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Monday, June 14, 2010

To everything turn, turn, turn. There is a season....

Thursday: 5.5 mile run, 58-60 minutes (including warm up and cool down). 3 miles in 31:28. 4 miles in 42. Total: 2740 calories burned
Friday: Zumba. 4 hours walk. Total: 2600.
Saturday: Eat.
Sunday: Eat.
Monday: .....liquid fast.

This is PrettyWreck.
This is PrettyWreck severely fluctuating weight every week, never seeming to go lower.

I've decided that I need to work on my intake and let it go up just a little, but I have to be careful. I'm falling into Coed. And not just my run of the mill binge cycles, but I'm talking bad. I'm talking, I eat until my stomach is swollen out and a hard, solid mass, and I can't walk without feeling like I"m going to vomit. It's physically painful, I can't breathe, my blood pressure goes up, and my heart rate is through the roof. I eat what I'm allergic to, even. I can't stop. I physically cannot stop. And then I wait until the discomfort subsides just enough to start eating again.
It's a vicious cycle.
Weight gain, weight loss.
The calories consume me, even as I consume them.

It's a scary thing, you know? I see myself going into the cycle, and I've been there before, but I can't stop it. And it's not just food that I hunger for. This past weekend was literally a fest of compulsive cleaning, masturbation, and food. I could barely bring myself to shower between shoving myself under my bed to hand pick the lint out from the cracks in the tile, to stopping long enough to look at porn, to shoving my face full of anything. I wanted to go out partying. I wanted to go dance. I wanted to go drink, and I never drink. My mood was strange, and manic, and obsessed, and I couldn't stop it. I was stressed over food, over lint, over dust....My room is always messy, and I cleaned it spotless and then purposefully made it messy again.
Even laid the mess out in a certain pattern so it was familiar, organized, and disastrous all at once.

Panic manic. Manic panic.
Move move move.
Eat eat eat.
Starve starve starve.
This is the turning of my life.
Overtaken. Overwhelmed. Out of control. Seeking it without regard or remorse.
My eating disorder has stopped being unique in the ultimate layout of my life. It's stopped being new. It's sunken in to being just another aspect of the disorders that I possess. Just like my sex drives waxes and wanes depending on my period, and my moods fluctuates as well, so does my eating habits. And in that, it's becoming so out of control. Don't eat, eat. Don't eat. Eat. Trust. Don't trust. Lust. Don't lust. Indulge. Deny.

Back and forth, back and forth, no middle ground.
Can't find a middle ground.
It's not allowed.

Comfort is stagnancy, stagnancy is a lack of growth, and a lack of growth is death.
If I ever got comfortable--if I ever became content and happy--I'd become stagnant and I'd die.
I wouldn't make the difference I need to.
If there's anything at all.
I think instead I'm just spiraling. Like going down a great corkscrew slide. Of course there's no middle ground. You're thrown around the edges of this thing over and over, the force trying to drag you to the center but never able to reach it. Left, right, left, right, spinning down, thinking you're able to reach out and get to the center and that middle spot eventually but when you actually do, it's just because you're dumped onto the ground with an inelegant thump and your journey is done.
Death looks so pretty when we don't realize what it is.

Be happy for your pain.
It shows you still breathe.

My lust is in high gear.
I'm convincing myself of the negative aspects of unattached sex.
Especially with coworkers.

Is it too much to ask for a pretty girl who won't go crazy?
Or a man of muscles who smells nice, doesn't do drugs, and won't stalk me?
Or to ask for either free of drugs and STDs?
Or is that like, impossible now?

Ah, one can only dream.

I blame the need to fuck another coworker (not G, but now ANOTHER that I like) on the liquid fast I'm on. My mouth is craving something to chew on, and good lord, C looks delicious.


  1. This post was overwhelming, emotional and funny all at once, I dint know what to think, in quite the way that you don't know either. I can feel what you're saying, and I'm sure I remember being there. But I don't know how to help, I am just hoping you're alright, x.

  2. I know what you mean with the yoyo thing.
    I'm really sorry your goin crazy like this.
    Things always get better when they've gotten to the worst of their abilities.
    We'll all make it through in the end :)

    BTW you are worth more than meaningless sex. <3

    Vanilla Finnegan

  3. Take calcium pills, they supress appetite.. also L-carintine and ultra ripped .. you won't feel hungry and they boost ur metabolism.. don't take them after 18 though, you'll risk bad sleeping :) i haven't had that though .. can't really feel it but i know i'm not gaining on my binges .. not to much though

  4. Oh god, the text verification on that comment was "nomme" Nom me. Oh holy fuck!!! XD

  5. OMG speaking of coworkers to orally fixate on! Hot Guy is as hot as ever, and being 3 times the asshole. I'm dying to tie him up and fuck him senseless, but theres not a chance in hell.

    Best pickup line ever: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

    Grrrr I wish I could stop the whirligig for you to step off safely. Bloody hell!! *Long distance hugs* Hang on, hun. Just hang on.

  6. I have been losing and gaining the same five pounds for a month, too, and it sucks! I totally know how you feel.

    Stay strong! xoxo

  7. In this story you remind me a bit of those really smart parrots who, if they aren't challenged to the best of their intelligence, they get bored and develop nervous obsessions where they rip out their feathers and pace until they get sick or die.

    You really are smart. Maybe you need a greater challenge in your life. A quote comes to mind:

    I'll stop being my own worst enemy when I find a more worthy opponent. --Llana Grossman

    hehe I think that's funny, but it could be true.

  8. i have been in this yo-yo cycle of at lwast half a year. and i hate it.
    i know exactly what you mean when you say you eat untill you cant even move.
    but i hope now the worst is over and i can get myself back on track and so can you
    'stay strong

  9. I love your blog.
    You just need to find something to get you back into routine. It's alright, nothing's normal for us with EDs, but I know that with time you'll be able to sort something out.
    You'll find someone who fits the bill, you just have to look for them inbetween the times when you're having sex with coworkers, or picking lint from your tiles ;)
    Stay strong! x