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Sunday, September 27, 2009

This is Brutally Beautiful

Every pound counts.
That's why I'm losing slower, isn't it?

It's what I'm telling myself.

Every pound counts. I had so much more to lose when I started. Now there's not as much. Now every pound is an alteration to my physical form. It shifts the shape of my body - the curve of my jaw - the fullness or emptiness of my belly - the tone of my legs - the strength of my arms.
Every pound of flesh now carries more meaning.
More worth.
And anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Yesterday, I took my medication on an empty stomach, and found it so hard to eat. I had about 500 calories, because I forced myself so I wouldn't get a migraine, but I worked so hard at the gym. Harder than normal. According to the monitor/reader thing, I was up to 900 calories burned. Which was very nice.

Today I ate before I took it, because I had a headache wanting to form. So now my appetite isn't as fully suppressed, but still.

Day two, and I feel like my attention is improving. It's better than the Concerta. It's doing it's JOB.
And it's so much CHEAPER. $20 instead of $100. I can actually AFFORD that.

I keep thinking that 129 will feel so different than 130.
That 125 will feel like a struggle.
123 may feel like sweet relief, but will still feel too big.

I kept thinking before that the 120's would mean I'm starting to get thin. I would start to look damn good when I was in there and near there. And now that I'm almost there (130.8 this morning), I feel like it's just going to be just like the last. Like I still haven't changed. I'm still fat, I'm still gross. After going through so many ranges (197 to almost 129 now) I realize that every 10 pounds feels just like the last....

Now all I can think is, "I'm going to look amazing in the teens. Then I'll start to notice it. Then I'll start to feel it."


I was feeling fat the other day in line at the pharmacy, and then this girl walks up in front of me to stand by her mom, and she made me feel worse. She was perfect. This tiny little thing, maybe all of a 100lb's, a little taller than me. Hip bones peaking out over the tops of her pants. She was so small, and her thighs and calves were so far apart when she stood there. She looked tiny, but not unhealthy. Maybe a little underweight, but not unhealthy, and I'm thinking maybe my views are skewed on what is good or not good...but I wouldn't be doing this if they weren't, would I?

But I wound up staring at her in amazement, wanting to be her. Seeing how she moved and walked. So light and so airy.


Every pound counts now.
But more than every pound, every ten will.

I'll start to notice it in the 110's.

(Don't correct me if I'm wrong.)

This is brutally beautiful,
And so are we.
This is endless,
And so are we.

We can heal this.


  1. you have achieved so much already :)
    & i am sure u will feel fantasic once you reach 110! & look just as thin & beautiful as u will be :)

  2. you have no idea how much i connected with this post. you're a beautiful writer. thank you for expressing thoughts i've had but have never been able to pin down.

    p.s. your progress is stunning. even if you can't see it for sure, i know you are gorgeous