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Saturday, August 7, 2010

Updates

Silence follows with the passing of my laptop.
May we all give a moment's silence in mourning.

Dear Baby, you were a good piece of equipment. Our thoughts are with you. May you find peace in the repair shop you have been sent to, and perhaps be sent back repaired. If this is not the case, then may your replacement live up to the power with which you operated, and the abuse you took through being shoved in backpacks, tossed around a backseat in a speeding car, and downloading insane amounts of random items off the interwebs and having hard drives scrubbed repeatedly after bad proxy servers were loaded, viruses installed, and various porns removed in an attempt of covering tracks before parents touched your glorious keyboard.

Aaaaamen.





I'm on the Mental Diet for my gym job. Very strange. I keep winding up with the band on my left wrist.
You can't think any negative thoughts.
I've been on my period for five days, and collapsed on Thursday after a binge fest like a motherfucker at my server job. Had to be driven home by a friend, and have had a migraine since then. Collapsed again yesterday. And yeah. It's totally hard to keep myself positive through all of that.


And some weird updates. Ok. Lemme try and have this post make a little bit of sense, yeah?

My current weight? Ridiculous. My new phone? Sexy as a motherfucker. HTC MyTouch 3G Slider with T-Mobile. I am almost free of the chains of Verizon.

My current love life....?
....amazing.



I have to say, things have been....surprising, to say the least.



Boy is...different.
I'm not sure how to describe it.
Last post, I know I said I thought he was going to break up with me, and I hoped he did, but...he didn't. And I can't even begin to put into words how relieved I am that it didn't happen.
See...ugh. I don't even know how to explain it.
He knows.
About everything.
My ED. My PTSD diagnosis. I've tried to show him all the ugliest parts of me, and he sees them, and accepts them unwaveringly. I feel safe when I'm around him, uncomfortable, terrified, and just confused.
After that post, we got into a fight that lasted for a week. I said purposefully hurt things with no idea why. I ignored him, stood him up twice, avoided his calls, mocked him in front of people....
...I did terrible things.
I blamed my stress. My job. My life.
I validated it and defended it and put people on my side.
And he waited.
Patient.
When he finally snapped and we fought, I went to see him with a friend, after telling the friend to help me ditch out quick.
I got there...and didn't hug him or touch him. His friends came over. We talked a bit, and I tried to avoid the urge to jump on him, because the friend, H, had just been dumped by her boyfriend and I didn't want her to be uncomfortable. But Boy looked so defeated, sitting there txt'ing, no smile on his face, shoulders slumped. His door was covered in dents, and when I asked about them, he said, "It's the only thing that won't hit back and that I can't hurt when I do hit it." It was like something in me was breaking. He hides nothing and wears his heart on his sleeve. I had already told him over text that all this bad shit had been happening, and used it to justify my avoidance (getting kicked out, doctors appointments, etc.), so he knew there had been drama, and I really didn't want him to see it...but...still....

I wandered into his room when his friends came over. He followed a few minutes later, and I grabbed him and kissed him, trying to keep my mouth closed to cover the taste of the vomit from my purge a few hours earlier (I could NOT track down gum, damn it). We collapsed onto his bed, and I wrapped around him, and almost started crying, shaking, thinking of just how good it felt to be in his arms. He was safe. He was home. He held the back of my head and rolled me on top of him, whispering that he was falling in love with me, and begging me to talk to him, to tell him what was happening, to stay with him and not push him away anymore. I begged him to not leave me, to never make me leave, to let me stay, and to please forgive me....

...we talked. Sat there, curled up, and talked. He said something that made my heart break. Told me that what hurt the most was that I didn't feel comfortable saying when I was hurting. Because he wanted to be a part of my life, not just a piece in it. That he was there to be strong for me when I couldn't. That he wanted to help with my pain, and wanted to stand by me when I was crumbling, and keep me up when I was falling.

He's too damned good for me.
He's so god damned good for me.


Last night we talked for hours. On Thursday, I collapsed at work, and had to be driven home. My boss, CD (the assistant chef at the server job) caught me. He wound up carrying me out to my friends car. I didn't tell Boy the full details, but he found out, and since he doesn't have a car, he told me he felt so damned helpless. Last night, he called me when I woke up at 2am and we talked for hours. With my migraine, in the dark of my room, he got me to tell him things i never say outloud. That I feel dirty and broken. Why I started on my ED. He asked me questions all about it. Asked why I was doing it, about my childhood, my life. I answered everything so honestly. He said, "On Thursday, were you really sick, or were you purging?" It wasn't accusatory. He never accuses me of anything. It was curious. I try to never lie to him, but I said, "I just felt sick." And we left it at that, because I didn't want to admit this current bout of migraine and collapsing aroused from me purging. It's not from starving--I've gained seven pounds. It's from having my period for seven days of hardcore bleeding, but I'm not ready to tell him that.

I told him about being kidnapped. About what happened to me before that. About the suicide attempts, and how I feel sad everytime people say they wish they could go back to being a little kid, because this time in my life right now, despite all the pain, is the happiest i've ever been, because my childhood was hell. He told me about things that had happened to him, and at the end of the night, before bed, he said something that made me almost cry....

