Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thank you everyone for all the props about the gym and all the nice things you said about my dedication. The truth is, I don't FEEL that dedicated right now. I actually feel a lot like a slacker, to be completely honest. I've screwed up really hard these past few days, and I've only lost about 5 pounds this month. I should be up to 6 or 7, and so I don't really feel worthy of praise, I guess. But aren't all of us like that? Isn't that why we're doing this to ourselves? We feel unworthy to ourselves - we feel down on ourselves. We feel worthless and disgusting. But we don't want other people to see us that way. Funny, isn't it? Double standards. Hypocrisy. In that sort of pathetic way.
I think I'm starting to develop body dysmorphia. It's strange that I can think it, and watch it happen, or at least recognize some of the signs. But I'm not sure if they're actual signs or not.
I've lost almost 46 pounds. I can see the difference sometimes in the mirror, but i look at myself generally and I don't see it. Logically, I know it's gone, but my legs still feel huge, and the more I worry about my weight, and the more i lose, the more disgusted I am to see HOW I am in the mirror.
I told my step mom and my grandmother I still have 50 pounds to lose. I heard them talking later about it, and how they can't believe I'd want to lose so much, and that it'll be too small. I looked in the mirror after they said that and thought, "How can you think that's even enough? I could lose 60 and still be too big. I feel like I could lose 100 and still never reach it." Of course, that's unrealistic, because eventually I'll have to stop having this big of thighs, and they'll have to not touch, and I won't have back fat anymore, and I won't have belly pudge, and that should start happening in the next 20 pounds or so, you know? I've basically gotten through the part where I won't see a difference, and now I think that it's just...this is now the time where every 10 pounds will count. Where instead of like it has been, with just...the swollen limbs getting smaller but staying swollen, they'll actually start to shape and look smaller.
But it doesn't feel like it. I feel obese. I feel heavier than some of the women who come in and their stomachs reach their mid thighs. I lay in bed pinching at my body. I'm fixating on other things. I don't want to smile because my two front teeth are a little bigger than the rest, and I can't look at people to the side, because my nose is so big I'm afraid they'll see it. I've started seeing strange things, and I feel like they're ballooning in my head, and logically, I don't think this would bother anyone else if they looked at me, but the point is that it bothers me, and that's the important thing, isn't it?
And everyone has started to comment on my weight. One of my coworkers hit on me. Sent me a text message of "Good morning, beautiful." A guy I've known for about a year, and who saw me out the other day dressed in clothing that fits (I wear a security uniform that's currently two and a half sizes too big and I don't have a shape in it). My nephew, who's 10, and god KNOWS what little kids that age say, looked at me when he came over this weekend and went "WOW you lost weight!" and my grandmother keeps saying, "You're getting skinny! You look so skinny!" and no matter how HARD I look or how MUCH I compare the pictures...I just don't see it.
Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour on the elliptical. 800 calories. I then did weights and other various machines for an hour and a half or so. I've started doing the incline benches, and I can get it at about a midrange angle and do a good 40 or so sit ups before I can't do anymore. I'm hoping to get it to the highest angle - not sure what it is, but I'll try to take a picture eventually!
I only stopped when I rolled off of the bench and almost threw up. I had been pushing myself without a break for almost a full three hours, and my stomach hurt so bad from it. I managed to drag myself home, but hell, dude, I slept so hard.
Only lost like... .2 pounds. Which sucks. Today is an off day from the gym, or so I'm telling myself. I go two days, then take one day off. It allows the body to rest and build muscle or something, and keeps you from getting used to the strain.
Makes me all anxious, though. I'm terrified of gaining. But then again, lately, I'm terrified of anything that has to do with my weight XD