Sunday, January 3, 2010
I hate people.
"I don't think you could afford to lose 15 pounds."
My dad said that to me. I'm tired, I'm aching from working out, and my step mom and him BOTH said that today. I hate those words. "You're skinny enough."
What does that MEAN? No. I'm not. I'm not as skinny as girls I see at the gym who are still considered healthy. Why am I different than them? What the fuck is wrong with them? My thighs still touch. My arms are still big. I still have a lot of fat on me. And this isn't my dysmorphia. This is me talking to a girl who uses a locker near mine, and is my height, who's two sizes smaller than me, and has the perfect body that I want. She's considered HEALTHY. PERFECTLY HEALTHY. Why are people acting different to ME?
My eyes are tired. And I still have laundry to do.
I'm also really, really pissed off now.
And my dad went into my room, and grabbed ambien for my stepmom. And he asked why I'm taking an amphetamine when I used meth before. It's ADD meds for christ's sake.
I also realized that I'm down to 118.2. And my last appointment with my psych, I weighed like, 129 with all my clothes on. And when I stepped on the scale after the gym with all my clothes on, I was down to 122. I'm stressed as hell. Because I want to keep losing, but my psych is going to weigh me. I need to start weighing myself after drinking like, a bottle of water and stuff, just to see if I can bring my weight up enough to not make him suspicious.
I'm so pissed right now.
I wish people would leave me alone. I hate hearing about weight, now. I hate getting everyone's opinions. I don't want to hear it. Why does it matter to them? They just need to shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear anything they have to say on it. Nobody tells you the truth when you ask. They say what you want to hear. Except when they think you could be TOO SKINNY. Because that's considered POLITICALLY CORRECT holy shit.
Fucking TIRED and NOT HAPPY.
I just want to curl up and forget the world. But I have to do laundry. Which means I have to go back out and see them again. I don't want to look at anyone now.
Also, I had some woman glare at me at the bank, and say loud enough for me to hear, but in that, looking-away-snide-remark-thing, "Stupid skinny bitch". Which made me look around and wonder who the fuck she was talking about, and when I realized she meant me, I sort of wanted ot hug her. Now I just want to hit her. HOw would she like if I randomly burst out with, "Dumb fat whore" in her direction?
PEOPLE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT MY BODY AND MY WEIGHT.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR OPINIONS, AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN STORIES AND THEIR OWN REASONS, AND JUST BECAUSE I LOOK DIFFERENT FROM YOU OR BECAUSE I STILL WANT TO GO FARTHER AND NOT SETTLE ON "GOOD ENOUGH" DOESN'T GIVE YOU FREE GOD DAMNED REIGN TO MAKE SNIDE FUCKING COMMENTS.
I don't judge you on your weight, or tell you what you should or should not be.
SO DON'T DO IT TO ME.
OBESITY IS MORE DEADLY THAN BEING UNDERWEIGHT.
SO FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOUR OPINIONS.
I'M AIMING FOR A HEALTHY WEIGHT STILL
SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!