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Thursday, July 29, 2010

I am loved, and confused as to why.

I thought Boy was going to break up with me, and frankly, I was relieved. Playing the normal heterosexual female is tiring. But then he says that he wasn't trying to. He was nervous about telling me that he thinks I'm "the one".
"The One"?
Well take me to the Matrix and call me Neo!

.....right. I'm not sure what to say to him. I turned off my phone.

How do you respond to that?
I've tried to be as ugly as possible for him. He's seen my disorder. Gets frustrated at my refusal to give him a picture of me because I hate them. He hears me hate myself all the time. I've even stood him up on a date.
Yet still...I'm The One.
The One.
No pressure there.
Just the singular person he's meant to be with for the rest of eternity.
ANd I still can't get over the lack of tits he has.
I still see him as a temporary fling that I'll recover from.



Hung out with a girl from work today.
And her boyfriend.
I realized part way through that...she had told him about me.
In depth.

She told him things I had said. That I was "freaking amazing". He knew stories of times when I had exploded at our new boss at the gym. Had heard about the weird shit I'd said to her. She was laughing about the way I first said hello, with a joke that was, "You know how you are what you eat? (Cups bellybutton and poofs out stomach) BAGEL!" She was like, "She has NO insecurity. Isn't she just amazing?" She let me borrow her swimsuit and we went into the pool. Watched Invader Zim. And her friends? Knew about me.
Like...I had something to live up to.
They invited me out either tomorrow or this weekend.

My friend, KJ we'll call her, who I've known since high school....her boyfriend P keeps trying to get me to hang out with him. Says he misses me.
V, my ex girl I dated for a while, says she misses me and now that we're friends again, remembers why she loved me.

KG, another girl I was friends with, messaged me out of the blue about how much she misses me...'s like the universe is trying to tell me that I'm cared about. I've given up trying to please everyone, and suddenly....suddenly I have clients hugging me. I have people buying sessions out of nowhere. I have constant reminders that I'm somehow special, even though I'm not.

And the only thing I'm hung up on is that I got yelled at at work.
Like that's all that matters.
I feel like a failure for fucking up. For not being good enough. For being bad. For being terrible.
BIg boss won't be there tomorrow.
I just feel like a fool there right now.
Because I showed up at exactly the appointment time, and wasn't wearing my work shirt. And I know it's not allowed, but fuck it, I was rushed. C, one of the bosses, said it shows that I don't care, and that the client isn't important.
Which is exactly why she hugged me at the end of the session and thanked me repeatedly for being the "first person to have her best interest in mind".
For being someone who's "passionate, caring, and honest".
I'm totally not good with my clients.
I showed up at exactly 1 for a 1pm appointment and had to rush to get the shit together because they TOOK MY DESK AWAY FROM ME so all my prepared paperwork was fucked up, and that was my one flaw.
I drive one of my clients home every session.
I take calls at 2am from others who are depressed.

I've taken cold medicine to one when she was laid up sick.

BUt of course, my lack of being twenty minutes early....? Is evidence that


That's me.
Callous as can be.
Not that I care at all. I'm completely selfish. Love me and don't care about them. Totally into myself. Overflowing with ego and self righteousness. There's me, treating clients like they're just for the money, and it's wasting my time to give them any session because I"m not on time, regardless of the fact that I'll do sessions for free when they're broke, or that I'll do home calls and pick up prescriptions for them. A total asshole.


He has some point, to be honest. I'm a failure for punctuality. And I did stand up a client once when I was too worn out to move or get out of bed.
But...I just have blood poisoning right now.
And still haven't had a day off.
And am puking.
And shaking.
Cold sweats.
Surviving off of diet pills and a good 13 hours of sleep a night and still exhausted.... punctuality is totally my major problem.

Fuck them.
I need to go into private contracting as a trainer.

My integrity can't handle this job much longer. Not with the diet pills they make me peddle, or the way I have to sell training as if someone is INADEQUATE and NEEDS IT. I can't play on peoples insecurities like that. I want to make them better, and make them healthier. I don't want people to wind up like me.

Rant over now.

Why do I have so much good and positive, and yet the negative still cripples me so?
I don't think the Prozac is working.


  1. Geeze, boy pressure much? o.O *Hugs*

    Heh, you have to live up to being yourself at your best. That may be hard. Lol, BAGEL!!

    Your boss is an ass. A complete fucking ass. I almost got fired from a fast food job coz I refused to upsell items to people who were seriously overweight. I just couldn't do it. The food was killing them, so WHY was I expected to make it happen faster?! ARGH!!!

    The universe is right. You are awesome and deserve to be helped out and hugged. *Makes grabby hands* I wanna hug yoooooooooooouu!! *Pouts*

  2. That's sweet that he thinks you're the one, but it doesn't mean much if you don't know it in return.

    That Bagel thing? My sister does that! And it's freaking hilarious!!!

    The Universe? Maybe just letting you know that you are significant and wanting you not to forget it.

  3. People always want what they can't have, no matter what they say, it is so true. It seems you have a lot of people in your life that care about you!

    And YUCK! What a crummy boss. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

    xo Chloe

  4. You are awesome. End of story. And the bagel joke just cracked me up! Haha. But seriously, you are awesome. :)

    And bosses suck, especially dick-heads!

  5. omg, what total douches!

    you are totally loved, by everyone here. you know that. [and i know love from strangers online doesn't really seep in most of the time, but it's true anyhow]

    i can't believe your bosses think that of you. do they know about the other stuff off the clock??

    as much as i hate to say it, most business minded people are really just about the bottom line, it's rare and precious to find someone that actually cares about the clients they work with.

    you are amazing girl, don't let them bring you down.

  6. LMFAO Bagel! I might have to steal that ahaha!

  7. really? are you suuuure the prozac isn't working? it sounds like everything is just dandy in your life right now. not wearing your work skirt is definitely your biggest problem.

    seriously though, clearly you are so much bigger and stronger than your boss. the fact that you have so much shit going on and you are still being a fucking inspiration to others? not such an easy thing to do.

    i think you are incredible. i wish you would understand just how amazing you are.

    as for your guy, i have always said that men are soooooo much clingier than women, contrary to popular belief.

  8. Why are you trying to get rid of boy?

  9. I'm sorry about your boss. He obviously doesn't see or hear about the awesome things you do everyday. He only pays attention to the "problems". So stupid. Doesn't he realize that people will work so much harder for someone if they praise their accomplishments instead of punishing their mistakes? He obviously has never attended one of those "being a good boss" workshops.

    I think, too, that it's the nature of our disordered thinking to only focus on the negatives. We may be super skinny, but all we can focus on is our arms, which we think look a little flabby. Or the day may have been otherwise fantastic, but someone made a comment that we misconstrued to mean that we are fat, and the day is ruined. It is so hard to look at all the good, and even when we do see the good, the bad is just so much clearer and louder. It sucks. I hope you can let all the good work that you do outshine the tiny negative! xoxo