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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Empty.


I'm not gone.

Just trying to relearn what it means to breathe again.

I keep demanding of myself "Where has my self control gone? When do I get to take it back?"
And I think this as I make food to eat when I don't need it - not even meals like normal people, but snacks and things to eat when I'm not hungry. And I hear that voice in the back of my head saying, "NOW. Now is when you take it back."
And then I ignore it.

And eat anyway.

That voice has gone so quiet. I wish I could go back to that triggering moment when I went "I can do this now" and just...stopped eating.

Anyway. Doctor thinks it's all PMDD. I've been depressed. Like...can't get out of bed, depressed. Can't move, depressed. Can't breathe, depressed. Where I feel physically ill and always cold. They think that's why I've been sick so long - because I'm not happy. Doc says it has to do with my period, and just gave me a higher dose of Adderall.

Whatever.

My head feels blank.

But at least I'm not hungry anymore.





Maybe I'm depressed because I'm eating.
I keep thinking, "I'll stop when I'm not sad anymore. I just need this to get through the day."
And I eat.
And I feel depressed, and sick from the food. And I think, "I should purge", but I don't. And I regret not purging. I regret the initial act of eating.

Maybe the key to getting control of my emotions is getting control, again, of what goes in my mouth.





This weekend, I'm throwing out all my food. Everything that's higher than 200 cals per serving. I'm cutting down to having at the MOST 1000 calories a day, with a goal of 800 calories a day by the end of the week. From there, I'll start up a schedule of how many calories I'm allowed in a single week, so if I fuck up one day, it won't feel like a complete failure, and I can make it up to myself for the other days.

I'm going to start aiming for a tops of 700, with a goal of 600 again.
I'm not touching the scale for another 2 weeks, until I get myself under control. Until I can get my life under control. The numbers cannot guide me right now.
I just have to stay strong.
No...not stay strong. I'm not strong right now.
I have to make myself strong again.

My legs feel weak and weary, made lead by weakness and the fat left in the wake of that temporary satisfaction known as food. Despite the heaviness of them, I have to stand and I have to move. There is no other way to fight the devil in my head unless I starve it out.



I will take away the fat it feasts on, and leave the purity of my bones to see my value by.
Because I don't know any other way.

9 comments:

  1. Hope you feel better soon and find what you are looking for.

    XO

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know the feeling of depression. I lost twenty pounds last fall in two months because of not wanting to eat and just sleep. Then it changed to sleep and eat all the time when I was forced to move back in with my parents. At least you have the addreall to help lose the weight. I hope you feel better though and get everything under control again. I know you can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like the plan of aiming for a weekly goal rather than a daily one. It also might help you zigzag your calories, which theoretically can boost your metabolism.

    Do you think you might have seasonal depression? That might be making everything worse as well.

    We all want you to feel better - that's really what's most important.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope you feel better soon!
    Then you can regain control, and chances are, as soon as you regain control, you'll feel a million times better.
    Stay strong....well .... get strong (:
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. awwwww i love you!!! dont be sad look how far youve come already your so inspirational i just know you can be strong again!
    we both can.
    i know almost exactly how you feel with being depressed and stuff.
    it sucks.
    and the stress of school makes it a zillion times worse.
    ily!!
    <333

    ReplyDelete
  6. Stay strong :) Depression is hard. I overate with depression for 2 years straight and was at my highest weight ever. All I thought about was how food made me feel better and how I "needed" it.. I now have the same feeling for not eating, and it's starting to power me, but I worry that I'll start binging again..
    Hope you feel better soon :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know you can regain control, it may take time, I am trying too, I suppose I know how you feel.
    I just wish things were like they were before, that I didn't care anymore.
    I suppose, things arn't that easy,
    I really hope you feel better soon :) x

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know you can regain control, it may take time, I am trying too, I suppose I know how you feel.
    I just wish things were like they were before, that I didn't care anymore.
    I suppose, things arn't that easy,
    I really hope you feel better soon :) x

    ReplyDelete
  9. In having recently come out of something similar to this I will say that not eating changed almost everything and helped me.

    If you really want it, do it.

    ReplyDelete