I've started smoking. It's helped more with my severe anxiety and depression that occurs around my period than any anti depressant ever has. Part of me worries about addiction, but the rest of me is suddenly so fucking terrified of having to give it up or let someone take it away because it's illegal. This is the first time I haven't been suicidal in the week before my period in like....years and years and years.
Though I feel horrifically fat. I was at 127 again this morning and wanted to scream and rip my hair out. All it means is that I have to be very careful today to not fuck up and watch what I eat.
Boy knows about my ED. I purged the other day while he had stepped out with his friend. It wasn't nearly enough to be satisfying. And I've still gained.
I keep eating. Typical for before my period. I just wish I could stop gaining. I wish that even when the gain came, it would be less than the month before, and the loss more than the month before.
I'm super anxious right now.
Have valid reason for it.
But not a lot of time to talk.
Watching Snow White and about to go finish moving my things into Boys house. Yeah, it's weird that we're moving in together this quick, but...I feel safer here than I do at Rita's. I just hope things work out with us. I'm a realist, and know that endings are inevitable, be it through divorce or death. But I also am a realist in that relationships need work and communication, and I think he and I can do both of those if we try hard enough. One just has to make up their mind, I suppose.
I wish my Zune charger worked. I really would feel better if I could zone out and rock out to music, not gonna lie.