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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Weakness, Strength, Luck

Current Weight: 128.2
Day: 6
Progress toward goal for week: 1.8 out of 2lb's lost - on track

I'm surprised I'm on track.
That I haven't gained.
Friday was well.
Saturday was terrible.
Sunday was worse.
Saturday I binge-binge-binged.
Got up to 1400 calories, I think?
Sunday I did well until it came time to have dinner.
I cooked.
Made healthy food.
But then made the mistake of eating three Hawaiian rolls, and then four cookies. Aside from just eating the artichoke and halibut. And I also had white rice.
Not sure of the calorie amount. I wound up losing it that night. Did something i haven't done in years, and cut myself. I exercised myself raw, and then broke down when I started thinking about getting over 130 pounds, and how fat I would be. How hard I had worked for nothing. Then I took a pair of scissors, and sliced up my thigh until it was numb. Monday morning i woke up to it burning, and it wasn't deep enough to draw a lot of blood, but scabbed over in most spots. Was red and swollen from my knee to my panty line, with what was at least fifty slashes. I worked out Monday morning on exercise video for about an hour, then came to work.
Did incredibly well, then wound up getting so sick. Stress from getting someone fired, eating, not sleeping a lot over the weekend, plus having a seriously violent period and fighting off allergies and some of a flu, led to a bad migraine. I ate a burrito from taco bell, two slices of butter-bread (a type of bread), and a bowl of cereal, topping out at 1200-1300 calories for yesterday.

And yet somehow, today, I'm 128.2.

I'm only at 210 calories for today, so far.
I'm planning on keeping very low.
I need to be at 128 tomorrow to be on target for my goal.

This weekend was a bust, but it's behind me now. I was sick, and being at home over the weekend makes starving harder. I'm awake when my parents are, and they tend to notice the difference of when I eat, versus when I don't. So that just means that I'll have to find a way to either hide it, or keep my sugar levels up enough so I'm not as weird during the time they're home.

I'm sticking at 600 calories a day, since that's a good number for losing weight. That, and if I do need to eat more because of a migraine, it's not as hard to avoid going above 1200 calories.
It leaves me leeway if I need to break. My body burns an average of 1600 calories a day just resting, but to be safe I say it burns only 1400 in case the equation is wrong, so that means that even if I do binge, so long as I stay under 1200, I'm still in a good deficit, and will still be losing at least something.

I messed up this weekend. My leg still hurts from the reminder of it, and the feeling of the scabs scraping on my work pants prevents me from touching food. My body is sore from the work out I did, and I'm exhausted from being sick, and from lack of food.
I have bruises from where I hurt myself.
This war has left more than emotional scars. I am now riddled in the physical reminders of my fight.
Badges of honor.
Symbols of shame.
No one else can see them. They're private, and they're mine. I like my cuts. They're not deep enough to scar, not deep enough to damage. They feel like a secret. A physical manifestation of my internal struggle.
Not that I plan to do it again.
Not really.
I broke. I needed the release.
And...well...I like pain.
I taste pain. My brain translates it oddly. I can see certain smells, and I taste pain. I taste it thick on the back and sides of tongue, and feel it from the center of my body, to the tips of my toes, to the top of my head. I never knew it wasn't normal to taste pain until just recently, but maybe that's why I like it so.

This post had a point.
I forgot it now.

Also, Piglet? I love you ♥
And Flushed.
You guys are my freaking heroes.
Flushed? I do need to email you again, now that I'm back. I miss you, baby ♥
If either of you guys want any messenger information to chat sometime, let me know. Just don't hand it out to anyone openly.

♥ ♥ ♥ Staying Strong ♥ ♥ ♥


  1. "I taste pain. My brain translates it oddly. I can see certain smells, and I taste pain."

    Synthesisia? I have something like that - I see smells too.

    I totally understand the whole need a release thing, like. If you needed it you needed it, y'know? Just be careful, 'kay? I'd be a hypocrite to preach, though, so I won't.

    'Grats with keeping to your targets [= You're very scientific about the whole thing, I quite admire that. I get as far as complicated mealplans but I never quite have the know-how to figure out deficits etc.

  2. Thanks for the're my favorite blogger ever!

    I don't really do chatting for fear of my husband finding out. We share a computer and I have to be REALLY careful. He discovered my blog recently because I was a dumb whore and left the web page up. He didn't get to read much of it....THANK GOD!!...but I Had to change my user name and blog title so that he couldn't try to google it, or something.

    Anyway, I'm sorry you were feeling bad. I had a slight case of the sickies today as well, but it kept me from eating to much, so yay.

    Feeeeel better! Talk to you soon love!!

  3. What happened sucks, it's a shitty cycle but at least you are still on track and that counts for A LOT, even though I can emphasize I had a B&P&B episode yesterday.
    Stay strong, you're awesome, and your blog is great inspiration for me, thank you!!!

  4. Ooooh I haven't been having much in the way of protein lately. I'm gonna need it too, with the bloody weights workouts! Thank you for the Edamame heads-up, I'm gonna hunt some down next week! Which vitamins did you take for your hair?

    I only got the comment once :p Man it would have been awesome to log on and see '1 billion and 4 comments'! XD

    Have an awesome weekend pretty Pretty. I hope you feel better soon! <3

  5. theres always shit days they suck i had one yesterday and today back on track back on track just remembere all the days youve done really well before....
    done that ? ....
    okay see now you know you can do it cause you did it before no excuses you can do it!!

    ps thanks i to would pay extra for something low cal albeit i would be pissed about it