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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Surra de Pink Eye, and other related atrocities

Me: Can I lick you?
Friend: ...what? WHY?!
Me: I'm low on protein and craving beef, so I figured I'd see if I could lick a cow.
Friend: .....fuck you.
*five minutes later*
Me: Can I lick you?
Friend: NO!
Me: I'm craving sugar, and honey, you're sweet as can be!
Friend: ....*Facepalm*


**


Client: ...you LIKE him, don't you? G?
Me: Is it that obvious?
Client: Oh, honey, you can tell you both got something going on for each other.
Me: Seriously? He is so out of my league.
Client: ....what?
Me: What? He's...well...him. And I'm still a fat kid!
Client: ....come here.
Me: .....why?
Client: I'm going to fucking hit you now, you stupid skinny whore.
Me: I--NO--*Gets hit* ACK! OW! DAMN IT!



Client: ....[finishing off story]...and this grown woman was pointing with her kids and laughing at me. I could hear them calling me names about my weight! *Looking pissed*
Me: Are you fucking SERIOUS?
Client: Yeah! I mean, they were beautiful. They were a skinny, beautiful family, don't get me wrong, but how can you be happy if you're sitting there, a grown woman, ruthlessly mocking bigger people with your preteen daughters? Can you imagine the damage you're doing to them?
Me: That's a fucking Eating Disorder waiting to happen right there!
Client: OH MY GOD RIGHT?
Me: You know what you should do?
Client: Hm?
Me: Get a big cookie. And then sit there in your bathing suit the next time you see them, and eat it. Just all *Makes orgasm face and pretends to nom* OMNOMNOM OMFG this cookie is SOOOO good! Oh, yes *Moans* I'm so lucky my husband loves me just the way I am....Oh I love being this happy....Mmmmmm
Client: *Cracks up* Oh that is the best revenge!


**


Boy: A personal trainer? Damn. I was wondering how you got so fit.
Me: *After having just come fresh outta session w/ therapist regarding skewed body image, curious look* Haha, thanks! Yeah, I still have a lot more to go, but it's nice to know it's appreciated.
Boy: I think you're set as you are.



Boy: [Sent later in txt] It was awesome 2 meet u. I couldn't stop staring the whole time your so gorgeous. Hit me up & we can go to movies or hang out later.




**



Excerpts from my day.
Binged yesterday. But honestly? I have no regrets.
Regrets won't help. I hated myself at the time, but now there's nothing to do but fix the damage done.
Today is liquids. I'm on a V8 juice with having already drinken half of a Monster Light, chocolate flavor (OMNOMNOM SO DELISH). Tuesday I burned 2740 calories, yesterday was 2477. Today, I wanna reach 2500. Might run a little bit. Not sure yet. Depends on how I feel when I get off work.
Had therapy, then a client, now at my security job.

My weight is 123.2 yesterday, 124.8 today from the binge, but 123.8 before going into my security job.
On a good note, in the past month, while my weight hasn't much changed, my measurements have.

My waist yesterday was an exact 26 inches (prebinge, not sure about now), having gone down from 26.5 inches. My body fat has gone down from 25%, to 23.8%. I'm getting closer to my goal of having it around 18%. Slowly but surely!
My bodybugg program has me at almost 10% bodyfat for when I reach my goal weight! I wonder if that's possible without wearing myself into the ground? O.o

HOORAH.

I now own two pairs of shorts.
I get strange looks, and flirted with a lot.
Which confuses the fuck outta me.
My legs JIGGLE and like...get squeezed by the shorts when I sit down.
SO LONG AS I AM STANDING AND STANDING STILL I look fine.
When I walk?
WATCH OUT TOKYO
GODZILLA IS ON HER WAY!






Because razing Tokyo, stomping through villages, and breathing fire out of my massive snout is a full time job, you guys. It's exhausting, be a large she beast of mammoth proportions. I'm short, but wide, and I will steam roll you like the flea you are! LOOK OUT
DON'T MAKE ME SMACK YOU WITH MY THIGH FAT!






OH SPEAKING OF AWKWARDLY SHOVING YOUR FAT INTO PEOPLES FACES
WATCH THIS CHUBBY GIRL PERFORM THE MOST DISTURBING DANCE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER
AND SHOW YOU WHERE PINK EYE COMES FROM!
You have to get at least 40 seconds into it, ok? Just...for what she does to that poor guy.


18 comments:

  1. I love your posts, and I feel EXACTLY the same way about my thighs and shorts. Godzilla made me laugh.

    Get you with the guys ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. God that video is gross!

    Her thighs are thicker than his body and her ass is like 3 times the size of the poor guy's head! WTF!!!?

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  3. OMG! That video is hilarious. Holy crap... She almost hit him in the face twice with her shoes!!!

    Gross.

    Also, congrats on the great therapy session and smaller waist!! :-)

    Love!

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Regrets won't help. I hated myself at the time, but now there's nothing to do but fix the damage done."

    So true. No point in sitting around feeling bad about it (although that is surely hard not to do). It's better to look at the future & try to do better in it.

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  5. OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD. SO WRONG!!!

    Lol, you could see him keeping a careful eye on her ass after she stood up. It was like "Is it gonna attack again? 0.0

    Ugh, I have massive fat deposits at the top of y thighs just like she does. 'Scuse me, Imma go do leg lifts until my legs fall off *Gags*

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  6. What the FACK! Poorrrrr guy:( Her legs made me proud of mine. Good job on the workouts! You're a madwoman!

    E.

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  7. You are by no means fat and so gorgeous.

    I wish you could see it too. :)

    Hang in there you little exercising machine!

    xoxo
    Vanilla Finnegan

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your story about the happy client made me cry. Why the fuck does your blog always make me want to cry? lol I love it, and I laugh too, but shit... you seem to live at the perfect angle to access all my nerves. I guess the happy and sad nerves. <3 ya though.

    btw... that vid was fucking hilarious!

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  9. hahaha just compare her ass and his head: HILARIOUS
    and so pathetic..

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  10. It looks like he's trying to get away..

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  11. Om dear god, I feel so sorry for that guy- he looked horrified the entire time! Your sense of humor is great, I love it! And you burned 2740 freaking calories? That's amazing! It would take me ages to burn that much. The Godzilla thing was hilarious! I hate my thighs in shorts, especially when I run on the treadmill. I'd give anything to get rid of the jiggle. I think God was in a bad mood when he created women's thighs or something...

    ReplyDelete
  12. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (at the video)

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  13. I'm assuming all the people you know aren't blind, so you must be *hot stuff*! Work it!

    I feel the same way about shorts. Why can't I find shorts with an inseam longer than 3 inches? I have to sit a certain way so my thighs don't ooze into this pool of grossness.

    xoxo

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  14. my sister kept asking me what was wrong with me as i maniacally laughed at your silly antics =P

    well okay maybe it was more a continuous giggle,
    but i enjoyed your stories =P

    i'm glad your waist is going down hunn !
    keep up the fab work,
    and just accept it when people call you a babe cuz you obvs are. =]

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG SHE IS GOING TO KILL HIM WITH HER ASS!

    fuck. poor man.
    and good for you. you must look amazing and you should shove it in people's faces with your short shorts. im so inspired to work out now !

    ReplyDelete
  16. I got pink eye after watching this -.-

    love your blog

    ReplyDelete