Weight, job interviews, food phobias

CW: 126.2lb's.
I lost 2lb's yesterday, apparently. Not that I'll complain. I did wind up eating a whole chocolate bar with peanut butter on it last night. Wound up cutting again. That's the last time. I'm not going to slice up my leg anymore. I did it with dirty scissors, then went to sleep. Woke up with the cuts stuck to the sheets, and just burning agony in my thigh after only five hours. I went to pull on a pair of pants to go intot he bathroom, weigh myself, and clean it off, and could barely stand on it. Got it cleaned, which in itself was one of the most painful things in the history of EVER. Put neosporin on it, and am now sitting here, pondering trying to sleep a little longer before I have to go to my job interview.

That's right.
I have an interview as a personal trainer at a major national gym chain. One of the top rated in a recent study done by Fitness Magazine, as well as, apparently, Men's Fitness. I'm super, super excited, and worried about my mobility when I go in there. If they ask me to do anything that I can't cover up the pain with, I'm going to just say I spilled some boiling water on my thigh while watching my friend's kids. Something nice and noble. And try not to think about how ridiculous it is that I can show other people how to do things right, and HAVE, but I can't seem to do it with myself. Hoooorah.



I wound up with a serious issue with food yesterday, which is fine by me. I started to shake partway through eating a salad, and suddenly couldn't handle even dipping the tips of my fork in the dressing so it was just barely grazing the top of it. I had 300 calories in a 13 hour period, then came home, ate partway through 200, then took a sleeping pill, and ate the chocolate bar and rice cake with peanutbutter, and cut myself. Bah. I had gone shopping earlier to pick up some PB, actually, for the rice cakes (great freaking meal--35 calorie rice cake with 1tablespoon reduced fat peanut butter. 115 calories of awesome) and wound up pacing through the store, literally pressing back against the wall to get away from certain foods without realizing it. Especially the waffles, which I really had intentions of buying. They didn't have the ones I had already determined I wanted, which were the Buttermilk waffles by Ego, since their individual waffles VS their serving sizes match up (some are 90 calories per waffle, but 190 calories for 2....buttermilk is 90/waffle, and 180/2 waffles). But they didn't have the Buttermilk. They had homestyle. And a few others. And another brand of Buttermilk. But I had no idea whether or not any of those were lying to me. I started to push myself intot he glass on the other side of the row, because I was convinced I was going to get fat just looking at them. I broke a bag of food I was holding, squeezing it so tight in my fingers. And then I realized the glass I was pressing against had a huge ass long row of ice cream. I don't think I've ever felt such a jolt of terror, like it would come out of there on it's own and make me eat it and I would die.

I ran.
Like a bitch.
"Omgomgomgomgomgomgtheydon't havethebrandIwasgoingtobuyomgomgomgom--AAAAAAHNONOT THE ICECREAM! *Run away crying*"
You woulda thought I had just witnessed a mob hit. Jeebus.

I also started to concentrate on what I was eating. Found myself separating the parts in my salad according to color. Lettuce was gathered on one part of my plate. The little carrot strips on the other. The four thin almond slices I allowed myself were on another. The purple cabbage in another pile. I ate it all small bite by small bite. Except the purple cabbage. And the two pieces I had cut from a chicken strip to include in it for protein. That got thrown out, too. When I sat down and started to concentrate and focus on what I was eating, it made it so much harder TO eat.

So far, my most complicated meal, and quickest for me to fuck up, is breakfast. But right now I'm not too opposed to that. If I eat a bowl of cereal, or 200 calories or so in food, pretty quick, right off, then I tend to feel full, and I can get control of myself, and also have a clear head and avoid the shakes and awkward talk that comes from low blood sugar. I can seem more normal through out the day. Only near the end do I start to hit the zoning out, blank stare stage that comes with not eating enough.

That I can blame on general tiredness since I work until 10pm.




