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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Weakness, Strength, Luck

Current Weight: 128.2
Day: 6
Progress toward goal for week: 1.8 out of 2lb's lost - on track

I'm surprised I'm on track.
That I haven't gained.
Friday was well.
Saturday was terrible.
Sunday was worse.
Saturday I binge-binge-binged.
Got up to 1400 calories, I think?
Sunday I did well until it came time to have dinner.
I cooked.
Made healthy food.
But then made the mistake of eating three Hawaiian rolls, and then four cookies. Aside from just eating the artichoke and halibut. And I also had white rice.
Not sure of the calorie amount. I wound up losing it that night. Did something i haven't done in years, and cut myself. I exercised myself raw, and then broke down when I started thinking about getting over 130 pounds, and how fat I would be. How hard I had worked for nothing. Then I took a pair of scissors, and sliced up my thigh until it was numb. Monday morning i woke up to it burning, and it wasn't deep enough to draw a lot of blood, but scabbed over in most spots. Was red and swollen from my knee to my panty line, with what was at least fifty slashes. I worked out Monday morning on exercise video for about an hour, then came to work.
Did incredibly well, then wound up getting so sick. Stress from getting someone fired, eating, not sleeping a lot over the weekend, plus having a seriously violent period and fighting off allergies and some of a flu, led to a bad migraine. I ate a burrito from taco bell, two slices of butter-bread (a type of bread), and a bowl of cereal, topping out at 1200-1300 calories for yesterday.

And yet somehow, today, I'm 128.2.

I'm only at 210 calories for today, so far.
I'm planning on keeping very low.
I need to be at 128 tomorrow to be on target for my goal.

This weekend was a bust, but it's behind me now. I was sick, and being at home over the weekend makes starving harder. I'm awake when my parents are, and they tend to notice the difference of when I eat, versus when I don't. So that just means that I'll have to find a way to either hide it, or keep my sugar levels up enough so I'm not as weird during the time they're home.

I'm sticking at 600 calories a day, since that's a good number for losing weight. That, and if I do need to eat more because of a migraine, it's not as hard to avoid going above 1200 calories.
It leaves me leeway if I need to break. My body burns an average of 1600 calories a day just resting, but to be safe I say it burns only 1400 in case the equation is wrong, so that means that even if I do binge, so long as I stay under 1200, I'm still in a good deficit, and will still be losing at least something.

I messed up this weekend. My leg still hurts from the reminder of it, and the feeling of the scabs scraping on my work pants prevents me from touching food. My body is sore from the work out I did, and I'm exhausted from being sick, and from lack of food.
I have bruises from where I hurt myself.
This war has left more than emotional scars. I am now riddled in the physical reminders of my fight.
Badges of honor.
Symbols of shame.
No one else can see them. They're private, and they're mine. I like my cuts. They're not deep enough to scar, not deep enough to damage. They feel like a secret. A physical manifestation of my internal struggle.
Not that I plan to do it again.
Not really.
I broke. I needed the release.
And...well...I like pain.
I taste pain. My brain translates it oddly. I can see certain smells, and I taste pain. I taste it thick on the back and sides of tongue, and feel it from the center of my body, to the tips of my toes, to the top of my head. I never knew it wasn't normal to taste pain until just recently, but maybe that's why I like it so.

This post had a point.
I forgot it now.

Also, Piglet? I love you ♥
And Flushed.
You guys are my freaking heroes.
Flushed? I do need to email you again, now that I'm back. I miss you, baby ♥
If either of you guys want any messenger information to chat sometime, let me know. Just don't hand it out to anyone openly.

♥ ♥ ♥ Staying Strong ♥ ♥ ♥

Saturday, March 27, 2010

A battle won, a war to go

Caloric intake yesterday: 605 calories
Rating: 9
Positives: When I felt close to breaking, I made a bargain with myself. "You can sit down and eat inside one small meal a day, at the end of the day, if you've done good, as a form of a reward. If you've done bad, and are close to going over, then only outside." When it was a reward, it felt very nice. And I still, halfway through, threw out the small bowl of cereal because I felt too bloated from it. I didn't clean my plate at all.
Negatives: Not many. The 5 calories over is no big deal. I'm just proud of me for doing as good as I did.

Weight on waking today: 127.8
Some days, self control pays more than others.

Some of you are probably wondering where "Hoorah" comes from.
When I was in high school, I did pulley training with the US Marines. That means, I hadn't signed up for duty, because I was too young, but I'd go every weekend to the recruiters office, to train with other hopeful recruits in preparation for basic/boot camp for when I could sign up. HOORAH is sort of a Marine yell thing that's shouted when you feel victorious, powerful, determined, etc. Sadly, I didn't get go into the military (which I still regret), due to personal reasons.

Primarily being that I realized that I would want to make a career out of it, and I had a problem eternally hiding any relationships I had and going back into the closet. I pretty much regret it now....


Now you know, and knowing is half the battle! (In the words of GI Joe)

I think "HOORAH" is fitting for this.
Because this is no longer a struggle.
This is a full on war.
2.2lb's lost.
7.8lb's to conquer the first enemy outpost.
27.8lb's to go to win the war.

