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Friday, February 12, 2010

Peri--I'm only upset because I'm your second favorite Jew *nods* XD You're talking to me. I insult people as a way of saying I like you. I am the Queen of Jew Jokes, ok? A recent conversation with my Dad:
Me: "We so Jewed them."
Dad: "Don't say that. That's terrible."
Me: "Excuse me. We Us'ed them."

"Us'ed" being like "You and Me".

My BMI is 24-24.9 right now. I'm on the high end of healthy, but my Body Fat percent is still high. A doctor and nutritionist have both told me that to be truly healthy, I need to lose another sixteen pounds, at least.
I don't have a gap in my legs. I actually have very large thighs. That's the problem. Right now, I am mostly maintaining. But I don't want to stop. I have belly fat, there's no ribs from the back, and there is still something of a roll. You can start to see my ribs when I stretch. The only prominent thing is my collar bone.
thank you for your concern, bb.

As for everyone else;
I'm going to go get tested for Kidney Failure.
If I wind up with that, I would be getting onto medicaid or something else. Meaning I'd have insurance. Meaning I'd get a real head doctor. So I could get something other than Adderall, and get treated for the things I really have.
It's a mixed blessing.
Terrifying and deadly, but I dunno.
I have to go get tested.
I'm too afraid to.

No. It wouldn't be brought on by my eating disorder.
I'm an ex meth addict with kidney dysfunction running in my family, and I've been abusing excedrin, sleeping pills, and stimulants most of my life. I was also severely obese for a long time, which also leads to the problems with the kidneys.
The "Cigarettes and speed for living//sleeping pills to feel forgiven" pretty much sums up the majority of my life.



Yesterday, the pain started up in my kidneys bad enough to put me on my knees.
I completely went back on the strength I talked about in not wanting to eat, and had a cheeseburger and fries, a cookie, and later, a bowl of cereal. I now feel bloated and disgusting.
it didn't undo everything. I'm still not as fat as I once was. I'm still in low 120's. I'll make up for it soon enough.

I'm going to go stretch out and finish up at my job. Then head to the gym. Kidney pain or not, I need to walk. Because not moving is giving up. Giving up on my health, on me, on my future.
If you lay down and give in to pain or depression, it will consume you. That's why you can never stop.
You can never lay down.
You can never give in.
Because that's the way you start to die.

That's how you lose.

The end.


  1. You know what? You really are my thinsporation!

    Kidney failure = SUCK.

    Feel better lady! :)

  2. I'm so sorry about the kidney thing... My mom had (has?) Polycystic Kidney Disease which caused her kidneys to completely fail.
    If there is ANY possible way to help your kidneys at this point, DO IT. Dialysis is a bitch you don't want to get involved with. Every other day until a transplant... it's horrid. Absolutely awful.

    I'm sorry for the depressing comment, but I REALLY want you to know that you can't go through that... I wouldn't wish kidney failure for my enemies. I have a 50% chance of having the gene which causes PKD and I'm absolutely terrified.

    Nutrition-wise, cut your sodium and phosphorous and potassium if the docs say there's a possibility of anything going on. You gotta keep them babies healthy!! I want to give you a huge hug and tell you YOU CAN DO IT!!

    We love you, stay as healthy as possible!! <3

  3. I would definately go and get your kidneys checked out, that really doesn't sound pleasant. The last part of what you wrote really, I can't explain,
    you are right, so, so right.
    I hope your okay, x.

  4. Wow, kidney failure? You poor girl :( I'm sorry. I guess you have to look on the bright side for something like that, which you seem to be doing. Health insurance! Wooo! lol

    I hope you feel better xoxo

  5. I hope your kidney/pain/medicaid/medicine/mostly the pain and bad health part/but everything else, out for the best. <3

    Good for you for not giving up. Keeping your chin up and keeping up the fight, even in the face of all that tries to defeat you. You have my genuine admiration and support.

    Stay lovely, dear, and be well.