Anyway, thank you so much for the comments on my post yesterday.
I think...I'm going there because I'm going to be a personal trainer. I don't know if I want to get better, so much as I want to go talk to someone who I don't have to lie to about it. Someone who I can tell, who's worked with it before. I'm going there because my past has gotten to be too much, finally. I've been kidnapped, part of a cult, made to feel like everything I've gone through is just one more thing to be shouldered with private strength and dignity, and the only thing to do is put your chin up and lock it away and never let it bother you. But I can't do that anymore. These demons in my head--these chains of my past--have become so heavy that I can't even fly in my dreams anymore. I just want someone who I can tell the whole story to, and who I can talk to about all my bad, habits, -all of them-, and not feel like I'm strange. People who are trained in dealing with someone like me. Maybe someone to make me feel not so alone.

Though you guys did a great job of that yesterday. I was reading through the replies at work. Some of them saying things like, I always figure it'll go away when I'm thin enough, were just right on. Or saying that I'm not alone. There are more like me. And I have found you. You're here. With me.
Saying that I, and all of you, are more than this disorder.
It's...something I always kind of have to remind myself of.
That I can have this,
and I can still be something else. Something clean.
That this doesn't make me completely dirty.
(And if Subaru commercials and porn are to be believed, dirty is not a bad thing, bowchika?)

Anyway, I've written a lot. And I'm sorry these past few posts have been down and depressed, or too serious. Some of my humor is coming back. I've just been really exhausted by how all of the past has been coming up, and I don't really feel comfortable talking about it in a public forum where it could potentially be linked to me, IRL. People in my life don't need to know the truth. They don't need to know why I claw at my throat sometimes when I'm asleep. They don't need to know why I've been single for five years. They don't need to know about the past that still tethers me.

...and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I love you....

I feel guilty when I eat.
It's the hunger that makes me want to curl up and die. The guilt that comes from eating.
"I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm still overweight. How do I have a problem if my BMI is 25.2? How could I ever be considered anything worthwhile? I'm not sick. I'm not sick because I'm still fat. Fat people don't have eating disorders. Not outside of COED, and I don't weigh a ton, so I can't have that either...."
...I'm in the middle.
I'm in the spot where "average people" are.
I'm a size 5. And those pants are tight.
Granted, the way they sit? They're always tight, even when every other size 5 is falling off.
They're only comfortable when I'm a 3. But it's because they rest RIGHT at the sharp of my hipbones.
But...point is, I'm not a three. So the pants don't fit right. So I'm still fat. I'm so fucking fat,a nd I'm still overweight. I'm -overweight-.

I only feel dirty when I eat.
I only feel dirty when I need to eat.
I only feel ashamed when I do eat.
I hate that I have to.
I hate that I crave it.
It's an addiction.
A dirty addiction that I can't break.






I made an appointment for a place that treats these sort of disorders.
I
don't know why.
I don't want to eat. I want them to stop me from eating at night. I want them to stop me from binging. To show me how to stop my COED tendencies before they start. I always do this. Lose a lot, gain a lot. Lose a lot, gain a lot. I'm going there to learn to stop eating, I think.
No, I know.
I want them to tell me how not to eat.
How to stop the binges.





I'm going in as a COED client.
Funny that.








I don't know what else to write.
I wish I had something inspirational for you.
I don't.
I'm still fat.
I'm still a failure.
I'm 128.2.
Nothing skinny.
Nothing pretty.
Nothing worth your adoration.
Nothing worth anything.




I'm a liar.
And I shouldn't even be posting here. Encouraging all of you to starve. I don't want any of you to starve.
I don't want to be your inspiration.
I don't want to make you want to be hungry.
Go! Get better!
Go get help!
This is your wake up call!
If you've been waiting for a sign, here it is! GO GET BETTER! GO ASK FOR HELP!
It's okay. It's okay to eat. It's okay to be normal.
It's okay to forgive yourself for the crimes you're punishing yourself for.
Ana doesn't love you like I do.
And I want you to be happy.
I want you to be healthy.
I will always love you. I will always accept you. No matter how many calories you eat. No matter whether or not you're a size zero, ten, or other. I will always, always accept you.
I will accept you just for you.
I don't care if we've chatted. If we've talked. If you've commented.
I don't care if you've ever read anything I've written before. Or if I've read anything you have.
I don't need to meet you to love you. I love you because you hurt, because you need to be loved, and because I want to love you. Because you are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing person, no matter how little you see it, or if you don't see it at all. There is something amazing inside of you, and perfection is not an attainable goal. Perfection is an illusion, and you, my darling, are exactly the example of why imperfection is beautiful and desirable. I love you. More than your bones. More than what you eat. More than anything. I love YOU. Who you are. Your mind. Your heart. Your smile. I love the way you struggle through your tears, and I love your strength. Even if you don't see it, you are so STRONG. You are amazing. You are everything I wish I could be, and I will always, always, always be here. Even if we never talk, my heart, my thoughts, my support--it will always be with you. You will always be unconditionally loved by me.
It's okay to be better.
It's okay to rest.
It's okay to stop.
You're safe now.
You're going to pull through.
Because I believe in you.
And I'll believe in you until you can believe in you.




