I'm not dead.
Just letting you all know.
I haven't killed myself, don't worry.
I'm not depressed. Which is funny to think about. My problem is that I'm numb. I don't feel things very well. I don't process things very well. But I go through phases where I feel things so strongly it shakes me to my core, and then where I feel nothing at all. Where it's all essentially meaningless.
I can tell when I"m getting there. I start trying to be with men to be normal again. I start eating a lot. I stop working out. I cut off all contact.
It's symptomatic. Stage after stage after stage...
...I'm in a COED phase. I have a stash of food hidden in my room. More than a stash.
I went to the store and bought ice cream and powdered sugar and peanut butter, and ate until I was sick.
More than just one day in a row.
Burgers, pizza, food, food, food. No care about weight. No desire to lose. I've, luckily, only peaked at 126, and seem to be at a high of 124. Still too much. Still too much fat.
Still so fucking disgusting.
Overweight for my height.
No space between these thighs.
There's a girl at school who's anorexic.
She's bones. Long and tiny, with legs that are small as my arms. I see her, and her sunken eyes, and her liner smudged under the lids. Today, I finally put back on the red ribbon around my wrist to remind me not to eat. She's seen me staring at her, and then she saw that.
I think she knows, if she is like this.
A girl I've known since Jr. High announced she's been bulimic for 4 years, when I was trying to tell her to lose weight in a healthy way. I told her I have some first hand experience with ED's, but I don't like to talk about it. She said if I ever needed to, I could, but that she's glad I'm better.
I never said I was better.
I don't want to be. Not really.
COED phases rule.
In the not sort of way.
It's pure willpower over desire that needs to stop me from eating. I don't even care about being thin right now. I just want to eat. I just want to eat and eat even when I'm not hungry.
And it'll be willpower that'll stop me.