Arm us with our weapons of starvation against the enemy masses of fat.
Fight with me, and taste the sweet nothingness and hunger of victory.

Friday, March 26, 2010

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself. My role is limited to being the one that looks in the mirror." -Jacques Rigaut

Day 1: (yesterday)
Start Weight: 130
Calorie Consumption: ~850
Rating: 3
Successes: Stopped typical late night binge before it got out of hand. Kept away from normal weaknesses that take me at night. Following rules of eating for the most part.
Failures: Going over the 600 calorie mark, which showed itself in my weight for the day. Breaking rules of eating by eating at the computer while taking an exam.
Things to improve: Night time eating, calorie consumption, breaking rules of eating. Remember--if I don't have time to follow the rules and eat according to plan, then I don't have time to eat at all.

Day 2: (Today)
Start Weight: 129.8, not on track. Needed to be 129.7 to be on track for weight loss goal.
Calorie Consumption so far: 418
Rating so far: 7
Problems so far: Forgot rule of eating (not eating red meat). Managed to remember partway through, and immediately spit out food and threw out the rest of it. Ate 1 chip.
Corrective measure: 48 jumping jacks
Successes so far: Avoided eating TV dinner, and went instead for three baby carrots and a bottle of water.
Goal calorie intake: Max of 600.
Feeling: Bloated still from the beef. My stomach burns.

So far, so good. Let's get this weight down and melt it right off.

THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone for all the support.
And PERI! You're sweet as can be :3 Thank you ♥!!!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Let's do this.

Current Weight: 130 lbs
Major Problem: Complete disregard for what I eat; negative reinforcement; lack of exercise
-Monitor food in careful food journal, kept beside professional journal
-Stop focusing on failures, and reward success, thereby encouraging success more steadily throughout the day.
-Increase exercise amount to at least a fifteen minute bout of cardio daily at minimum, with goal being a 1 hour session of cardio 4-6 days a week.
-Increase intake of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain
-Decrease refined sugars and refined flour
-Decrease amount of premade food and fastfood
-Any meals that are eaten must require some form of preparation or addition of ingredients by self--meaning, unless it is raw fruits or veggies, everything must be somehow home cooked. Exceptions as follows; 70 calorie hand held soup packs, low calorie cereals, yogurt, granola. Basically, no more fastfood, TV dinners, or store bought meals, since you cannot control what goes in them.
-No more use of butter; severely decreased use of margarine and oils
-Cut out beef, focusing on lean proteins like fish and chicken
-No eating two hours before bed
-Calorie amount to never exceed 1200 calories a day at maximum
-Core stabilization exercises (drawing-in maneuver, plank, etc.) to be performed daily and at waking.
-All sodas but Pepsi One are eliminated from diet; rely solely on tea, water, and carbonated water.
-Have some form of movement through out day--sitting should be reserved for studying, with a maximum amount sitting of four hours per day. Try to stand while reading.

Rules for Eating
-Food can only be consumed when done in certain locations. At work, this is standing by the lockers, facing the vacuum cleaner. At home, this will mean all meals must be taken outside, no matter weather. No more eating in the kitchen, bedroom, or any other part of the house that is not a designated "eating spot".
-For every meal exceeding 200 calories, do 1 jumping jack for every extra calorie. This does not count for the cardio to be performed that day.
-Chew every bite at least twenty times.
-Take one drink of water between every bite.
-Do not do anything else while eating--no TV, no talking, no radio, no phone, no internet.
-For every time a chocolate or something is craved, snap rubber band around wrist to associate sweets with pain. Eat fruit whenever a chocolate craving persists. Recite a rhyme not related to weight loss, or sing a song or something to distract.

Rules for the Day
-Focus on responsibilities over food consumption.
-Make up list of most important goals to achieve that day
-Studying comes first over games or anything else.
-Priorities are as such: Studying, exercise, pursuing trainer career (now certified), and then reading blogs like this to help maintain inspiration. After all of this has been done during the day, then things like facebook, going with friends, etc., will be allowed.
-Monitor all food, progress toward goals, etc., and grade self at the end of each day.
*IMPORTANT: Do not use punishments. Reward self for what was done, and then just work toward improving on the areas you failed at the next day. Failure is not a life long process, but a temporary error that can and should be corrected. You will not snowball out of control if you don't let it happen. Always pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. The key to success is persistence.*
-Read something motivational and designed toward success every day.
-Remind self every day of goals.

More personal entries to come perhaps later. For now, I'm going to be approaching my life from a technical standpoint.
I am a personal coach and trainer.
I am my first client.
Time to get this done.

Goal for weight:
Be 120 by April 1st.
That's 10 pounds in about 5 weeks.
2 pounds a week, starting today.
Focus on specifics, focus on every minute.
Every minute count. Every action counts. Every second. There is no meaningless moment.
Fill your day with 24 hours of success. 24 hours of accomplishments.
Live in the second. Controlling that one moment.
There is no stagnancy. Every second of inactivity, or every second of disregard for the goal is not staying still, but going back. Push forward. Push hard. Push stubbornly. And don't stop.
And when you fall back, just push again.

Let's do this.