"I don't think you could afford to lose 15 pounds."
My dad said that to me. I'm tired, I'm aching from working out, and my step mom and him BOTH said that today. I hate those words. "You're skinny enough."
What does that MEAN? No. I'm not. I'm not as skinny as girls I see at the gym who are still considered healthy. Why am I different than them? What the fuck is wrong with them? My thighs still touch. My arms are still big. I still have a lot of fat on me. And this isn't my dysmorphia. This is me talking to a girl who uses a locker near mine, and is my height, who's two sizes smaller than me, and has the perfect body that I want. She's considered HEALTHY. PERFECTLY HEALTHY. Why are people acting different to ME?
My eyes are tired. And I still have laundry to do.
I'm also really, really pissed off now.
And my dad went into my room, and grabbed ambien for my stepmom. And he asked why I'm taking an amphetamine when I used meth before. It's ADD meds for christ's sake.
God.
I also realized that I'm down to 118.2. And my last appointment with my psych, I weighed like, 129 with all my clothes on. And when I stepped on the scale after the gym with all my clothes on, I was down to 122. I'm stressed as hell. Because I want to keep losing, but my psych is going to weigh me. I need to start weighing myself after drinking like, a bottle of water and stuff, just to see if I can bring my weight up enough to not make him suspicious.
I'm so pissed right now.
I wish people would leave me alone. I hate hearing about weight, now. I hate getting everyone's opinions. I don't want to hear it. Why does it matter to them? They just need to shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear anything they have to say on it. Nobody tells you the truth when you ask. They say what you want to hear. Except when they think you could be TOO SKINNY. Because that's considered POLITICALLY CORRECT holy shit.
Fucking TIRED and NOT HAPPY.
I just want to curl up and forget the world. But I have to do laundry. Which means I have to go back out and see them again. I don't want to look at anyone now.
Also, I had some woman glare at me at the bank, and say loud enough for me to hear, but in that, looking-away-snide-remark-thing, "Stupid skinny bitch". Which made me look around and wonder who the fuck she was talking about, and when I realized she meant me, I sort of wanted ot hug her. Now I just want to hit her. HOw would she like if I randomly burst out with, "Dumb fat whore" in her direction?
PEOPLE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT MY BODY AND MY WEIGHT.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR OPINIONS, AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN STORIES AND THEIR OWN REASONS, AND JUST BECAUSE I LOOK DIFFERENT FROM YOU OR BECAUSE I STILL WANT TO GO FARTHER AND NOT SETTLE ON "GOOD ENOUGH" DOESN'T GIVE YOU FREE GOD DAMNED REIGN TO MAKE SNIDE FUCKING COMMENTS.
I don't judge you on your weight, or tell you what you should or should not be.
SO DON'T DO IT TO ME.
OBESITY IS MORE DEADLY THAN BEING UNDERWEIGHT.
SO FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOUR OPINIONS.
I'M AIMING FOR A HEALTHY WEIGHT STILL
SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
I inwardly scream those same words all the time.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when people start up their stupid conversations convinving themselves that they look great just as they are..
I once got told I was "too skinny". I mean. Really. What a stupid thing to say. Why treat me like a fool?
Nothing makes me more frustrated, but I know it's pointless.
The fact is, people will never understand, and never appreciate what we want. And they will always hate us for it.
It drives me insane, but we have to accept it and block it out somehow.
Whenever I find myself caught in these stupid conversations, I remind myself: there are hundreds of girls out there who have the same mind as me. I am not alone. There are people who support me.
Love Ophelia xx
You are not fat at all! That stupid lady had o right to day that about you and if you ever see her again and you get the chance to, call her a "Stupid Fat ass Whore" as you are walking out. I swear people are just so freaking rude these days it's ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteMy parents tell me all the time that I am skinny and am at a healthy weight, yet my mother has a ED/Exercising problem. She is always complaining about her weight and how I shouldn't lose any more.
This may not be the case but I just make myself believe that they are just jealous and that is why they make all of those comments. You have to think positive.
Good luck love.
grahhhhhhhhhh
ReplyDeletemy parents do that too...
makes.me.angry
and as a rebel at heart, it makes me want to lose weight like INSTANTLYYY
only i can put limits on myself.
NO ONE ELSE
& same goes for you, love
i know you can do it and i cannot wait for you to do it too :)
My Aunt told me today "...Anyways, I don't know why you, well, you just don't like eating...You need to stay fat the way you are." ... WOW! She's AT LEAST ten sizes bigger than me, AT THE LEAST.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean.
What you choose to do isn't for anyone else but yourself.
Cheers! To a good year (at least one that's better than the last) :)
When I lost a lot of weight two year ago, my parents told me that as well. But hey, my friends where still skinnier than me and considered healthy!!! I think they just can't deal with you changing, don't care, you look great and can look even better, you can do it!
ReplyDeleteAmazing before and after pics, btw!
~Stay strong, stay thin~
Sophie
I have just read your entire blog (I am such a slow reader) and I just find it so inspiring. Your before and after pics are just amazing, and I don't want to sound too sickening gushing, but you are like an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteI am just starting to take control of my life by letting Ana take control over my body, and you have showed me that perfection can be achieved.
Thank-you.
Okay I should stop now before I start to resemble a fawning mess, but I just wanted to let you know that your posts are helping me a lot.
Your blog is helping me to be strong.
Freya -x-
I think that people say ('don't lose more you will be too thin') because they are scared for us, to see us loosing weight.
ReplyDeleteFor instance , when I started my diet everybody at work were saying : 'dont loose your perfect like that you will be too skinny if you loose'.
I lost 20 pounds now and they still say that 'your body is perfect NOW what you lost weight'
Even if I loose an other 15 pounds they will still say that , I know it , because I toned and I excercises , I will not look unhealthy and that's the key.
People,like your parents' are just scared to see their daughter look like an unhealthy really skinny anorexic (no offense)
If you stay in your healthy weight and tone
and look in a great shape everybody will find you attractive. Maybe you just need to explain that to your parents... that you just want to be more fit and toned. (that's what I do and it work for me! )
This is only my opinion =)
Stay strong , I think you look great and your very inspiring.
hey, I've had this problem about being weighed too- here is what I did to get around it.
ReplyDeleteDo they weigh you with your clothes on? If they do wear multiple layers and cover it all with a sweat shirt.
Then, you can get those little mini weights that you insert into like the ankle weight things, anyways just stick them in your pockets, they weigh like 2-3 pounds each.
Also, a word to the wise on the drinking thing- that one is a classic. However, a lot of people have caught onto it and suspect that you will do it. Especially if you have to pee really soon after being weighed, which you will. So be careful with that one.
and one last tip- LOTS of metal jewelery.
good luck :)
<3
Elle
hm ...
ReplyDeletei can see why you feel so shitty. I would feel the same way.
Ah I don't get it why do people have to tell you stuff like "youre skinny enough" all the time? why don't they understand that it's about YOU and how YOU feel.
I mean it's not like you say things like "hey, you're quite fat. Lose some weight."
Which is like exactly the same thing, only reverse if you get me.
Does your psy weigh you with clothes on? Because maybe you could put like little heavy stuff in your pockets? Or bra?
I really hope he won't say anything. Even though he probably will because even if you can fool the scales, you've lost LOTS of weigh, he will notice.
You must look quite lovely now actually.
xxx
you've used meth?
ReplyDeletedon't you become instantly addicted to that?
Amen sister!
ReplyDelete