s weird.When I've burned a lot of calories at the gym, and have been restricting, I can feel the shift in my mood.
I'm not as happy. I'm not as on top of my game mentally. I'm quick to irritability. I'm more withdrawn.
It's weird, but I still smile, and I still interact. The anger feels like a sign of success. "Diamonds are made through the pressure and pain of fire." This is my pressure. This is my blaze.
This is my purifying flame.
I'm still up high on the calories. But the longer I go eating less, the more and more I want to eat less. The more successful I am, and the harder I work at the gym, the less i want to binge. The more guilty I feel for binging and for making it all not-worth-it.
The less I eat, the less I want to eat. The more successful I am at refraining, the easier it is to turn away sweets. "Why destroy it all for momentary satisfaction? This feeling of success is much better."
When the actual starvation pains kick in, it'll be harder, I know that.
I'm on 900 calories a day, which is a LOT. Which means it'll be a lot longer until I start to really feel it. It's a slower onset right now.
Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to get down lower.
I was 119.6 again this morning. My own fault for eating cereal right before bed. I'm sure, had I been able to weigh myself an hour after waking up, I would have weighed less than right after i woke up, but I didn't have the time before work. And I had to dye my hair.
I've been doing good today. Very good. I even have a box of 100 calorie reeses snacks, and there's seven packets in a box. I was allowed to have one today, and I did. And while I had that initial, "OMFG I WANT ANOTHER", I didn't. I put it away. And I haven't had that overwhelming urge to have one, since.
Because while it tasted good, I'd rather be proud of myself.
I need to lower my calories. I will, as soon as I'm sure i have control over me again.
I also need to go through and read blogs. I think tonight, if i don't go out to a bar, I'm gonna catch up on a lot of your guys' blogs, and do some homework, since I have an exam here REALLY soon. Which is nuts. I'm so fucking behind for this stupid personal trainer course thing.
Stay strong, babies.
Let me know how you all have been.
♥
Honey, you were pure diamond before you started refining yourself! Are you trying to improve the clarity and colour of said diamond? You are reducing the carats as you cut away the flesh. (Ok, metaphor tired now)
ReplyDeleteGo study!! Use teh blogger as a study break reward :p
. . . you aren't mad at me over the 'second favourite jew' comment are you? I forget not everyone has a similarly warped sense of humour to Aunty Dom and co :(
"Ho ho ho...hee hee hee....ha ha ha!"
ReplyDelete(The phrase after the phrase that you titled your blog with...but you knew that :P)
Nothing gets my attention more than a Beatles quote.
I like the "OMFG I WANT ANOTHER!". That goes through my head every time, usually shortly before traipsing through Binge-land. Ugh.
Go get your work done now. :)
peace
Emily
Hey girl! I just read your progress, 80lbs lost?!?! That is... wow. No words for it :D !!
ReplyDeleteBut why do you wanna go further down? 120 is really not that much comparing to your height? You don't need it. I'm SURE you have a space between your legs when you stand and that you can show your ribs on the back when you stretch... Instead of going further down try to maintain the weight you have now and then find a way to maintain it in a way you can live with?
Ah, I know I'm a buzz-kill, I'm just in recovery for an ED now and... It just saddens me that you have come so far and a, ED is you reward?
Take care <3
Love Cille
its true, the less u eat the less u want to eat. at least sometimes. geez u have a lot of self control, u inspire me....good for you, putting away the packet and not eating another one! im such a bitch a prob wud have eaten them all. and then thrown them up and felt like the pig that i was. keep up the good work girl. xoxoxo
ReplyDelete