When I've burned a lot of calories at the gym, and have been restricting, I can feel the shift in my mood.
I'm not as happy. I'm not as on top of my game mentally. I'm quick to irritability. I'm more withdrawn.
It's weird, but I still smile, and I still interact. The anger feels like a sign of success. "Diamonds are made through the pressure and pain of fire." This is my pressure. This is my blaze.
This is my purifying flame.
I'm still up high on the calories. But the longer I go eating less, the more and more I want to eat less. The more successful I am, and the harder I work at the gym, the less i want to binge. The more guilty I feel for binging and for making it all not-worth-it.
The less I eat, the less I want to eat. The more successful I am at refraining, the easier it is to turn away sweets. "Why destroy it all for momentary satisfaction? This feeling of success is much better."
When the actual starvation pains kick in, it'll be harder, I know that.
I'm on 900 calories a day, which is a LOT. Which means it'll be a lot longer until I start to really feel it. It's a slower onset right now.
Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to get down lower.
I was 119.6 again this morning. My own fault for eating cereal right before bed. I'm sure, had I been able to weigh myself an hour after waking up, I would have weighed less than right after i woke up, but I didn't have the time before work. And I had to dye my hair.
I've been doing good today. Very good. I even have a box of 100 calorie reeses snacks, and there's seven packets in a box. I was allowed to have one today, and I did. And while I had that initial, "OMFG I WANT ANOTHER", I didn't. I put it away. And I haven't had that overwhelming urge to have one, since.
Because while it tasted good, I'd rather be proud of myself.
I need to lower my calories. I will, as soon as I'm sure i have control over me again.
I also need to go through and read blogs. I think tonight, if i don't go out to a bar, I'm gonna catch up on a lot of your guys' blogs, and do some homework, since I have an exam here REALLY soon. Which is nuts. I'm so fucking behind for this stupid personal trainer course thing.
Stay strong, babies.
Let me know how you all have been.