I need you to be better.
Because if I never get better, if I never find out why I do this, what's wrong with me, or what drives me to such self destruction...I need to know that I did more than just inspire you to such terrible things that I do.
I have such a hard time loving me.
So I'll just love you, instead.
And maybe you can love me for me, until I learn how to do it.
And that way, we'll never be alone again.

1 Year Anniversary

1 year ago, I weighed 190 pounds.
Today, I weigh 128.4lb's.



Not the weight I wanted.
I'm behind on my current goal.
I'm also behind on my original goal of being 103 by this time.
But I'm closer than I was before.



I feel very tired.
Last night was a full sleeping pill night, and of course, that led to a binge.
But no more.
I went out with a friend rather than exercise.
Which is a no no.



When my life is in order,
then I can have friends.
When I complete my goals,
like finding an internship,
getting my trainer insurance,
and stop sabotaging myself,
and start losing weight again,
then I can be allowed to go out and have friends again.
Then I'll be allowed to be a regular person again.



Until then, I'm grounded.
Only work, school, and diet for PrettyWreck.
Because she betrayed Ana last night and went out with a friend, rather than listened to her and exercised.
And for that, I binged, and didn't work out, and am behind on my goal.
I failed her.
And she deserves better.
I deserve better.

I will be successful.
No matter what.
I will be productive.

1 year ago, I started on this.
I don't know why, but the switch flipped, and suddenly, I was worshipping the hunger goddess.
I had always had a disordered relationship with food,
but one year ago today,
I grabbed it by the reigns and took control. Stopped eating, and started losing.
It's like another birthday. Which is always awesome

Anyway, time for a shower.

*mwah*

Wish me luck, dollies.
I'm off to the gym tonight.

♥ PrettyWreck ♥

Weakness, Strength, Luck

Current Weight: 128.2
Day: 6
Progress toward goal for week: 1.8 out of 2lb's lost - on track


I'm surprised I'm on track.
That I haven't gained.
Friday was well.
Saturday was terrible.
Sunday was worse.
Saturday I binge-binge-binged.
Got up to 1400 calories, I think?
Sunday I did well until it came time to have dinner.
I cooked.
Made healthy food.
But then made the mistake of eating three Hawaiian rolls, and then four cookies. Aside from just eating the artichoke and halibut. And I also had white rice.
Not sure of the calorie amount. I wound up losing it that night. Did something i haven't done in years, and cut myself. I exercised myself raw, and then broke down when I started thinking about getting over 130 pounds, and how fat I would be. How hard I had worked for nothing. Then I took a pair of scissors, and sliced up my thigh until it was numb. Monday morning i woke up to it burning, and it wasn't deep enough to draw a lot of blood, but scabbed over in most spots. Was red and swollen from my knee to my panty line, with what was at least fifty slashes. I worked out Monday morning on exercise video for about an hour, then came to work.
Did incredibly well, then wound up getting so sick. Stress from getting someone fired, eating, not sleeping a lot over the weekend, plus having a seriously violent period and fighting off allergies and some of a flu, led to a bad migraine. I ate a burrito from taco bell, two slices of butter-bread (a type of bread), and a bowl of cereal, topping out at 1200-1300 calories for yesterday.

And yet somehow, today, I'm 128.2.


I'm only at 210 calories for today, so far.
I'm planning on keeping very low.
I need to be at 128 tomorrow to be on target for my goal.


This weekend was a bust, but it's behind me now. I was sick, and being at home over the weekend makes starving harder. I'm awake when my parents are, and they tend to notice the difference of when I eat, versus when I don't. So that just means that I'll have to find a way to either hide it, or keep my sugar levels up enough so I'm not as weird during the time they're home.


