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Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Sometimes after migraines, I get tired.
Othertimes, I get depressed.
I think I'd rather be tired.

I've been irritable all day, and it just turned into full out depression. I can't gym today, because I have a session (not an official training thing. It's a family member who's sick a lot and needs help with getting started at the gym), and yeah.

On a good note, I just got this awesome down-alternative and memory foam mattress pad for my bed. Four inches thick. I slept like a rock. I have never slept so well in my LIFE. I'm hoping to be able to curl up and die in it soon.

Part of the reason I'm down is my eating. I binged so bad, and I haven't weighed myself today because...I just can't look. I can't do it. I got down to 141.4, then had a binge on a migraine and shot up to 144, then I fought for this past week working myself to exhaustion and got down to 142...and I don't want to see the scale back at 144. I think I'd break. Like, my body will shatter into a million fat pieces or my head just will all apart. I can't do it.

And today I'm telling myself I have 800 calories. I don't eat 800 calories EVER, but if I do it for two days while off (yesterday and today) I'm hoping it will tell my metabolism "Okay, you can go out of starvation mode now" and kick back in. But after a binge I always feel so gross for like...days afterward and don't want to eat. But I'm making myself eat, and it's making me depressed. I can't go back to 144. I can't ever go back to 145. I would kill myself. I have to keep fighting. I have to get out of the 140's. I have to get into the 130's and then 120's but for now just...out of the 140's, and I don't know how to do it anymore.

But I'm just going to...not weigh myself, I think. For a while. Just keep working out, and eating 800 cals a day, and then maybe at the end of the month, I'm gonna start tweaking around my diet so I'll be eating varying amounts of calories each day (500-800).

So far, I've had
1/2 peanut butter sandwhich (140 cal)
1 100 calorie skinny cow ice cream bar (100 cal)
Jack in the Box Grilled CHicken strips (177 cal)

417 so far.

When I get home, I'm going to have a bowl of Total cereal (140 cals) or Cookie Crisps (140 cal) and a slice of toast (50).

If I only get up to around 700, then that will be fine.

I hate going that high. But I can't let myself eat too low today. I need to keep my metabolism aware that it's okay to work and eat.
And yeah.

All i really want to do today?
Is go home and go to bed.
I just want today to be over.

I want this weight to be off of me.
I just want to be worth something.

I hate feeling so fake. So worthless. So fucking empty.


  1. I need to get out of the 140's too!!!!
    i got down to 140.6 and then drank a lot of water and ate a lot of salt last night so i shot up to 142.8 today and I CANT GO OVER 143

    we will get out of the 140s

  2. Don't sweat it. You have made it this far, and you will make it even farther. Just keep your head up.

  3. i hate that right after you binge your body and matabolism is all wacked out.. :/
    but good luck!!! i know you can do it!
    stay strong <333

  4. I totally get your frustrations-ALL of them! Sometimes keeping your spirits up is a job in itself but I believe it to be the backbone of this whole operation. There is light at the end of the tunnel(!) and it gets lighter and lighter so long as we keep on going...

    Stay strong Sweetie!