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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Besides, you can't believe without bleeding.

"I don't know much
But a crutch is a crutch
If it's holding you from moving on
I don't know what to do
Not anymore, not anymore
I don't know what to do
Not anymore, not anymore
And you, well you mean everything
You mean everything to nothing
You mean everything to nobody but me."
-Manchester Orchestra

Date was awkward.
When will I learn to stop experimenting with heterosexuality?

I like him.
He's got collarbones sharp as razors. And a jaw sharp as sin. Delicate wrists and eyes the darkest brown. Gangly legs and a boyish smile, and he looks at me like a predator.
He stares at skinny girls and I do, too. Maybe once we get past the awkward realization that we both tend to prefer vaginas, then I won't feel so awkward with the fact that I like a person who doesn't have one. Though the lack of breasts will forever be unsatisfying. I'm wondering if I really like him, or I like the idea of being straight.
I've tried this path before. I always end up leaving, hungering for a woman again. Unable to really get into the guy thing. Sure, it's hot for the strangeness of it, and the foreign shapes and planes of their body. But at the end of the day, I hunger for long hair and lush hips, and the softness of flesh that only comes from a woman's skin.

Yesterday I did okay. Not eating wise, but better than I had been doing for a long time. I stayed around 1000 calories, and only because I started to have an ambien binge but stopped. But I also burned 900 calories on cardio at the gym, and then did another hour and a half of combined weights interspersed with walking the track. I'm down to 119.6 this morning, which is still sickeningly high, considering my lowest is 116.8 or something like that. Today, so far, I've had only 265 calories. My body doesn't ache yet from the exertion yesterday, and I plan to do another night of hard workout at the gym tonight. My goal caloric intake is 900 calories, since that seems to be a pretty good number for keeping myself from getting too severe of blue fingernails.
I've noticed it's kind of a permanent state of my hands, now. I figure when I finally get a job with good insurance, I'll get my circulation checked to make sure I haven't permanently fucked it up, but no matter if I eat well for like...weeks, my nails still turn purple.
At least they're not going numb anymore, since I've started taking iron supplements.

I'm tired, today. Worn out, and needing to do homework. It's a bad and good worn out all at once. I pushed hard enough at the gym to work myself to complete exhaustion. But that also means that I pushed hard enough to actually make an impact on my metabolism. While my weight hasn't really gone down to a good low, I feel thinner than I did when I woke up yesterday. Which is sort of what matters most, isn't it?

I'm very lethargic, though.

I always sleep so well when I work myself to collapsing. Last night was no exception. I worked beyond even the point of being hungry, to where my body was in such a state that it couldn't feel anything but tired. When I slept, it was hard and deep. I had weird dreams about a coworker of mine coming in before work, needing to change, and dressed in drag. And it was normal, for some reason. He's this tall, gangly black guy, and in my dream he was wearing a kind of bad blond wig and some god awful red lipstick and a blue powder blue, with some big fur lined coat. I can't remember if the outfit was a dress or not, but I know the coat was lined with white fur. It was the strangest thing. Like a cheap Ru Paul, but I was totally used to it at this point.


He's not feminine in real life. At all.
I wonder what a dream analyst would say about that XD!

Anyway, time for me to go pretend to work.

Stay strong, girlies.
I feel like it's a struggle to restrict. more so now than it ever has been before.
But I realized that I don't hunger for the food. I hunger for the texture. I don't need the texture. Is texture really worth my ass getting fat?

No. Didn't think so.

There will always be more food.

Just because I don't eat it now doesn't mean I can't find something later and have it then. When I'm allowed it, and it'll fit in with my calories.
There will always be more cookies, and cupcakes.
The trick is to eat them spaced out. To only have small amounts. To not try and have them all at once.
Because you will never, ever be where you are again. If you gain back all the weight you lost, it'll never come off again.
And then you'll be a failure.

At least, that's what I tell myself in the mirror.
I know it'll come off again, because it always does. Up, down, up, down. But I've never been this low. And to think, I'm still fat.
and have lots of skin.


Stay Strong.
Wish me the same.



  1. Wow that is so awkward. Like not that you prefer women but that you are on a date with a guy during that. I'm more preferred to men than women although I'm not straight ((Trying to find the best way to say it all XD))

    I hope it work out.

  2. It sounds like you have a good plan! I think the 900 cals is a good amount to eat with all the exercising you're doing, since you will need some energy to work out so hard. And I so know what you mean about sleeping well after being completely exhausted to the point of collapse. It is sooo good :)