So, what do you say when you're falling?
There's really no appropriate words for it. Not when you're not even afraid of it any longer.
I'm not sure what you'd call this moment. A revelation? A grandiose understanding? A hesitant moment of enlightenment?
Call it what you will, but the truth will always stay the same.
I have failed you all.
A year with less than ten pounds progress. I have failed you, and I have failed myself. For this, I apologize.
I made the mistake of opening my mouth. Telling people of my disease. Flaunting it, like I wanted attention, when really, I just wanted to be held. Speaking of it, like I wanted to stop, when really, I had no idea what I needed. Speaking like I wanted to be seen as something glamorous. Something better than me. I felt despair and I told people why I was dying. I revealed the inner depths of me, and now? Now I pay for this mistake.
I pay in forms of flesh and fat.
Of shame for having let you down. For having let myself down.
I apologize, but silence, I feel, has become a necessity.
There must be a certain level of privacy to my inner thoughts from this point on. I no longer fear what I am or what I can become if I continue, only because I know the consequences of not doing so are so much worse.
I must get me back.
And I must close the doors for the time being to do so.
I feel I have forgotten the true purpose to this blog, and have started to put on a show for you. I have set myself up with expectations and I have forgotten the real reason why I first put down my fork and declared "No more". And with forgetting this, I have forgotten the way, and that has led me to failure. I become addicted so easily, and this is proof positive in how easily I became addicted to the attention that was provided.
I love you all dearly.
You will hear from me again when I have given you reason to be proud of me.
I love you all.
Do not forget me in my silence.
Do not abandon me, please.
I will return.