I'm sticking at 600 calories a day, since that's a good number for losing weight. That, and if I do need to eat more because of a migraine, it's not as hard to avoid going above 1200 calories.
It leaves me leeway if I need to break. My body burns an average of 1600 calories a day just resting, but to be safe I say it burns only 1400 in case the equation is wrong, so that means that even if I do binge, so long as I stay under 1200, I'm still in a good deficit, and will still be losing at least something.



I messed up this weekend. My leg still hurts from the reminder of it, and the feeling of the scabs scraping on my work pants prevents me from touching food. My body is sore from the work out I did, and I'm exhausted from being sick, and from lack of food.
I have bruises from where I hurt myself.
This war has left more than emotional scars. I am now riddled in the physical reminders of my fight.
Badges of honor.
Symbols of shame.
No one else can see them. They're private, and they're mine. I like my cuts. They're not deep enough to scar, not deep enough to damage. They feel like a secret. A physical manifestation of my internal struggle.
Not that I plan to do it again.
Not really.
I broke. I needed the release.
And...well...I like pain.
I taste pain. My brain translates it oddly. I can see certain smells, and I taste pain. I taste it thick on the back and sides of tongue, and feel it from the center of my body, to the tips of my toes, to the top of my head. I never knew it wasn't normal to taste pain until just recently, but maybe that's why I like it so.



This post had a point.
I forgot it now.





Also, Piglet? I love you ♥
And Flushed.
You guys are my freaking heroes.
Flushed? I do need to email you again, now that I'm back. I miss you, baby ♥
If either of you guys want any messenger information to chat sometime, let me know. Just don't hand it out to anyone openly.

♥ ♥ ♥ Staying Strong ♥ ♥ ♥
PrettyWreck

A battle won, a war to go

Caloric intake yesterday: 605 calories
Rating: 9
Positives: When I felt close to breaking, I made a bargain with myself. "You can sit down and eat inside one small meal a day, at the end of the day, if you've done good, as a form of a reward. If you've done bad, and are close to going over, then only outside." When it was a reward, it felt very nice. And I still, halfway through, threw out the small bowl of cereal because I felt too bloated from it. I didn't clean my plate at all.
Negatives: Not many. The 5 calories over is no big deal. I'm just proud of me for doing as good as I did.

Weight on waking today: 127.8
Some days, self control pays more than others.
HOORAH.





Some of you are probably wondering where "Hoorah" comes from.
When I was in high school, I did pulley training with the US Marines. That means, I hadn't signed up for duty, because I was too young, but I'd go every weekend to the recruiters office, to train with other hopeful recruits in preparation for basic/boot camp for when I could sign up. HOORAH is sort of a Marine yell thing that's shouted when you feel victorious, powerful, determined, etc. Sadly, I didn't get go into the military (which I still regret), due to personal reasons.

Primarily being that I realized that I would want to make a career out of it, and I had a problem eternally hiding any relationships I had and going back into the closet. I pretty much regret it now....


BUT!

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle! (In the words of GI Joe)

I think "HOORAH" is fitting for this.
Because this is no longer a struggle.
This is a full on war.
2.2lb's lost.
7.8lb's to conquer the first enemy outpost.
27.8lb's to go to win the war.

Arm us with our weapons of starvation against the enemy masses of fat.
Fight with me, and taste the sweet nothingness and hunger of victory.
HOORAH!

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself. My role is limited to being the one that looks in the mirror." -Jacques Rigaut


Day 1: (yesterday)
Start Weight: 130
Calorie Consumption: ~850
Rating: 3
Successes: Stopped typical late night binge before it got out of hand. Kept away from normal weaknesses that take me at night. Following rules of eating for the most part.
Failures: Going over the 600 calorie mark, which showed itself in my weight for the day. Breaking rules of eating by eating at the computer while taking an exam.
Things to improve: Night time eating, calorie consumption, breaking rules of eating. Remember--if I don't have time to follow the rules and eat according to plan, then I don't have time to eat at all.

