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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Developing Ick

Thank you everyone for all the props about the gym and all the nice things you said about my dedication. The truth is, I don't FEEL that dedicated right now. I actually feel a lot like a slacker, to be completely honest. I've screwed up really hard these past few days, and I've only lost about 5 pounds this month. I should be up to 6 or 7, and so I don't really feel worthy of praise, I guess. But aren't all of us like that? Isn't that why we're doing this to ourselves? We feel unworthy to ourselves - we feel down on ourselves. We feel worthless and disgusting. But we don't want other people to see us that way. Funny, isn't it? Double standards. Hypocrisy. In that sort of pathetic way.

I think I'm starting to develop body dysmorphia. It's strange that I can think it, and watch it happen, or at least recognize some of the signs. But I'm not sure if they're actual signs or not.
I've lost almost 46 pounds. I can see the difference sometimes in the mirror, but i look at myself generally and I don't see it. Logically, I know it's gone, but my legs still feel huge, and the more I worry about my weight, and the more i lose, the more disgusted I am to see HOW I am in the mirror.

I told my step mom and my grandmother I still have 50 pounds to lose. I heard them talking later about it, and how they can't believe I'd want to lose so much, and that it'll be too small. I looked in the mirror after they said that and thought, "How can you think that's even enough? I could lose 60 and still be too big. I feel like I could lose 100 and still never reach it." Of course, that's unrealistic, because eventually I'll have to stop having this big of thighs, and they'll have to not touch, and I won't have back fat anymore, and I won't have belly pudge, and that should start happening in the next 20 pounds or so, you know? I've basically gotten through the part where I won't see a difference, and now I think that it's just...this is now the time where every 10 pounds will count. Where instead of like it has been, with just...the swollen limbs getting smaller but staying swollen, they'll actually start to shape and look smaller.

But it doesn't feel like it. I feel obese. I feel heavier than some of the women who come in and their stomachs reach their mid thighs. I lay in bed pinching at my body. I'm fixating on other things. I don't want to smile because my two front teeth are a little bigger than the rest, and I can't look at people to the side, because my nose is so big I'm afraid they'll see it. I've started seeing strange things, and I feel like they're ballooning in my head, and logically, I don't think this would bother anyone else if they looked at me, but the point is that it bothers me, and that's the important thing, isn't it?

And everyone has started to comment on my weight. One of my coworkers hit on me. Sent me a text message of "Good morning, beautiful." A guy I've known for about a year, and who saw me out the other day dressed in clothing that fits (I wear a security uniform that's currently two and a half sizes too big and I don't have a shape in it). My nephew, who's 10, and god KNOWS what little kids that age say, looked at me when he came over this weekend and went "WOW you lost weight!" and my grandmother keeps saying, "You're getting skinny! You look so skinny!" and no matter how HARD I look or how MUCH I compare the pictures...I just don't see it.

Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour on the elliptical. 800 calories. I then did weights and other various machines for an hour and a half or so. I've started doing the incline benches, and I can get it at about a midrange angle and do a good 40 or so sit ups before I can't do anymore. I'm hoping to get it to the highest angle - not sure what it is, but I'll try to take a picture eventually!

I only stopped when I rolled off of the bench and almost threw up. I had been pushing myself without a break for almost a full three hours, and my stomach hurt so bad from it. I managed to drag myself home, but hell, dude, I slept so hard.

Only lost like... .2 pounds. Which sucks. Today is an off day from the gym, or so I'm telling myself. I go two days, then take one day off. It allows the body to rest and build muscle or something, and keeps you from getting used to the strain.

Makes me all anxious, though. I'm terrified of gaining. But then again, lately, I'm terrified of anything that has to do with my weight XD


  1. I wish I had advice or tips on how to see the change, but I have no idea and am struggling with the same issue. I still think I look the same as I did 40+ lbs ago (the pics that are up) or even 75lbs, it sucks knowing there is change, but not being able to convince yourself where your body has changed.

    Enjoy your day off from the gym; it is important to get rest days in.

  2. Don't get so down!
    Yu're doing really well.
    and 46lbs is a lot.
    You'll get to where you want to be, you just have to keep working at it.
    Everyone screws up or slacks off some time during the process. The important thing is that you get up and keep going.
    You'll get there, don't worry.

  3. This post really resonates with me. I mean, nearly everything you write I can really relate to, but the whole body dysmorphia thing and nitpicking on the tiniest things... that's me. I mean I *am* obese, I've gained a shwackload of weight in the past month or so, and I'm ashamed of the fuckupism. But at the same time, even when I have, when I do lose weight... I don't see it. I felt that my trousers were literally falling off my hips, where once they used to fit snug and tight. I felt that half my work shirts were too big to wear and still look smart enough for an office environment. But I still couldn't SEE it.

    And it scares me to death. Because all of this, the obsession and the suffering and the pushing and the starving, it's all to reach one big, important goal. But sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm ever going to get there. Right now, I'll admit I'm in a worse place than I have been at in MONTHS, but even when things are going good and the scales are registering a 30lb loss or whatever... I can't see it, and it sometimes makes me feel like I'm on the brink of a panic attack.

    I obsess over my weight more than anything else, but I obsess over everything. EVERYthing. Every ridiculous little thing... But I can't help it.

    I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I do that a lot, which you probably know. But I wanted to say, I really really understand where you're coming from. And even though you can't see it, 40+lbs of fat is a substantial amount of weight and I'm sure you look fantastic. And three hours at the gym is something to commend yourself for, seriously your dedication is amazing and you're kind of my... I don't want to say "idol" because it's not the right word, but I can't think of the one I want right now. Inspiration, maybe? Your starting weight is the same as mine, where I find myself back at right now. And to read of the things you've accomplished really make me hopeful that a couple months down the line I'll be able to post on my blog and say "Hey, I've dropped 45lbs so far" too.

    Again, I'm getting off topic. I guess all I really should say is a quick "I understand. I feel you. But you're doing amazingly well and keep it up!" Except I'm SO not a woman of few words, haha.

    Love and hugs,
    Vee xox

  4. I also have strong dislike for my 2 front teeth that are larger then the rest and my large nose.
    I feel ya, girrrrrl.