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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ana, my hurtful friend

I starved.

There was one piece of bread today - less than 50 calories. It's a sandwich bread that's 100 calories for 2 slices, and I had one slice, but threw away most of it. After that, I did not eat. At least not for a while. Because I have been cutting back, and the past few days I've evened out at 400 calories or thereabouts, and was sick before bed yesterday, I was already lacking in nutrients and blood sugar, and that's when I started to feel it.

There's a muscle ache when you don't eat. It was in my arms, like normal. Behind my chest. In the spot where the front of your legs meets your hips. My stomach. My ribs. My breathing was shallow, my pulse was off. Someone brought me grilled chicken, which I ate, totaling me out at 170 calories. I took the excedrin too late, and the migraine came.

My blood sugar when I got home was down to 40. The fact that I was still able to function with any level of cognition is astounding imho. I ate so damn much. Enough that I not only overshot my normal 600 limit, but am probably nearing 900.

Combined with the muscle cramps from the migraine, I know I'm not going to be at my goal for tonight.
The thing is, I'm always 2 pounds heavier the day after a migraine. And today when I woke up, I was at 142.4. UNDER my goal weight for the week.
So I'm considering using that, and since I'm allowed off days every now and again, just counting this as that off day. Because there's a childish part of me that says it's not fair that I should be punished for my migraine, and another part that says it's my fault for eating so much.
But I should have eaten more. I should know better than to try anything close to fasting, because my body CAN NOT tolerate it. It always makes me get migraines and binge.

But i did have every intention of eating today.

I just wasn't hungry.

And I just...wanted to feel closer to Ana. Maybe not the personification of it, but the purpose. The control. But I feel like...for risk of sounding cheesy, of making out this illness to be a diety...she is a fire, and I am not as tolerant as the rest. Whenever I get closer than I am now, I get burned violently. I wish...I wish so badly I could be like others, and nestled tight by her flame. But either I am different due to my health...or different because I am weak.

All I know is that I can't be like everyone else with their caloric intake and amazing control and fasting. All I can do is still eat, and hate myself for every bite, and hate my body for binding me to food while others seem to let it go.

I love feeling unworthy of everything.
And I don't mean that completely sarcastically.

When I feel this way, this down and this negative, it reminds me of why I must push on. This pain is what I revel in, because I despise it, and I make myself touch every nook and cranny of this sheer and utter misery because then I am reminded of every reason to never stop.

There is a pit below me that I will fall into if I eat - if I give up. That pit is filled with dark things, fat, and all the misery my lack of control brings. And while every time I turn away food and every day I trudge on through this maze is hard and tedious, it is worth it. Because, while behind me there is nothing but agony, at the end of this tunnel there are wings. And I will fly when I am free.

I also have a friend.
We will call him J.
I told J a while ago that I starve myself. He knows what I do. He is an on line friend, who is not like I am, but has his own mental problems. He's gay, which makes me trust him more than straight males, and he trusts me more than straight females. When we talk, he lets me complain about food, and listens when I bash myself for eating. When I think of eating, he helps me choose things low in calories but high int he things I need, because he wants me to reach my goal as fast as I want to. He says he waits for the day when I can start teaching myself to eat normal again.
But he's also there to tell me to slow down. That I'm pushing it too hard.
To remind me of my limitations.

Sometimes, he's a pain. But I think the day I broke down and told him is one of the best decisions I made. It's nice to have someone on the outside who knows and supports your choice, even if it's not the healthiest choice I've ever made.


  1. You are not weak, YOU ARE HUMAN ! You have come so far and the goal gets closer everyday.

  2. i absolutley LOVED the comment you sent me. it was so hilarious, and i feel the exact same way haha

    and as far as fasting goes, i do it to feel closer to ana too. to have the solid feeling of her all day long and to just hold that simple feeling of no food.

    its amazing.

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  3. its gonna be ok.
    know why?????
    cuz you've lost over 50 pounds, and that is fuckign amazing, and yeah, we all have a long way to go, but you'll get there :)
    (btw, ive got like 50 ish more to lose. my goal weight is 115 :D)

  4. I love that you keep on keeping on. You are resilient.
    There's an underlying strength and determination in you words that makes me absolutely sure that you will reach every one of your goals!

    Look how far you've come already, it's in you!!