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Monday, August 30, 2010

...this is very bad.

Fuck me.

Today, I pulled out my pants from the dryer, and thought, "Jesus, these are my work pants? They're HUGE!" Then I pulled them on, and they were tight around my thighs and in my belly. Size 4's, squeezing the fuck out of my gut. I've noticed it's been getting softer than normal, and my legs feel thicker, and I know it's because i haven't worked out since basically the first of August. I haven't had time, and seeing as I have a killer head/chest cold, it makes it nearly impossible to do much of anything without wheezing.

Add onto it the munchies brought about by a sudden increase in pot consumption in a desperate attempt to regulate my suicidal tendencies that overwhelm me this time of month....?
...we have an inflating PrettyWreck.

I'm trying to decide what's more important.
My mental stability, or bodily perfection.

Of course, as those of you on this journey's the second.

I'm laying off the weed and increasing my stimulant consumption. I'm decreasing my food in take to something more reasonable. I'm a trainer for goodness sake, I should know better than to eat like I am!

I need to get my life in order, and I'm not going to eat anymore unless I have done something good. I have to earn the right to eat, and not let food overwhelm my life.

Food is the reward for a job well done, and I have not deserved even a morsel these past few months.

I'm going to have to lie to boy in order to start on my most recent path of melting away this cage that entraps me. He hates that I struggle with this, and gets so happy every time he sees me eat. I've been eating normally, and I'm afraid of what will occur when he notices I'm losing weight. But I have to balance out whether or not i want him to be happy right now and lose his love when I get ginormous, or whether or not I want to hide this terrible deed in order to keep his affections.... It's precarious, but such are the choices people like us must make, aren't they?

Ironically, the girl I wrote about, H, the blond one I adore...I tried to hook her up with Boy's friend, M. H is my walking thinspo. She's a size 2, and has a good shape to her, but very thin arms and a tiny, beautiful little body. A little bit taller than me, but just like, by an inch. And M and her get along very well, and both are seriously into cars, but M admitted to me and Boy that he could never date her.

Because she's too skinny. And when he said those words, Boy burst out with, "OH MY GOD I didn't want to say anything but fuck she's way too damned small to be attractive." Then he looked at me and went, "Please don't ever get as small as her."

And I was kind of confused. Because I've heard that remark about her weight by a lot of people outside of the gym (but the guys in the gym tend to be into her's just a gym rat thing. Male trainers like anorexicaly skinny whores, and so do a majority of the body builder types...I don't know why, but a majority of men in the real world, outside of the fitness obsessed, don't. Even relatively in shape guys who have just a six pack, tend to like girls sizes 4-8....).
I didn't want to tell boy that I plan to become smaller than her. He said all sexual attraction would disappear if I got that skinny, but I'm already terrified of sex. I love it when we mess around and get in the mood, but the idea of it when I'm the act of the touching, kinda unnerves me. Probably because of my past, not gonna lie.

Anyway. I need to call up the new gym I'm renting a space at and see what's going on. I have to start getting my clients over there.
If I can get three clients to agree to meet me there this week to get memberships, then I'm going to have earned a meal. Otherwise, nothing.

Today, what I need to do to deserve to eat again:
Get situated at the gym
Make at least $40 in tips (if there's rush, if not, only $20 :( )
Reapply for a server job I wasn't qualified for before
Call up four clients to tell them where I've moved to
Go see my mom again.
Get to work on time.

Won't be too hard.
Hopefully I won't fall through, and I'll be allowed to have something. But if I go over 1300 calories, then I can't eat tomorrow. I'm saying 1300 because I've obviously been above 2000 if I'm gaining this much, and I need to bring myself down with control. And in a way that nobody will be suspicious of.

Time to go restock on carrots, fruits, and random veg.
Get reacquainted with the basic food groups.
Water, air, diet pills, hunger, vegetables, fruit, and control.
Blend well.
Serve chilled for maximum calorie burn.

Stay strong, my loves.
I'm going to become the stick figure living inside of me.
And then the world will see what perfection really is.



