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Monday, January 18, 2010

I feel like putting my head into my hands
and crying.

Not for me.

But for them.

I see the people I used to love and know, and their eyes are so filled with pain. The memories of war written so plainly on their faces when they think nobody sees. A one night stand with a boy who I barely talked to in High School, who was always so filled with joy, and I knew when he touched me that there was lies hidden behind his fingers, but I kept myself so distant. I didn't want to be attached. I don't like men.
But now I wish I could see him again.

He's back in Germany. He's leaving for Afghanistan again. His third or fourth tour of duty.
He has PTSD. He can't go anywhere without his gun. He can't sleep unless it's under his pillow.

He can't sleep by himself or the nightmares overtake him.

His friend told me all of this. His best friend.

I cried when I left the house. I cried, and thought of how much laughter had been on his face when we had rolled around. And how much I wanted to reach into him and just hold him for some reason, and now I understand. I want to kiss over every scar on his body those road side bombs gave him. I want to make his smiles real. I want to save him, and I don't know how.

And others I knew, who never went to the war.

Another boy who used to be so perfect. Never touched drugs or liquor or anything bad.
His arms are now covered in scars from where he's cut himself. He hasn't been sober in going on seven years.

None of us have reached the age of 25. Most of them are barely 23.

Barely old enough to drink.

Barely old enough to know what we're doing.

I have an eating disorder. Another has PTSD. Another is so fucked up on drugs and liquor he can't recognize his own face half the time. He lives on the streets when none of the guys has a couch he can crash on.

We've fallen apart.

One of my friends, a girl, is getting divorced.
The boys have been lost.

The girls are struggling to support their own minds.

The world has completely shattered them. And they hide their pain with smiles and, and exist, because it's all they can do.

We weren't supposed to fall apart. We weren't supposed to be like this.
We were supposed to succeed. To have great dreams. To grow up. To eventually figure it out.

What happened to us?
What will happen to us?

I realized a few years ago--or thought I realized--that not all of us make it in the end.
I think I really got it yesterday.

I slept for almost 24 hours. When I wasn't sleeping, I was eating.
and when I wasn't doing either of those, I was trying not to cry.

So many people I know and who i went to school with and graduated with are dead.
Car accidents, murders...

Others...others are most likely going to be in the next few years.

We're not going to make it. Not all of us.

It's what makes the golden years so golden.
It's like getting a fucking medal.

"Congratulations. You lived this long. You beat the odds. You might not have made it in tact. But you're old enough to die and not have it be a super tragedy now."

Fuck everything.
This world is shit.
I want my innocence back.


  1. You're still alive. And one day, you'll have the role of making some child's innocence last as long as possible. Live for the future: you can't fix everything, but one day thing's will begin to unfold.



  2. What an incredibly powerful and moving post.
    I don't know what else to say. My heart is aching, because I see your world, this world. It's so true.
    I have nothing more to say, because my words would sound hollow compared to what you have just wrote.
    But the fight, it's the fight, we have to fight. There is some hope and goodness out there.
    We have to fight until the end and hope we find it.
    x x x x

  3. a few months ago i thought the exact same thing:
    i want my innocence back.
    im so sorry for your pain :( <3333

  4. oh for innocence and naivity
    thats really horrible in english calss we had to study this war book and i hated it especially the bits that refered to there pyscology post war i think because we have things wrong with us we feel other people with problems pain more the book really upset me but none of my friends seemed to care at all

    im 16 i have a friend 18 who drinks to much and crys to me on the phone every weekend another 17 who i havent seen sober/not stoned/not high in months (legal drinking age is 18 here)

    i used to be religious but i turned my back on it because i just cant understand why bad things happen to really good people

    your alive wish you the best and your friend who has to go back to war every breath is precious xx

  5. I'm still in High School, and hearing this terrifies me. It makes me anxious to think of people's lives when we're all separated and don't have a place to go and meet 5/7 days of the week.

    You can always become innocent again, but you'd need to forget everything and everyone.

  6. I'm echoing the post by Zoe, but I'll say it anyways: I am so sorry for your pain. But the way you wrote about it was absolutely breathtaking and beautiful.

    I've been following you for a while now, and finally got the guts to start my own blog. Check it out if you have the time. And until then, keep writing and keep hoping. Things can get better.

    ~ Esperanza

  7. I'm a new reader, and I was really struck by this post, because I'm going through the same stuff right now. That must be the biggest lie of your 20's - that you can have everything you want. You can BE anything you want.

    That these are the best years of your life. That no other decade of your life will be quite as amazing as it is right now.

    But what happens when it ISN'T amazing?

    The only solace, only comfort you can take is knowing you're not alone.
    Obviously, in this community, you'll never be alone.

    Take comfort, we're all here with you.



  8. The way you wrote it is amazing. so powerful. The "funny thing" is, some of what you said is what I have been thinking lately. it really gets to me. kind of "thank you", I guess...