Surra de Pink Eye, and other related atrocities

Me: Can I lick you?
Friend: ...what? WHY?!
Me: I'm low on protein and craving beef, so I figured I'd see if I could lick a cow.
Friend: .....fuck you.
*five minutes later*
Me: Can I lick you?
Friend: NO!
Me: I'm craving sugar, and honey, you're sweet as can be!
Friend: ....*Facepalm*


**

Client: ...you LIKE him, don't you? G?
Me: Is it that obvious?
Client: Oh, honey, you can tell you both got something going on for each other.
Me: Seriously? He is so out of my league.
Client: ....what?
Me: What? He's...well...him. And I'm still a fat kid!
Client: ....come here.
Me: .....why?
Client: I'm going to fucking hit you now, you stupid skinny whore.
Me: I--NO--*Gets hit* ACK! OW! DAMN IT!



Client: ....[finishing off story]...and this grown woman was pointing with her kids and laughing at me. I could hear them calling me names about my weight! *Looking pissed*
Me: Are you fucking SERIOUS?
Client: Yeah! I mean, they were beautiful. They were a skinny, beautiful family, don't get me wrong, but how can you be happy if you're sitting there, a grown woman, ruthlessly mocking bigger people with your preteen daughters? Can you imagine the damage you're doing to them?
Me: That's a fucking Eating Disorder waiting to happen right there!
Client: OH MY GOD RIGHT?
Me: You know what you should do?
Client: Hm?
Me: Get a big cookie. And then sit there in your bathing suit the next time you see them, and eat it. Just all *Makes orgasm face and pretends to nom* OMNOMNOM OMFG this cookie is SOOOO good! Oh, yes *Moans* I'm so lucky my husband loves me just the way I am....Oh I love being this happy....Mmmmmm
Client: *Cracks up* Oh that is the best revenge!


**

Boy: A personal trainer? Damn. I was wondering how you got so fit.
Me: *After having just come fresh outta session w/ therapist regarding skewed body image, curious look* Haha, thanks! Yeah, I still have a lot more to go, but it's nice to know it's appreciated.
Boy: I think you're set as you are.



Boy: [Sent later in txt] It was awesome 2 meet u. I couldn't stop staring the whole time your so gorgeous. Hit me up & we can go to movies or hang out later.




**


Excerpts from my day.
Binged yesterday. But honestly? I have no regrets.
Regrets won't help. I hated myself at the time, but now there's nothing to do but fix the damage done.
Today is liquids. I'm on a V8 juice with having already drinken half of a Monster Light, chocolate flavor (OMNOMNOM SO DELISH). Tuesday I burned 2740 calories, yesterday was 2477. Today, I wanna reach 2500. Might run a little bit. Not sure yet. Depends on how I feel when I get off work.
Had therapy, then a client, now at my security job.

My weight is 123.2 yesterday, 124.8 today from the binge, but 123.8 before going into my security job.
On a good note, in the past month, while my weight hasn't much changed, my measurements have.

My waist yesterday was an exact 26 inches (prebinge, not sure about now), having gone down from 26.5 inches. My body fat has gone down from 25%, to 23.8%. I'm getting closer to my goal of having it around 18%. Slowly but surely!
My bodybugg program has me at almost 10% bodyfat for when I reach my goal weight! I wonder if that's possible without wearing myself into the ground? O.o

HOORAH.

I now own two pairs of shorts.
I get strange looks, and flirted with a lot.
Which confuses the fuck outta me.
My legs JIGGLE and like...get squeezed by the shorts when I sit down.
SO LONG AS I AM STANDING AND STANDING STILL I look fine.
When I walk?
WATCH OUT TOKYO
GODZILLA IS ON HER WAY!






Because razing Tokyo, stomping through villages, and breathing fire out of my massive snout is a full time job, you guys. It's exhausting, be a large she beast of mammoth proportions. I'm short, but wide, and I will steam roll you like the flea you are! LOOK OUT
DON'T MAKE ME SMACK YOU WITH MY THIGH FAT!






OH SPEAKING OF AWKWARDLY SHOVING YOUR FAT INTO PEOPLES FACES
WATCH THIS CHUBBY GIRL PERFORM THE MOST DISTURBING DANCE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER
AND SHOW YOU WHERE PINK EYE COMES FROM!
You have to get at least 40 seconds into it, ok? Just...for what she does to that poor guy.