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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Comment Replies, Visiting Hours, Dumping Girlfriends

Just got back from visiting the stepmom int he hospital. I lost my shit on a nurse, and wound up pulling the classic Jew move (yes, my family is Jewish) by threatening, politely, legal ramifications if their treatment of her didn't improve. I spoke calmly, and confidently, and apparently, it got the correct reaction. They started paying attention to her. But because my fever is now spiked to 101, and my sore throat is now also a cough, I had to walk around with a sweet ass surgical mask on.

I also dumped girly. I'm now single again. Last night, when I was upset, and told her my stepmom could die, she got angry and said very meanly, "Snap out of it. You're always like this. You're letting life pass you by, and you take out your anger on everyone else." And I said, "...someone I love is DYING," she goes, "And you need to get over it."
So...we had an awesome fight. And thank god it wasn't in person. I would have punched her in the throat.

Now for the comment replies, because I'm super tired, and super sick, and I need sleeping pills and a shot of bourbon to make the sore throat and pain go away, and to sleep through the night. And also, I'm so keeping my surgical mask. Because it's fucking awesome.

Mina Belle:
About methamphetamine and addiction; yes. You become instantly addicted. It was absolutely hell to get off of. The majority of my junior and senior year of high school, I was a heavy user, and became a full blown addict at the end of my senior year. I was kicked out of school after a good friend of mine died, and a lot of other bad things happened, and I went into a full tailspin. If it weren't for my father, I would be dead. I still have permanent damage, hence part of the reason why I have to be so careful with restricting. Once I overdosed, and my body clenched up so tight, that any movement caused the muscles to rip. I ripped one in my neck and shoulder, one in my leg, and one in my side. I also have permanent vascularity issues with my lungs, and now an irregular heartbeat. This was after only a few months of hardcore use.'s deadly addictive, and you never get over your addiction. I'll be sober for 5 years on February 24th of this year, and I still have nightmares where I wind up using.

Miss Burton:
I'm not a "better anorexic". I fight with idea of recovery a lot, to the point where I'm considering therapy. My immune system is shoddy because I am malnourished, but also because of hormones. PCOS and PCOD is a common disease seen in people with eating disorders, and can either be had before, or after the development of the disordered behavior. It can cause problems with immune functionality, as well as just regular anemia causing issues with the response capabilities of the white blood cells and antibodies in the human vascular system.
I can't starve like most girls, because of my issues with my health. I often times feel like I'm faking this, or like I'm not worthy of being classified, or like I'm a joke compared to most of you guys. So...I'm not better, and I'm not anything amazing. I'm just...this pathetic little thing, who's managed to take off some weight, which is awesome, but...I'm still just me. The same damaged, confused little thing, with no idea what I'm doing or why, and no idea if I want to get better or not.
Ambien is also a sleeping pill. I have severe insomnia and night terrors. I've been using ambien regularly every night for the past two years, because I've always had a fucked up sleep schedule. I can stay awake for two days straight, and then sleep for fourteen hours. Super sucky.

Uh, there's more comments I wanted to reply to. brain is broken now. Today has been an utter rollercoaster. What, with motherly figure almost biting it, huge fight with my girlfriend and the then dumping (not official yet, because convo ended on an abrupt "Fuck you" after I had made her feel guilty enough to cry), another fight with a friend (who actually fought with me because I refused to let her say anything positive about me, and apparently, knew I needed to fight, so she picked it with me so I'd have someone to scream at who wouldn't take it seriously...she's like, the best fucking friend in the world, and I cried when I realized she had done that for me), and then just...blah. And witht he fever and sore throat and shit?

It's amazing I didn't throw something at a doctor. Or a nurse. I hate nurses. Except for as target practice.
They're like magnets for my shoes. An irresistible force. Their head is gravity, and the chucking of my Osiris is like a pitiful comet, caught in it's magnetic pull. I could no more stop the sun from rising, than I can stop my arm from flinging a fucking skater sneaker at some snide nurses face. Quickest way to get put in restraints, but oh, it is so worth it.....


  1. I'm really sorry to hear about your Stepmom. I'm glad she has you at the hospital sticking up for her. Hospitals fucking suck.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  2. 5 years clean is amazing gurl.

    and btw, when someone you love is in the hospital, your friends should be supporting and COMFORTING you. glad that relationship is over. Good job.

  3. I dont usually comment but i know what your going through i felt the same when my mum was ill. Hospitals are the worst esp doctors you need to keep asing them before they do anything. Sorry but your ex sounds like a bitch you deserve better.Having no friends is better than friends who are not there for you when need them the most. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care.

  4. I'm ditto=ing everything Mina Belle said.

    Jezz, what a selfish reaction your ex had. God.

  5. I'm back, sista.
    I've missed you dearly.

    And fuck, I've also missed EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN photo you've uploaded.
    I'm quite ruffled and disappointed about this.

    I hope you're okay. Wait, scratch that. I know you're not okay.
    I hope you'll be able to emerge sane and [somewhat] stable.

    Luvz, Skinny.