Saturday, February 27, 2010
This is War.
I sometimes feel like an idiot. Isolated and alone, and like I want to deny that i have anything wrong with me. "Eating proves I'm a fake."
Then I post something up here.
And...well...I realize people relate.
Strange, isn't it?
Some of us have COED phases, others don't. I never noticed the restrictive phases before. But I can remember the torment of the COED ones. How terrible it was to eat, and how often I would sit there in tears wondering why I couldn't just stop with one brownie like everyone else.
After that post, I got a migraine. I had a two day binge fest. One of them literally happened in the space of two hours, wherein I consumed half a loaf of cinammon struessel cake, and half of a large pizza, followed by two ice cream bars, three cups of milk, and some poptarts. The next night was a series of chocolates, ice cream, girlscout cookies, powdered sugar, bread and butter, literally two palmfulls of salt, and more poptarts.
I know weigh 127.6lb's.
When I saw that, I think something in me snapped. I've been watching thinspo videos religiously, forcing myself to stare at them. Listening to the music and hearing every word. I've downloaded Manic Street Preachers entire discography, and have had 4st 7lb on repeat for the past 24 hours, so even in my dreams last night I was singing, "I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view! I wanna walk in the snow and not leave a footprint. I wanna walk in the snow and not soil it's purity." I keep looking at pictures thinking, "I was so close, but then, I got fat again."
I keep looking in the mirror thinking I look just like I did before I started.
Is it true? I don't know. Don't tell me if it's not. I need to think that I am. I need to hear that I look worse. That I will be so much worse if I gain more weight.
127.6 is the equivalent of being up to 197 again. I'm that same fat slob. Because if I don't stop now, if I don't stop eating now, I'm not going to stop until I'm even fatter than before. That's how it always happens.
The key to losing and keeping it off is will power.
I'm back, my dolls.
Today I've had 100 calories. I am going to be awake for about another 9 or 10 hours. I'm going to go to the gym here after I finish cleaning the bathroom and start my first load of laundry.
I'm only going to do 600 calories today.
Because that? That is what made me lose before.
600 calories a day.
That's the highest I am allowed to go to, until I get back down to 116.
To distract myself, I will have lots of tea, study my ass off, and clean like a motherfucker.
I'm also pulling myself off of my adderall, which is an appetite supressant, but I will control my appetite, and I will not eat, because I? I am stronger than side effects.
I am stronger than food.
Fuck that, I am stronger than my god damned mind.
I will not eat, because I am better than food.
I am better than the fat on my body.
And I will prove it by ripping the fat off strip by strip, pound by pound, and leaving it behind me in the miles I run on the treadmill.
Fuck food. All of you are right. I'm going to cover it in bleach and throw it in the trash.
My binge stash is GONE.
My cupboards are going to be empty.
All that will be left are rice cakes, carrots, and soy beans. And of course, my pepsi one, because that shit is fucking WIN when it comes to killing hunger.
I will win.
I will beat this.
I will be down to 116 again. And then, I won't stop. I won't let that be the end point.
When I get there, I'll lose more.
More and more and more.
I am going to get there.
I am going to be 103.
I am going to fucking perfect.
I will win.
This is my war cry. This is my defense of my cause.
I will go to battle for the skeleton within me, and I will conquer the beast in my belly that screams for food. I will win this war with water and tea and the sweat from my skin with every mile I run and every sit up I perform. I will be bloodied and tired, and by the end, there will be nothing but the bare necessities that remain of me. But I will stand on the pile of my enemies, and I will be the perfect statuesque epitome of strength and power, the priestess of the hunger goddess--restrictions neophyte turned starvation's virtuoso.
I will conquer.
I will succeed.
I will pave the path of denial, and I will reap the rewards at the end.
See me decay.
See me blossom.
See me win.
For when my choices are hunger or gluttony?
Thin is the only option.