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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What is this boyfriend thing you speak of?

Dear Life:


So, new serving job is hella fun. And I had two clients today, and I think I might have more if I work at it. I'm currently working three jobs, and I'm so high strung, that I'm actually getting the violent shakes. It's seriously fucking nuts.
Could also be the lack of food?
You'd think my lack wouldn't be so BIG, because of all the shit I shovel into my gob, yet still reaching up to something like, 1400 calories yesterday, I woke up and was at 124.4 this morning, from 126.6. I hate number patterns, and for me to have lost 2.2 pounds so much? Is starting to make me want to drop kick my scale, or myself.
But they're comforting. But NOT. THEY ARE IRRITATING when they come to my weight.
I don't know. They make me happy to see them, because I sort of attach and wonderful symbolism to them, but then I get so anxious about them sometimes, that I get ridiculously panicky over it.

Anyway, the reason why life is confusing.

Life is confusing because Katie Perry can suck my cock. California girls got nothin on the girls where I'm from. Why do I say that?

I currently have a choice.
I've met the most amazing guy.
He's....everything I think I've been whining about not finding. I can be so ME around him. We work together at my server job, and we met up today for lunch, and he didn't even bat an eye when I just got a diet pepsi and no food. We had an intense discussion as to whether Chuck Norris or Abe Lincoln would win in a fight to the death (and of course, the answer is Lincoln--he has a better beard, and that is the key to their strength), how much studying I would need to become an undead elimination specialist versus just your run of the mill zombie hunter, and then his friend joined us and I discovered they have the habit of breaking out into random ninja fights with swords, and his friends jaw hit the table when I announced that I must be present to participate in the next.

The gym has a different type of folk, and I love them, but I think being around this boy (let's call him R, and his friend, M), has made me realize that...holy know how long it's been since I've been just me?
Like...just me. Just me, in all my chilled, fucked up, awkward glory. Just...sitting back, making your mom jokes, poking fun at people, making references to old Star Trek episodes and Trogdor, and knowing other people who find tag or sword fights to be as fulfilling of spending a Saturday night as I do.

And...I think he and I might be dating. Or very close to it. Shit just...happened quick. I met him on my first day working as a server (he works security at the place), and next thing I know....we're texting back and forth. YESTERDAY was my first day. And suddenly today?
We meet for lunch...he doesn't question when I only order a diet pepsi. We talk. Laugh. Just...chill.

And he messages me with the cutest things. "Your smile is cute as a button, but its your laugh that I really love".
My laugh is so geeky.
So is his.
His nose wrinkles. His eyes go wide, then scrunch up.
He's adorable.

He makes me smile when I start to hate me.
He brings out a playful side to me. The side that wants to play videogames and make bad jokes and smoke hookah and watch terribly awkward anime and cartoons and have a best friend and a relationship and just be...if not normal...then happy.
He makes me want to be happy.
Two days, and it's weird, but I just...feel like my whole world has shifted in that time.

Like...he scares me.
Absolutely terrifies me.
Because I just...I don't even want him to know about my past. About the cult, or what she did to me, or what happened when I was a kid.
I don't want him to know there's anything damaged there.
I don't want him to see how ruined I am.
I want him to like me.

He does pot. But he says I'd be his perfect reason to quit. He says he only smokes occassionally. He'd be willing to sit through a Firefly marathon with me.
He knows Invader Zim like I do.
He makes Your Mom jokes.

But yeah.

And there was more. More relationship nonsense, another option I have, but...I think R and I might...I don't know.
I think this could be good? Healthy? Special?
I'm like a kicked dog. An abused one.
I like people like G, generally. Who are drug addicts, partying too hard using women and tossing them aside. I've been flirting with people and looking for someone and none of it works, and I think it's because I keep going for people who I know it won't work with. And he just...literally came outta nowhere, and I'm so very confused.

I feel so fat today, too. And it's strange. I'm so scared of him, and of this...and I keep hating myself the more we talk, but I don't stop talking to him?

I'm very hungry.
My body fat is down to 23.5%. But I'm still very gross.
I keep hearing I'm thin.
That I'm pretty.
That I'm something special.
I'm not.

I never have been.
I never will be.
It makes me sad sometimes.

Me and my unspecial, fat tummy.

I feel like he'd accept me. If he knew. All of it. That he'd be okay with it.
And that's the reason I think I need to hide it from him most.

So silly of PrettyWreck.
Why couldn't this be easy and I fall for a girl with big boobies? Vaginas are so much less scary and they are so familiar to me. Girl relationships.
Of course, I did. But...K is now engaged.
And....oddly....thinking about R? I'm okay with his lack of tits.
Maybe that'll change.
If any of you have read me, you all know how fickle I am.
Man, woman, whatever.

Done now.
I keep getting distracted.
Sorry if this entry sucks.


  1. Wow, R sounds like exactly my type of guy, good for you : )

  2. I wish you had more confidence in yourself, because you are something special! You are pretty, and you ARE thin! That picture looks amazing, you look amazing.

    I hope the boy works out! He sounds great :)
    Have a fantastic evening!

  3. DUDE.

    He's a mothercunting KEEPER. lol

    Even if you keep him just as a friend for infinity, it's ok. But keep him.

    And you don't have to tell him everything, all at once. Just trust him to accept you as you are RIGHT NOW, that he digs who you've become and who you will blossom into as he sees you move ahead.

    Girl, don't even trip.


  4. Secret : You're thin, thin, thin, thin, SKINNY!!

    Hold on to that boy, lovey, cos if you don't I'll find my way up there and steal him for myself. Wherever did you find such a suitable suitor =p

    Love Lia xox

  5. He sounds so perfect for you! I'm happy you found someone you can mesh with so well. I really felt this way when I first met my husband. I just knew he was the one for me.

    Also, your tummy is so flat and yummy. I'm so jealous...mine looks like a bowl of lumpy pudding.

  6. yay for cute boys..or girls. :)

    seriously any guy worth his salt should be able to quote firefly randomly..or JTHM, though that's a lil less mainstream.

    i totally understand the feeling of needing to push away or hide from someone who feels right. i'm kind of in that situation myself.

    now that i'm finally single, i find myself totally attracted to unavailable or unbalanced men. i think i'm sabotaging myself unwittingly.. whatever.

    hope things work out, and be nice! california girls are not all me, i'd know :)

  7. OMG! I LOVE Zombie talk and Firefly! He sounds like my husband! MAJOR KEEPER, and I don't even know you! :) BTW, you are beautiful! :)

  8. OMG HE IS PERFECT. I wanna come hang out and watch Firefly with you guys and wrap my arm about your delicious little waist :p

    . . . I'll be in my bunk ;)

    Take some time to chill out and relax, hun. All work and no play makes very dull day!