Monday, January 4, 2010
Failed attempts at positive thinking
Wound up breaking and going to Ihop yesterday. Chocolate chip pancakes, egg substitute, whipped cream, and 1 1/2 sausage links. Didn't eat all of the eggs, and left a few bites of pancakes. But I had been shaking and hadn't been sleeping for almost a week and a half, and my nails had started turning a purple-blue again. I was overcome with like, severe guilt, and so I just cracked.
I was at 117.8. I'm afraid to weigh myself today.
okay, just weighed self. ONLY A POUND. I expected FULLY to be back in the 120's, but I'm at 118.6. This is after drinking half a bottle of water and eating half of a 100cal ice cream to try and make my throat feel better.
So, I have this bad habit where I chew the inside of my cheeks. And I do it so often, that dead skin will start to build up. So I have to scratch it off sometimes when it gets too much. The other day, after my three hour mega work out from hell at the gym, I did that, but I didn't wash my hands first. Meaning lots of sweaty germs all over my fingers, went into an open cut in my mouth. Now my throat hurts. I knew it was gonna happen, but I'm a douche.
Also, stepmom is in the hospital, which...really is fucking with my head. It's weird, but we didn't get along for a really, really long time, but now she's kind of my best friend. My dad and I really rely on her, and I get scared when she has to go away. She's sick a lot. She has Ciliac disease and soy allergies, and bone spurs in her neck. It took them until she was in her mid to late 50's to figure this out.
She and I only recently started getting along. She came to terms with some of her health and mental disorders, and I came to terms with mine, and we bonded over them. Now she's struggling to break an Adavan addiction and I'm struggling to break an Ambien one. When I go on my Ambien binges, or start getting weird after taking it, she'll be the first person to drag me out of the room and sit down and just talk with me until I feel safe to go to sleep. She's always there for me to listen to me talk when I just need to babble, and she remembers everything I tell her, no matter how unimportant. She's done a lot to help our family, and we hated each other for so long, and now I don't know what I'd do without her. We hated each other because were both messed up, and had no idea how to deal with each other, and things got really volatile and psuedo violent for a while, but now it's just...better. I grew up and in a lot of ways, so did she.
I hate when she's sick. I hate that it's taken this long to start to figure things out. And I'm really afraid that she's not going to get better, or won't come home.
Life is very fragile.
Everything is fragile.
All it takes is one moment to lose your home. Your job. Your income. Your parents. Your stability. Your life. You could be getting ready to go somewhere right now, smiling and laughing, or stressed and anxious, and thinking, "I'll do this later", but there is no later. Do you think those girls or boys who go out with friends and wind up dead realized they were going to die that night? Do you think those people who get murdered or shot went out with a feeling like this was it? THat they ever thought that their lives were going to come to an end, and they'd cease to be a person, and suddenly become a victim? Do you ever look forward and realize that with only a blink, you could go from being a living, breathing, feeling, real YOU, to nothing but a body?
LIfe is fragile. Reality is fragile. Everything is so god damned delicate.
Everyone can go away with just...a breath. A breath is all that separates us from death. A single. Solitary. Breath. With one breath, one decision, one blink, our loved ones could be gone from our lives. Our spouses, our siblings, our parents, our children, our friends. One instant, and suddenly, that person you never thought you'd lose will never be there again, and will never come home again.
That's all it takes for your world to change. All it takes for the world to fall apart.
I hate hospitals. I hate when she has to go there.
I hate realizing how fragile this illusion of life is.
And now I'm late for work.
Needless to say, tomorrow is a gym day, but I doubt I'm going.
I could use the exercise, but I need to see her, and to let my throat heal up.
Stay strong, loves.