Thursday, September 17, 2009
I started a new pen and ink journal today. My old one felt like a chore everytime I opened it, and I had to recall what I had done.
This week, I gained 3-4lb's, depending on when I step on the scale. I knew it was going to happen, but it still hurts to see it. So I started a new pen and ink journal, because I felt like it was going to be so god damned hard to lose what I had already lost. So instead of thinking of getting back to where I was, I'm looking at this as starting again.
A new day 1.
A new beginning.
It's not so hard when you see it that way. Like pausing the treadmill halfway through a 4mile to grab some water so you don't collapse, and catch your breath. Stop for about a minute, and then when you start again, you feel almost as good as new.
Or at least I do.
But I wanted to share something I had written in it. I hope you girls (and boys) enjoy.
It will be hard [to get to 123 by Halloween], and I may not make it. Which will be okay. I have to try with all my power, though. I have to forgive myself my sins. I need to not let one ill breed a hundred more out of shame and self contempt, but let it instead inspire a stronger resolve and self control as I strive for my own redemption. I need to remember that even the greatest stumble, and even the most powerful have their moments when they, too, are weak. As the quote says: I will be strong, I will starve on. Find anything to focus on but the poison that is food.
I must love myself, but strictly.
I must love myself enough to be disciplined.
I must love myself enough to exhibit the true compassion that is "tough love".
When I eat, and binge, that is disrespecting my body and mind. It is equivalent to beating myself. I make myself fatter; I give in to the inner child that has no patience, and demands immediate gratification rather than long term results. I give in to the piece of me that wants, demands, and screams if it is denied - if I say no.
But I must love myself enough to do just that.
I am happier when I am thinner. And while food does provide momentary satisfaction, it leaves me miserable in the end.
Thin will secure my future as a trainer. It will equal money, security, independence, esteem, respect of my clients, an easier path to happiness, and more than anything, satisfaction and self respect. Many may say that physical appearances do not hold so much sway, and while this, in some cases, may be true, for me it is not. Without the layers of fat, I do not have the same masks of tightly woven insecurities, and people like me better when the flesh is stripped and I am more free to be myself.
But what is exponentially more important than their opinions is that I like me better when I am losing. When I am thin.
I must love myself enough to do this.
I must love myself to fight through the pain.
To never give up.
To never give in.
To become what I most desire.
I must love myself to be good enough.
To force myself to be strong enough to be worthy of my love.
This is my oath.
From today forward, I will love me.
With strength, and discipline, and control. I will love me with a hard hand and a forgiving acceptance.
With high expectations, and gentle patience.
I will love me enough to be hard on me,
and love me enough to forgive.
Just keep fighting on.
So that's the entry.
And now here's a few quotes for you guys that I thought of while writing this. The first one is probably my favorite, though the second is pretty close.
“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” -Stacey Charter
"Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive." - Gerard Way
And finally, a site you all should look at:
A great entry on xanga about strength and thinspo.
(link opens in new window)
Stay strong, girls. The race has yet to be won.