Monday, August 30, 2010
...this is very bad.
Today, I pulled out my pants from the dryer, and thought, "Jesus, these are my work pants? They're HUGE!" Then I pulled them on, and they were tight around my thighs and in my belly. Size 4's, squeezing the fuck out of my gut. I've noticed it's been getting softer than normal, and my legs feel thicker, and I know it's because i haven't worked out since basically the first of August. I haven't had time, and seeing as I have a killer head/chest cold, it makes it nearly impossible to do much of anything without wheezing.
Add onto it the munchies brought about by a sudden increase in pot consumption in a desperate attempt to regulate my suicidal tendencies that overwhelm me this time of month....?
...we have an inflating PrettyWreck.
I'm trying to decide what's more important.
My mental stability, or bodily perfection.
Of course, as those of you on this journey know...it's the second.
I'm laying off the weed and increasing my stimulant consumption. I'm decreasing my food in take to something more reasonable. I'm a trainer for goodness sake, I should know better than to eat like I am!
I need to get my life in order, and I'm not going to eat anymore unless I have done something good. I have to earn the right to eat, and not let food overwhelm my life.
Food is the reward for a job well done, and I have not deserved even a morsel these past few months.
I'm going to have to lie to boy in order to start on my most recent path of melting away this cage that entraps me. He hates that I struggle with this, and gets so happy every time he sees me eat. I've been eating normally, and I'm afraid of what will occur when he notices I'm losing weight. But I have to balance out whether or not i want him to be happy right now and lose his love when I get ginormous, or whether or not I want to hide this terrible deed in order to keep his affections.... It's precarious, but such are the choices people like us must make, aren't they?
Ironically, the girl I wrote about, H, the blond one I adore...I tried to hook her up with Boy's friend, M. H is my walking thinspo. She's a size 2, and has a good shape to her, but very thin arms and a tiny, beautiful little body. A little bit taller than me, but just like, by an inch. And M and her get along very well, and both are seriously into cars, but M admitted to me and Boy that he could never date her.
Because she's too skinny. And when he said those words, Boy burst out with, "OH MY GOD I didn't want to say anything but fuck she's way too damned small to be attractive." Then he looked at me and went, "Please don't ever get as small as her."
And I was kind of confused. Because I've heard that remark about her weight by a lot of people outside of the gym (but the guys in the gym tend to be into her because...it's just a gym rat thing. Male trainers like anorexicaly skinny whores, and so do a majority of the body builder types...I don't know why, but a majority of men in the real world, outside of the fitness obsessed, don't. Even relatively in shape guys who have just a six pack, tend to like girls sizes 4-8....).
I didn't want to tell boy that I plan to become smaller than her. He said all sexual attraction would disappear if I got that skinny, but I'm already terrified of sex. I love it when we mess around and get in the mood, but the idea of it when I'm not...in the act of the touching, kinda unnerves me. Probably because of my past, not gonna lie.
Anyway. I need to call up the new gym I'm renting a space at and see what's going on. I have to start getting my clients over there.
If I can get three clients to agree to meet me there this week to get memberships, then I'm going to have earned a meal. Otherwise, nothing.
Today, what I need to do to deserve to eat again:
Get situated at the gym
Make at least $40 in tips (if there's rush, if not, only $20 :( )
Reapply for a server job I wasn't qualified for before
Call up four clients to tell them where I've moved to
Go see my mom again.
Get to work on time.
Won't be too hard.
Hopefully I won't fall through, and I'll be allowed to have something. But if I go over 1300 calories, then I can't eat tomorrow. I'm saying 1300 because I've obviously been above 2000 if I'm gaining this much, and I need to bring myself down with control. And in a way that nobody will be suspicious of.
Time to go restock on carrots, fruits, and random veg.
Get reacquainted with the basic food groups.
Water, air, diet pills, hunger, vegetables, fruit, and control.
Serve chilled for maximum calorie burn.
Stay strong, my loves.
I'm going to become the stick figure living inside of me.
And then the world will see what perfection really is.