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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My itching fingers tease my flippant thoughts

I'm not dead.
Just letting you all know.
I haven't killed myself, don't worry.
I'm not depressed. Which is funny to think about. My problem is that I'm numb. I don't feel things very well. I don't process things very well. But I go through phases where I feel things so strongly it shakes me to my core, and then where I feel nothing at all. Where it's all essentially meaningless.

I can tell when I"m getting there. I start trying to be with men to be normal again. I start eating a lot. I stop working out. I cut off all contact.
It's symptomatic. Stage after stage after stage...

...I'm in a COED phase. I have a stash of food hidden in my room. More than a stash.
I went to the store and bought ice cream and powdered sugar and peanut butter, and ate until I was sick.
More than just one day in a row.
Burgers, pizza, food, food, food. No care about weight. No desire to lose. I've, luckily, only peaked at 126, and seem to be at a high of 124. Still too much. Still too much fat.
Still so fucking disgusting.
Overweight. Obese.
Overweight for my height.
No space between these thighs.

There's a girl at school who's anorexic.
She's bones. Long and tiny, with legs that are small as my arms. I see her, and her sunken eyes, and her liner smudged under the lids. Today, I finally put back on the red ribbon around my wrist to remind me not to eat. She's seen me staring at her, and then she saw that.
I think she knows, if she is like this.

A girl I've known since Jr. High announced she's been bulimic for 4 years, when I was trying to tell her to lose weight in a healthy way. I told her I have some first hand experience with ED's, but I don't like to talk about it. She said if I ever needed to, I could, but that she's glad I'm better.
I never said I was better.

I don't want to be. Not really.
COED phases rule.

In the not sort of way.

It's pure willpower over desire that needs to stop me from eating. I don't even care about being thin right now. I just want to eat. I just want to eat and eat even when I'm not hungry.
And it'll be willpower that'll stop me.



  1. I guess, Ive been in that stage several times, where you just eat, and you know it's wrong, but your waiting for something to happen, waiting for yourself to come back and say, hold on, what the fuck is going on here?
    I'm glad your not dead, I must say, that was a relief,
    be careful though, x.

  2. Your willpower is there, you know it is. Just let it come out full force, and you will win over this food. Remember how good it will feel to be skinny! Just regain that strength!!


  3. I recently found your blog and was inspired by your whole weight loss journey. Girl, the funk you're in right now is just a battle. You're winning the war!

  4. "It's pure willpower over desire that needs to stop me from eating. I don't even care about being thin right now. I just want to eat. I just want to eat and eat even when I'm not hungry.
    And it'll be willpower that'll stop me." I couldn't have phrased it better myself. We will get the power back, if we all work together. If we stay focused on our goals we will do it.

  5. *hugshugshugshugshugshugshugshugshugs*

    Have I ever told you you're my favouritest bloggerjewgirl in the whole wide world? That I love you to bits and want you to live a long and disgustingly happy life that gives people diabetes when they hear about it coz it's so syrupy?

    I can't imagine how much COED would suck. Maybe it's your brain snapping straight to the other end of the spectrum from working out so much? (I still stand in awe of you killer workouts 0.0)

    Have a good night, I'm sending you warm fuzzies through the internet (They'll try to escape out the speakers, so grab 'em!!)


  6. i have times when it doesn't matter how much i tell myself "this is going to make me fat, i want to be skinny, all i want is to be thin, look what you're putting into your body", i still eat and eat. for a short moment, that eating makes me happy. but then afterwards i'm completely and utterly miserable. it's not worth it.
    i'm sure you can find the willpower. just stay strong, and pull yourself out of it. you can do it (: x

  7. it's times like these where we feel at our worst.
    When we give into temptation. It hurts soo bad. But the point is to get up, stand up, dust yourself off, and put down the food again. Throw it out. cover it in bleach.. cover it in comet powder.. something.. but don't eat it again.. it's a waste of money but how I see it is.. you shouldn't have bought it in the first place right? it was a waste of money to buy the food. I think you'll be fine! I think you get back on track.. let the ana girl inspire you. let her strangth help you. next time you see her... smile at her. maybe even wave a little. if conversation starts.. just tell her that you've seen her around... her friendship may help you.

    I really like your blogs. you have essence.