I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head that I did not understand....

I wouldn't kill myself because I think whatever is on the other side is better.
I wouldn't do it because I'd think that somehow it all would end.
I hold no disillusions that say that things would magically get better. I know it's selfish, and mean, and I think that if I did forcibly self-pop it, I would have to come back again, and repeat the whole process again.

I think I'd do it because it would start again.
I'd kill myself because I'd be tired of the body I'm in. I'd be confused by the mess I'm in. Fed up with having to deal with the tangles in my own head, and not even knowing where to start. I would do it because there would be nothing else. Because I'd know I have true potential to do anything, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to.
I would do it because I can't find the switch to turn me on. Because there's something in me that's defective. I wouldn't do it because I'm really depressed, but because I'm broken. I've known I was broken since i was a little kid. That I wasn't normal, or right, and that I would never, ever, ever be like other people.
I would do it so I could walk up to god
hand that ultimate deity my mind
and say, "I want a refund."



That's why I'd do it.
That's what my motives will be if these ever prevalent thoughts finally overcome me and say "Pull the trigger" in a voice too loud to be ignored. It won't be with a scream of rage or a sob of agony that I go out with. There will be no overwhelming tears on my part. No desperate search for peace. No clawing misery and some twisted misconception that the world will be better off without me.

With neither shouts nor simpers will I take my life. It will be with a sigh, a shrug, and a simple, "Damn. Better luck next time, eh chums?"