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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The problem is Diet's not a big enough word....

127.4 124.8 today.
My body listened. It said, "Oh, yes, I approve of this metabolism confusion method. Here, let me eat a huge amount of my flesh to show it!"

I'm not gonna complain.

If I manage to be at 125.4 (1lb under my goal for this week) then I'm going to let myself have up to 1000 calories tomorrow. Today, I want to try and keep it around 800, since I'm actually up super early. Hopefully I can keep it at LESS. But if I do 800, then I have to go running after work. Which I did last night. It helped, I think.

Though I did start to cut again last night after eating a small bar of chocolate and some popcorn. Still was within my calorie requirements. But the popcorn, despite only being 300 calories for a bag (30 calories per cup, 4 cups per serving, 2.5 servings per bag) and only eating about 80 calories worth (plus the small chocolate bar, totaling 140 calories) I felt greasy and gross. Started to cut. Stopped before I really gouged into my flesh. I'm not sure what this new fetish with self harm is. It seems COMPLETELY illogical any other time than right before bed. But then again, so does stuffing myself with whipped mouse and sugar free cookies until I'm close to vomitting, and then dipping ice cream in powdered sugar and eating half a tub of it. In fact, that sounds all disgusting, until it's night time and I'm about to go to bed.
HOORAH for night binges.
Gotta get those under control. I'd be fine, if not for them.

I need to keep losing.
Chugging on and chugging on and chugging on....

...800 calories is a super lot.
I think after I get back from the doctors, I'm just gonna nap so I don't eat.
And then stick to a small amount when I'm at work. Just enough to stave off a migraine.
And then, then, then, then, then...then I'll go be awesome, and run again, or something.
And be at 125.4 by tomorrow. Since I full and well expect to gain a little after how much I lost in one day (you don't lose over 2lb's in a day and NOT gain some back). And then, then, then, then, tomorrow? Tomorrow?
I can have One. Thousand. Calories. If I just be really strong. And really good. And keep my weight under control today.
That's all I need.
Just control today.
I already know what I'm going to eat.
This pot sticker dish. Only 360 calories, which is a HUGE AMOUNT, but I'll still have like, 640 calories left over, right? I mean, that's a lot of calories for one day. That's more than I'm allowed to eat on regular days. So I'll have eggs in a basket for breakfast at a total of 130 calories, then I'll have the potstickers, and after that, I don't know what I'll eat, because that'll be so much fucking food already, and I'll STILL have calories left.

I'm so excited for that.
Of course, I'll have to go work out.
But I'll still be at a calorie deficit. Which, will be win. On many levels.
And I can have potstickers.
And maybe maybe maybe MAYBE I'll have a cupcake to round it all off with and still be in my calorie limit.
Holy shit. That's all so much food.
And if I'm good, I'll deserve it, and I can reward myself.
Fucking 1000 calories.
I'll be STUFFED.
And then I can starve again. I think that's a good reward, right? If I'm good, and meet my goals, then I can have 1000 calorie days. Just to keep my metabolism up. And so I associate eating with a reward, so I stop eating when depressed or something. I dunno. Maybe I won't do it, because I don't want to get fat again, but it sorta seems healthier in my head than punishing the bad by cutting....
Okay. I'm off to hunt down caffeinne and try to not fall asleep int he middle of rush hour traffic while driving to the other side of town.


  1. Good job! You're doing great. Hopefully you won't gain too much back, and you can have that reward (which sounds delicious, btw) :)

  2. great.
    You're so strong .
    You're my inspiration.
    Stay strong .

  3. It'll all be fine. All of it. All the time.

  4. I think this is a good plan. Keep that metabolism train chugging along!!

  5. I don't think I've ever commented on your blog.
    I'm more of an anonymous reader, I guess.
    I think because you seem older than me...
    Like I should respect my elders or something (:
    Gah, I'm so weird.
    Have you ever posted any pictures of what you look like?
    Because a)I can't find any and
    b) I keep imagining you to be like my old neighbor, which is weird.
    I don't wanna sound stalkerish or antyhing.
    In fact, you can just ignore this comment if you want.
    I'd understand =]

  6. Stay strong! You're doing great!

  7. I'm the same way with night binges, and napping to avoid eating, too... Seems that I tend to eat when I'm tired, how frustrating.
    Great job with all the progress, too, hon ♥

  8. nap! why didn't i think off that .. such a great idea.. when you wanna eat just sleep :O still it slows down your metabolism but it's better than eating .. :D hurray for you!

  9. Wow, that's awesome!! I love it when metabolism works its magic :)

  10. night binges are the WORST! i literally am in the middle of one right now: pretzels, 4 reese's cups, and an entire hershey bar. UGH. but i fasted yesterday and i can fast tomorrow.

    i admire you're control, even though you would like more. you are my thinspo today.