Control

Oh hunger, how I despise thee.

Not regular hunger.
No.
Not the pain in the stomach.
The ache in the body.
Feeling it above your eyes and behind them, like a pressure starting on the bone, slipping down and threatening to squeeze them from your head. A heavy weight of feathers tickling the back of your head and down into your shoulders and back. A full body feeling that has nothing to do with cravings or pains in the belly, but everything to do with a structural outcry for sustenance. A plea for anything to sate a slowly progressing lack of nutrition and fuel.

It makes me tired. Too tired to make food. Too tired to do anything but put my head down and wish I could sleep. But think of how much I want to eat.

It's not even a binge type hunger. There is no threat of a binge.
I don't know what this feeling is.

It's like if I eat, I'll be sick at this point.
I haven't even been that low on calories.
Just progressive restriction, perhaps?




Or it could just be the sickness still in my system. Lingering and thick.



Today I was at 116.8lb's. I have no idea how I'm still losing. Or how I feel this sort of hungry. My calories have been around 900-1100 a day, and I haven't been working out at all. Perhaps it's general muscle atrophy. Perhaps it's millions of things.


I can't wait until the end of the week. My last week working graveyards.
Hoorah.