He looked at me.
More than just out of my league.
Muscles. Attractive. Smooth voice. Deep tone. Fit as could be, muscles in his stomach shaped out of stone.
He smiled.
Looked away.
I did too...
...then caught his eyes on me again, staring with appreciation.
But my stomach felt fat.
So I wrapped my arms around it. Smiled back, as convincingly as I could, wanting his attention, wanting to be seen by him as someone worthy of attention...but then I realized that hiding my stomach made my arms smash against my sides, and my arms looked fat.
So I let it go. Sucked in my stomach. Put my hands on my lower back.
But then I realized my shoulders looked fat.
So I put on my sweater. Glanced in the full length mirror...
...and realized it made my legs look big.
So I hid.
I ran away.
And I hid.
He was still looking after my arms had been fat. And my legs had been fat.
But I didn't want him to see me anymore.
I couldn't think of anything attractive for him to look at.
I can't run.
My leg is too screwed up.
I can't exercise.
Not real cardio.
I feel helpless.
Unable to feed my addiction.
Fat.
Unable to change it.
I keep binging at night.
If I could stop that, things would better. I would lose the weight.
Just have to stop the night binging.
I can starve all day, but before bed, I break.
Always break.
Bah.
No more.
One day,
one day,
I'll have something worth looking at.
And I won't need to hide when someone looks at me.
Night bingeing, the not-quite-silent killer. I'm sure I would be about 90 pounds right now if not for it /:
ReplyDeleteHang in there, dear. <3
That happens to me a lot. Best thing I can think to do is not eat all day then when you get home eat your entire calorie allowance so that way it feels like a binge. Works for me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. Just remember if you say, oh I'll stop bingeing, tomarrow, you'll say the same words again, tomarrow.
ReplyDeleteoh..I know this feeling.. I know how it is to realise sb likes you and really really wonder why.. like you don't deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI hold myself from bingeing at nights, but this feeling doesn't go away..
:)
I know how it feels. You get all happy for a second and then realize that you can't possibly be worth that attention, it has to be something or someone else that caught his eye. But one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that when I reach my goal, I might be worthy of such attention. Good luck with getting rid of the night binges. I had problems with that too but then I went to boarding school and I don't keep food in my house there. That way I can't binge even if I want to.
ReplyDeleteI eat a teeeeny tiny bit every two hours. I never have problems with night binge! I start eating at 6, then 830, 1130, 2, with a "dinner" at 5. These "snacks" could be half an apple, a cup of juice, an orange, etc, with the dinner being under 400 cals. Seems to work well.
ReplyDeleteThis is so what I do. :/
ReplyDeleteIt seems that night time is the right time for binging for most of us. I know you'll get through it. I'm sorry about your injuries. Soon they will heal and you can work out and be Miss Hotness in no time at all!!
ReplyDeleteI dont eat anything all day, never hungry..Hungry or not I, Binge at night...I just can seem to go to bed with an empty stomach! www.skinnyland.com
ReplyDeleteLikewise...I Starve all day & binge at night.. Cant seem to sleep on an empty stomach! :-(
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. I just found your blog and have spent the last hour reading through it. I'm so proud of you! If only I get as far.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble just shoving off 20 lbs. I basically binge every two days.
I hope you get to 103. I know you can
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ReplyDeletewow u sound so sweet here, talking about that boy. i mean, maybe it's just me feeling that way, since i know what ur talking about, the legs, the arms, the stomach... i look at my photos and my eyes stab at every fat part of my body, especially my fat thighs and big butt... i binge like there's no tomorrow, then starve for days... but still, u are so dedicated, dropping 72 lb thus far. sure u can do more. i don't know if i can, i should though. we'll see. /xo
ReplyDeleteyou're so sweet and amazing. and god do i know that feeling!
ReplyDeletethank you for your comment. alcohol is no banned!
but i feel so ashamed because we both started at the same time and you've come so far! and all i've done is gone backwards. i feel like i've let you down so much!
xoxxxxx