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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Update from the front lines

"Save me from my former self;
the crease between the pages is the line I crossed and lost myself.
Now this is my box,,
these are my walls,
this is when time stops
and I'm all there ever was,
and I'm all there ever is
and I'm all there ever will be...
a freeze frame pine box soliloquy."
-Sage Francis

Just a quick note to let you all know I'm not dead.
My weight is going up and down. From about 119-123. Right now, I'm having a hard time restricting or doing anything, and I'm just trying not to focus on it.

A lot has changed.

Something has happened. And it's not like "Oh, there's something terrible", or "Oh, there's something wonderful". It's not even something I can put my finger on.

My life has changed. Or it is changing. I don't know how or why.

I just feel it. Deep in my bones.

There's this...thing that's shifting. A palpable altering in my reality.

I met someone.
And I'm about to meet with them for the first time.
And it's not really like...I don't know. I don't know what will come of it.
I don't know how I feel.
I feel kind of ambivalent.
Mostly because I just broke my Zune. I can't get the fucking pause function to work. I want to throw it but...that's kinda how I broke it the first time around.

A friend of mine is in the hospital. 20 years old and might have had a stroke.
And it just hit me that I'm growing up.

I'll post up more later as it goes or happens. Or whenever. I'm not sure when I'll be returning with quasi regular updates. My parents want to have some talk or another, so it might be after then. I have a feeling i need to hide my thinspo shit, though. But that's always the case when someone close to me says "it's time for a talk".

I just realized, writing this, how much I miss my girlies (and boys) on here, and how much I rely on you to keep me on the right track when it comes to not gorging.
I think I need to come back more firmly.
I miss you guys.
Hope you missed me, too.

Hopefully I'll be able to write more later.




  1. ha ha YAY zune!!
    Plz keep us updated on the "talk".
    I never like to have one of those, always bad.

  2. Hoorah for having a working Zune! I am a fellow Zunester! lol i love my Zune.

    Yeah having to have "talks" with people are never good ugh.

    Good luck with the talk and Stay Strong!

  3. YOURE BACK! you have no idea how much you have been missed. i hope your friend is okay, its scary as hell how fast life hits. good luck with your parents as well.

  4. ooook so I have a random question- I just added a template to my page- but then it took away the background color I had n changed it to white... How do i get the background to that color again?
    cause you have the same type of template- well from the same place, but you have a color on yours- so i figured you would know...
    if you can help- respond to:

  5. whatever it is; your strength will help you

  6. Stay strong lovely. Life moves so fast sometimes it's hard to keep up! Just remember what makes you happy.

  7. you know of Sage Francis?? LOVE him.

    shifting and changing is a great thing. it's unfamiliar, yes, it's unnerving, sure, but it also means progress and possibility.

    good luck!