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Monday, September 13, 2010

Goodbye, for now.

So, what do you say when you're falling?

There's really no appropriate words for it. Not when you're not even afraid of it any longer.

I'm not sure what you'd call this moment. A revelation? A grandiose understanding? A hesitant moment of enlightenment?

Call it what you will, but the truth will always stay the same.

I have failed you all.

A year with less than ten pounds progress. I have failed you, and I have failed myself. For this, I apologize.

I made the mistake of opening my mouth. Telling people of my disease. Flaunting it, like I wanted attention, when really, I just wanted to be held. Speaking of it, like I wanted to stop, when really, I had no idea what I needed. Speaking like I wanted to be seen as something glamorous. Something better than me. I felt despair and I told people why I was dying. I revealed the inner depths of me, and now? Now I pay for this mistake.

I pay in forms of flesh and fat.

Of shame for having let you down. For having let myself down.

I apologize, but silence, I feel, has become a necessity.

There must be a certain level of privacy to my inner thoughts from this point on. I no longer fear what I am or what I can become if I continue, only because I know the consequences of not doing so are so much worse.
I must get me back.
And I must close the doors for the time being to do so.
I feel I have forgotten the true purpose to this blog, and have started to put on a show for you. I have set myself up with expectations and I have forgotten the real reason why I first put down my fork and declared "No more". And with forgetting this, I have forgotten the way, and that has led me to failure. I become addicted so easily, and this is proof positive in how easily I became addicted to the attention that was provided.

I love you all dearly.

You will hear from me again when I have given you reason to be proud of me.
I love you all.
Do not forget me in my silence.
Do not abandon me, please.

I will return.



  1. This is one of my favourite blogs.

    I will miss your updates.

    And I will be waiting when you return.

    Best of luck <3

  2. I won't abandon you! I will wait for you to return :)

    Good luck!

  3. Oh fuck.

    I am really going to miss you. That sounds silly, since I don't actually know you, but... I hope you know what I mean.


    I really hope to see you back here sooner than later, like tomorrow, but you must do as you must. Take your time, live your life as you see fit, and don't forget *us*.

    Much love,

  4. your amazing and i respect you everything your doing and done has taken courage. If it helps maybe when you come back you can tell us why you put down your fork and said no in the first place. Be happy as you can be sweety! We will be here waiting!
    x Lyndee

  5. don't forget to hit me up, though.

  6. Just know that I love you very much.

    I'll be waiting for you to come back, and I will miss you very much too.

    Soon, someone will catch you. Even if that someone is you.

    Stay strong <3

  7. you haven't failed me in the least. you were so honest and that's why I love your blog. Just having caught up on all your past blogs it makes me kinda sad, however take all the time you need. self-reflection is sometimes the best medicine. I will miss you!!!
    Stay Strong

  8. I will miss you, and not forget you. take the space and time you need for yourself

  9. You shouldn't say you failed us.

    You could never disappoint or let me down, I have no requirements or expectations that you must maintain. I love you for you; nothing more, nothing less.

    I could never forget you, am sending you all my love and hoping you find you again soon.


  10. You have not failed us at all! We're all in the same place - a place that often feels dark and full of shame. But we don't judge each other. You could have less than 2 pounds of progress and I'd still follow you.
    We won't forget or abandon you. And we'll be waiting! <3

  11. If you're here for the attention and it is what you feel you want to thrive, then continue to write. Because we'll continue to give it to you, and there is nothing wrong with that. You're an amazing writer and an amazing person, and even if you had no progress this year, there is always next. Whatever you chose to do, know there are a ton of people cheering behind you.

  12. My thoughts go with you. Be strong. Don't hate yourself too much. Be happy.
    Come back to us soon.


  13. We love you Pretty. This seems the trend right now. So many lost. Even in your silence, you're not alone. Many of us are adrift, lost in the sea of confusion and limbo too. <3's Take care of you.

  14. Aww! I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope the best for youuu <3

  15. Come back soon darling. I'll be waiting. We love you <3

  16. I'll miss your blog, for however long you will leave us! :( I owe you tbh :)
    to me you're amazing, and have been my own personal inspiration :)
    I hope you return soon

  17. I'll miss your posts, you have such a wonderful way with words. You haven't failed! Ten pounds in a year is fabulous, I wish I had lost ten pounds this year...
    You are beautiful, never forget that!
    I hope you come back soon (: