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Friday, April 2, 2010

...and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I love you....

I feel guilty when I eat.
It's the hunger that makes me want to curl up and die. The guilt that comes from eating.
"I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm still overweight. How do I have a problem if my BMI is 25.2? How could I ever be considered anything worthwhile? I'm not sick. I'm not sick because I'm still fat. Fat people don't have eating disorders. Not outside of COED, and I don't weigh a ton, so I can't have that either...."
...I'm in the middle.
I'm in the spot where "average people" are.
I'm a size 5. And those pants are tight.
Granted, the way they sit? They're always tight, even when every other size 5 is falling off.
They're only comfortable when I'm a 3. But it's because they rest RIGHT at the sharp of my hipbones.
But...point is, I'm not a three. So the pants don't fit right. So I'm still fat. I'm so fucking fat,a nd I'm still overweight. I'm -overweight-.

I only feel dirty when I eat.
I only feel dirty when I need to eat.
I only feel ashamed when I do eat.
I hate that I have to.
I hate that I crave it.
It's an addiction.
A dirty addiction that I can't break.

I made an appointment for a place that treats these sort of disorders.
don't know why.
I don't want to eat. I want them to stop me from eating at night. I want them to stop me from binging. To show me how to stop my COED tendencies before they start. I always do this. Lose a lot, gain a lot. Lose a lot, gain a lot. I'm going there to learn to stop eating, I think.
No, I know.
I want them to tell me how not to eat.
How to stop the binges.

I'm going in as a COED client.
Funny that.

I don't know what else to write.
I wish I had something inspirational for you.
I don't.
I'm still fat.
I'm still a failure.
I'm 128.2.
Nothing skinny.
Nothing pretty.
Nothing worth your adoration.
Nothing worth anything.

I'm a liar.
And I shouldn't even be posting here. Encouraging all of you to starve. I don't want any of you to starve.
I don't want to be your inspiration.
I don't want to make you want to be hungry.
Go! Get better!
Go get help!
This is your wake up call!
If you've been waiting for a sign, here it is! GO GET BETTER! GO ASK FOR HELP!
It's okay. It's okay to eat. It's okay to be normal.
It's okay to forgive yourself for the crimes you're punishing yourself for.
Ana doesn't love you like I do.
And I want you to be happy.
I want you to be healthy.
I will always love you. I will always accept you. No matter how many calories you eat. No matter whether or not you're a size zero, ten, or other. I will always, always accept you.
I will accept you just for you.
I don't care if we've chatted. If we've talked. If you've commented.
I don't care if you've ever read anything I've written before. Or if I've read anything you have.
I don't need to meet you to love you. I love you because you hurt, because you need to be loved, and because I want to love you. Because you are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing person, no matter how little you see it, or if you don't see it at all. There is something amazing inside of you, and perfection is not an attainable goal. Perfection is an illusion, and you, my darling, are exactly the example of why imperfection is beautiful and desirable. I love you. More than your bones. More than what you eat. More than anything. I love YOU. Who you are. Your mind. Your heart. Your smile. I love the way you struggle through your tears, and I love your strength. Even if you don't see it, you are so STRONG. You are amazing. You are everything I wish I could be, and I will always, always, always be here. Even if we never talk, my heart, my thoughts, my support--it will always be with you. You will always be unconditionally loved by me.
It's okay to be better.
It's okay to rest.
It's okay to stop.
You're safe now.
You're going to pull through.
Because I believe in you.
And I'll believe in you until you can believe in you.

I need you to be better.
Because if I never get better, if I never find out why I do this, what's wrong with me, or what drives me to such self destruction...I need to know that I did more than just inspire you to such terrible things that I do.
I have such a hard time loving me.
So I'll just love you, instead.
And maybe you can love me for me, until I learn how to do it.
And that way, we'll never be alone again.


  1. I have read you, silently, since you started blogging.
    Never have I seen a stronger soul then that of which you possess.
    It almost makes me want to cry.
    I feel you, you want to reach out, but you're stuck in a glass house... Everyone stares in, consumed with the fear that if you'll move you'll break the small existence you've created for yourself, break all you know into a thousand tiny pieces,
    a million pieces of sharp, painful glitter thrown into the wind..
    to blind you.
    and you're back where you started.

    because that is how it started, isn't it?

    you were blind.
    You couldn't have imagined then where you would have ended up.
    because you were so shrouded in the fog, in the dismal existence of being unaware of your surroundings.
    after all, looking back, what's worse?

    Being completely blind on all sides, and ignorant, but longing forever...
    Or painfully aware, in your glass house.

    And you can't say a damn thing without hurting those around you.

    You want to scream.
    But your glass house is soundproof.

    Pretty, I see you. Who you are.
    The fragmented soul with an instable existence, torn between life and love and regret and the possibility of never truly enjoying any of it.

    There are people here.
    Find us.

    Find the strength that is within you.

    The one that I see.


    p.s. I am your exact height and weight. Scary, right? =p

  2. i feel the same, which, i probably told you before. when i eat, i feel dirty, gross. i don't know what to do either. feel lost. i weight almost the same as u, but i feel fat, forever fat. oh us. we'll get thin. we will for sure /xo

  3. someone recently reminded me that I am so much more than my disease - I think you could use the same reminder

    You are more than this, it doesn't define you and it doesn't define me. We share common ground that helps each of us connect, and while we talk about you being inspirations to us, it's all in our head, whether you are losing, gaining, healing or getting sick this battle exists in each individulals head.

    Best of luck to you in however you choose to seek treatment, you'll still be an inspiration to me, but the inspiration will shift from 'being ana' to getting better.

    It's all I ever really want anyway, to stop this fight in my head over every little thing that touches my lips. I keep thinking if I'm thin enough the war will end.

  4. I love you and you're beautiful.
    And you made me feel ok.


  5. I'll love you and you can love me. Because it's also impossible for me to love me. Being thin is the only thing that will make me truly happy right getting "better" isn't an option. Thanks for caring so much's really appreciated. By everyone.

    I'll support you and you can support me.

    Thank you.

  6. PW, what a beautiful post. I don't ever think I've commented before, but I've been anonymously following for a while. I hope they can help you... You are sooo so strong and I admire you in a lot of ways. Thank you so much for writing this.

  7. i wanna hug you sweety! you are pretty!