Day 2: (Today)
Start Weight: 129.8, not on track. Needed to be 129.7 to be on track for weight loss goal.
Calorie Consumption so far: 418
Rating so far: 7
Problems so far: Forgot rule of eating (not eating red meat). Managed to remember partway through, and immediately spit out food and threw out the rest of it. Ate 1 chip.
Corrective measure: 48 jumping jacks
Successes so far: Avoided eating TV dinner, and went instead for three baby carrots and a bottle of water.
Goal calorie intake: Max of 600.
Feeling: Bloated still from the beef. My stomach burns.


So far, so good. Let's get this weight down and melt it right off.
Hoorah.



Also:
THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone for all the support.
And PERI! You're sweet as can be :3 Thank you ♥!!!!!

Let's do this.

Current Weight: 130 lbs
Major Problem: Complete disregard for what I eat; negative reinforcement; lack of exercise
Solutions:
-Monitor food in careful food journal, kept beside professional journal
-Stop focusing on failures, and reward success, thereby encouraging success more steadily throughout the day.
-Increase exercise amount to at least a fifteen minute bout of cardio daily at minimum, with goal being a 1 hour session of cardio 4-6 days a week.
-Increase intake of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain
-Decrease refined sugars and refined flour
-Decrease amount of premade food and fastfood
-Any meals that are eaten must require some form of preparation or addition of ingredients by self--meaning, unless it is raw fruits or veggies, everything must be somehow home cooked. Exceptions as follows; 70 calorie hand held soup packs, low calorie cereals, yogurt, granola. Basically, no more fastfood, TV dinners, or store bought meals, since you cannot control what goes in them.
-No more use of butter; severely decreased use of margarine and oils
-Cut out beef, focusing on lean proteins like fish and chicken
-No eating two hours before bed
-Calorie amount to never exceed 1200 calories a day at maximum
-Core stabilization exercises (drawing-in maneuver, plank, etc.) to be performed daily and at waking.
-All sodas but Pepsi One are eliminated from diet; rely solely on tea, water, and carbonated water.
-Have some form of movement through out day--sitting should be reserved for studying, with a maximum amount sitting of four hours per day. Try to stand while reading.



Rules for Eating
-Food can only be consumed when done in certain locations. At work, this is standing by the lockers, facing the vacuum cleaner. At home, this will mean all meals must be taken outside, no matter weather. No more eating in the kitchen, bedroom, or any other part of the house that is not a designated "eating spot".
-For every meal exceeding 200 calories, do 1 jumping jack for every extra calorie. This does not count for the cardio to be performed that day.
-Chew every bite at least twenty times.
-Take one drink of water between every bite.
-Do not do anything else while eating--no TV, no talking, no radio, no phone, no internet.
-For every time a chocolate or something is craved, snap rubber band around wrist to associate sweets with pain. Eat fruit whenever a chocolate craving persists. Recite a rhyme not related to weight loss, or sing a song or something to distract.


Rules for the Day
-Focus on responsibilities over food consumption.
-Make up list of most important goals to achieve that day
-Studying comes first over games or anything else.
-Priorities are as such: Studying, exercise, pursuing trainer career (now certified), and then reading blogs like this to help maintain inspiration. After all of this has been done during the day, then things like facebook, going with friends, etc., will be allowed.
-Monitor all food, progress toward goals, etc., and grade self at the end of each day.
*IMPORTANT: Do not use punishments. Reward self for what was done, and then just work toward improving on the areas you failed at the next day. Failure is not a life long process, but a temporary error that can and should be corrected. You will not snowball out of control if you don't let it happen. Always pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. The key to success is persistence.*
-Read something motivational and designed toward success every day.
-Remind self every day of goals.




More personal entries to come perhaps later. For now, I'm going to be approaching my life from a technical standpoint.
I am a personal coach and trainer.
I am my first client.
Time to get this done.
Hoorah.


Goal for weight:
Be 120 by April 1st.
That's 10 pounds in about 5 weeks.
2 pounds a week, starting today.
Focus on specifics, focus on every minute.
Every minute count. Every action counts. Every second. There is no meaningless moment.
Fill your day with 24 hours of success. 24 hours of accomplishments.
Live in the second. Controlling that one moment.
There is no stagnancy. Every second of inactivity, or every second of disregard for the goal is not staying still, but going back. Push forward. Push hard. Push stubbornly. And don't stop.
And when you fall back, just push again.


Let's do this.