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Friday, July 16, 2010

My Self-Injury is named MacGuyver

Not even kidding. See the giant smiley face I carved into my leg this morning? His name is MacGuyver. He likes long walks on the beach, and when his maker doesn't eat. For noms are evil, and the body is best left purified and starved.

homnomnom. HI MACGUYVER!

Yes. I totally named my SI. I'm ridic like that. Totally need a new hobby, NOT GONNA LIE.

So I'm getting kicked out of my house. Boy has declared I'm the most perfect thing to walk this earth and I've found out that I am terribly not happy with anything. I've barely been doing anything but working, my computer has died, I have no life outside of my place of employment, I feel immensly dirty in the realm of sexual relations, and I am officially going to be attending Catholic classes come September for potential conversion.

I also handed my suicide pack to a Deacon today and went, "Ok, you can have this now, because I'm about to use it". I only went to the church for two reasons, and they rather contradicted each other. The first one was that I wanted a place to make me feel not alone, so I wouldn't be so tempted to omnomnom on some sleep aids. The second...was to be in a place where it would be quiet and peaceful enough so I wouldn't feel so alone when I did omnomnom on those sleep aids.


I feel better now. Obviously, I didn't eat them. But I did eat a KFC Sammich and fries. Most of both. I've lost 6 pounds since Monday, in the ultimate "I fucking hate my life/food/YAAAAY ANXIETY!" fast EVER. Today is the first day I've tried to get anything in, and I did it after the church, after talking to the Deacon, because I think I just wanted to stop being dizzy. I've collapsed like, twice. It's been awesome.

I still can't stand the thought of food, and I'm afraid I"m going to start craving it again. I keep hearing that I'm so skinny. The Deacon said he couldn't believe that something would exist to make a girl as beautiful as me want to end it. Boy says I'm the most perfect thing to ever exist. G, the one who was all muscled that I lusted like a loony after at the gym wrapped his hands around my waist and went, "....FUCK you're getting so tiny. You're starting to get too tiny...." and my boss C, at the gym (aka, Harry Potter) who only likes anorexics, was like, "We should have sex," which ended with, "....and then there were trannies", and it was an interesting story. I mean, we didn't have sex. And there were no trannies, but the conversation line went from us potentially sexing to there being trannies and a porcupine.

Oddly, I think he's as fucked up as I am. It makes me feel nice to know I'm not alone in my silent misery.

I feel disgusting. ANd now exhausted. Truly tired for the first time since Monday, when I stopped eating. I don't have anywhere to be. I took the night off of work. I've done my gym job. NOw I have laundry, and I don't know what else. My computer is broken, so I'm on my parents, and I won't have access to it for long since I' know...getting kicked out and all.

Fantastic times.

Woot woot.

I feel so gross for eating.

I'm going to go pop more diet pills and aderall, and maybe purge or something.
Then I'm going to sit here and feel EMO or BE LIKE "STABBY STAB STAB CONCERT" and "CUT MY WRISTS AND SLASH MY THROAT, I MUST BE EMO!" all song like.

......the end.


  1. i hope youre ok?! and you do look thin in that picture!

    p.s. im a new follower and your blog is like my most favorite thing ever <3.

  2. I agree this blog is excellent - and I reeeeally hope you are o.k. I am newish, more like I have just never commented... but you are awesome - feel better! <3 <3

  3. I agree - you are awesome - feel better - also, I'm glad that someone else has a suicide pack (I also have a special SI kit and a portable SI kit that I keep in my purse...)

  4. You are so funny but heart breaking at the same time. You have an amazing personality from what I've read through your blog and by that picture you look utterly tiny.

    Keep blogging your awesome (:


  5. honey .. honey .. are you listening??

    you deserve better.. your beautiful though and you thighs are thin :)

    but please stop the cutting.. :( hugs

  6. oh sweetie, i hope you're alright. we worry about you. i know you don't really know me, but if u ever need someone i'm totally here. [as i'm sure many many others are]

  7. Please please please don't hurt yourself!! I know that is totally contradictory coming from someone like myself who hurts myself by starving on a daily basis, but in my messed up little mind, I feel like it is somehow safer than cutting? Totally not true, I know, but at least people can't see the immediate effects of starving! Maybe just go somewhere alone and let out a good scream? That's what I do when I can't take it. And then I have a good long, hard cry, and I usually feel a bit better.

    Love you! xoxo

  8. This post gets crowned Queen of Emo!
    //insert ceremony music here or uk national anthem or something//

    Well I hope it makes you feel better to know you have us. And to know we don't think you're perfect. We know you're fucked like the rest of us and love you dearly for it. :) <333 And please don't die. My blog roll wouldn't be the same without you. You're like our very own JennaMarbles.

  9. you are SO FUNNY

    congrats on your six pounds!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. I adore you. I don't know you (all that well), I don't see you any and/or every day (or do I??? Dun-dun-dun), and still I feel like it's a huge cal-free treat to read your blog. I'm sorry you're having such a shit-bad day, and I hope McGuyver heals up well. I'm glad you didn't OD on sleeping pills, and I'm glad that you handed your suicide baggy to the whos-it. I'm glad you're going out for some help of sorts, whatever it is, with whomever. Fuck KFC, they can suck your hardcore awesomeness. Fuck the kicked-out thing, you are awesome (need I mention 'hardcore' as well? sure, okay, then) hardcore to take care of what needs to be taken care of. All that negative sucktastic crap can take a fat juicy twinkie and SUCK IT. Not you, though, because YOU are waaaaay too awesome for any of that sucktastic shit.

    If any of this makes sense, I award you with the amazing power of SUPER-DUPER-HARDCORE. It is, indeed, a super-power. Use it wisely.

    With that, I love you, I adore you, I'd like to think that one day, (when I'm thin and hot enough) we can have crazy rabbit sex for the hell of it... If you want. (Seriously, I have to get thin first. You, on the other hand, are so smokin' hot awesome that this whole me-getting-hot thing may take awhile, because I'm going to be so damn shy and retarded around you... ps: I stalk you, and live under your bed. I may also have had a few too many drinks, but I like to think you'll forgive me for that.)

    PS: Rock on.
    PPS: Ditto.
    PPSS: I've successfully creeped myself out, to a teensy degree.
    Cheers? (Whoa. I'm going to bed now.)

  11. I'm laughing at the idea of naming your SI. Oh, my, god! You are a genius!

    I'm so fucking GLAD you handed your suicide kit to the Deacon. I really don't wanna have to seance your ass up to kick it all over the Canterbury plains! Seriously, who's gonna keep my in my rightful place IN THE KITCHEN if you don't? Miles is too modern for that sort of shit!

    Btw, I totally want to get some cocoa butter or Bio-Oil and massage it into your sexy legs to fade the scars. Mac-Daddy-G can be immortalized in ink, but the rest can fuck off.

    I love you, don't have an Emo-McStabby party tonight. Go kill shit on the internet. Unleash the rage on pixels and laugh sadistically.

    *Smothers you in hugs*

  12. Tag, you're it! I am giving you the junkie award. You are free to feel honored at any time. <3

  13. It makes me sad that you feel you need to seriously end your life. I think you are a wonderful, beatiful person and it seems like all the people in your life know that.

    I know what you're going through, really, so I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.

    If boy thinks your the most wonderful think on the earth, then spend more time with him. He will lift your mood, hopefully.

    BTW, I'm also going to be attending catholic conversion classes this October. Husband is catholic and I feel it would just be easier for our relationship and for when we do get around to poping out some spawn. So, I'll be right there with you if you want to talk about it.