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Monday, October 19, 2009

Motivation Lost

I've been having a hard time caring. I don't like myself, and I hate looking in the mirror, but they've pulled me off my ADD meds, and I think things have just been a bit overwhelming. It's been hard for me to even study, much less worry about what I'm eating. I've balanced out at about 133-134, which is a hideous weight, and I hate myself for it. But it doesn't seem to be enough to make me want to lose anymore. I think I just need a break to like...settle things out.

Girl I'm in love with, K, asked her girlfriend to marry her. I wound up breaking down sobbing in the gym a few days later when it hit. I have a somewhat-girlfriend, and I feel bad for being with her when I'm in love with someone else, to the point where it physically hurts to talk to K. T, my current girl, is too sweet. She doesn't insult me back, and likes to be cute. K and I refer to each other as whoreface, and make comments about "Go get your whoreface in the kitchen where it belongs and make me a sandwich!" And I can't do that with T. She doesn't seem the kind who would take to playful arguments very well. Which makes me sad. I get bored with general affection. Plus, K is here, and T is in another state, so it's hard for me to keep interest.

Is that bad of me to say?'s the worst part, and the part that's going to make me burn in hell.
When I met her, she wasn't small, but she was absolutely gorgeous. And then I saw more recent pics (it's been a LONG time) and she's gotten...really big.
And yeah.
I don't know. Is it bad of me to be terrified? Because I don't want to get bigger if I'm with someone who is bigger. And...I don't know. I just didn't expect that based on how she used to look, and what she had been showing me, and yeah.
I feel bad for becoming someone who judges so strongly on weight, when I didn't before.

I think I'm allergic to amphetamines, which is the base of two only ADD meds that have worked. I'm trying one of them again (Adderall) to see if I wind up having a reaction, or if it was just the food coloring in the Dexedrine. I'm hoping it's just the food coloring. I don't go well with the other types of ADD meds.

I'm going to go try and study, and not think about everything I'm eating. I'm at 1300kcals a day, and it makes me so fucking sick to think about it.

I feel like such a cow.
But it's hard to care.
I think I'm just...gonna take a break from all of this. I don't know. I'll think about it later.

I'll have more icons up for you guys later.


  1. I'm sorry that you've lost your motivation. It sucks when it happens. You've done an amazing job this year with the weight loss. I'd really hate to see you stop blogging but you have to take care of yourself the best you can.

    Hang in there. xox

  2. hey hon, apparently it has only been a week since you last posted but it feels like so much longer. hope you're doing okay. hugs...