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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Real Binge, hate myself

Yeah so...I had my first real binge.

I was doing so well. I hit a new low weight. I was on track to reach my goal for the week...

...when I got a migraine. And then I got stressed out by having to moderate a fight at a community I run. After a while of not eating, the headache was bad enough that my right eye went blind, but I still managed to eat relatively normal for myself until it was nearing time to crash. One ambien, three flexerils, and four naproxen later, I wound up eating. I don't even remember most of it. Just that when I went to look for one my egg rolls later, it was gone. The lunch meat was too. most of the cheese, a lot of the cereal, the rest of the cheetohs my nephew hadn't eaten when he was there, and yeah.... From what I do remember eating, and what I can decipher from the shit missing and in my room...

...I hit 3000 calories.

I don't eat that much in five days.
I've dropped down to 400 a day right now, and i had my first session with a personal trainer. My weight on the scale there was at 145 (with clothes on). I was at 141 before that binge. At home, this morning, I was at 143. Still not good enough. Still TERRIBLE because it's a GAIN.
My body fat analysis wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I'm at about 19%, which for my height and weight was surprising, I guess. He says it's because I'm fairly athletic, but he thinks if I keep pushing like I am, I can get down to somewhere in the single digits. Which would be sorta awesome.

He also thinks if I tried, I could get to 99lb's and be healthy.

I...would love that, but I'm afraid to shoot for a lower goal when I'm fucking up already. I'll find out when I get there.


I feel like a FRAUD, you know?

Anyway, I bought cherries. I'd never had cherries before, but they were on sale at one of the local markets (one of those organic places) and they looked sorta tasty delicious. So I got them, and some sweet potatos (because my PT said sweet potatos are really good for jump kicking your metabolism and filling you up fast) and decided to give them a try. The cherries are about 4 calories for one of them. amazing. I can eat maybe 3 or 4. They taste like candy. I've been sort of snacking on some through out the night.

He told me to keep my calories low, but to keep eating through out the day. He said every hour, to every two hours, I should eat something. A few wheat thins, two cherries, something like that. Small meals, smaller snacks. He said it keeps your metabolism constantly running and burning, and that when you go for more than four hours without food, your metabolism slows down. So I'm trying out what he says, because maybe it will help me also cut back on how much I eat, and to cut back my urge to binge.

Anyway. Not sure what else to write. i bought a supplement to help with my hair. I'll let you guys know how it works.


  1. wow, that is intense! how tall are you?? I am 145 and I am at 22% BF. Having one day slip up is okay!!!! Think of how far you have come, you deserve it after all you have been through

  2. on little blip in the grand scheme of things, you're still doing amazing

    hope the supplement helps with your hair

  3. I don't think you are a fraud at all! We all make mistakes and I'm sure if you'll be back on track today : D
    Stay strong <3

  4. If you're a fraud then we all are! haha. (you're not!)

    On the hair note, I've been noticing TONS of hair loss myself lately! Also, lately I haven't been eating much protein, so I bought some liquid eggwhites again (I was out "lately") (I'm vegetarian).

    Eggwhites are eggcellent for getting your protein in, no fat, no carbs and totally filling! 1 serv is 1/4 cup and it's only 25 cals of pure protein!