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Monday, September 13, 2010

Goodbye, for now.

So, what do you say when you're falling?

There's really no appropriate words for it. Not when you're not even afraid of it any longer.

I'm not sure what you'd call this moment. A revelation? A grandiose understanding? A hesitant moment of enlightenment?

Call it what you will, but the truth will always stay the same.

I have failed you all.

A year with less than ten pounds progress. I have failed you, and I have failed myself. For this, I apologize.

I made the mistake of opening my mouth. Telling people of my disease. Flaunting it, like I wanted attention, when really, I just wanted to be held. Speaking of it, like I wanted to stop, when really, I had no idea what I needed. Speaking like I wanted to be seen as something glamorous. Something better than me. I felt despair and I told people why I was dying. I revealed the inner depths of me, and now? Now I pay for this mistake.

I pay in forms of flesh and fat.

Of shame for having let you down. For having let myself down.

I apologize, but silence, I feel, has become a necessity.

There must be a certain level of privacy to my inner thoughts from this point on. I no longer fear what I am or what I can become if I continue, only because I know the consequences of not doing so are so much worse.
I must get me back.
And I must close the doors for the time being to do so.
I feel I have forgotten the true purpose to this blog, and have started to put on a show for you. I have set myself up with expectations and I have forgotten the real reason why I first put down my fork and declared "No more". And with forgetting this, I have forgotten the way, and that has led me to failure. I become addicted so easily, and this is proof positive in how easily I became addicted to the attention that was provided.

I love you all dearly.

You will hear from me again when I have given you reason to be proud of me.
I love you all.
Do not forget me in my silence.
Do not abandon me, please.

I will return.


Saturday, September 11, 2010

How many calories is in human?

I will not start off this day purging.
I will not.

Last two days = serious fucking blows to self esteem.

Fact of the matter is, I don't want anyone to be able to call me chunky or even think that word when they see me.

I hate this.

Self esteem = nearing all time low.

I feel like a selfish bitch for being upset right now.
Even worse because I didn't explain to Boy why I was upset last night, but I didn't even understand it then. Maybe that's why girls are so confusing--they don't get it themselves. They just know it hurts and they can't figure out the words to explain why.
I'll talk to him later, I guess.
When he's not sleeping.

Ate too much bad and greasy food.
Had food I hadn't eaten since February 14, 2009. A calzone from a certain pizza place. Expensive as fuck. Was upset, and wound up spending all the money I had to spend on bills, and now I'm fucked. I'll find a way out of this, but if shit doesn't start improving, maybe I should just say fuck it and become a whore. God knows, it's not like I can't find any pimps for the high class out here. I mean, my sister used to work for one (let's call him J), and he's still out here and in operation.
And guess who he offered a job to?
That's right.
I turned him down.
But at the possibility of making $20,000 in a month (apparently, confirmed with my sister, was the average for a six hour a day, four days work in a month), it's a rather tempting prospect.

But I have morals, and therefor, don't believe in the manipulation of people to get money. I try to rely on brains and wit and self perseverance, doing things the right way.
Because if you do it the wrong way, you only set yourself back that much farther in life.

Doesn't mean I have to fucking like it.

.....I have no control over anything.
And now I have no time left to purge.
Ate too much this morning. I feel greasy and huge and bloated.
But I will not purge.
I will not purge.
I will not purge.
Because now I don't have the time.

Maybe I should have just given up and done it.
It always tends to make me feel better when it's over with.

And no, Boy didn't call me chunky. Sorry this entry is convoluted. It was someone else who did. When I mentioned it to Boy, Boy declared some rather interesting threats. As for myself, I know who this guy is, and plan to have some fun.

Who's up for the "Make the tweaker believe you're a cannibal!" game?????


Totally going to tell him that I, the little Jew Girl, got my SS Eagle imprinted switch blade from a skinhead I ate. And that I've never tried dark meat before....but I bet he would go great with merlot....

...I love my defense mechanisms.
"You're fat."
"Yeah, well, you look delicious. Come here and let me spit roast you!"

The answer to all of life's greatest problems can be found in simply convincing your adversary that you will devour them with fine garlic seasoning and a side dish of quinoa.
And those are my words of wisdom for the day.


Monday, September 6, 2010

A lot to update, but not a lot of time

So I have a lot to inform you guys of and not a lot of time to do it in. So right now is going to be a very basic post without much detail, and just some random bs hooplah shit that has no meaning whatsoever and I'll tell you guys the good stuff later, including how now, you're going to be able to follow Boy on here because....well...he found my blogger and has made his own. I'll give you guys a link. But consider it another player in the ultimate Emotional Exhibit that is this blog. Or whatever. It sounds cooler in the other thing I was writing, and I'll introduce you to him later. But yeah. Awesome stuff.

Anyway. Bad feeling. Instincts are telling me I'm about to have to find a new job and FAST. I don't know why. Just that feeling that the server job is about to be OVER. Which is always a fun thing to think about. I like it there, and if it made more money, I'd seriously be set. As it is, I'm gonna have to apply at like...a place that's like a normal TGIF or something. I don't know. Whatever.

Awesome song I found.

Completely reminded me of the whole "Ana as a person" thing, and just...feelings toward the ED thing. Corpse of Corpses by Hawthorne Heights. I'm throwing it on my Thinspo playlist. HOORAH.

And all of the corpses
Walk step by step
To the rhythm of their once beating hearts
Over and over they march
On and on to the same old songs
Trying to find something worth living for

No more ghost or memories that hold me back
A fresh start is all I have ever ask
I watch my body slowly turn from blue to black
And on, and on, and on
Sometimes it hurts the most to be who you are
You can change your mind, you can't change your heart
To find the end you got to know where to start
And on, and on, and on

You said she is so evil, but
She looks like heaven to me
I follow her to hell and back again
I swear I sign my name in blood
That dripped down from our veins
I swore I'd never tell

I know where to go
What sky, stars are align
Point to blame, clear your name, or just kill the time
My dreams slowly turn
They turn to black and white
They die, they die, they die

You said she is so evil, but
She looks like heaven to me
I follow her to hell and back again
I swear I sign my name in blood
That dripped down from our veins
I swore I'd never tell

And on, and on, and on

You said she is so evil, but
She looks like heaven to me
I follow her to hell and back again
I swear I sign my name in blood
The trip down from my vein
I swore I'd never tell

The end.