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Monday, July 12, 2010



So, this weekend? Shot to hell in a handbasket. Flushed was close by, and I wound up landed on my ass the whole fucking weekend. I don't even remember most of yesterday, except for being at the gym, and suddenly starting to slur my words with a client. I drove him home, got in the house, and then the next thing I remember is waking up on the couch shaking. Got food, I think...don't remember so much what I ate, but I know I drove and got it. Took more meds than one person should be able to handle, and I passed out at some point, but I don't know when.

Today I woke up with still a lingering migraine, angry because I haven't had one that bad since I was fat (which leads me to believe that it's not just in my head that I'm gaining weight), at 5am, and had to bust ass out to my new job.

I'm now a waitress.
I'm around food.
All day.

I was so hungry by mid morning. I woofed down some crackers. And then a piece of carrot cake and some taco salad. I felt so weak while I was standing there, inhaling this food. I ate only maybe 1/3 of the taco salad, or maybe a full half, and then the full piece of carrot cake. ON a good note, I"ve gotten 1564 calories burned, and it's only 3pm. And today was a slow day.
My knee hurts.
But it's okay.
And last night, I don't know when it happened, but I think I dislocated my shoulder. I can pop one of them out of socket, like I can with my hips, and I do it sometimes when shit hurts too much to relieve the pain. It's not a full dislocation, but I can pretty much twist it in ways it shouldn't, and I fell asleep with it that way at one point, because my arm is hurting in a very strange way. I'm not double jointed out of birth, I'm double jointed out of damned necessity.

I'm also really tired.

Turned in my two weeks at my security job.
Currently wearing a petite size 4 pants. At New York and Company on Friday, I was fitting into a size 2 average, size 4 petites. Size XS average, size SM petite. My new shirts are all XS. I was getting pissed off. Because I'm not a size two.
I'm still at 126.
My waist is still 26 inches.
My body fat is only 23.5.
The pant sizes lie to me.
I'm so freaking HUGENORMOUS.

Watch the amazing PrettyWreck DEVOUR DOWNTOWN DETROIT (I don't live there, but I hear their skyscrapers are DELICIOUS)!


  1. I don't know what to write. But want you to know I read it..

  2. It's ok, this happens to all of us. You'll feel better soon :) You ARE skinny, you just have to believe it! I would kill to be your size, just so you know :)


  3. Size four is awesome, I wish I were there!!!! Eventually you'll get sick of the food you're around so hang in there! ALSO, I sent you a request on twitter and you haven't approved me yet?!? Scarlet_Tbeauty is my twitter btw. Okay good luck this week!

  4. I think right now is a great time to say that I absolutely unequivocally adore you. I think, were we in the same town, on the same floor, we'd be wonderful friends. I hope you feel somewhat the same. Good day.

  5. WOW HOW IN THE HELL are you burning so much and how are you able to do it girl?? i find that if i go to the gym to much or exercise i eat more .. :/ maybe that's normal?

  6. hahah I love it! The nommonster!!! Super scary ;)

  7. Your sense of humor is really fantastic. :-) Your blog always makes me smile.

    Stay strong and beautiful!

  8. *Resurrects after dying of giggle-fit-induced hypoxia* Fucking Nommonster! I'll fly to America and head it off in Detroit. Leave the skyscrapers ALONE biarch!!

    Aww crap! *Huggles* I wanna give you some panadol and massage your headache away. Does that work for migraines?

    Look after yourself Pretty!!

  9. While I was browsing on Ana sites, I found yours, and I had to giggle...

    I laugh because you weigh my goal weight... I am living proof it could be worse... I am size 18, Waist, probably 45 or 50", 210 lbs, and body fat is probably about 40%, only because I am pretty muscular under all the fat... Count you blessings, cause even when I was at my smallest about 6 years ago, I was 128, and a size 6.

    Always remember it could be worse, and it'll get better. This moment is just this moment, and nothing more. :)

  10. you are officially my light at the end of the tunnel durring the week, i love reading your blog.

    oh no! not the nommonster!!!! it's ok, we can slay that food beast inside you together. i'm sure we've all been there.

    i'm sorry that you're feeling migraine-e. sometimes weird drug induced sleep will do that to ya.

    hopefully being around food all day and seeing it prepared will cure you of ur desire for it. i know it's happened to friends of mine before, hopefully one of the chefs are really gross. :P

    hope you feel better!!

  11. Thank you for following, and for your comment!

    I feel like I should ask your permission to have a couple of your writings saved on my computer for easy reference. (personal use only, promise)



  13. Holy hell, if I were you I would not be able to get up-- too much exercise, too many drugs...

    Pant sizes might SEEM like they lie, but if you're working out that much, maybe the discrepancy between weight and size has more to do with muscle gain?

  14. this made me smile ;)

  15. ahh I can dislocate my hips too! :}

    I LOVE your blog by the way, I just read every single one of your posts up to the most recent!

    good luck with the weight loss girll.