Control

I've lost the definition for living.

I'm stuck somewhere
in a silent scream.
Up so high that I
can't even feel
the crumbling of my insides.
Arms and legs and limbs are all numb from
pressure-related shock.
Staring at the sky I cannot see
the quick approach of the ground.

You can grasp at vines but it doesn't help
when they're attached to nothing.




Shut down emotions.
The world is falling apart, but it's okay.
If the ground falls out from under me
it means I won't make impact.




I breathe.
A tangled mess inside my head.
Untying the knots only leads to more complications
--you're not supposed to use scissors to slice it open.




Absolute peace comes from absolute certainty of what tomorrow brings.
No wonder man holds so fastidiously to his wars.






126.8 before gym today. 124.8 after.
I purchased $127 worth of gym equipment (Dyna-X pad, perfect push up device, yoga mat, and medicine ball) for $27. New job isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be in pay, but I'll get the experience I need to start up my own business, and the side benefits--free gym membership, free classes, trainers willing to teach me everything they know, and discounts to other certifications, plus $400/month or thereabouts if I meet my MINIMUM on training requirements (which means I'll only be getting paid $10/session rather than the $40/session I'd be charging independently)--isn't too bad. Granted, the pay is absolute shit, especially considering I'll be making less there than I am at my current job, but I'm going to just use it as a study experience, with some extra cash, and keep it as a side job, just to learn the ropes.





Ran myself sick before other job. There is now Job S, and Job T. Job S is main job, Job T is the side/trainer/part time job. Ran myself sick before Job S. Now I'm sitting here, holding my stomach, wanting to nap, and thinking about how I'm going to use the bike at the private gym at the school after work to burn off an extra 100 or so calories.



I've decided on my new calorie amounts.
Best way to calculate calories:
Divide your weight by 2.2 (to convert lb to kg) then times the answer by 30.
So for me,
124.8/2.2=56.72kg
56.72kg x 30kcal = 1701.81 kcal
That's approximately what I need to maintain my weight when I'm not regularly active (regular activity boosts your resting metabolism). I got this equation from a doctor out here who specializes with that stuff, and he says that calculation tends to be the most right on to what the results are from actually doing clinical scientific measurements of metabolism.

So I need about 1701.81 kcal to maintain, when I don't have regular exercise. That means if I eat 600 cals, then I'm at 1100 calorie deficit. I want around a 1000 calorie deficit a day, so aiming for 600 gives me leeway.

The most calories I can eat without exercise is 600-700.
With exercise, I then can eat whatever I've burned.
Meaning, today, I burned 330 calories before work. It was a light work out.
That means I have 600+330=930.
Meaning my new maximum is 930 calories.
This will continue to provide nutrition and energy to my metabolism, while messing around with my intake to keep it burning, and still providing me with a 1100 calorie deficit daily, landing me at burning an average of 7700 calories weekly, or, 2.2lb's.
I want to always aim to be under my maximum, and try not to exceed 1100 calories. I figure this way, I'll be able to make up for extreme loss during some of my work outs, and since I have to work out with other people a lot now, such as other trainers, it will hopefully prevent my normal paleness/dizziness/etc. that comes with extreme work outs, and help hide my disorder a little better.




Because it hit me that I work with people who specialize in this now.
And while exercise addiction is the norm,
so, too, is a very serious awareness of eating, and a very careful and watchful eye kept on everyone, since they have to do it with their clients. So they're more attuned to these behaviors, and if I run the risk of being caught by anyone...well....



Oh well.
I like a challenge ♥