I'm strange, so I'm not going to really write much detail about my own inner emotions or affections at this moment.
What I will do is say this,
shame on you girls (and boys)!
How can two of the most awesome people in the world, who comment a LOT on mine and other peoples blogs, still have so little followers?
Go molest the FUCK outta Hana's blog with your help and your love, and then go sex up (not literally, because she's totally under age of consent) our Crazy Angel, who admittedly is MUCH younger than my general limit for following, but what can I say? An interesting blog is an interesting blog.
Just, you know, don't encourage into bad habits too much. But that's an overall rule. Love, accept, encourage, but don't be like, "STARVE YOU FAT BITCH!" because then I'll have to hunt you down and stab you in the eye with a broom handle. Then the cops will get involved, and then I'll have to pull out the rake, and there'll be the whole issue with trying to get the shovel removed from evidence again and really, it's just a mess. A big mess.
I'm really out of it right now. Barely sleeping.
On a good note, while my eating has been shit, I've fallen into something of a more "normal" eating pattern? I think my head is fragile right now, which is...weird to say.
I've been becoming increasingly dissassociative. Today when I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, I had the strangest feeling that my hands weren't my hands. That they belonged to someone else. That I couldn't control what they were doing. I've been functioning on auto pilot in all but my trainer job, and even then, I feel myself crumpling when no one is looking, then as soon as I go to walk out, my whole body suddenly switches on, the smile going on high voltage, the energy pumping up, my shoulders rolling back with pride and confidence. Slipping between two personalities and I'm not sure which holds the title of "This is actually me". I think it's both me. Just...with a rift, at the moment.
Today I got distracted from getting ready for twenty minutes by watching the way my belly button moved.
I see things flitting by out of the corner of my eye. In front of my eyes. My body always aches. My head starts going to strange things, entertaining odd ideas. I've snapped and kicked the handle off of a desk. I've kicked a dent into a wooden door that's three inches thick and solid as can be. Not out of anger, but out of a feeling of boredom that overwhelmed me and made me want to explode, it was so painful. I've started entertaining the notion of illegal substances again, though I swore to myself I would never use them. NOt meth, never meth, but ephedra is currently within my reach, and the taste of it, albeit as of yet not experienced by myself, is something that my tongue is aching for. If it means I can stay awake, and keep at bay the exhaustion that is always dogging my heels? Then perhaps, perhaps it is worth it.
I feel like my head is stretched. And I've lost all thoughts of food, or past traumas, or anything that means anything, and have just started moving, because if I thought beyond the self preservation of day to day...the too taught strings of this mental violin would snap. They've gotten close before. Pulled to the point of tension until I was screaming and rushing to my therapist.
It's a strange thing indeed.
But I love my trainer job.
I feel complete there.
I feel whole there.
It's odd, to be so passionate. It's never a chore to be my trainer self. Well, I mean, it is. It's a challenge, and exhausting, but I can't tell you how much I love that challenge. Yesterday, we got the results for one of my favorite girls. She had lost over 2% body fat in 10 days. Had lost an inch and a half off of her waist. Her bicep caliper test went down from being able to grasp 18mm of body fat to only 13. That was the one witht he biggest change. I had to redo her measurements multiple times, just to see if they were accurate. Then she started to scream and cry, and hugged me so had I couldn't breathe, and I had goosebumps, and I literally ran out and showed her off to other trainers, and another client who is also part of the ex-fat-girls club (which is what me and another female trainer, who had also been in the 30+ BMI range, call ourselves). Everyone was so happy, and my boss even got excited. They all reminded her about plateaus, too, which is a huge relief, because she needs to hear about the dangers of it from more than just me, and that she has to hold on to this joy when she hits that plateau.
But I promised her, when I took her on as a client, and she was so desperate and crying, and worried about paying, that I would do everything in my power to make sure that she never was at that weight again. I give her every third session for free, if not more. I told her if she does two sessions with me a week, then I'll give her every other session that week that she wants without her having to pay. I'm getting a waitressing job, so I'll be able to spend more time with her. It's about the money, yes, but I want to make sure she's better. That she never hurts like she did again, and when she said I didn't have to do that, I told her, "I made you a promise that I was going toh elp you, and I want to make sure that I keep my end of the deal. I'm going to do everything I can to help you get where you want, and to make sure you're happy with yourself, ok?" Which had also made her cry, lol!
But to see someone so happy, and to sit there, and realize, without a single doubt in my mind, that I helped to cause that, and that I am a positive influence in someones life?
...there's nothing more beautiful than that.
I never felt so happy as when I walked out of there. All day yesterday was spent reveling in the realization that I'm in the right career. That I'm in a spot where I can help people, and give them the tools they need. That what I'm doing is not only fun, but valuable, and that I don't need to feel so guilty about having such a great time at work. Because I do. I feel like because I'm not bored, or because it doesn't feel like work, that I'm somehow not doing it right. That I'm not earning my pay. I feel guilty for getting paid sometimes for having clients that I can double over in laughter while talking to, or wind up spending an extra hour with them off the clock because we can't stop telling jokes. But then something like this happens, and I realize, holy shit. I'm actually doing my job. I'm helping people. I'm having fun and getting results, and I'm doing it well!
I think if I didn't have that right now, I'd go insane.
I think when I get out of my security job, into a serving job, I'll feel better. Just the...feeling of going insane from having to switch so often through the day between what I love, to what I hate--of having to go from happy, self-motivated, people who are almost all friends and don't gossip, to the beaurcratic, dramatic, boring, back stabbing environment of the security job--is putting me through the ringer. Plus, the working 14 hours without...you know...real weekends...........
I'm not even gonna say my weight.
Go follow those people.
And if you comment on me regularly, and I don't visit you a lot, or you don't have more than like, 30 followers, totally let me know, ok? I hate when people comment a lot but don't get the return love theyd eserve, and I'm so damn busy all the time that it makes it nearly impossible for me to go reading blogs like I used to, so this is like, the least I can do--pimping you I mean. Trying to tell more people to check you out. Consider it my "Until I get more free time in my day" way of giving you all love, ok? So let me know, and I'll give you props in another post to hopefully get you guys more love and support.
And I'll pimp you because, let's face it. I am Daddy. And all ya'll are mah bitches.
I'm going to go have coffee now.
(If you really want me to pimp you, post in your comment, "PIMP ME HARD, DADDY!" ....I seriously gotta see how many of you guys do this XD I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!)
STAY STRONG GIRLIES AND BOYOS!
I'm off to go track down my diet pills and adderall.