Sunday, July 19, 2009
Need advice - Afraid of Success and other awesome BS
This is really long, and filled with endless drivel, and I will be so grateful to anyone who reads it and gives me advice. I know I write/talk/whatever too much. ♥
So I've been looking into becoming a CPT (certified personal trainer) even more, and I've decided to do it. I'm actually going to do this. I'm in love with the gym, and I could spend all day there if i wanted to. I've been trying to find a way out of my current job, where I can have a potential career, make money that's directly proportionate to how much I work, and also just...not have a real boss.
I'll spare you all the details, but I start my training hopefully in the next day or two, and my first exam is next weekend. After that, I need to get my CPT insurance, followed by at least one other certification (there's HUNDREDS of them, literally. I just need to get some that are nationally certified and my own personal trainer and my brother are helping me out in choosing them) and then apply for a job at my gym. Then yeah...after I finish my "observation" period with one of the established trainers, I'll be able to start taking private clients.
Well...my step mom, after I told her this, said something that makes sense.
But it terrifies me.
She told me I should take next semester off.
As it stands, I'm currently working a job that I need. I cannot quit it until I start making money as a trainer. Because of that, I'd have so little time to dedicate to training while I'm in school. Next semester, I have Neurobiology, Calculus, Chemistry, and Introduction to Advanced Criminal Processing. Semester after that is Calculus II, Evolution, Organic Chemistry, and Physics. Classes are just going to get harder, and the job I'm at now is the reason I couldn't do a lot of school work before. It's also the reason I can't take the classes I need where I need to - because I work overnights, and I can't take classes after noon. I have to take everything before 12pm or else I don't get to sleep in a day. And I'm always wiped out in class.
So my step mom said I should wait until January. Take this semester off, and focus on just getting certified, and getting established as a trainer. Because when I do get established, then I'll be able to, basically, work 28 hours a week for nearly a grand more a month than I'm making now, which means I'd be able to actually transfer to a real university with a better reputation, take the classes when I need to take them, and not have to work overnights anymore.
Now, my thing is? I'm terrified of taking a semester off. I'm 22 years old, and I don't have a bachelors degree. I've started and restarted school so many times. I haven't ever completed anything.
I'm terrified that if I do this, and stop school to become a CPT, I won't go back, and I won't become a CPT. Or I will become a CPT and I will fail at it. That I'll have wasted a semester for nothing.
That I won't go back to school and I wont' ever quit my job as security. That I'll never finish anything.
That I'll just...never follow through.
Because it's a pattern with me. I'm terrified of success. Absolutely terrified of it. Because it's change. It means I would be held to real standards of an adult. People would expect more out of me, and I would expect more out of myself. The higher up you are on the ladder, the farther you have to fall.
And I know that if I want to do this, then I will. I have this...ability to do anything I want. I'm smart. I'm quick. I'm convincing. I can lie through my teeth and make you believe it, because when I talk, for a few minutes, I believe it too.
And ironically, I realized because of my emphasis on Anorexia Nervosa and it's accompanying disordered symptoms for my term paper last year, as well as my understanding of it and other eating disorders, I could fill in a very aching gap in our system out here now.
That is....working with girls in recovery.
We have a few at the gym, and I've pulled aside their trainer to give advice more than once, since she's completely useless with some of the things she's said. Now she randomly comes to me for advice, which...is sorta funny.
And that's the thing.... When people meet me, and talk to me, I can come off as being the most clear headed, healthy individual, with a very logical and intuitive way of thinking.
Truth is, because of my own struggle with weight and my own disorder, I generally have an idea of what to say to people to help them not relapse. And when it comes to healthy weight loss, I know how to work out, and what to do/what not to do. How much to eat, what to eat, when to eat...I've been fat my whole life. Fat people know more about nutrition and exercise than anyone else, in most cases. It's just that they don't have the control to do it. Reading it, and learning it, is different than living it.
What I do to myself isn't about not knowing the proper method. It's about taking control. That's it.
Anyway, I completely veered off topic.
I talk too much.
Well...point is, I've got all this fear. I'm afraid of trying and failing. Of not following through again. I've trained to be an A+ tech and aced my courses, but never took the cert. I trained to be an EMT - aced the courses (top of my class) but never took the cert (spent the money for the cert on my MCAT book). I've gone to school for a bio major now - good as failed my classes (B's are failures in the eyes of the schools I want to attend) and now I might take off a semester.
I've gone from being an English major and failing out thanks to a meth addiction (age 16-18...yes, I was in college when I was 16...full time college, highschool, and a job...meth was to try and stay awake for the classes) and waking up to realize that English degrees got you jobs as teachers, not a spot in a little cafe in Paris speaking with Ex Patriot and Modernistic types about the loathsome aspects of society and drinking with those of the calibre of Longfellow or Elliot....
I was a tech major and wound up dropping my Networking classes when I realized I hated computers (dropping by not showing up).
I was an EMT major and left the program after acing my classes and being PROMISED a job with the MOST sought after firestation in all of our city (who normally doesn't take regular EMT-B's, only paramedics and sometimes EMT-I's, but apparently being able to intubate a patient properly when you've only read it in textbooks and it's actually a skill that's way above your level makes you special) and I dropped that for biology major with hopes of med school....
...and now I'll be taking time off to become a personal trainer.
Granted, unlike before, I'm not switching majors or goals. I'd be doing this to switch careers so I could focus better on school.
I would be taking time to find out what needs to be done to be able to focus more on school and get the straight A's I need, and also to save up money in case something catastrophic happens and my dad can't pay for my classes. As it is right now, if something happened, I wouldn't even be able to afford a home, much less classes. If I were a CPT, I could afford a place to stay, and still go to school part time.
I would be learning a valuable skill that could get me a job anywhere, and getting a more intimate understanding of the body.
I'd be able to focus on my own weight and have more of a reason to get it down (my monetary success would depend on my appearance) and I'd be able to spend hours at the gym without an odd look.
I'd also be able to afford the VIP room at the gym (which comes with private showers, massage chairs, and general things that equal SEX, and costs over $300 per year that you have to pay upfront and I would kill a midget to get the keycard to let me into there...)
And I could potentially work with people who are recovering from eating disorders, which would be a higher pay grade, look better on an application to say, Harvard (my dream school, and why B's are failures - Harvard Med does not take less than perfection), and would help me when I myself decided to pursue my own recovery.
I would be losing my insurance (which I only use for my psychiatrist, which I can afford without insurance, but what if something happened and I needed to see a doctor for like, swine flu or something?).
And I'm scared to take off the semester. I'm scared I won't return.
I'm scared I won't succeed.
I'm scared I'll just fail, because that seems to be what I'm best at.
And I need to hear from someone else, someone not related to me, if they think I should do it.
Should I take off the semester? Should I focus on the CPT? I could probably replace my current job by January, which is when the next semester starts, but I'd be so behind on school.
And my stepmom says I should, but my dad says it's my choice.
And I don't know if I could do my job, CPT training, and school all at the same time.
So....I mean...should I do it?
Should I take off the semester?
My life would become health. Health, and school, when I re-enrolled.
I think I know the answer, I just think I need to hear it from someone other than me.