YESTERDAY was awesome. My diet pills made me feel tres tres sick. That, or I'm allergic to bad Mexican renditions of Happy Birthday that use tamborines for elaboration. I didn't even know they kept making tamborines after the 70's ended and people quit the drugs. Don't you have to test positive for LSD to even GET one of those?
Anyway. Had steak tacos. Went home. Decided, hey, I feel sick. Let's get my purge pen and VOMIT. I didn't have my normal sharpie--it's been eaten by the clutter in my bathroom drawers. So I used a real pen. Wound up nearly choking to death on a chunk of steak that decided to lodge in my throat during it's trip for the encore in my mouth. Tried to dig it out with the pen, and it didn't work out too well. True yuck is having to reswallow chunks of chewed meat because you can't manage to throw it up all the way. It's the first time I've purged mid day. Right after I had been like, "Maybe I don't have an eating disorder anymore..." because I've been all sorts of...not...giving a damn about eating lately. And then I went and ate ice cream. And a few donuts. And then when I tried to go all purgey again? SHAZAAM PEN STAB TO THE BACK OF THE THROAT. HOORAH. I am awesome. Imagine having to go to the emergency room for that?
"Uuuuhm, yeah, see, I'm dating a guy with a really tiny dick, and thought hey, why not practice?"
.....better than the truth, I guess.
Might actually earn me more pity than, "I couldn't put down the donuts because I am a lardass in desperate need of a stapled stomach and a wired shut jaw. And preferably a kick to my testes--mental, at least, since, you know, I have a vagina, and last I checked, we don't have testes--to get my ass in gear and stop eating like I weigh 400 pounds, am named Bertha, and am married to my cousin and live on fried chicken and graaaavy."
I need a confederate flag, some collectible Nascar KFC buckets, and a Budlight hat. SLAP MY BACK FAT AND CALL ME AN AMERICAN!
I feel so unpatriotic right now.
I AM A PROUD AMERICAN. I like my country just fine. Just...not the fact that we have less people than China...and yet...collectively...we probably weigh more than them. We put the "MOOOOO" in "we don't MOOOOOOVE"? ....right. ANYWAY.
FOLLOW THESE FINE ASS BITCHES!
THEY ARE NOT NAMED BERTHA AND THEY HAVE NO NASCAR BUCKETS OF KFC!
AND IF THEY DO, ITS OKAY. THEY STILL ROCK.
See has a lot of followers, but that's because she freaking DESERVES THEM. She rocks that shit like it's hot. And by that shit, I mean my dick, and by my dick, I mean, well....my genitalia. SHE TURNS ME ON (and she's an awesome writer. AND she posted a picture of herself, and she's abso-fucking-lutely-GORGEOUS, so go tap that follow button and love her face).
Fat Ballerina should have more followers than she does, because I didn't realize she had so little. She's freaking AMAZING, her sense of humor makes me wiggle in my seat, and her name is just awesome. She'll be the fat Ballerina, Kazehana will be the baby manatee (she has a baby manatee dance, she told me this!) and I will be your local Wubba Lubba. Together, we form OPTIMUS FAT! DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE! (ALSO She's underage, so be careful to not get too molestful of her, because, you know, jail time and all. Just wait a year until she reaches proper age of consent? *Starts ticking off days* ♥ )
PERI IS MY FUTURE WIFE EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET!
I plan to marry her, and put her barefoot in my KITCHEN. Not...making food. That would be awkward? But kitchens are where women belong! Or at least, that's what my Nascar, Budlight wearing, Bertha-named, back fat possessing alter ego so claims. GET ME A BEER, WOMAN!
Actually, she's freaking AMAZING. I love the hell out of her and her face, and wish she lived closer so I could go pounce on her and crush her with my 1/3 of the Optimus Fat self that is me (AWKWARDLY CONSTRUCTED SENTENCE--GO!). She's absolutely amazing, leaves me the BESTEST COMMENTS and I really wish I could hug her head to smithereens. Only...without the smithereens death bit. You know what I'm saying, right?
ROBIN has only TWO FOLLOWERS RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS.
FIX THAT SHIT!
She's lost an amazing amount of weight so far, and will do fantastically on her journey. I know that she can do it, and have no question in her abilities! She's also, apparently, new to the blogging world, so let's get her a good support group!
Hazy didn't ask for a follower pimp, but I'm doing it anyway, just because I ♥ her, and she has only 13 followers, and she needs more, because her writing is amazing. Plus, she has a picture of a cupcake that says "I hate you", which is my new love in life. That cupcake hates me. And therefor, will not make me eat it.
FOOD HATES YOU!
What an awesome concept.
AVOID IT! IT WILL KILL YOU!
(From Hazy's Blog)
AND LAST BUT MOST DEF NOT LEAST!
FLUSHED! The apple to my eye, the light of my life, the "NG!" to my hungery (and if you were hear, you'd realize the "ng" is pronounced with an orgasmy face, because she is my hunger-sex-buddy!), and the FLAME TO MY...UHM....THERMOGENIC REACTIONS IN MY BODY!
She's the one who can tell me to put the food down, and I listen!
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HER, I'D BE A MILLION POUNDS NOW!
SO GO LOVE HER OK?!
OKAY THAT IS ALL FOR NOW.
(PS I just got new Lipo6x Black Hers, which, lemme tell you, makes me feel siiiiiiick as fuuuuuck. Here's to hoping it works! And I'm falling off the Prozac. I'm hoping that'll stop me from eeeating EVERYTHING, but...I started taking it because I was...? OH WELL we'll figure it out.)