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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head that I did not understand....

I wouldn't kill myself because I think whatever is on the other side is better.
I wouldn't do it because I'd think that somehow it all would end.
I hold no disillusions that say that things would magically get better. I know it's selfish, and mean, and I think that if I did forcibly self-pop it, I would have to come back again, and repeat the whole process again.

I think I'd do it because it would start again.
I'd kill myself because I'd be tired of the body I'm in. I'd be confused by the mess I'm in. Fed up with having to deal with the tangles in my own head, and not even knowing where to start. I would do it because there would be nothing else. Because I'd know I have true potential to do anything, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to.
I would do it because I can't find the switch to turn me on. Because there's something in me that's defective. I wouldn't do it because I'm really depressed, but because I'm broken. I've known I was broken since i was a little kid. That I wasn't normal, or right, and that I would never, ever, ever be like other people.
I would do it so I could walk up to god
hand that ultimate deity my mind
and say, "I want a refund."

That's why I'd do it.
That's what my motives will be if these ever prevalent thoughts finally overcome me and say "Pull the trigger" in a voice too loud to be ignored. It won't be with a scream of rage or a sob of agony that I go out with. There will be no overwhelming tears on my part. No desperate search for peace. No clawing misery and some twisted misconception that the world will be better off without me.

With neither shouts nor simpers will I take my life. It will be with a sigh, a shrug, and a simple, "Damn. Better luck next time, eh chums?"


  1. I wish I had the right words that could erase these thoughts from your mind, they are so dark and heavy, sadly, I don't but I care about you. I wish I did have those words.


  2. Holy crap. I know what you mean. To me death is not frightening at all. To me its like a peacefull sleep.

    I've also been wondering, is it better to live a largely happy UNhappy life, where you are never able to really take control, make your own decisions, etc.. or to simply die happily, knowing atleast, I was in control of that! (Take that, world! )AGhhggghh!im crazy.

    Yah, I'd also like a refund..:/
    Hang in there! "If the story ain got a happy ending, then it aint really the end, folks!" (Quote that popped randomly into my head.)

    :) <3

  3. That pretty much sums up how I feel, but more beautifully than i could ever write it, I hope your alright, x.

  4. For some reason, most people don't seem to get this. You expressed it so beautifully precisely it bought a tear to my eye.

    Where's the bloody refund?! Surely we can claim a tax credit in the form of decreased wrinkles/arthritis as compensation?

  5. I have felt like that. I was hospitalized because of it, so that I couldn't kill myself.

    I don't feel that way anymore. I don't know what changed exactly, or how I went from feeling so broken to feeling better. I wish I knew, I wish I could tell you there's some magic secret to it, but there doesn't seem to be. I still have some issues I need to work through, but I don't want to die anymore.

    Just know that it is possible to stop feeling that way, to actually be happy. I used to think it was impossible, I spent years thinking it was impossible.

    But it's not impossible.

  6. So many people call suicide "selfish", because they have never been there.

    Sure, death would be bad, but the other option is a life of suffering.

    I'm not religious in any way, but if there IS a God who meets me at the end, I plan to say, "What kind of stupid idea was THAT?"

    I hope that you know there are others who understand you, and that it's enough.

  7. (L)
    your writing is so beautiful, it breaks my heart.
    i cant tell you what to do, but i can tell you that reading your blog makes me happy, and i hope your life never comes to that

  8. Your words are beautiful but please try to find the strength not to act on these thoughts. I understand how powerful these feelings are but take the time to consider your reasons for carrying on too. Sending you love during this particularly difficult time. xox

  9. I know how your feeling and it runs through my mind daily but it wont answer anything cuz you never know what awaits after death

  10. What if there is no after-life?
    Start over now... take care of yourself now... love yourself now.

    Much {{HUGS}}

    xoxo zen

  11. Remember that you are blessed in at least one way; you are loved and appreciated by people who have never heard your voice or shaken your hand. You are a support to hundreds and a truly wonderful person. At least I think so.