"I've dated girls who have had problems or who I thought were strong, but I always knew how things would end with them. You're just...you've told me things that I think if you said more about would make my blood boil, not because it's your fault, but because somebody dared to do that to you. And you know what, Pretty? I'm proud of you. I'm so fucking proud of you for surviving. For having the courage to tell me all of this and to come back to me. I'm so proud of you. And you're not going to push me away. If you are broken, it's not your fault. I think whatever it is that pulled us together did it so I can be the one to fix you. And you know what, baby? I love you. I'm falling so hard and so fast, but for the first time, I'm not scared. I'm excited. I love you, and I'm going to stay by you and get you through this."


I think something in me melted.
I'm so lucky to have found him.

My migraine is now starting to recede. I need to keep packing, because I was supposed to finish moving places, but my parents were cool with letting me put it off while I was busy...you know...being dead. On that first night, THursday, my dad apparently found me slurring in the kitchen, trying to find sugar, before I fell over and he panicked. My bad seizure migraines are coming back, but I think it has to do with 1) an addiction to Atrophex and Adderall, 2) A lack of sleep, 3) The fact that this last period lasted for over a week, and is still going on now.

HOORAH.




Oh, also, my doctor has smuggled me a months worth of antidepressants that are prescribed to patients in top ED clinics. It's very expensive shit, so I'm happy he gave it to me. He finally believed me on my disorder when the new med student took me in to take my weight, and she forgot to zero it out before I stepped off (I have to get weighed stepping on it backwards), and when I saw my weight, I flipped out and started to scream and sob. I wanted to tell the Med student sorry, but I couldn't stop trembling long enough to get the words out.

I'm so fucking obese.






When I was being carried out by my boss from my server job by him and my friend, they both made remarks: "Thank god you're so light."
When he caught me the first time I fell, I could feel his arms shaking.
I'm not that light.

But I guess I made him laugh. He grabbed my ass when I collapsed, and was like, "It's not on purpose."
I guess I looked at him with the most "duh" expression and said, "If you really wanted to grope it, you just had to ask."


We flirt all the time. But he's Boy's friend, and Boy knows that he's my favorite and the only one who really is invited to touch.

I kept joking with Boss the whole time. And my friend.
I had to keep them laughing so they wouldn't make me go to the hospital.

I hate my hormones. My ovaries.
Why couldn't I have collapsed over starving?
Oh...that's right....because I keep EATING. OMNOMNOM.
Purging is easier on antidepressants!
Ironically enough.
No...I collapse because I'm bleeding out of my VAG.
How fragile. How pretty.
(Heed my sarcasm.)

13 comments:

  1. You are absolutely everything that the Boy says you are. I am so, so glad that you have finally found someone that can support you, that you can open up to that you don't have to worry about hurting you. You don't deserve to hurt anymore.

    Your writing is funny, sharp, brutally honest and beautiful. Stay Pretty :)

    much love,
    Rose

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you. Seriously. I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you've been. I'm so glad Boy is so relentless, and is holding you tight.

    You are truly amazing.

    I hope your dearly beloved computer makes it out alright. My thoughts are with... it... Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i am flabbergasted.

    i don't know how you are the person you are after everything you have been through. you were kidnapped?!? drugs, ed, depression, etc, everything the boy said is one hundred percent true. you are amazing.

    and he seems amazing too. im really happy for you :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was reading this thinking, "Wow..." You're writing is beautiful!

    I smiled when I was reading what he said to you at the end of the night...you are truly lucky to have a guy that loves you and understands you =).

    I ♥s reading you blog btw =)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fucks sake.
    Thanks for making me even more desperate for a bloody genuine relationship haha.
    Glad you're happy..er.. happier? content? than the last time I read your blog =)

    Gem

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow. I was kinda wondering about you cuz I read your blog all the time, just never comment. wow..I read this with tears..Boy sounds really really amazing, but it made me sad cuz I had a Boy like that, that was caring and accepting, and supposedly "loved" me, but things just fell apart in a horrible mountain of bullshit that we couldn't overcome. So hold onto him..no matter how much you want to push him away, in the long run, he could be the only one you can really turn to about this stuff. I pushed the Boy away, and hooray..single life.

    But he's right, you're strong, and all you need to do is stay strong and you'll survive. That's what I do and it's working so far. Oh, and the scale thing? I have to go to the doctor's Monday and I'm deathly scared when they're gonna weigh me...

    Stay strong my darling! <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. Your boy sounds amazing. May we all find someone as wonderful as him. Hold on to this one, sweetie, because I think he just may be everything you need :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Does Boy have a brother? Because I totally want one of my own! Dear Lord, you are so damn lucky! And everything he said about you was the truth.

    Hold onto him, because this one is definitely a keeper.

    Stay strong, dear Pretty One <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Awhh :)
    Boy's so amazing! He reminds me of myboyfriend a bit except my boyfriends deffinetly more screwed up!

    Buut yeah, Boy will help you, they usually try anyway XD

    and aren't periods amazing?!
    Urm.. No.
    :)
    x

    ReplyDelete
  10. ED as a symptom of PTSD - I cannot express enough empathy.
    I have CPTSD.

    I'm glad you've found your Boy though and I hope it works out :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ive read your blog for a while but never commented.. this relationship sounds beautiful. Hold onto him, for sure. Sometimes I feel myself wanting to give up on my relationship because Ill never measure up to how amazing he is.. but he keeps on loving me, so I guess somethings going right haha.

    And btw, waitressing and not eating.. you get such a high and burn so many calories.. I always feel strong watching everyone eat their food while I can resist it. But be careful! :)

    ReplyDelete