myself. Wound up stopping a little early, BUT...when I weighed myself at the gym?


I got home, dried my hair, and weighed myself again. 170.2. Sadly, I go by my digital scale (because that's the one I weigh in on consistently--which is more acurate?) Still... That's lower than the last weight I had in April (170.4). This is at the END of the day too. I'm excited to see how much I weigh when I wake up :3

I was supposed to go to a dyke ball tonight for a festival, but I realized all I have are really baggy shirts and pants that are too big on me now. I'm just small enough to not fit into those, and big enough to not fit into my "skinny pants" proper. Which, might I say, is absolute SUCK. I also can't wear any of my nice shirts, because they show my arms, which are HUGE. So I'm calling out, and staying home tonight (my morning, or whatever). I'll go to the gym almost first thing, then do some laundry and study. I think I'm going to also try this stuff called Dieters Tea to cleanse out my system. All in all, tonight is going to be relaxing, and sleeping in, which I need.

I got update my charts, too. They're all monthly. I have one where I cross out all the benchmarks I've passed and what month I passed them in. Another one I have the whole year planned out, with expected weight loss each month in red. Under that, I put in the actual numbers.

I was expected to go from 183.8-173.8 in April.
I went from 183.8 to 170.4 :3 THAT felt nice.

And I have determined, officially, that I am going to start taking pictures. At the end of May, I'll take some. Then end of June, July, and August. I'm not posting any yet. I'm going to save them up and put them together in comparison shots, because, as silly as it sounds, I wanna be able to post thinspo of my OWN eventually :3

Weeee it will be epic fun.

PS Today I went to the gym after drinking slimfast and started wheezing. I thought ti was because I may be not eating enough, but when I got home, my legs were itchy. I just looked, and they're covered in hives. I am now allergic to slimfast. Epic fail, yo. I have such WEIRD allergies.

Found this, thought people would be interested.
"About 95 percent of people regain the weight they have lost in less than a year," says psychotherapist Stefanie Barthmare of the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston.

"People who want to lose weight come in with such fierce determination and commitment in the early stages, but they are more committed to losing weight than to a new lifestyle. The motivation to diet only lasts for a limited period."

(Found here)


I cried stepping on the scale today. I've never done that before. Normally, I have some idea of what it's going to be, but yesterday, I was honestly surprised at how much I had gained in one night. I know it has to be something like just...water weight, or just...I don't know. But I don't think that what I ate can possibly explain what the weight was. I actually will not say it, because I'm highly superstitious, and fear that if I put it down in writing, it will solidify it into reality. While I do understand that this is a strange thing, it's just...well, let's call it a fallback to old religious belies I once strictly followed in my youth.

It's why I never think "I will never see ____(insert weight here)___ again" until I'm a good ten pounds away from it. And even then, I don't think the number "out loud". I'm afraid to think it.

See...I was raised Jewish, and then converted to a certain branch of what I suppose would be called "Pagan" (not falling under any currently organized accepted religious definition or congregation despite having historical accuracy). Part of the belief was, that if you think something or praise something in your own life such as weight, or money, or other things that you are terrified of losing, it will attract negative forces (energy, demons, spirits, whatever you want to call it) that will ruin it.

It's all right to celebrate good things when you get them, but after that, you don't brag. You don't boast. You don't rub it in peoples faces. You never bring up the accomplishment again. Especially if it's something that can be taken away. This doesn't count toward other people--you can compliment them all you want or praise their good qualities or fortunes--but like, I will never brag about what I have in bank account or complain (even in my own head). I won't ever brag about getting down to a certain weight too long after it happens. I will never say "I'll never gain that weight back" until after I've had it off for a long enough time to start to make those claims, and trust myself.

Otherwise, you attract the "bad karma" or whatever that will punish you for your boastfulness and pride.

Strange, isn't it? I think, philosophically, it was a lesson that was preached to teach humility.

It's also the same with bad things (gaining weight, running out of money, getting sick). If you write them down, or talk about them too much, you show how much it has truthfully hurt you, and these "negative forces" will work to make it permanent.

It's silly, I know. But yeah.

Anyway, to try to focus on what I want, and my goals of my life, I've been looking up thinspo all night.

Hopefully I'll be able to get past this, and back to what I was at by the time I wake up tonight.