  1. Mental stability is just an illusion ;)

    Yum! That recipe sound good! Rooting for you! Stay strong! :]

  2. Feel better dear :-( I'm sorry about the trouble you've been going through. I hope it gets better.

    Stay strong and beautiful,

  3. whatdya mean you don't understand why normal guys don't like super skinny girls? lol you're a trainer for fuck's sake...don't they teach you at least a little reproductive biology n shit?

    women's bodies are designed to store estrogen in fat deposits in order to sustain fertility/pregnancy. our curves (not rolls, but curves) are an outward sign to men (although they don't even realize it themselves) that we are physically capable of bearing children successfully.

    biologically speaking, why waste time/energy/sperm on a woman who either can't conceive, or can't carry a child to full term?

    while very thin women have a nice aesthetic sometimes, when it comes down to the mating game, for 90% of guys too skinny don't fly.

    food is a component for life, not a reward. air, water, food, sleep, not have a goddamn thing to do with deserving or earning. I know you know this.

    while I respect your need/desire to lose weight, don't turn it into a punishment or it will never meaning anything when you achieve any goal you set. all of your accomplishments will turn to ash in your mouth if you insist on using them to denigrate yourself.


  4. Honey, if your inner perfection showed the whole world would explode. DON'T kill yourself with this or I'll bring you back from the dead, rip your arms off and beat you to death with the soggy ends.

    Coz I love you, okay?

    *Lots of hugs*

  5. Yeah like Kazehana said, guys look at curves and something in their brain screams "BREED WITH THAT ONE!!" Kind of like my reaction to giant bodybuilding men: "I bet he could build me a house and protect me from predators..."
    ...I know, I'm weird. But skinny guys just don't cut it.

    Good luck, and stay strong!!!

  6. first off dont u think ur over usage of stimulants re a bit more unhealthy than a pot addiction? i mean look at how much ur atrofex hurts people in the long run. in my opinion i think boy would like to spend mopre time with u not attached to a dialasis.
    second boy loves u for who u r not wat u could or do or think u could look like. wat kinda guy would boy be if boy only wanted to be with u cause of wat u look like? boy doesnt care if u gained alot of weight, he would still have u. but the sad reality of is starveing urself kills urself. and where does that leave boy wen ur gone? it leaves him alone and without u. which is worse off than if u just got big on him. ask urself wat is the point of boy wanting to spend life together with u if ur not even gonna survive that long? wouldnt he be just setting himself up for pain from loseing u?
    third is really skiny girls are really inattractive girls. if ur boy likes u the way u are than why still kill urseelf over tryin to be different? who is it ur trying to impress? the people whos opinions should mean sumthing love u how u r now. not wat ur gonna kill urself tryin to achieve in the future.
    and finaly stick figure isnt perfection, its grotesque and ugly. healthyness is beautiful. its ur right as a human to want to constantly look better but think of this. u only see urself a couple times in the mirror. boy sees u all the time. i think his opinion should count a little more and make a little bit more of a difference in how u go about changeing urself.
    people love u prettywreck. they love u for wat u to for them and how u treat them. if ur idea of being loved means people likeing u for how u look than ur gettin the wrong love from the wrong people. ur family loves u no matter wat u do cause they r a part of ur life. boy loves u cause u make his life better. just being around makes him want to be a better person and its just for u. why would u lie to him about going into a restrictive phase? why would u hid a piece of urself from him like that? wat would be the worse case scenerio by telling him? u have sum1 who loves u there and ready to help u out, sum1 who knows wat ur going through that u could talk to about it?
    and wat would be the worse case scenerio if he found out u planned to lie to him? a lack of trust from him, that seed of doubt that if u could lie about one thing wat else could u lie about being planted in his head? how sad would it be that a boyfriend couldnt trust his girlfriend to be healthy for him. how sad would it be for prettywreck to lose love cause she couldnt learn to love herself.
    u wrapped urself in a cocoon of self loathing and visions of false imperfections. this cocoon cannot yeild a buitterfly. the cocoon tha yeilds a butterfly is reserved for those who learn to love themselves and accept themselves.

  7. Huh, where I live, it's ALL about the skinny girls. With my boy mates it's literally *find skinniest girl in club* "Wow she's HOT!"

    I have a friend who squeezed into a size 0 once... absolutely TINY... and boys THROW themselves at her.

    Who are they kidding, claiming to like curvy girls? They want a hot piece of arm candy they can show off to their friends. Maybe not to make babies with, admittedly, but they want something to brag about.

    Sigh! Les hommes.

    Q x

  8. Sounds like a pretty good plan and maybe, just maybe by feeling better with your body and know that you are on a path to succes as far as you main goal is concerned, maybe you will feel a bit better emotionally as well.

    This is what i try to convice myself at least. I'm really trying not to pay attention to my suicidal thoughts (haven't been really succesfull yet)and i hope you do the same.

  9. I've had to lay off weed too, what makes me feel so free, also has the worst consequences.

    I hope you achieve the stick figure,
    I'll be very happy for you.
    But, you are beautiful however.
    Good luck, you can do it.