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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good Girls Don't Swallow, We Lie

So what do you get when you have two incompetent coorporate level bosses, drama distracting your other boss, and a three person graveyard crew with two people going on vacation?
Massive overtime and headaches.
They approved vacation time for my two guys on my shift. There's three of us. Now we have two days completely uncovered, which for security, is no bueno. And also means that I have to be there every day, because SOMEONE needs to be there who knows the ropes. And now they're trying to cheat me out of my god damn overtime. Asswipes.

I've felt bad about wanting to write in this, because I don't feel like I'm doing this right, I guess. I feel like I've "turned my back on ana". The other day, I got up to 1000 cals, I think, and I didn't feel guilty.

My thinspo playlist on my ipod, and all the songs I have that are strictly my "thinspiration" ones, get skipped over whenever I play it on shuffle, because I'm too ashamed to hear them.

I can't do that anymore.

I've lost some weight. More than I did last month. This past month was 14lb's. I wanted to lose 15, but I guess I can't really complain, can I? 14 is better than none. I lost 5 inches off my waist. I don't feel like I deserved it with how I've been acting the past few days, but I think part of it just...the after period stuff.

But whatever.

I had a friend come into town who I hadn't seen since seventh grade. This is a girl who I love more than anything (not romantically). I broke a locker with a kids head for making her cry.

I didn't go see her. I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror. Saw my arms. And went back to bed.


Yesterday, I took an ambien (a full one, yes. I'm having a hard time shaking them) and laid there looking at my stomach until I felt it kick in. They don't make me tired. They make me dellusional. I dragged at my skin and breasts until I could see my ribs, and wondered what it would be like to look in the mirror and just view their shadows without effort.

Girl I Like is going to the gym now to get thin (apparently I've helped to inspire her) and she said she's going to start dragging her girlfriend along. I don't want her girlfriend to go - one of my goals is to be thinner than the Bitch. Not to see her get thin too.

And Girl I Like (we'll call her K) says she just wants to get down to a size 9. She's tall, and she's got a good body, and remember, I like my women with some mass on them. CeCe LaRue and Marilyn Monroe sort of mass. Not Rosie O'Donnell mass. And when she asked what I wanted, it was hard for me to not say, "I want to run my hands down my sides and feel my bones indented on the under side of my breasts. I want to lift up my shirt, and see a spot where my pants don't touch my stomach, because my hipbones hold them out."

Or, "I want to wear a short skirt and thigh highs, and go to your house, and see your eyes when you look at me, and watch the way your lips part when you get that rush of lust, and have that feeling of victory of knowing that you could have had me before, but now you couldn't if you tried."

Yes, I know the expressions her face makes when she's aroused.
I was the other woman for a time. We didn't have sex, because I knew she'd regret it. But I showed her a few other ways you can make a girl orgasm without ever taking off their clothes or touching places "inappropriate". I know what I'm doing on a woman's body.
and her girlfriend never gets her to orgasm, btw.
And I did it. Twice. By just touching her back and hips and neck.

Yes, yes, I am god.

But this was a while ago now XD A few months or something. Whatever.

Anyway, new poll will be up later this morning or tomorrow night, and I'll update the challenge.

Another reason I've been nervous to log in is...

Parent 1: "PrettyWreck has been losing a lot of weight lately."
Parent 2: "It's amazing, isn't it?"
Parent 1: "Oh definitely. But...I saw her spit out food she was chewing. She did it for a whole cookie."
Parent 2: "In front of you?"
Parent 1: "I was outside. I saw her in the kitchen."
Parent 2: "That's strange."
Parent 1: "Do you think she's getting an eating disorder?"
Parent 2: "Like, anorexic? I've seen her eating."
Parent 1: "What about bullemic?"
Parent 2: "We'd hear her throwing up more."
Parent 1: "Maybe."
Parent 2: "Even if she did, she could do to lose the weight. But I think s he's fine."

They didn't realize I heard them XD

So yeah, I've been being V. CAREFUL.

Anyway, like I said, will update poll and stuff, and post more SC2009 stuff up later today or tonight, and will also try to catch up on some blogs.



  1. glad to see you back & I would prefer you post even when you've turned your back on ana because I think a lot of us struggle with staying focused and on track. It's nice to know I'm not the only occassional flake :)

  2. your back :D
    missed yu !

    carefull with the chew and spit


  3. how do i follow your blog?
    i tried..
    comment me and let me know?

  4. Welcome back! And you shouldn't feel guilty about not feeling guilty about eating 1000 calories in one day. At the risk of sounding like a heretic, 1000 calories is still almost certainly below your basal metabolic rate, so technically, it's still restricting, even if not by as much as you might have preferred.

    Stay strong! And if there should ever come a time when you don't want to restrict, that's ok too.

  5. Nice to see you back and blogging.

  6. Oh gosh. I would DIE if my parents saw me chew/spit. Haha. Good job at being sneaky though!

    I swear, I adore your writing. Your recount of your lesbian lovin' makes me want to swing the other way =p

    Haha, take no offense to that please. I was being pretty serious!

    Good luck with the challenge and all. Keep posting!


  7. We all struggle.....believe me, I have binged more than anyone and gained so its time to dump all of that and get it off, back to the old tricks....sorry your parent 1 saw that....working just sucks when management is poor and I think its at a lot of places too! Don't feel guilty at 1000 calories at all!! Man I want you to make me orgasm like that :) Didn't know it was possible.....I am married but find myself totally attracted to certain particular at work :) Anyway.....get the bitch you don't want to go to the gym and make her special smoothies that are *diet* but add in fatty extras but make real diet ones for you and the girl you like.....I know, I am evil!