worthless

Sometimes after migraines, I get tired.
Othertimes, I get depressed.
I think I'd rather be tired.

I've been irritable all day, and it just turned into full out depression. I can't gym today, because I have a session (not an official training thing. It's a family member who's sick a lot and needs help with getting started at the gym), and yeah.

On a good note, I just got this awesome down-alternative and memory foam mattress pad for my bed. Four inches thick. I slept like a rock. I have never slept so well in my LIFE. I'm hoping to be able to curl up and die in it soon.

Part of the reason I'm down is my eating. I binged so bad, and I haven't weighed myself today because...I just can't look. I can't do it. I got down to 141.4, then had a binge on a migraine and shot up to 144, then I fought for this past week working myself to exhaustion and got down to 142...and I don't want to see the scale back at 144. I think I'd break. Like, my body will shatter into a million fat pieces or my head just will all apart. I can't do it.

And today I'm telling myself I have 800 calories. I don't eat 800 calories EVER, but if I do it for two days while off (yesterday and today) I'm hoping it will tell my metabolism "Okay, you can go out of starvation mode now" and kick back in. But after a binge I always feel so gross for like...days afterward and don't want to eat. But I'm making myself eat, and it's making me depressed. I can't go back to 144. I can't ever go back to 145. I would kill myself. I have to keep fighting. I have to get out of the 140's. I have to get into the 130's and then 120's but for now just...out of the 140's, and I don't know how to do it anymore.

But I'm just going to...not weigh myself, I think. For a while. Just keep working out, and eating 800 cals a day, and then maybe at the end of the month, I'm gonna start tweaking around my diet so I'll be eating varying amounts of calories each day (500-800).

So far, I've had
1/2 peanut butter sandwhich (140 cal)
1 100 calorie skinny cow ice cream bar (100 cal)
Jack in the Box Grilled CHicken strips (177 cal)

417 so far.

When I get home, I'm going to have a bowl of Total cereal (140 cals) or Cookie Crisps (140 cal) and a slice of toast (50).

If I only get up to around 700, then that will be fine.

I hate going that high. But I can't let myself eat too low today. I need to keep my metabolism aware that it's okay to work and eat.
And yeah.

All i really want to do today?
Is go home and go to bed.
I just want today to be over.

I want this weight to be off of me.
I just want to be worth something.

I hate feeling so fake. So worthless. So fucking empty.