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Monday, July 19, 2010

......woah o.o

...fifteen unapproved comments in the space of hour?
I'm not sure who linked to me, but whoever did, I fucking love you. Thank you to everyone for all the love. You guys rock my literal pants off.
No joke. I'm now sitting here sans trousers.
(Not really. I have them on still. But I wish I could rip them off....I'm at my job I'm close to quitting, so it's really hard to RESIST that temptation, too!)

I think I'm turning bullimic.
I broke my vow and purged in a public facility. Two times in two days. I've lost almost 7 pounds these past 7 days, but as many of you like me out there know, almost seven is not yet seven, and fifty still wouldn't even be good enough. I've come to the firm conclusion that I don't think I'll ever be done in my own mind. There will always be flaws and faults, and I'll just have to keep going until something happens to make me stop.

To those of you reading this considering getting into the disorder, or returning from your recovery, take this as your message to stop.
A friend of mine on another site died from this fairly recently. And I find myself toeing the same line she did. She collapsed while running, and injured her head, falling into a coma before she finally perished. Only a year older than me.
I've collapsed--not quite fainted--three times.

This is life. This is life slowly slipping.
I hope you enjoy watching me plummet. I enjoy sharing my fall.
Live vicariously through me, but do not repeat these mistakes. I am an entertainer, here to martyr myself for your amusement.

Part of me feels slightly bitter, though I think that's the jalapeno cheese I just regurgitated. I don't feel anymore depressed. The Prozac my shrink gave me was supposed to help control the impulses to binge and purge, but in fact, it only makes it easier to starve, and I feel much more calm when I throw up. My fingers pet that flap of flesh that separates lungs from gullet, and the food comes up like a gentle tide from my mouth. I've even stopped freaking out when a little bit of the toilet water splatters on my face. The sensation of winning by losing is so much more precious to me.

I went shopping.
Pulled on a pair of size 3's. They fit loosely.
Took a size 2 dress, just for a bit of fun, to see how far off I was from fitting. Took a size 4, which is my normal.

The 4 slipped off my shoulders.
The 2 fit me like a charm.

I bought it.
I can't afford it. But I think I would have died if I didn't walk out right then with that dress.

Up close and personal with a set of the most hideous calves you've ever seen rocked in a little black dress:

Front view of the nastiest tits to ever exist on a 23 year old body:

I got it for my brothers wedding, technically. And the woman who was running the dressing room said it looked "sexy". I plan to wear a white lace cami under it, to hide the tits, and also the nastiness of the bra and gross underarms and flabby skin on the side.

How is it that I'm so large, and yet wear something that's a size 2? I see that I'm getting tinier, but it's like...I don't exactly know how to word it.... taking me, and shrinking me, but...keeping the fat?'s still there. The shapes and rolls and nastiness. They're all still there.
But they're just...smaller versions now.
I wish I could lose weight in my nose.
It's gigantic.
It and my ears speak volumes to my Jewish and....uhm...elephant? heritage? I don't know. I know the nose is my Jewish side. The ears must be because someone in my families past bumped uglies with Dumbo. Can't think of anything else.

I love you all. Have my babies.
Wish me luck.
I was 120 this morning.
I want to be down to 119 by tomorrow. Or 119.something. Just so long as I see that drop to under 120, but I doubt it. I ate too much, and didn't throw it all up, because I fail like that.



  1. You so fucking rock. I just bow at your feet which happen to have very generic white socks. Your hips must be so small because I had to weigh less than 120 to fit into size 2's.

    You've come to far. I hate my nose too. I swear if I had rhinoplasty I'd lose half a pound.

  2. Sorry to hear you lost a friend.

    On a brighter note, that is a fabulous dress!

  3. I love reading your blog. You're beautiful (even if you don't think so but it's not your decision it's mine LOL)

    But yeah, keep up the great work! =]

  4. It looks great! and your boobs are fine, take it from someone who had E cups! o.O

    and I'm signing up to join the rhinoplasty club too. Mine looks too bulbous.

  5. You're skinny and beautiful and perfect the way you are. Now that's what I'm supposed to say.

    Here's what I feel like saying: I will fucking smother you with a pillow in your sleep if you dare die on me.

    Cut it out! Now!

    DId you listen to me?
    Did you consider listening to me?

    I am sad.
    ANd the world is hideous.
    SO thankyou very much prettywreck.

    vanilla finnegan

    ps- i.. love .. you. :)

  6. The dress is very nice....this boy sounds sweet...keep him around :) you were one of the first blogs I started reading a few weeks ago. I just started mine today. keep smiling...we don't want anything to happen to you!

  7. i'm not sure how to follow you...there is no link...can you help me out?

  8. I know what you mean. I distrust my scale. I distrust sizes. But trust me, you look gorgeous in that dress.

    On a more serious note, I am really sorry there are people who need to be warned that this isn't a fun whim to follow, or a self-indulgent choice. But your warning is one of the best I've read.

  9. I've been reading your blog for a long time, and I finally got around to getting my own so I could really be a part of this community. I just wanted to say I totally relate to practically everything you say. I would never, ever wish this on someone else, yet, for some reason, it's great for me! I'd love it if you read my blog or told people about it:

    Keep on hangin in there

  10. YUM. I'm lusting after you, PrettyWreck :) do you see that waist? You have no authority to call yourself anything other than hot, right now. I'll gladly have your babies.
    I think that your warning is fabulous. Some girls... The read and think that these posts are just stories. That this unhealthy disorder is some fancy party. That, if they don't like it they'll be able to stop, to ever look in a mirror and love the view. That the depression and SI isn't really what happens, or that it would be worth it...

    If I could go back to the chubby girl in 7th grade and stop her from starving, I would.


  11. I'm overcome by mind-numbing lust.

    Another Bud Light, Mistress? :p


  12. hey lady are you wearing a body bugg?? :) I love mine! (it looks like you are.)
    beautiful dress, congrats on the size 2!! very exciting. celebrate the small steps otherwise we'll all drive ourselves crazy... more so.

  13. You are totally rocking that dress girl! You're HOTTTTT!!

  14. Size 2??? Dahhhling, you're doing a-mahhh-zing ;) I know it's hard to see on yourself, because we are all our own worst critics, but you look so good! Also, I think I may have the same phone as you lol.

    But I totally know what you mean when you say you still feel fat even in a size 2. I feel exactly the same way. It's like I don't feel like I deserve to be wearing such a small size when I feel like a whale, but somehow the zipper slides right up. It's bizarre. Then I freak myself that maybe the dress was labeled wrong and it is actually a size 8, or maybe the store makes their clothes run large to make fat Americans feel better about themselves. But whatever. We can't help the size on the dress or the jeans, we can only keep going if and until we are satisfied.

    Stay strong! xoxo

  15. that is a beautiful dress on you. sorry about your friend.
    stay strong babes. :)

  16. I often worry that girls who suddenly stop blogging have suffered a similar fate as your friend. I figure as long as they are blogging about their troubles then they're okay. "Okay" is definitely a relative term.
    May I ask who it was?